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RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 6:15:46 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

Yes I am his soft place to fall. We have complete trust and honesty with each other. I am expected to tell him everything that I'm feeling and he is expected to do the same. *We put that in the contract

* We are very much a D/s couple, but we are also partners, lovers, and best friends. I feel very fortunate that he is so open with me about his feelings and will come to me for comfort, advice, or just an ear to listen.

I am NOT allowed to mother him however. Right now he has a cold and feels guilty that he hasn't been able to give me his full attention. That kind of stuff touches my heart so much and makes me love him all the more.

He does have a hard edge. Much like what diamonddreamlove talked about in her post. Sometimes my Daddy needs me under his whip and that is where I do the most good for him. Whatever he needs or wants I want to give it to him. He does that for me and so much more.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 21

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 6:22:55 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I was wondering how dominant men handle when things do not go their way in life and if it impacts how they treat their submissive. We all have things that are unexpected and unplanned for happen. Things that make us feel out of control in life, when things go wrong. Perhaps you get sick, or lose your job, or have something else happen...Perhaps your teenagers get out of control or something.

My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control? Do you worry that you may lose face in front of your submissive and that she may question your ability to dominate her? Do you ever turn to her for support when these sorts of things happen, or do you think of it as being "undomly"?

For myself, it wasn't/isn't a matter of "not feeling dominant", but more of realizing I need all my strength to hold things together just for myself over the last year or so; there wasn't enough of me left over to take on a submissive, and I imagine that will remain true for a while yet.

I would not have a submissive that expected me to always be "Superman", that couldn't handle seeing me in my entirety, good and bad, human.

I endeavor to be "a soft place to land" for my Daddy. I do not want him to think I feel he is "less domly" because life kicks us in the teeth at times. This has not been a huge deal so far in our relationships, he does not seem to feel life's travails reflect badly on him. I have been involved with another that it was not this way with. He seemed to think "dom" meant that he could never be weak in front of me, ever.

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

Bravo to you, julia. Sinergy is a fortunate fella.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 22

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 6:51:38 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita

I am NOT allowed to mother him however.

Im never a mother to him, but I am what I am, and I am a mother.. no amount of domming could erase that which I am. I have an actual unmentionable, and for me (not speaking for what makes others the beauty they are inside, all rivers lead to the same ocean) this adds to my submission. I am very comfortable with caretaking, wiping a feverish brow, fixing comfort foods, making sure I know how his day went... I am not the "mother" in our dynamic, but I am a mother... and sometimes it is hard to separate from the submissive in me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 23

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 6:56:16 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648

You may endeavor to be a soft place to land but is that what 'Daddy' wants? Do you want to be who you are or Daddy's fantasy in reality?

D (owner of j).

I asked him this after I posted this thread, and he does not mind having a soft place to land. I am not anyone's fantasy, I am just me. It is a form of service to anticipate when your dominant needs you to be that soft place to land. And I am a partner if I am nothing else, Daddy wants a submissive he can talk to .

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Wolfie648)

Post #: 24

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 6:57:42 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: deltadawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

I hope to always be the one he can turn to. I try always to let him know that I am here.

This post comes in a time where this hits very close to home. I think it is hard for any Man, but especially a Dom to allow us to be there, allow us to tell them all will be ok..but if we let them know we are there, then hopefully when that times comes they can safely land.

dawn

I hope in an uplifting way..smiles. You have had some challenges of late, I am sending you light, smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to deltadawn)

Post #: 25

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 7:03:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

An excerpt from my profile:

quote:

I love being the warm, welcoming light at the end of a long day, the partner who you turn to and find sanctuary from the roughness of the world. I enjoy making home a peaceful and fulfilling place to be.

I believe that in any long term relationship the influences of the outside world sometimes come in. Both partners need to be able to recognize and understand that regardless of our "roles" we are just fallible human beings. Sometimes we all need a soft place to land and successful relationships are ones where the involved parties provide that for one another.

I have read your profile and I can identify with many of the sentiments.... It is very a very challenging thing to do, but very worthwhile. And your right, none are perfect. I definitely need a soft place to land myself at times.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 26

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 7:05:08 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita

I am NOT allowed to mother him however.

Im never a mother to him, but I am what I am, and I am a mother.. no amount of domming could erase that which I am. I have an actual unmentionable, and for me (not speaking for what makes others the beauty they are inside, all rivers lead to the same ocean) this adds to my submission. I am very comfortable with caretaking, wiping a feverish brow, fixing comfort foods, making sure I know how his day went... I am not the "mother" in our dynamic, but I am a mother... and sometimes it is hard to separate from the submissive in me.

I am the same as you Julie in this subject. I have an unmentionalbe that lives with us and I took care of the tiny creatures for years as my occupation. It's in my nature to mother and take care of those I love. He does allow it up to a point. He had a domineering mother that still mothers him from her nursing home. So, as long as I don't hit his triggers I'm good.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 27

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 7:05:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I can understand Level, for several years I was so absorbed into my life I did not feel the need to add anyone to it, this was before I found WIITWD, sometimes we need "alone time" to figure things out... You are wise to do this before you add another to your life...But you usually seem wise to me..smiles

And thanks for the compliment.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 28

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 7:35:43 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

We're all so scared and make things so much more complicated than they need to be- subs who build walls that need to come down, subs who can't openly admit what they want, what's wrong, who get passive aggressive, doms who are emotionally insecure and use dominance as a way to avoid opening up, and everyones telling the switches they are the ones who are really confused ;)

Is it really a wonder so few relationships work in the long term? We're given such horrible models to start with and little to no real training in relationships, let ALONE non-traditional relationships, along with tons of baggage growing up. It's amazing some of us really do manage to work it out and create healthy bonds.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 29

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 8:01:02 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

LA, I can say that once you start letting those walls down, it is more like an onion, one layer at a time. I have found that I have trust issues that needed to be worked out, that is where the "safe place" comes into play. We have to feel safe to expose ourselves and be the vulnerable people we are... Although different people have different needs for safety in their relationships.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 30

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 8:12:49 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Interesting thoughts.

First of all I am going to go out on a limb and say wether someone wants or is comfortable with it depends on a few factors. Age, maturity, self confidence, and what type of relationship the two parties desire.
I would suspect that a young and more insecure dominant would be less likely being comfortable showing what they percieved as a weakness whereas an older, more secure and experienced dominant would have a different perspective.

For myself, I have never had anyone I could lean on. I would love it if I could but it's just never been there. For me to even cry freaks the people in my life out so I do it in private. I was pushed into being the matriarch of my family at an early age and no one has ever been comfortable with me being otherwise. I remember when my daughter was hospitalized, her life was in jeopardy. After several days I was literally exhausted on all levels and made the mistake of crying in front of someone I thought I could lean on and was just lectured on how I needed to be strong. Lesson learned. I don't personally see it as a weakness, just have yet to be in a relationship with someone that saw it the same.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 31

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 8:17:01 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

LaT, I'm sorry you haven't found someone you could lean on in that way. To me, letting go and crying shows strength, not weakness. I *look* for someone who is able to let go and cry because then I know they are human and not going to break.

I hope you find someone soon who can do this for you.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 32

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 8:20:06 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

What a lovely discussion. Thank you Julia. The more that I read you, the more impressed I am with who you are... Yes, Sinergy IS a lucky fellow.

As for my thoughts on all this... I believe we all fluctuate a bit in our daily lives; as do relationships. Sometimes, regardless of WHAT you're measuring, the dynamic is 60/40, sometimes 90/10, sometimes 40/60 or even 10/90. It's a relationship; people who care for one another take care OF each other. While I believe things are seldom exactly 50/50, probably in a D/s or M/s relationship they are most often something like 70/30 (perhaps)...but I would expect, on occasion, for those percentages to flip...again; regardless of WHAT it is we are measuring.

Well...except the giving of pain! LOL

bear

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 33

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 8:57:06 AM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

I would hope that I could provide this to my Dom every time he needs me, and I am always glad when he comes to me for support. I see it like this, too: part of being a submissive is to serve the needs of your Dominant. If his need is someone to help him or care for him because of an emotional struggle or difficulty in life, it's as much my duty to help him through that as it is to make sure things he wants done around the house are done or to submit to his will in the bedroom. I go to my Dom for my woes, and he comes to me for his. We talk things through, hold each other, and just try to be there. I don't think of him as "less Domly" for it at all- I think of him as a human I love very much having a tough day, and he needs me there for him. I don't believe I could have less respect for him for having a tough time- I probably have more just for him being able to deal with it, share, and keep going.

behindmirrors.

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 34

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 1:44:19 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I was wondering how dominant men handle when things do not go their way in life and if it impacts how they treat their submissive. We all have things that are unexpected and unplanned for happen. Things that make us feel out of control in life, when things go wrong. Perhaps you get sick, or lose your job, or have something else happen...Perhaps your teenagers get out of control or something.

My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control? Do you worry that you may lose face in front of your submissive and that she may question your ability to dominate her? Do you ever turn to her for support when these sorts of things happen, or do you think of it as being "undomly"?

I endeavor to be "a soft place to land" for my Daddy. I do not want him to think I feel he is "less domly" because life kicks us in the teeth at times. This has not been a huge deal so far in our relationships, he does not seem to feel life's travails reflect badly on him. I have been involved with another that it was not this way with. He seemed to think "dom" meant that he could never be weak in front of me, ever.

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

Hi Julia,

During those times when life has brought about stresses for him, he has given me a head's up, but I think it is more to alert me that his mood might be altered as a result. Master tends to handle such stresses on his own, and does not have a need to vent them out. When life brings about challenges, however, I remain who I am to him...here to serve as he wishes to be served. My demeanor does not change, as he enjoys the consistency he finds in me when other circumstances in life become inconsistent. If he wants to confide, I listen. If he wants to take his frustrations out aggressively (physically or verbally), I receive them. If he wishes for his sweet loving girl, I am that. If he wants to be alone then I do not bother him, but remain consistent in my writings to him. In short, I adapt to the situation as necessary.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 35

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 10:55:04 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

We are in a long term relationship. A loving one too. I would always wish to be 'a soft place to land' when life kicks him in the teeth. Like its doing right now.
I dont think of him as less Domly, as i see him sufferring, it just increases my need to comfort him. His Dom mojo has gone awol at times, due to lifes stresses, and that is ok. My sub mojo buggers off too at times. It doesnt change what we are to each other. Our love of each other, and care giving, surpasses any label D/s or otherwise.
I think you have to adapt to the situation you face, together. We would all like to live in a cacoon, where life cant touch you, and dynamics flow easy, but over time, that is going to be interrupted. Try soundly Domly for instance, when your telling your sub, youve just run over her cat! We are people first. Allways.
littleone

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 36

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 11:05:27 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

Try soundly Domly for instance, when your telling your sub, youve just run over her cat! We are people first. Allways.
littleone

Good point....that would be very hard!

And you are right, sometimes it is hard to come off as submissive when one has a bad case of PMS.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 37

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 11:50:00 PM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

i'm not sure i'm always a soft place.. but i'm ok with that. i do know i try to be a positive place though. For Both, when work or outside stressors show up, i may not be told about it right away, but i can sense it.. both case They have some air.. it's a palpable "Everything else might be going to hell in a handbasket, but by God, I will have (My slave) (My wife) in order". i can tell because slight tone of voice can trigger a bigger response, He suddenly gets really talky.. about nothing.. i can tell when Either is looking to find something constant and stable in Their day.

After a while, the sounding board thing comes up, and i can offer suggestions If asked or just nod if that's what is needed, but in either case, i feel really good that they don't hide themselves, and i try to pay back that trust by being more obedient, more organised, and less of a distraction.

i have been guilty in both cases of adding to Their frustration, have been told "Goddam, you're some help!" Once, when all my suggestions seemed to imply Dom was making errors and could fix everything if He tried this or that.. bad move on my part. <grins> and once when Master's truck was nearly totalled and i kept assuring Him it was going to turn out ok.. yet everytime i said that, things got worse with the insurance claim. He finally told me to shut up if i didn't have anything better to do than candy coat things. lol.

So anyway, yes, i WANT to be that place of refuge, and usually i am, but i have to be honest, in real life, sometimes we're the thorn in our lovers side.. and all we can do is try to do better next time. Maybe it would be easier for the newbie subs if i didn't keep admitting to real life failures, but i wish i'd have had someone admit to me that they weren't always pefect, so i wouldn't have been so torn up when i discovered i wasn't perfect either.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 38

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/3/2006 7:36:24 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Thanks for your honest reply mavis, and I could see myself in the past in such statements. I have been stressed and worried at the same time as my significant other. I sometimes think that empathic people have a hard time being around those who are stressed because we pick it up and think it is ours... It is something I have become conscious of, yet not perfect in keeping my perspective. I said "Endeavor" in the OP for a reason..I do not always succeed..smiles. We submissives often have a problem with being less than perfect.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 39

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