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perverseangelic -> RE: dom b/f? (8/31/2006 9:12:07 PM)
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Yes, I've been in this situation. Almost exactly. The answer, in my book is 'with great difficulty."
Over the course of four years we've gone from totally vanilla couple to one in which he's got the final say, period. Took a LOT of work. Mostly, the problem that I foudn was that we didn't mean the same thing when we used the same words. I think that's the biggest advice I have for someone in this situation. Define your terms!! When you say "I want to serve you" tell him what youactually -mean- by serve. Do you mean you want to do whatever he wants in the bedroom? Have sex on command? Serve dinner every night? A little of everything?
Try to understand your needs and wants, before taking them to him. Do your best to figure out what's important to you, and what fufills you most. I think once you figure all this out, at least, where you stand at the moment, it makes it a little easier to communicate it to someone else.
Something else that I found was helpful to me was to look at your relationship as one in which you're trying to make your partner's life easier. I tried to do acts that simplified his life. To slowly take over the stuff he didn't like to do, and take care of it myself so he didnt' have to bother with it. I used the phrase "That's my job" a whole lot. I wasn't aggressivly submissive (ie kneeling all the time, blah). I simply did the stuff that made things run a little better and a little smoother. I tried to make controlling me -easy- and non-threatening. I did my best to never make him feel like he was dominating me -badly-, because I worried that would make him insecure and not want to do it anymore.
Looking back, we should have -talked- about that fear. I should have reassured him more that he was exactly who I wanted, and should have told him I worried he felt like he wasn't being what I needed.
One other problem that we ran into was that I didn't communicate the -kind- of controll I needed. He thought that as long as I was doing what he wanted, and I was doing the dishes and keeping the house picked up and giving him blowjobs, I felt controlled. On the other hand, I felt like I needed actual -rules-, and things thata ctually affected my life, and I had to think about before acting. I needed him to tell me that I was expected to wear a collar at all times, etc.
We didn't fix that well. I found myself getting more and more frustrated because I felt like I was doing all the hard boring work without any of the benifits (for me, feeling the controll, feeling used, feeling owned). I felt like I shouldnt' -say- anything, because it might make him feel like his was dominating me wrong, or badly. So I got more and more frustrated till I ended up acting out quite badly, taking off my collar, saying, basically "hell with this, lets be vanilla." So, yeah, don't bottle it up. If something isn't working, then talk about it. Right then.
Dunno if that's worth anything to you. I know there were lots n lots of problems that we had. Mostly in communication. We didn't talk enough or we didn't talk clearly. Still, overall it feels like a success. Vanilla to Owner in 4 years? Not too bad in my book.
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