Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Safeword Usage Over Time


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Safeword Usage Over Time Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 9:39:42 PM   
ready3learn


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I am pretty new to the community...and am now just getting up the courage to participate in the discussion.  I know this seems pretty silly but...anyway.  This seems like a good topic for my first question...I have often thought about it.

In my limited experience I have never found it necessary to actually enact a safeword (by enact, I mean when I have been provided with one, I have never actually used it).  I have never wanted to use one, but I understand, especially at the beginning of a relationship, it's important.

However, over time is it commonplace to scale back or completely eliminate the use of safewords as the relationship develops?  As trust increases, I would think that the submissive should develop a trust with the Dominant to respect limits that may have been uncovered throughout the course of building the relationship.  At the same time, in a synergistic relationship, I would guess the Dominant has some "feel" or ability to recognize when things are getting pushed too far.

I have never been far enough down that road to find out, but I am curious to hear from those who have.

< Message edited by ready3learn -- 8/30/2006 9:40:58 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 9:49:42 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I don't personally believe in the use of safewords. I believe in open and forthright communication. I believe that safewords give a false sense of security. The word "red" for instance, isn't going to stop a scene any faster than "twisted ankle"...and "twisted ankle" will certainly direct the Dominant's attention to the actual problem much more quickly than "red". Also, the bottom line is that no word will keep you safe if you find yourself bound and at the mercy of a psychopath. Safe words will not protect you if you misguidedly place your trust in someone who is not worthy of having it. Safewords are also not a replacement for an observant Dominant.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ready3learn)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 9:54:17 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I think a safeword only acts as a security blanket of sorts for a new sub.  A master or mistress who is leading the scene should know what they are doing enough to keep you safe. I know, for me, they ahve always just been to make the boy feel better about things.  He has never used it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:04:50 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
I think a safeword only acts as a security blanket of sorts for a new sub. 


And therein lies the problem with them. New subs, in my opinion, should not be told that some code word will keep them safe. They SHOULD be taught to make good sound decisions from the most informed perspective they can by learning and understanding all of the risks involved  and to use common sense. They should be taught to go slowly and not rush into things because they are too eager to drive the new sportscar they just got the keys to. They should be taught that they are not going to find any more honorable people in this lifestyle than in the vanilla world and that they should exercise the same levels of caution here...if not more. 

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:06:21 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		How can you use a safeword if you're gagged?

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:10:42 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

How can you use a safeword if you're gagged?

You know, thats what my mentor told me, when I was first starting to domme. She said safe words are great, if your playing so dull that you wont need them.  But if someones gagged or in any other way impeded...he/she wont be able to use it anyway. So why bother.
I was taught to get to know my playmates, and know what i had to look for to make sure things were staying safe. And, in my experience, several subs that have been given safe words by their Doms (only my male friends ahve mentioned this) have been so concerned about upsetting the dom that they didnt use them even though they should have.
Just seems a waste of time for me.  I gave the boy one knowing he'd never need it, so they he felt better about it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:13:14 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		WTF? Am I alone out here?  am I the only one in the world that knows what MMMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHF? means?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:16:11 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Oh, I know what that means, but depending on the inflection, it can mean stop, harder, thank you mistress may I have another...


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:21:07 PM   
love2learn


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline 		Usually the submissive is given an object to hold in their hand, and if a threshhold is reached they drop the item signifying play should stop.  The Dominant partner then can try to place the item back in their hand, if accepted play continues, if not it is over.  The only time this has been used has been in very um...."special" sessions which were long and painful, but is an effective tool to use when "breaking" new ground.

Personally the attachment to the item leads me to subspace because of a physical item to focus on and not let go, almost like thinking of the latest box scores of my favorite baseball team during sex.  Some how everything just ends up lasting much longer.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:21:49 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
I think a safeword only acts as a security blanket of sorts for a new sub. 


And therein lies the problem with them. New subs, in my opinion, should not be told that some code word will keep them safe. They SHOULD be taught to make good sound decisions from the most informed perspective they can by learning and understanding all of the risks involved  and to use common sense. They should be taught to go slowly and not rush into things because they are too eager to drive the new sportscar they just got the keys to. They should be taught that they are not going to find any more honorable people in this lifestyle than in the vanilla world and that they should exercise the same levels of caution here...if not more. 


If there are activities  which involve pain....  when getting involved with someone new, it's easier for a Domme to continue a scene when a submissive says "yellow", letting her know it's getting to the point where he can't take anymore, than to continue after hearing 'you are hitting me too hard'. It's also more comfortable for a new submissive to say yellow than to tell his new Domme she is causing him a bit too much pain.  In sub-space saying yellow in the heat of the moment when something just doesn't feel right could stop a scene quicker than a submissive trying to think of a way to say what he is feeling.

In a relationship where extreme activity isn't present, I don't know that a safe word is necessary.  Communication and common sense should be present with or without a safeword.  I don't think a safe word is harmful.... especially in a new relationship. 




(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:25:33 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

• I believe in open and forthright communication.
• I believe that safewords give a false sense of security
• Safe words will not protect you if you misguidedly place your trust in someone who is not worthy of having it.
• Safewords are also not a replacement for an observant Dominant.


All my key points in response to this post are wrapped up nicely in the statements above.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:32:35 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei
If there are activities  which involve pain....  when getting involved with someone new, it's easier for a Domme to continue a scene when a submissive says "yellow", letting her know it's getting to the point where he can't take anymore, than to continue after hearing 'you are hitting me too hard'. It's also more comfortable for a new submissive to say yellow than to tell his new Domme she is causing him a bit too much pain.  In sub-space saying yellow in the heat of the moment when something just doesn't feel right could stop a scene quicker than a submissive trying to think of a way to say what he is feeling.


How is "yellow" easier than "slow down" or "too much"? Why would it be any easier for a Domme to hear a code word than open communication? How is it that a submissive in subspace can think of a code word easier than convey what is really going on? I know that when I am in subspace...I can't speak at all....I certainly can't think of code words.

I'm sorry, while I respect your opinion, my own won't change on this topic. I have too often seen the results of the failure of safewords. I will not play with anyone who requires that I use one and I will not ever tell a newbie that I think they are a good idea.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MistressLorelei)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:38:13 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

• I believe in open and forthright communication.
• I believe that safewords give a false sense of security
• Safe words will not protect you if you misguidedly place your trust in someone who is not worthy of having it.
• Safewords are also not a replacement for an observant Dominant.


All my key points in response to this post are wrapped up nicely in the statements above.


Thank you Amayos

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 10:46:36 PM   
PandorasInspratn


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		I'll chime in with pretty much everyone else here, and say that the use of a safe word is pretty much unnecessary.  If the submissive or slave find it too difficult to just tell the dominant what really going on then maybe they shouldn't being playing with anyone. 

Straight to the point is usually the best way.  It's hard enough on newbies, without adding useless games to it all.

Jennifer

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 11:01:12 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I personally dont really think it would 'hurt' to have one...even if it fails to work, you'd be no worse off than if you didnt at least try to use it.

I have made some poor choices in the past as far as people who have hurt me emotionally, but I have never "played" (I hate that word) with someone that I did not trust with my physical safety.  I never felt the need for a safe word, because I was with experienced partners.  The smart ones, no matter if theyre whipping you or doing whatever, will be constantly reading your face and coming up to your head and make you look at them, some will remind you that you're safe and or constantly watch your reactions.  As far as being gagged...Ive never personally been gagged, but I heard someone once suggest the idea of holding a napkin in one's hand, and dropping it as a signal to safe out.  Or course thats not fool proof either, but it could possibley aid someone less experienced

(in reply to PandorasInspratn)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 11:09:35 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I personally dont really think it would 'hurt' to have one...even if it fails to work, you'd be no worse off than if you didnt at least try to use it.


Oh but it can....especially when you combine a Dominant who doesn't think that a scene is over until he hears the utterance of that word...and a submissive who either can't physically utter it or who is too embarassed to utter it....or who doesn't want to let that Dom down and refuses to utter it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 11:11:50 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Please don't forget that safewords are not only used to indicate something is "too much" -- but they can also be used to signal an equipment malfunction or physical ailment that suddenly arose (headache, nausea, etc) ...or simply as a way to pause and tell your Top you have to use the bathroom : )  In my experience, one word is much easier to utter than an entire sentence, be it red or rumplestilskin.

Syn

(in reply to ready3learn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 11:16:50 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I personally dont really think it would 'hurt' to have one...even if it fails to work, you'd be no worse off than if you didnt at least try to use it.


Oh but it can....especially when you combine a Dominant who doesn't think that a scene is over until he hears the utterance of that word...and a submissive who either can't physically utter it or who is too embarassed to utter it....or who doesn't want to let that Dom down and refuses to utter it.


I would imagine that clarifying the meaning of  "safeword" between the two parties before the scene,  would avoid the scenerio of someone thinking that a scene goes on until someone safewords.  In a case where someone is that illinformed, and the submissive too embaressed to voice it then then sure, I guess it could pose a danger and the two definately shouldnt even been scening if thats the case.

In another type of scenerio, if  the submissive is too embarassed to safeword out if she has to, then she has no business putting herself in that situation.   So if she is too embaressed to safeword out, shes going to get hurt, with or without the safeword.  So having it couldnt possilby hurt her any worse than not having it, if shes not going to use it anyway.

The best thing is the two parties discussion how the dom is going to monitor the sub.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 8/30/2006 11:20:00 PM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 11:17:36 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		How can you hold anything in your hands in bondage mittons?

(in reply to Synocense)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Safeword Usage Over Time - 8/30/2006 11:21:24 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei
If there are activities  which involve pain....  when getting involved with someone new, it's easier for a Domme to continue a scene when a submissive says "yellow", letting her know it's getting to the point where he can't take anymore, than to continue after hearing 'you are hitting me too hard'. It's also more comfortable for a new submissive to say yellow than to tell his new Domme she is causing him a bit too much pain.  In sub-space saying yellow in the heat of the moment when something just doesn't feel right could stop a scene quicker than a submissive trying to think of a way to say what he is feeling.


How is "yellow" easier than "slow down" or "too much"? Why would it be any easier for a Domme to hear a code word than open communication? How is it that a submissive in subspace can think of a code word easier than convey what is really going on? I know that when I am in subspace...I can't speak at all....I certainly can't think of code words.

I'm sorry, while I respect your opinion, my own won't change on this topic. I have too often seen the results of the failure of safewords. I will not play with anyone who requires that I use one and I will not ever tell a newbie that I think they are a good idea.

To each her own....  If safe words aren't something you'd be comfortable with then they aren't for you, and I wouldn't expect to change any minds regarding the issue.  I used a safe word with my first submissive.  I was just getting my feet wet with toys and implements.. and, while the safe word was uttered once in a year's time...  I was confident that they were in place.  Being new at the time, I would have responded better during a  very intense scene to  ":yellow" than to "slow down".  Both bring on the same result, but perhaps confidence building and Domme space are somewhat more compromised in the latter, and I think he felt the same way.  We had a very intense relationship, and his having to focus on  red would have halted our session quicker than his gathering additional thoughts when he is having trouble vocalizing anything.  It's always red or yellow... nothing else to remember... if he was hurt, or felt strange, wanted to stop, became sick... all equaled the word "red".  These code words were not instead of open communication, but to facilitate it.  What worked for us could be wrong for others, and vice-versa,

I don't expect to use safe words in the future (though it's possible), as the relationship I seek is of different magnitude than the one with the safe word, but in reverse to what you are saying, I wonder how telling a submissive to say "yellow" or "red" vs. "slow down" or "stop" could be harmful.





(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Safeword Usage Over Time Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094