a shattered illusions test

a shattered illusions test (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Mavis -> a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 1:44:09 PM)
asking Masters because i really need to hear the "historical fallout" facts, and i know You folks won't candy-coat anything. but please remember i am already down, a kick here and there is understandable, but "bury the hatchet in the false-slaves head" would truly break me at this point. Please forgive that this is hugely long, but that's how bad it was. quick background, i am sub to my husband, slave to a Master that lives away, and the Two of Them work together sharing and splitting areas of responsibility over me. The dynamics of that aren't important, only note there is full openness and They spend a lot of visiting time out doing guy-things together without me, and They have more in common than just managing me. This last visit, i did some horrible stuff. i got my cycle, and although i don't normally have really bad mental issues, once in a while i have a bad one. i think that added to my imbalances, but with hindsight, i can see i did a lot of stuff subconsciously even before the onset of "the mooding". Usually, the week before a visit, i'm doing the normal "company's coming" routine. This time, i didn't even prepare the guest room. i didn't prepare a guest menu, stock the house with His fav foods and drinks. Didn't even have ice in the house. Laundry was backed up. The car was filthy. my nails weren't done. The dog needed a bath. When it was time to go out, i didn't have my wardbrobe selected, i spent time staring at my closet unable to see anything worth putting on to go out, til One finally said Just grab something in 20 seconds and put it on. Now. Prior visits, i got up before Him / Them and brought coffee and served breakfast. This time, i woke up AFTER Them.. They got the coffee, and i made breakfast after it was suggested oatmeal might be nice. The last day, He noticed that even though i asked what time He wished to get up, i never ONCE , in SIX days, woke Him, His alarm was a much more efficient slave. i was late to the airport for pickup (accident on road, not my fault, but i should have left earlier, and i know it.) The ride for drop off was filled with my bitching, yes, even raising my voice, about all the things HE didn't do.. and WHY didn't He care that i had been smoking despite orders given long ago to stop.. "Don't Either of You CARe enough to enforce it?" i wailed. (answer: "No. If you didn't care enough to obey, it's not important enough to discuss." touche') It's obvious i was pulling some kind of test.. at the time, my actions seemed perfectly reasonable to me.. But i can see it was a case of asking how awful can i be and still have worth to You. That shows i WANt to have value, but i did everything in my power to reduce my value to B/both! WTF? i am not a slob, or a reluctant hostess. i love serving B/both, but the only person being served this visit was ME. i hate that wicked selfish person, but i fear that's the lasting memory Master will take home. i feel like, To Him, the real me inside was revealed, and although Hubby knows that's not the case, i don't think Master will ever get past thinking i am a fraud-slave. Nobody is talking about releasing me, but He admits all the wonderful good times W/we had (there were some!) will be overshadowed by dissapointment, and He is considering getting a hotel next visit. Bless His heart, He's letting me know He's not giving up on me, but isn't going to put up with this behavior. A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here. My questions: Has anyone had similar, and did it forever color Your view of sub? What makes the difference between a one time event and a downward spiral that ruins the relationship for good? i feel silly saying and doing "submissive things" now, because i fear it won't be accepted as genuine now. How can i go back to being me without it looking like an act to cover my ass? i know part of me was begging "Somebody stop me!" but i know They were Both right to make Me stop myself. Would daily or weekly reports on what i am doing to ready for next visit be helpful, or is that like rubbing salt in to bring up the failures? Would it help or hurt if i gave Them notes recognising and thanking for what They did right, since i was so full of what was wrong.. i'm half afraid the response will be "well then, those good things should have caused you to want to be better, not worse." i sure don't need to give Either more ammo, i'm already shot thru by my own hand.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 1:56:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mavis He wished to get up, i never ONCE , in SIX days, woke Him, His alarm was a much more efficient slave. Heh, I wonder how much more pissed off you got each day. quote: A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here. I wouldn't necessarily view it as a punishment, but I can see how you would. quote: Has anyone had similar, and did it forever color Your view of sub? Of course it did. What sort of dominant would I be if I let a full weeks worth of horrendous behavior go when we already had so few visits? I'm pretty surprised he let it go on as much as he did, but sometimes letting someone run on their leash is the best thing. It's certainly got you worked up NOW. quote: What makes the difference between a one time event and a downward spiral that ruins the relationship for good? Forgiveness, honestly, coming clean about issues, lots of hard work, communication quote: i feel silly saying and doing "submissive things" now, because i fear it won't be accepted as genuine now. How can i go back to being me without it looking like an act to cover my ass? Go back to being you. Time and your own behavior will tell you all what you need to know. It might feel weird right off, but in time you will either get back into your groove or reveal more about yourself. quote: i know part of me was begging "Somebody stop me!" but i know They were Both right to make Me stop myself. Would daily or weekly reports on what i am doing to ready for next visit be helpful, or is that like rubbing salt in to bring up the failures? I think actually making reports for YOURSELF and not showing them to anyone else might be best for you. You won't be seeking external approval at that point, nor will you tempt getting huffy again if you don't get the response you want. Keep yourself motivated and scheduled, communicate with them your feelings, and see where things ride out. quote: Would it help or hurt if i gave Them notes recognising and thanking for what They did right, since i was so full of what was wrong.. i'm half afraid the response will be "well then, those good things should have caused you to want to be better, not worse." i sure don't need to give Either more ammo, i'm already shot thru by my own hand. Your fear is something you should communicate to them, for sure. Whether you should send them a note, I think if it was a thoughtful note that included a lot of WHY you did what you did, WHY you think it happened when it did and showed that you were actually working on it rather than just "being sorry" it might be a worthwhile effort. But if you're just throwing yourself on the mercy of the court with a lot of sad sorry's- don't bother. You've already done what you can there and continuing will just be wasted energy for everyone.

raiken -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 2:04:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mavis i am not a slob, or a reluctant hostess. i love serving B/both, but the only person being served this visit was ME. i hate that wicked selfish person, but i fear that's the lasting memory Master will take home. i feel like, To Him, the real me inside was revealed, and although Hubby knows that's not the case, i don't think Master will ever get past thinking i am a fraud-slave. For the moment, i wish to address something here. In the above statement, you claim to hate a part of yourself, calling it wicked and selfish, then saying it is the "real" you. Is this how you truly feel toward and about that part of yourself? i have to wonder what is going on inside of you, at deeper levels within the context of this thought. Perhaps this part of yourself is in need of some deepened nurture, healing, or at least consideration. Everyone, slaves included, at one time or another tend to need to be accepted and understood even, and sometimes especially, when they feel they are acting out with undesireable behaviors, considered to be outside of their norm. There is most always a deeper underlying cause that needs to be addressed, healed, nurtured, etc. Perhaps the one being served that day was you, because you needed to be cared for. You needed a break or a brief respite, and consciously you did not recognize this, but the underlying behavior was perhaps a cry from somewhere below conscious recognition. Sometimes when a person is going and going and serving and pleasing, they get lost from themselves, and subconsciously cry out to receive some of the same care, service and nurture, a healthy dose, so they can then, after receiving a healthy fuel up, can carry on in service to others. You seem like you have many daily responsibilities that at times stress you in ways you may not be fully aware of. Caregivers often experience this, as they tend to neglect themselves as they care and serve others. Sometimes behaviors of this sort are a cry for respite, help or just plain ole understanding. Other times the person may be going through stress overload or in the case of women, hormones and cyclic occurences also need to be taken into account. Just sharing some thought for your consideration in this area. smile It may or may not apply to your unique situation, but it is always good to consider other possibilities just in case. smile

NastyDaddy -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 3:46:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mavis ... A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here. Who said it would be him staying in the hotel?

juliaoceania -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 4:02:19 PM)
I cannot add much to everyone else's comments (LA said more wise things than I could have with my lack of experience), I just wanted to tell you that your pic is lovely and I love your outfit.

Mavis -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 6:49:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: raiken In the above statement, you claim to hate a part of yourself, calling it wicked and selfish, then saying it is the "real" you. Is this how you truly feel toward and about that part of yourself? Well, actually, i said "To HIM".. i know that's not a normal part of me, but i also know how most would take such a radical change in behavior if it had been Him.. W/we'd be asking how genuine the Masterly stuff was if it could be so completely lost for days like that. quote: Sometimes when a person is going and going and serving and pleasing, they get lost from themselves, and subconsciously cry out to receive some of the same care, service and nurture, a healthy dose, so they can then, after receiving a healthy fuel up, can carry on in service to others. i think that's true, and if i wasn't getting cared for, i might agree They dropped some ball because i wasn't feeling so great. But honestly, i started the behavior before the trip even started, and the excuse doesn't fly, and i didn't even seem to appreciate the pamperings i did get when They realised i was feeling lousy. It's like even that fed some anger in me. <blush> quote: ORIGINAL: NastyDaddy Who said it would be him staying in the hotel? LMAO. good point ND. Julia.. thank you so much. i will resist asking if that dress makes my ass look big or if i seem bloated.. lol LA, thank You... all sound comments and as i expected, no candy coating! "Of course it did." and yes, that leash comment is dead on. Both have since commented that there was no sense in trying to stop me since it was quite obvious i was hoping for help, but would be unwilling to accept it. i had to just stop myself. i so appreciate the input.. having some action plan helps me to not get into a grand funk over it. Dusting self off...

SusanofO -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 8:11:50 PM)
Mavis, maybe you are starting to go through menopause and just had a very emotional few days? I know it might sound like a stratch, but - I've started skipping some of my periods, and even had a hot flash the other night (I think that's what it was anyway). I've had a few more "moods" lately, and can't help but wonder if it's due to this. I know you and I are roughly the same age, so maybe? If so, I've found the OTC soy remedy "Estroven" works to help calm me down a bit. Good luck. Gee whiz, if you've always been a great submissive up to this point, cut yourself some slack - it really does sound like it might be a medical issue to me. - Susan

Estring -> RE: a shattered illusions test (8/31/2006 10:39:08 PM)
Next time behave yourself. What more needs to be said?

Wolfie648 -> RE: a shattered illusions test (9/1/2006 2:28:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mavis asking Masters because i really need to hear the "historical fallout" facts, and i know You folks won't candy-coat anything. but please remember i am already down, a kick here and there is understandable, but "bury the hatchet in the false-slaves head" would truly break me at this point. Please forgive that this is hugely long, but that's how bad it was. quick background, i am sub to my husband, slave to a Master that lives away, and the Two of Them work together sharing and splitting areas of responsibility over me. The dynamics of that aren't important, only note there is full openness and They spend a lot of visiting time out doing guy-things together without me, and They have more in common than just managing me. This last visit, i did some horrible stuff. i got my cycle, and although i don't normally have really bad mental issues, once in a while i have a bad one. i think that added to my imbalances, but with hindsight, i can see i did a lot of stuff subconsciously even before the onset of "the mooding". Usually, the week before a visit, i'm doing the normal "company's coming" routine. This time, i didn't even prepare the guest room. i didn't prepare a guest menu, stock the house with His fav foods and drinks. Didn't even have ice in the house. Laundry was backed up. The car was filthy. my nails weren't done. The dog needed a bath. When it was time to go out, i didn't have my wardbrobe selected, i spent time staring at my closet unable to see anything worth putting on to go out, til One finally said Just grab something in 20 seconds and put it on. Now. Prior visits, i got up before Him / Them and brought coffee and served breakfast. This time, i woke up AFTER Them.. They got the coffee, and i made breakfast after it was suggested oatmeal might be nice. The last day, He noticed that even though i asked what time He wished to get up, i never ONCE , in SIX days, woke Him, His alarm was a much more efficient slave. i was late to the airport for pickup (accident on road, not my fault, but i should have left earlier, and i know it.) The ride for drop off was filled with my bitching, yes, even raising my voice, about all the things HE didn't do.. and WHY didn't He care that i had been smoking despite orders given long ago to stop.. "Don't Either of You CARe enough to enforce it?" i wailed. (answer: "No. If you didn't care enough to obey, it's not important enough to discuss." touche') It's obvious i was pulling some kind of test.. at the time, my actions seemed perfectly reasonable to me.. But i can see it was a case of asking how awful can i be and still have worth to You. That shows i WANt to have value, but i did everything in my power to reduce my value to B/both! WTF? i am not a slob, or a reluctant hostess. i love serving B/both, but the only person being served this visit was ME. i hate that wicked selfish person, but i fear that's the lasting memory Master will take home. i feel like, To Him, the real me inside was revealed, and although Hubby knows that's not the case, i don't think Master will ever get past thinking i am a fraud-slave. Nobody is talking about releasing me, but He admits all the wonderful good times W/we had (there were some!) will be overshadowed by dissapointment, and He is considering getting a hotel next visit. Bless His heart, He's letting me know He's not giving up on me, but isn't going to put up with this behavior. A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here. My questions: Has anyone had similar, and did it forever color Your view of sub? What makes the difference between a one time event and a downward spiral that ruins the relationship for good? i feel silly saying and doing "submissive things" now, because i fear it won't be accepted as genuine now. How can i go back to being me without it looking like an act to cover my ass? i know part of me was begging "Somebody stop me!" but i know They were Both right to make Me stop myself. Would daily or weekly reports on what i am doing to ready for next visit be helpful, or is that like rubbing salt in to bring up the failures? Would it help or hurt if i gave Them notes recognising and thanking for what They did right, since i was so full of what was wrong.. i'm half afraid the response will be "well then, those good things should have caused you to want to be better, not worse." i sure don't need to give Either more ammo, i'm already shot thru by my own hand. Humour check aisle 5. D (owner of j).

Mavis -> RE: a shattered illusions test (9/1/2006 8:19:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Estring Next time behave yourself. What more needs to be said? LOL. Kind of goes without saying, there, but at the time i asked, i was worried i might not have the chance at a next time if i didn't get a plan to repair. i think i'm ok now Sir. <grins> Susan.. remember the discussion on the O book? i think my CM mail doesn't work, can you mail me?

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125