RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a relationship?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a relationship?

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RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 4:12:11 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
What from I understand from actual practice is that it seems difficult to establish a routine of sorts, with certain freedoms not completely explained, then once the relationship is more established introducing an element that is 'jarring' because it seems to come out of nowhere. 'I've had it so easy, why are you taking this away from me?'

This maybe one area I differ in PoV because of being at the TPE end of things (Maybe not, we shall no-doubt see when comments from those in other forms of relationship comment)

There is only ONE real 'routeen'.... I direct, she obeys. I can and do introduce elements at any point when I feel it appropriate. Wether it is to explore her limits... explore MY limits, reinforce the dynamic, try something new I've come across or even simply to do exactly what you where siting as a 'problem', to 'jar', to refocus and avoid falling into a rutt, avoid taking things for granted.

The greater the trust between us, the greater familiarity... the greater the scope for doing so.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 21

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 4:20:25 AM

Willowmourne

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Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline

I feel a certain responsibility to someone who has trusted Me with submission of their will- for Me D/s is a relationship dynamic, and the flavor I prefer isn't right for everybody. I value devotion over mindless obedience. Having established that, here is My take on the topic-

I start with the most basic of rules- protocol, posture, things like that. Keeping things simple heightens the contrast between "right" and "wrong". Life as My property isn't a dance of disobedience and punishment. There is nothing entertaining about being punished by Me. The important thing is making that clear- which in My experience depends much more on force of personality than anything.

As a Mistress I am loving and affectionate, even gentle, with My pet. At the same time I have a low tolerance for insolence. (Yes, I said insolence). It is important to communicate all of that from the start. It's a tricky balance, but I'd rather scare someone off than limp along with a poor match.

-W

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 22

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 4:20:43 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

There is only ONE real 'routeen'.... I direct, she obeys. I can and do introduce elements at any point when I feel it appropriate. Wether it is to explore her limits... explore MY limits, reinforce the dynamic, try something new I've come across or even simply to do exactly what you where siting as a 'problem', to 'jar', to refocus and avoid falling into a rutt, avoid taking things for granted.

The greater the trust between us, the greater familiarity... the greater the scope for doing so.

I have to agree with you RavenMuse, some things are understood at the outset but the rest grows with the trust. I cannot imagine either of my pair introducing something and me balking because we know each other and i trust them. They do what the wish or feel is appropriate at any given time.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 23

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 5:11:13 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Thanks for the thoughtful replies, Willowmourne and twicehappy.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to twicehappy)

Post #: 24

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 5:21:24 AM

DoctorDubious

Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Less of everthing in the early days

DD

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 25

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 5:24:44 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for your reply, Doctor D!

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to DoctorDubious)

Post #: 26

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 5:55:51 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

popeye,
I've noticed that you refer to "punishment" in many threads as though it is a requirement in a BDSM relationship. When you say punishment are you referring to a "play" dynamic or as an integral part of your training process?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 27

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 6:10:30 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

Hi SusanO,

Before I met my sub in real, I told her that when we do meet the first time, all I expected was for her to be polite and courteous. We spent 2 weeks together without any D/s dynamic to get to know each other a bit. There was no sex or play, either.

Before my next visit of one month duration, I added slightly to my expectations with the caveat that if she wished to demonstrate her submission beyond my expectations, she was welcome to do so. I explained the "deal breakers" to her and we spoke limits (hers and mine), communication, honesty, relationships, expectations and goals, in general. I made it clear that as the relationship proceeded, so would the power exchange strengthen, more expectations added to the mix as well as goals to work toward.

I always try to envision beforehand, the best way to inspire a sub to please me willingly rather than through a set of rules and regulations as if Im trying to teach a trained seal.

Since all subs have different personalities, the process varies from one to another and in keeping that in mind each sub is treated as an individual. I try to work with their personality as much as I can to keep their identity intact but that doesn't mean Im a wimp. I discipline in the same manner and try to find ways in which to do so that are very unpleasant for them but teach a lesson at the same time.

Regarding the S/m aspect, it progresses over time, much the same way as the D/s in the relationship does. However, if and when used as a punishment tool, pain is always secondary and incidental to the lesson being learned, is very harsh and without any preparation or warning.

Great thread.

LeatherBentOne

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 28

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 6:14:04 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Mistoferin, It's more of a "play dynamic" in that it could be using a particular gag that a sub doesn't like, being tied for an hour or two or a hard spanking not because she did anything wrong but that I just feel like spanking her for my own pleasure when she might actually be enjoying it too.
I guess I kind of do use that word for a "catch all".

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 29

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 6:14:12 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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LeatherBentOne: Thanks for the very clear and comprehensive answer!

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)

Post #: 30

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 6:24:41 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

ah okay....thanks for clarifying popeye

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 31

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 7:07:49 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

In general, is there a "policy" about this you try to adhere to?

**I am referring, I guess to whatever you may think of as "training". Do you sort of "work into it" and leave a lot of lee-way for errors or is a submissive or slave expected to work very hard and "get it" pretty much immediately, or face some kind of discipline? Or do you vary your "procedures" (if you have them)?
If you have a policy about this - why (or why not, if you don't)?

I know everyone is different and I know "it all depends".
But still...what do you think? Please just interpret it however it works for you. Just "roll with it"' okay?

Thanks for thinking about it, and replying (if you do). Of course all answers (from anyone) are welcome and eagerly anticipated.

- Susan

I'm consistent throughout.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 32

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 7:20:11 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

i think there are as many different ways to approach it as there are personality types, and the way a dominant first interacts with you will tell you a great deal about the type of person he is. As for myself, i couldn't from the very first day get into the power exchage dynamic with the person, what motivates that drive in me is the connection i feel towards that person and that can only come about through time spent together. That's not to say little things can't be established beforehand to set the tone.

i have found it interesting that the more doms i listen to as far as "requirements" and how they go about trying to establish themselves, the more i learn about myself, each and every time.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 33

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 7:39:18 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'm far more patient in the beginning. But I'm far more strict as well.

If you take the time and energy to make a strong foundation right from the start, it will be so much easier down the line. Training never ends, but once you have the process and understand the dynamics going on, it makes the rest much easier.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 34

RE: More (or less) strict w/ a sub, at the start of a ... - 8/28/2006 7:42:44 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I'm an easy going type person and so I am in my relationships. However I do have rules and I expect them to be followed. If he makes an error I handle it lightly telling him verbally this is against my rules and I expect you NOT to do it again. If its repeated then its time for a sit down talk about what the problem is and I will figure out then how best to handle it.

All in all its worked for me, although I know others tend to be much stricter and sometimes quicker to punish.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 35

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