Emperor1956
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Gauge: First, a bit of My background: I am living this same story with my mother, almost exactly to the point where I stopped several times as I read your posts and said "is this guy my reincarnated brother!?" My mother too is in a wheelchair, lives alone (my father passed away six years ago), has limited financial resources, and is stubborn as heck (I come by it honestly!).
And you said this: quote:
My mother and I have not had a very close relationship throughout my life and that fact makes this all the more difficult to deal with because I do care what happens to her but a part of me really resents the fact that when I needed her she was never there. MAN, did that hit home. Although I don't feel my mother was "never there", we did not have an especially close relationship. My younger brother was much more the "favorite", and the one who was supposed to stay close to home. I do resent that she never took any steps earlier in her life to plan on being a bit self-reliant. Case in point: although she was a successful business owner, she never really understood finance, and still needs to be walked through the most basic financial transaction. And I am the only one involved in this stuff (besides My wife, who is wonderful with My mother.) I am the sole remaining close family member, my only brother having died suddenly two years ago.
So, a few things, some philosophical, some practical.
1. quote:
I feel that if I cannot get her out of the house on my own then she shouldn't be living in her house that is not retrofitted for a handicapped person. Sell the house. Yes she'll tell you that it will kill her. Yes she'll make every excuse under the sun (and Gauge, my mother, in the face of almost dying because of an uncontrolled bladder infection, told Me that she wouldn't let the paramedics in because the house was "dirty". And god love her, she NEVER was much of a housekeeper!) But my mother's house was not wheelchair friendly, and it was a burden, and making her move to a wheelchair accessible apartment four years ago was the best thing we could have done. Sell. The. House.
2. quote:
I have talked to her about getting assistance to come into her home and do basic chores for her. She won't hear of it. She doesn't want anyone in her house because she can't trust them. It isn't like she has bars of gold laying around. Do it. Explain to her that you need help taking care of things, and this is something that has to happen.
There are several levels of in-home care. You said that she doesn't need the care provided by a nurse's aide in the home (basic medical assistance, for instance, drawing daily insulin, or help with cleaning a wound site or an ostomy) but the fact that she is wheelchair bound indicates that this level of care might not be inappropriate, and may be needed soon. Moreover, home care nurses aides will usually provide assistance with meals and light housekeeping. Your mom may down the road also need actual nursing care once or twice a week (higher level assistance such as checking a catheter or dealing with pressure sores). Right now it sounds like she needs assistance with daily living (preparing meals, bathing, moving from bed to chair, etc.) Each of these is a different catagory of care and each has a deep infrastructure to provide it. (The usual issue is cost. I am pretty expert at how this stuff is paid for (or how to get Medicare and Medicaid to pay for it) but you haven't expressed that question. Ask me privately if it is an issue.) In any event, GET THE HELP.
3. I am surprised that no one posted this: One of the great resources in your community is undoubtedly your church, synagogue or other religious community. First, in having these difficult discussions with your Mom, is there a spiritual person she might listen to? In my instance, my mother's Rabbi was of tremendous help (and my mother is not at all a religious or observant person). Consider that a spiritual counselor might well be able to talk to her about the practical issues. Second, the church/synagogue (I'd throw in mosque, but that would seem gratuitous -- if I'm wrong, call the Imam, please!) will have senior resources. "Meals on wheels", "shut in service", just visiting the sick -- all are organized programs that are likely administered in a caring, not preachy (most of these groups have their heads on right...if not, go to the next available source!) and competent manner.
4. quote:
I am fried. I am teetering at a breaking point which I fear will end up in disaster for me. I mean having a breakdown. My nerves are shot to the point that whenever the phone rings I cringe because I am afraid that it is her with yet another thing for me to do.
Look, I might sound like a calloused ungrateful fuck, but I have to take care of myself too. I have a hard enough time with daily life without having to worry if her wild birds are fed or some other thing. I am tired. No, you sound like most of us when we are in this situation. First, remember, if you flip out/stroke out/freak out/ flatline, who's gonna take care of her? You need your senses and your strength, and if need be, you TELL her that (tho I assure you, the caregivers listed above will be on the front lines for that -- "caregiver burnout" is the major problem in these cases). And you know what...the wild birds will survive without a daily handout....consider that if it is a real issue, you can get a feeder that you can fill once a week. But more important, pare down what HAS to be done, what SHOULD be done, and what is NICE to be done...and then get the first stuff under control.
5. This is how we know we are grown ups.
6. Best of luck. If you need resources re: anything I said, drop me a line.
E.
< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 9/5/2006 11:20:03 PM >
_____________________________
"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.
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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 
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