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niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:14:21 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
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I've spent my life trying to make everyone happy, friends, parents, siblings, strangers but it seems that I'm so busy trying to make "everyone" happy that I don't make anyone happy, including myself. Is this part of the process of slave and domme, will focusing on making one person extremely happy satisfy my need to make everyone happy.

Reading through the forums I've noticed that alot of subs have been the target of anger, some have explained this as people feel niceness = weakness. I've been subject to this as well, especially from teenage girls who get very upset when my submissiveness makes an appearence around them, they tend to verbally attack me after that, like somehow they're responsible for my actions. It has made for some sleepless nights because of my need to please everyone I've gone and done the exact opposite and made someone hate me.

Post #: 1

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:40:14 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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I certainly hope that being "nice" does not mean one is weak!!!!! For the most part I think I am a very nice person. Just because I am the one in control of a given situation does not mean that I have to be mean while doing it.

You are a 36 year old man, why are you concerned what teenage girls think??? Granted as a woman I suppose some would think I should not say this but I will anyway "many teenage girls are snotty little twits that haven't a CLUE about much of anything!" The opinion of one is the LAST thing in the world you should be concerned with! Submissive or not. The only time you should concern yourself in that arena is if you are the father of a teenage girl and then I suggest you concentrate on being a father not her friend.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 2

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:44:58 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
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Ouch, I am a father to a 15 year old girl and I am certainly not her buddy. The teenage girls I'm talking about are for the majority Tim Horten's girls, I can't seem to buy a coffee in this city without one of them turning their nose up at me. I am talking about daily social interaction not me trying to have a relationship with them. And as a father of a teenage girl my reaction to your post is Yuck. Kinda jumped to conclusions there didn't you.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 3

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:48:54 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo

Ouch, I am a father to a 15 year old girl and I am certainly not her buddy. The teenage girls I'm talking about are for the majority Tim Horten's girls, I can't seem to buy a coffee in this city without one of them turning their nose up at me. I am talking about daily social interaction not me trying to have a relationship with them. And as a father of a teenage girl my reaction to your post is Yuck. Kinda jumped to conclusions there didn't you.

If that is what you got from it then you misread my meaning. I meant that as an adult I do not care what some snotty little teenanything thinks about me. It is of no concern. I know they are niave and young, inexperienced and just place ignorant in many ways. I was in no way insinuating anything else.

I was the mother of a teenage daughter, there were several years that I could hardly stand to be around her. Most girls go thru a period of time they are snotty twits to EVERYONE, even each other. Ignore it!

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 9/2/2006 12:53:04 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 4

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:49:44 PM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Mogigo, I don't quite understand how you would like people to reply.

Making one person happy may assuage your desire to make everyone happy--I don't know. More than a few submissives are pleased by knowing that they have caused happiness in others, and I imagine a d/s relationship helps them fulfill their quotas of "other-happiness." I don't think happiness in a single relationship will fix everything for a submissive people-pleaser, because in general, one relationship can't meet all of a person's needs or wants. Most people have a lot of sources of fulfillment, so a monogamous or primary relationship is one source of happiness among many.

You didn't clearly explain how your submissiveness "makes an appearance" around young women who then verbally attack you for it. If you're being solicitous to teenagers who you already know (nieces, or cousins, maybe?), offering to get them drinks, carry packages, etc., they might turn down your offers of help, but it would be very inappropriate, and, I would think, unlikely for them to verbally attack you. If you're going up to girls you don't know and telling them you're at their service if they require anything, and you're not an associate in a store they're visiting, that's not prudent of you, and I'm not surprised that they are offended.

Monica

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 5

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:53:08 PM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Granted as a woman I suppose some would think I should not say this but I will anyway "many teenage girls are snotty little twits that haven't a CLUE about much of anything!"

*snottysnottysnottysnot* what's wrong with being a snotty litte..twAt

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 6

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:54:23 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

I think, though, her point is valid. Why are you concerned with what any teenage girl thinks? Am I understanding that you go in to have a cup of coffee and then someone is rude to you after being nice? What exactly are you saying/doing? Maybe your nice is someone else's perception of a come on? If not, where's the manager who would likely want their customers treated in a pleasant manner?

I am nice and anyone who does mistake nice for weakness with me will likely not make that mistake again. But, are you having people mistake kindness for weakness or are you truly being weak? If you have no boundaries and you are continually being taken advantage of, perhaps you need to look at what YOU can do to change that. Be kind, be polite, be generous but do not do so to a fault where you harm yourself.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 7

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 12:56:46 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

Sorry maybe it was me who jumped to conclusions but you seemed to question my fatherhood skills and I don't see where that came from. My daughter is doing just fine, even without her mother.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:00:33 PM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo

I've spent my life trying to make everyone happy, friends, parents, siblings, strangers but it seems that I'm so busy trying to make "everyone" happy that I don't make anyone happy, including myself. Is this part of the process of slave and domme, will focusing on making one person extremely happy satisfy my need to make everyone happy.

Reading through the forums I've noticed that alot of subs have been the target of anger, some have explained this as people feel niceness = weakness. I've been subject to this as well, especially from teenage girls who get very upset when my submissiveness makes an appearence around them, they tend to verbally attack me after that, like somehow they're responsible for my actions. It has made for some sleepless nights because of my need to please everyone I've gone and done the exact opposite and made someone hate me.

To help others be happy, you need to find your own happiness. IMO, the D/s experience does not replace your existing identity. It cultivates the qualities you have in strength, refining them for service, (benefiting both you and your owner), and strengthens the qualities you lack. As a Dominant, I do seek to ferret out all the special qualities of My sub, and help him or her build bigger and brighter, need less, want more, and never let of their own happiness.

At no time does a sub become a non-person, some robot to be programmed and used. I'm sure there are some that do not consider subs/slaves 'people' in the individual sense, but for sake of argument, let's not go there.

There are many who find joy by helping others find it, and that's not unhealthy. However, what I read into what you wrote above is that you have not found yourself and are using the approval of others for validation that you're a kind, giving, smart, worthy person. These are things you must cultivate within yourself - know it, and believe it. Find a sense of purpose and pride within yourself for who you ARE and not what you DO.

Regarding what you wrote that subs become a target of anger, I have seen this, but IME, some people do react with hostility when a polar opposite personality crosses their path. Others have habits and manners that some find distasteful, and there are some people who will react with nastiness to someone they consider 'weak'. If, for instance, you are wishy-washy enough to martyr yourself for everyone and anything - a cause without a purpose - others do tire of this. Victim complexes are manipulative in nature, IMO, and this is what others react to.

About others hating you afterward: they don't want help foisted upon them, and will react if you push the issue. Pare down your inner circle - those you're close with and will jump to help - to include only those who truly matter. Family, close friends - people who know you well and care about you. Further to that, *listen* to them and what they say. Support does not always take the form of 'fixing' things for them; it is just as important to listen, give a smile or hug, or just be their friend when they need someone to go to. Not everything can be bought, done or arranged, and the most meaningful things usually can't be.

My best advice to you is basically this: pare down the inner circle. Work to find yourself and what makes you happy. Hold tight onto that. It's a journey, not a destination - be open to learning and experiencing life every day, and sharing it with all those around you who matter. With a positive inner outlook and sense of who you are, you will become much more attractive as a friend and partner...as you will be 'whole', (as opposed to looking to another to define you.)

Best,

~Thea

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 9

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:00:34 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Granted as a woman I suppose some would think I should not say this but I will anyway "many teenage girls are snotty little twits that haven't a CLUE about much of anything!"

*snottysnottysnottysnot* what's wrong with being a snotty litte..twAt

cheeky girl!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MissyRane)

Post #: 10

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:03:49 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo

Sorry maybe it was me who jumped to conclusions but you seemed to question my fatherhood skills and I don't see where that came from. My daughter is doing just fine, even without her mother.

When I wrote that I had no idea wether or not you were a father. I just made an except for that possibility. You read it from a defensive perspective.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 11

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:06:15 PM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

Alright alright alright...You can't buy yourself a coffee without getting troubles with TEENAGE girls? What are you doing in the coffee shop? Offering to pay them for their coffee?? I mean no offence n all that but I'm just snotty so deal with

but really why can't you just say g'morning i'm gonna have a cuppa cappuccino..wait for it and then pay for it and then just..drink your coffee? How on earth can you get teenage girls involved in this wee tiny action???

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:08:05 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

To mp072004 you replied just how I wanted someone to reply, thank you.

And to explain a little farther, my submissiveness makes an appearence usually by lack of eye contact, I'm very intimidating looking (so I've been told) and my voice is very deep so I raise it up several octives, I am trying not to intimidate them because when I do it makes me feel dominant. But I think it comes across as weakness and these girls already have a pre-conception of who I should be.

I understand I shouldn't care what they think, but the point is I care what everyone thinks.

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 13

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:09:24 PM

MistressWolfen

Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo
I've been subject to this as well, especially from teenage girls who get very upset when my submissiveness makes an appearence around them, they tend to verbally attack me after that, like somehow they're responsible for my actions.

May I ask how your submisseveness is making it's "appearance" around teenage girls?

quote:

The teenage girls I'm talking about are for the majority Tim Horten's girls, I can't seem to buy a coffee in this city without one of them turning their nose up at me.

Am I to understand that you exhibit or offer submission to unknown, barista teenage girls in a public venue?
If I have understood your posts correctly it is a wonder you have not had a more serious incident arise. As the mother of one of these "critters" I am quite amazed you left with only your feelings hurt from verbal attacks.

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 14

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:19:59 PM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

hm judgement time:
To me lack of eye contact sure it can be submissiveness but people that can't keep an eyecontact for a little bit effect me as dishonest or not trustworthy..I'm just probably old school.
Then..to be frank.. you could try to...brighten up your look a little bit and figure out in what way people think you're intimidating and then you could maybe try to change your appearance a little bit so you won't be as intimidating? I mean even changing a haircut can do a major change! it doesn't have to be a lot
and erm...since your voice is very deep and you raise it up several octaves..I think you should try just to use your normal voice I'm imagining a guy with a very deep and powerful voice and when raising it up several octaves well he comes out..(in my mind) as weak actually lol or perhaps a little bit pervy...or sissy or gay..I'm not sure but when a guy raises his voice...it becomes softer and therefore it could end up a little bit of..my previous descriptions?
I'm just guessing here though and telling my opinion..

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 15

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:21:47 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

Okay I didn't want to say it like this because it makes me sound vain, but i think these girls want me to flirt with them and when I don't they take that as an insult. I am very young looking for my age, kind of stereotypical model type, lots of muscles, tall, etc.. The reaction I'm getting from them is submissiveness coming out in them and then anger when I don't react to it.

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 16

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:27:32 PM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mogigo

And to explain a little farther, my submissiveness makes an appearence usually by lack of eye contact, I'm very intimidating looking (so I've been told) and my voice is very deep so I raise it up several octives, I am trying not to intimidate them because when I do it makes me feel dominant. But I think it comes across as weakness and these girls already have a pre-conception of who I should be.

I understand I shouldn't care what they think, but the point is I care what everyone thinks.

I think the point is that THIS is the real problem. Find yourself and you'll worry less what others think of you.

Why all the thought of what a coffee house counter person thinks you 'should be'? Why all the thought to amend your behavior 'as not to intimidate them'. Lastly, why the focus on this, in particular?

Sorry, this is beginning to sound odd.

Best,

~Thea

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 17

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:32:57 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

I wanted to thank all of you for all your replies on my other posts as well, these discussions have brought up so many issues I need to deal with myself. I will be making an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday.

(in reply to MistressTheaZ)

Post #: 18

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:34:47 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

I don't know about submissiveness coming out in them or them getting verbally abusive because you don't flirt. That seems a bit of a stretch IMO. How about giving us a play by play on what exactly you do and say and then what they do and say.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to MistressTheaZ)

Post #: 19

RE: niceness = weakness - 9/2/2006 1:36:17 PM

mogigo

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

I was focused on this issue because this where most of the anger directed toward me is coming from, there are plenty of other examples with adults and males as well, but it's almost a daily occurence with Timmy's. I guess that's probably because that's one place I frequent everyday.

(in reply to mogigo)

Post #: 20

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