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Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 6:40:59 AM   
mogigo


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		I just had a conversation with someone who kind of through me for a loop. When I was 16 I was raped by a friends mother, when I masterbate it's always a rape or domination fantasy. My problem is I haven't had any kind of relationship for the last 16 years and I always assumed it's because of my submissiveness. Yesterday I was told by someone that maybe I should be exploring this kind of lifestyle but I've always thought that these fantasies were fed by a traumatic experience, the rape. ( which wasn't traumatic at the time). Would it not just cause me more harm to persue this kind of fantasy given the origin of these feelings?
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 8:18:41 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		The only true way to answer that would be to deal with your past. Therapy or a support group or even just lots of honest journalling might help.

I can guareetee you that until you are more solid with yourself and your feelings and your sexuality, and have more experience in the vanilla sex world, you are less likely to find a good BDSM partner.

We aren't therapists and most of us are attracted to knowledge and many of us are attracted to experience, it may not be BDSM but that experience needs to be with relationships and self-awareness.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mogigo)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 10:14:34 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with thetammyjo. You should probably seek some counseling to help sort out which of your feelings are your natural tendencies and which are fed by your early experience. That will help you in a couple of ways. It will help you deal with any past trauma from the experience and help you find out where you are now, and where you want to be in terms of your sexuality. In the long run, if you decide you are naturally a submissive man, it will help you become a more rounded, stronger person with more to offer a potential Mistress.

I wish you the best in your journey. I too was raped when I was a teen and it overshadowed everything about my sexuality for a very long time.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 10:21:23 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I'd have to say, my first response to this would be why you call it "rape" if you also say it wasn't traumatic at the time.  Of course, the full dimensions of a traumatic experience take time to make themselves felt, and I'm sure it was an intense experience for you--but why exactly do you consider it rape?  Were you forced?  Did you want her to stop?  Did you tell her to stop?

quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo

I just had a conversation with someone who kind of through me for a loop. When I was 16 I was raped by a friends mother, when I masterbate it's always a rape or domination fantasy. My problem is I haven't had any kind of relationship for the last 16 years and I always assumed it's because of my submissiveness. Yesterday I was told by someone that maybe I should be exploring this kind of lifestyle but I've always thought that these fantasies were fed by a traumatic experience, the rape. ( which wasn't traumatic at the time). Would it not just cause me more harm to persue this kind of fantasy given the origin of these feelings?

(in reply to mogigo)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 11:59:22 AM   
mogigo


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		It was a rape because I was in a state that didn't allow me to comprehend what was happening at the time. It wasn't until days later that I came to understand what had happened. I didn't consent to it. I believe I was drugged.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 12:59:32 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I understand.  It was definitely immoral and illegal for her to abuse you like that.

I'd recommend trying to sort through what you can chalk up to the after-effects of that event, and what you really are like as a person.  Did you ever have submissive fantasies BEFORE you were raped?  Many subs have been raped, and people sometimes say that the reason for their sexual tendency must be the fact that they were raped; but many people who aren't submissive have been raped too, so I personally tend to doubt that there is much of a correlation.

While I agree with the suggestion that a counselor could help you, I've also known many cases where a well-intentioned but misguided counselor did HARM to a submissive patient.  If a counselor goes on the assumption that the rape must be the cause of your sexual tendencies, he or she isn't going to try to get to the bottom of who you really are and what you really need.  You're just going to be fed a lot of reasons why you need to separate who you are from what happened to you.

Most people who are dominant or submissive recall having a pronounced tendency from childhood--at any rate, long before they were 16.  You must be able to remember.  Were you ever aroused by the idea of being dominated before the woman raped you?

(in reply to mogigo)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 1:30:50 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		To add to the good thoughts from Lordandmaster....

I recommend that if you decide to go the therapy route that you find a BDSM aware therapist -- a few questions about what they think BDSM is should clarify that and if you don't like their answer, pay them for their time and walk away never to return. I think a lot of folks forget that when you are looking for a therapist (or any doctor) it is your choice who to go to. Especially with mental health care becuase most medical insurance does not cover it -- its your money and your mind, make a well-informed choice.

Or you can decide to not mention it at all and just focus on dealing with the events in your past. However you should know that everything can come up in therapy. A good therapist isn't going to judge and isn't going to suggest things -- they ask questions and help you figure out things yourself.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 1:53:24 PM   
mogigo


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		 I was really sheltered and to be honest I wasn't that sexual yet even at that time. More into video games than girls. I have always been extremely shy, especially toward women, and of course my mother was a successful powerful women. All my friends growing up were girls as well.

The question I asked yesterday that led to me being recommended to this sight was, are there women that are actually attracted to submissive men. I was thinking more on the lines of a sexually aggressive women rather than BDSM but I had a conversation with a girl who has been in the lifestyle for a long time and she brought out some realizations about myself and I went through alot of websites on the subject.

You say alot of subs were raped and thats really who I was looking for for info, I just wondered if it was healthy to be trying to re-create something that did alot of damage to my self-esteem at one time. I had a relationship 16 years ago that was a disaster because of my sexuality. I 'm looking for help because it's just to long without contact, but all the girls I meet are definately not into the kind of guy I am.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 2:07:16 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		mogigo, one thing to remember is that you would not be re-enacting out the rape.

If you do decide to do BDSM it should be consensual for every person involved. If it isn't, then it isn't BDSM.

Unlike when you were a teenager, you can always give or withdraw your consent in BDSM. If you are with someone who tries to tell you otherwise, run, don't walk, from them and never look back. They are likely someone who isn't playing in reality but is stuck in their fantasy of what BDSM is or worse they are an abuser who is trying to use the terms of BDSM to find targets.

Ideas that a partner in a Ds relationship has given up the right to withdraw consent is a subject for very advanced and experienced people in my opinion and not something for you to play with when you start off especially when you are a survivor.

I know the confusion and the concerns. There was a time when I started therapy that I was worried that I had become my abusers but my wonderful therapist told me just what I've told you. BDSM is far different from abuse and consent is part of what makes it far different.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mogigo)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 6:11:26 PM   
mogigo


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks to all who posted, I can feel the warmth.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 8:09:42 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline


I STRONGLY advise therapy and dealing with the past rape issue before trying to engage in this consensual adult play.  It's not fair for the potential partners to have to deal with the raw, unexpected emotions that you may encounter based upon the traumas you've experienced.  I've personally had this exact issue come up with a slave who failed to acknolwedge his past and who repressed it because it was embarassing.  It was a horrendous experience for me to have to juggle, and at the time, I was ill equipped to handle what came out.




_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to mogigo)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 8:45:11 PM   
mogigo


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		I understand completely MisPandora, when I think about meeting that right person for me I don't see myself being able to stop crying because someone actually understands me. Just an overload of emotions that I wouldn't want to dump on anyone. I understand no one is going to heal me, just complete me. I have some work to do on my own, but just by the fact of me spending the day immersed in studying BDSM I know change is coming for me. Whoo hoo.

(in reply to MisPandora)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/1/2006 8:48:45 PM   
michaelGA2


Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline 		one problem i find in rape fantasies is that some people tend to frown upon it, also, it's not easy to find someone to play out this fantasy safely.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to mogigo)
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/2/2006 12:15:00 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		BDSM is consentual ... full stop.  The rape would not be relived, rather ... faced.  However, before you do ANYTHING drastic, seek help.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to michaelGA2)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/3/2006 12:53:45 PM   
atUrMercy


Posts: 25
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline 		As a male I've always had fantasies of rape and/or sexual aggression by women but never experienced such a thing in my conscious memory. Don't take this the wrong way but I wish it had happened to me instead of you if you're not liking it (because I think I would have loved it). But sorry if you went through any trauma mogiga.

(in reply to DivaDuchess)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/3/2006 1:34:38 PM   
mogigo


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		While the sexual aspect of the rape was enjoyable, as i've said I still fantasize about it. The problem was she demeaned me as a human being, she didn't respect me enough to even care wether I would enjoy it or not. I think your way is better because I'm afraid I'm going to cause damage and you're free to enjoy.

(in reply to atUrMercy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Rape Fantasies - 9/4/2006 10:20:21 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo

I just had a conversation with someone who kind of through me for a loop. When I was 16 I was raped by a friends mother, when I masterbate it's always a rape or domination fantasy. My problem is I haven't had any kind of relationship for the last 16 years and I always assumed it's because of my submissiveness. Yesterday I was told by someone that maybe I should be exploring this kind of lifestyle but I've always thought that these fantasies were fed by a traumatic experience, the rape. ( which wasn't traumatic at the time). Would it not just cause me more harm to persue this kind of fantasy given the origin of these feelings?


I believe there are two ways to address your question. Seeking counseling, a support group, or even volunteering your services to such would be very therapeutic. Sometimes the way we heal is by helping others to do the same. You can also opt to write about the things you're feeling. In particular the fantasies you engage in while masturbating. Many submissives journal and I believe doing so at this time would provide a safe place for you to express yourself without trepidation. In addition, you'll have an audience of sorts for your thoughts and valuable material to present to a perspective partner should you opt to engage in this play down the road. Regardless of what you decide the above will provide an outlet and an opportunity for greater understanding and accepting of the past and your own sexuality. I wish you well.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to mogigo)
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