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Simular experience - 9/5/2006 2:59:00 PM   
MIslostsoul


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline 		For the past 3 months i have been taking care of my Master Elderly Mother. It is very stressful for me and at time a down right bother. I do it because it is what he wishes and it keeps his stress level down. Does any ones else have the experience of being a care giver.

He has also added a schedule to my day so that i can decompress, which i am greatful for but this is almost impossible because his mother is a very demanding and Domineering person.

I have talked to him about it and he just say that i should do what she ask and ignore her pushy behavior.
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RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 3:53:28 PM   
Yang4yin


Posts: 1677
Joined: 7/26/2006
From: NC (USA)
Status: offline 		Does he offer to help out at all?
Can he afford to hire a private duty nurse or some kind of part-time assistant?
 
As someone who has helped with some of the care of an elderly parent, I know first hand how stressful it gets. He should count his blessings that you've been doing this for him for so long! It's definitely not easy.

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 4:49:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		FYI- it's "similar"

Secondly, I think your doms response is really unreasonable and completely ineffective in terms of actually dealing with the problem long term.  Unless she has alzheimers or some mental disability that means she cannot learn or be expected to behave as an adult- rude and demanding behavior towards her caretaker is inappropriate.

This is your job, and doing a job where the "boss" demeans you everyday, is overly demanding and unreasonable, with little rewards or advancement, combined with a partner who isn't willing to WORK to make things better is not going to end well in the long term.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 4:51:22 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		No I have not, and would not, let myself experience that, but it sounds to me like she might serve your purposes very well.

"I want that release to be pushed over the edge and give up the ghost of pretence..."

(in reply to Yang4yin)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 4:51:32 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I just finished taking care of someone that was chronically ill with a few fatal diseases. He was completely dependent on us for everything. I know how taxing this is and unless you are Jesus Christ you are going to need far more than the graciousness of a schedule. I worry for you, because our whole family went through caretaker burnout and after he passed away it became very obvious just how stressed we were. If you are doing this without help you could be actually doing something that can cause you physical problems as the stress mounts.

Im tempted to make comments I should not about your dominant so I am going to leave this here... it would not be productive to judge this... but I hope he listens, take more responsibility for his own burdens, and gets you help before it overwhelms you... submissive does not equal marytr.. You may indeed be saint material, but you may just as easily crack.

BTW, I communicated to the person I was caring for if he was being inappropriate with being pushy and rude that he needed to stop acting that way. I did not ignore it, nor did I allow him to be tyrannical over this household.. it was hard enough to take care of him without him fighting me... I was ALWAYS kind to him, but I was firm too.. he was to treat us all with respect... and that is not too much to ask if she is able to understand that concept.

Just my opinion

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 9/5/2006 4:53:04 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
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RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 5:07:06 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Im tempted to make comments I should not about your dominant so I am going to leave this here...

Isn't that basically just passively saying it anyway?

It says pretty much the same thing, just you get to say "Well I didn't SAY anything judgemental..." when the intent and thoughts are clearly communicated.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 5:09:54 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		Did you give your submission to his mother? If she is not your Dom then you do not need to submit to her.

People who are bullies, which is what it sounds like to me, need to have people stand up to them. I would make sure that her imperative needs are dealt with (ie necessary to life that they cannot do at all for themselves) then everything else happens when you choose it to.

If she's being particularly rude, then her lunch disappears until she can act in a civil manner. You aren't choosing to starve her, you are allowing her to make the choice to behave properly and eat or misbehave and not eat. It's her choice. If she wants a drink of water, then the glass should be put where she can reach it. If she demands that it be closer or that you hold it (when she's capable of holding it herself) then she needs to ask nicely. Trust me, they get much more difficult for a while but if your Dom will back you up it will work.

When I worked on a nursing station there was a nurse who would ask a man who wanted his behind wiped if he could reach to place a urinal for himself. If he could, then she would tell him he could wipe himself. Obviously she wouldn't do this to someone who truly was unable, but people can generally do a lot more for themselves than they will try to do if you allow them to get away with it.

My $1.98 cuz inflation has made my opinion worth a lot more than $.02!!

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 5:26:19 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		It shows great charater to be able even WILLING to do such things. My suggestion is to sit down with your master and ask him to please find some more help and to talk to his mother about her rudness. He doesn't have to be rude or hurtful when he mentions it, he shoudl simply explain what a God send you are to her and how much he appericates your help and ask her to show you a little more kindness and pacience. I'm sure this is a touchy subject for all. But with most things I'm sure it has a awnser that can be appealing to all parties. I hope everything works out doll.

(in reply to sublizzie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 5:36:46 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Im tempted to make comments I should not about your dominant so I am going to leave this here...

Isn't that basically just passively saying it anyway?

It says pretty much the same thing, just you get to say "Well I didn't SAY anything judgemental..." when the intent and thoughts are clearly communicated.


Yes it is and perhaps I shouldn't have said it... others have anyways, and what I wanted to say was not really all that bad,.. perhaps he should think about his responsibility to his mother. The man I took care of his own daughters would not help with, so it bothers me that people do not help with their old people.. my personal issue

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 9/5/2006 5:38:10 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 6:31:47 PM   
ayasha


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline 		one imagines that He really doesn't know what to do with His mother or how to handle her, and is putting it on you - that is fairly common when an elderly parent needs taken care of.  one is not putting him down for this - some people do not deal well with things like this.  Does she live with you? 

If he has scheduled down time for you, you have the right to take it.  Is she capable of caring for herself during this time?  Or is it when he is home?  Can that be after she has eaten and been toileted and then takes a nap or rests?  If she has been taken care of, is warm, and has something nearby to drink, there is no reason she needs to disturb you during this time and you may have to put your foot down.  Do you get days off?  Would it be possible to hire a nurse's aide through one of the local home health agencies or senior citizen agencies to work one or two days per week to give you a break?  Or even a couple of half days? 

It is a difficult situation to be in - for both of you - one hopes that you can work it out and it doesn't ruin your relationship.  Maybe if you have solutions worked out for some of the problems before you approach Him (such as part time help or taking your break when she is napping) He will be more open to listening to you. 

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Simular experience - 9/5/2006 6:31:50 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIslostsoul

For the past 3 months i have been taking care of my Master Elderly Mother. It is very stressful for me and at time a down right bother. I do it because it is what he wishes and it keeps his stress level down. Does any ones else have the experience of being a care giver.

He has also added a schedule to my day so that i can decompress, which i am greatful for but this is almost impossible because his mother is a very demanding and Domineering person.

I have talked to him about it and he just say that i should do what she ask and ignore her pushy behavior.


With all you're enduring I hope you have a valid way to release and unwind that has nothing to do with either party. It sounds like you are in dire need of some me time and a little tlc as well. Caretaking is never easy and a stark reality of aging that many are ill prepared for. I would hope that the division of duties is equitable in your mind and he is offering assistance and support for the situation. If the latter does not occur you run the risk of building up silent resentment which is contrary to your relationship.

You could simply ask his mother what her behavior has gained her throughout her life. It is probable she has always behaved in this way in some capacity. I'm unsure of his relations or circumstances, but the burden can fall heavily on one's shoulders when others don't wish to be involved. I would end the dialogue with a simple question for her. Inquire on how you can make her happy and most comfortable. It can never be said that you failed to seek her input and if the responses are ill tempered or unreasonable you'll have firmer ground to stand upon.

In the end it is difficult for you to dismiss what he is readily willing to ignore. She is his mother after all. Unfortunately she doesn't occupy that place in your life. Power exchanges aside, a partner cannot be expected to have the same measure of feelings or tolerance for our parental units that we will have. Especially since her current behavior has done little to inspire this. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and send a huge dose and strength and peace in your direction.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Simular experience - 9/6/2006 1:33:08 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIslostsoul

For the past 3 months i have been taking care of my Master Elderly Mother. It is very stressful for me and at time a down right bother. I do it because it is what he wishes and it keeps his stress level down. Does any ones else have the experience of being a care giver.

He has also added a schedule to my day so that i can decompress, which i am greatful for but this is almost impossible because his mother is a very demanding and Domineering person.

I have talked to him about it and he just say that i should do what she ask and ignore her pushy behavior.


Hello MIlostsoul,

I was just wondering if your Master has spent any significant time doing this for himself.

Does he really understand the difficulties you are facing?

While HE may be equipped to deal with *pushy behaviour* it doesn't equate to YOU being able to do the same thing.

Caring for a demanding and domineering person on a significant level can deplete the most stoic person.

Also, there's a slight contradiction in being told to *ignore pushy behaviour* and being told to *do as she asks*.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Simular experience - 9/6/2006 2:38:24 AM   
MistressMaamNH


Posts: 211
Joined: 8/11/2004
Status: offline 		Being someone's full-time care taker is  physically, mentally and emotionally demanding.  It's not something that should be pawned off on someone simply because it's convenient, especially if it is your own Mother.  People who do are caregivers, either do it out of love and an emotional commitment (such as for a parent), or they do it for a job/career and thus get paid for it, and they choose it as a career.. 

This is not a judgement of your master's dominant abilities, this is more about his responsibility as a son, and how he's pawning off the care of his Mother in a manner that is less than honorable, in My opinion. (yep, and I know this last statement will probably cause an uproar....wouldn't be the first time I've stepped on toes)

MMNH


_____________________________

Let Me lay you softly, down onto the thorns...

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Simular experience - 9/6/2006 4:44:49 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Taking care of an elderly or sick person is a very stressful and time consuming activity. It sounds to me like your giving as much as you can and I believe that your Dom should help out more then he does. After all this is HIS Mother, not yours and as far as her behavior goes, I mirror what others have said. Don't tolerate bad behavior, sometimes the elderly act and think like children, sometimes you have to treat them as such. If she knows she can roll right over top of you she views you as HER doormat.

I think its time for you and your Owner to have a chat about HIS Mother and how he should either step in to aid with her care or consider hiring a professional. Don't let your good intentions be taken advantage of, you will only stress yourself out and it will take a toll on you.

Just my opinion,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to MistressMaamNH)
Profile   Post #: 14
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