to help or not to help? Advice Please! (Full Version)

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ohdomduo4u -> to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 8:19:43 PM)

Hi!

I came across a profile that was a sub/slave seeking a Master. The profile is rather desperate and doesn't give much information other than she has been in the relationship for 16+ years and the Master has turned to alcoholism, and is stating that for her safety she needs to get out. It goes into a little more detail but that gives you the idea of it. My question is this....We are not far from her and beings it is a dangerous situation for any sub/slave to be in would it be inappropriate to offer her help and safe place to stay no strings attached. The reason I say no strings attached is that I think looking for another Master while in a dangerous situation is possibly in a sense jumping from one bad situation to possibly another. I would rather try to provide a safe place for her rather than to try to approach as someone trying to be her Master/Mistress. Anyone else have any thoughts on this? Would you help if you knew you were close and able to help? If so how would you approach her with the offer?

Heather



reverendtorres -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 8:50:16 PM)

I'd email her and ask for further information.  If she isn't bullshitting, she should be happy to offer some more insight on her situation.



innatedesire -> RE: to help or not to help? (8/28/2006 8:51:06 PM)

Personally I think that is very kind and gracious of you to offer her your assistance. If I were in her situation I would be eternally grateful if someone offered to help me in a time of need.
1: Ask questions and lots of them, listen to your gut.
2: Draw up a agreement as to how long she will be there, you do not want to end up with someone who claims that she has as much right to be there as you do if it turns out bad. (I hope this is not the case and I am not saying it is. Just protect yourselves and it will beneifit her too knowing that she must at some point deal with her issues and move forward in her life to a healthier situation.) Unless of course something evolves and everyone is happy with the status quo, then more power to you.
3:Do not forget your safety as well, there are many people in this world who are truely in dire situations there are far more that prey on the kindness of others and I would not want  anyone to get hurt in any manner.
4: Understand the  dynamics this person may bring into your home, are you ready to deal with that?  I am sure we have all expereinced friends or family who over extend their  stay  and you just want to get back to how it was  before they arrived.
My hats off to you for being so thoughtful as to even consider helping a total stranger in need, (this is not like helping someone who is stranded on the side of the road change a  tire) Those like you are what make the world a better place. Let us know what you decide !!





pissdoll -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 8:52:43 PM)

no, i would not help, as callous as that sounds.

assuming she is real, you have no idea as to what her mental stability is and what her motives are.  she could end up going psycho on you or she could rob you blind or worse.  would you take a person hanging out on the street corner and move her in? 

if you feel the need to help people, find a charity in your area.  that will give a controlled atmosphere for you to safely lend a hand to strangers.



popeye1250 -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 9:02:20 PM)

Pissdoll, (I love that name lol) yes, that's another side of it.
I've taken people into my house before to help them out but I knew them and it was temporary.
You would need to question them very closely I guess.
I think that it is nice for the OP to offer though.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 9:02:32 PM)

She got herself into that relationship, she should get herself out of it. All you do by letting her into your home is out yourself in harms way.



GddssBella -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 9:13:23 PM)

G'evening all:


To the OP; while I believe your heart is in the right place, do not make a foolish decision here. You know nothing about this person. Their history, their issues, etc. You could end up inviting a complete fruitcake into your home.

On the other hand, how will this person stand on their own two feet if you assist them? How will this needy individual learn the survival skills necessary to help themselves if you step in? Sometimes, although it may pain you, it's just better to leave people be to sort out their own problems.

If you absolutely must lend a helping hand? Follow pissdoll's advice.


Stay safe, play nice & share your toys w/ others...


[:D]


Bella



ohdomduo4u -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 10:34:44 PM)

Thanks for all the thoughts! I appreciate it and will take them all into consideration. I haven't emailed yet, am still considering it and the risks and possible consequences. But I am watching her profile as of right now she has not been on for a few days so even if I email she may not answer, but wanted to know what O/others thought, and I appreciate all the replies I have gotten.

Thanks
Heather



AnAtlantaDom -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 10:40:21 PM)

I'm in general agreement w/ the others about the potential for her to "abuse" your good nature, which is a beautiful attitude to have. 
 
Is there a local women's shelter to which you can refer her? 



Sunshine119 -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/28/2006 11:35:26 PM)

I've had people and couples living in my home for up to 3 years.  If you are going to reach out and help, be sure to connect her to a women's abuse hotline and help program for counseling and relocation, even if she doesn't want that help.  She needs to understand how she got herself into the situation she is in and, while it is very kind of you to offer your home, she should understand that it does come with conditions.......namely she needs to get her life in order before jumping into a similar situation.

But, if it works out for the three of you.....that would be a happy ending too.  Good luck

Sunshine



Donnalee -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/29/2006 3:16:37 AM)

You might also refer her to Alanon....a free self help group for friends and family members dealing with a loved one's alcoholism.  They usually have hotline numbers in any phone book and free public meetings where she could get help from people who will understand her situation. 

If she's been in the situation for over 16 years, she certainly has been affected by his alcoholism in a painful way and will need to heal from that before moving on to a new master.  Plus, there is the chance that her doing something will incite a desire for him to seek help, and that's a whole ball of wax in itself.  Most of us have seen that yo-yo at some point in our lives, and it isn't always a pretty sight.

I also think it's very kind for you to be concerned for them, and hope you find a way to help them that honors the stability of your family first.  Good Luck!



JessieMe -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/29/2006 4:01:37 AM)

I guess I tend to be more of a cynic myself in this situation,

Point of fact, people who need help escaping from an abusive partner do not advertise such on a BDSM website which has so much potential for landing in another abusive situation. In my mind, she is looking for someone to save her and that would tend to put you in a very awkward situation unless of course this is actually what YOU are seeking to do. If you are NOT abuse counsellors, do not take this responsibility on yourself.

If she is truly ready to remove herself from this situation, she needs to contact the police who can escort her away if there is a situation or there should also be crisis hotline numbers in her telephone book that will refer her to a safe place that is available to her by a phone call.

If she has access to the internet to make this "cry for help" then she has access to a phone where she can make the arrangements to do what she needs to get herself safe.

Please use common sense in this. Your heart is in the right place, but a savior is not what someone in this situation needs. She needs to get out to a place with people trained to help others in this situation so she can get herself healthy on her own.

Just so you know, I have been in this situation although not with an alcoholic partner but with an abuser. I also am a recovering alcoholic myself so I speak from both ends of the situation.




kitty2MLoneWolf -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/29/2006 4:05:27 AM)

Wow.. I just realized I was signed into my old account that I thought I had closed.

paid service annoucement...

The previous message was brought to you by me.. [:D]

<edited to add> At least that explains why my damn pic wasnt coming up~



SusanofO -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/29/2006 6:22:36 AM)

I think it's really nice of you. Yes, I think I would do it (but w/some stipulations, as has been suggested). I've done something similar (once). It worked out fine, and the person lived with me for about  six months, was employed, got stabilized, and eventually moved on and into an apartment of their own. If she comes to live with you, you might want to make sure she knows how to avail herself of the low or no-cost social services in your area (Alanon, women's support groups, potential employers, etc.) so you two don't become a quasi-lifeline for her that she may never wants to move on from. I'd also contact a women's shelter, or the police, (or the internet) to inquire how to prepare if this potential abuser of a partner of hers decides to follow her to your place (better safe than sorry). I'd just e-mail her and say exactly what you said in your thread. You are close-by, read her profile, and thought you might be able to (and want to) help her - and state what you are prepared to offer her.

- Susan



ohdomduo4u -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/29/2006 7:02:56 AM)

Thanks again for the great advice. I have emailed her to see if I can get more information and open a line of communication so that hopefully if nothing else I can give her someone to talk to and some helpful advice. I had thought of a shelter and such for her also, so now I will just wait and see if I get a response if she comes back online. I can't help it I am just a nice person, and yes I do know the risks, but that's just me and sometimes I am too nice. But all this advice has helped in giving me a lot to think about and I will therefore tread cautiously. I just didn't think that look for a New Master in this way was a good thing for her, but will see what happens if she responds.

Thanks Again,
Heather



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/29/2006 7:12:57 AM)

She's also an adult.  She is free to look for any master in any way she wants.  Yes, you're probably right in that she's totally messed up and likely not going to make a good choice this time around- but then that's true of 80% of the people posting here (with 100% of them reading this saying "Yeah, but not me!")

Offering time, help, resources is fine.  Offering to move her in "no string attached" is overboard.  If you've got that time and open space available, why not go out of the house and do volunteer work?  Or sign up to adopt pets or be a foster parent?  Rather than chasing after cyber souls in distress- go out in the real world and make a real difference.



came4U -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/7/2007 12:14:07 AM)

why anyone after 16 years would not be out of one situation before seeking a  Master is beyond me, wouldn't this only complicate an already drastic situation.

Maybe offer (since you are close) to take her to Alanon meetings, and/or other theraputic agencies for now. Help her contact family and friends if she cannot do that herself from home. Let her become a little more emotionally healthy before introducing her to your couch.

Find out if the guy is just a mean drunk or actually abusive. If he is abusive, by all means gather up an OUT plan asap. The OUT plan does not necessarily mean that you are held responsible for her care.  There is a community designed for such situations.  If she denies this sort of 'rational' help, she will probably seek another sucker (yes, harsh) to take her in. All I can say is, look before you leap.



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/7/2007 12:41:46 AM)

I want to chime in with what others have said. 

If you are going to wade in -- and please think it through with both your brain and your heart  (smiling) -- make sure that you have resources for both this person and yourself if you take her in.  Likely she is going to be messy, and her responses are going to be messy, and she's not going to be a "quick fix."  Define what you are willing to give. 

Other critical questions:  Does she want a better situation?  Does she want change?  It might be a crazy idea to extend your hand to this woman, but I think it's also very, very brave.  Having asked and cajoled my mother to divorce my shit-ass father for 10 years as a kid, you can wait a long time for someone to be ready to stand up for themselves.

MSS



BitaTruble -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/7/2007 12:43:44 AM)

Just an FYI - this thread is over a year old.

Celeste



came4U -> RE: to help or not to help? Advice Please! (8/7/2007 12:57:36 AM)

OMG NOOOOO

k KICK MEE

I don't believe I did it AGAIN..

for hell sakes, LOL

Ms. Bita Truble, I fell for this just yesterday. My fault for not reading date grrr, but whyyy is these old ones showing up on my recent post scrolling?



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