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Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 2:59:30 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I hope this doesn't come through as being excessively whiny, and apologize if it does:
I'm having an Introspective day, having thoughts of "What if I don't have a clue, and is all of this real?" and wondering if anyone ever went through these within the First Year of entering into D/s or BDSM lifestyle?
I'm chatting/talking to people, reading, have met a couple of people, gotten a little play in (not for lack of volunteers), but some days balancing being True (sorry Gloria, lol, it just fit here) to oneself, and trying to find a good balance becomes chaotic (at least to imagine).

Trying to meet people who try to mold me into what they think a Domme/Mistress should be, and my having to tell them to look elsewhere, becomes annoying and exhausting sometimes. I am me (a loving Dominant, who is controlling/gets off on power exchange, but not in a loud BitchGoddess kind of way, unless it's for punishment reasons)
Wondering how other Dominants/people felt in general...
Thanks for reading/replying, M
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:11:32 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Trying to meet people who try to mold me into what they think a Domme/Mistress should be, and my having to tell them to look elsewhere, becomes annoying and exhausting sometimes.


When I met my first Dom, no thoughts like that came to mind. It was so very hard to find the next one. It took many year's of looking and talking. I really thought I would never have a Dom again.
I speak for myself here only but I went through the same feelings when I met my Dom. It was such an exhaustive search. D/s did not even enter are arena until we knew we enjoyed other facets of life. I was looking for a life partner, not a play mate.
Our first play session I found out all of my fears were unfounded. From play to everyday life. We both grew together. I do things for my Dom now that I did not do for my past Dominant. No realtionship is the same.
As I said in another thread we were on. I like full control but for me it is not control at all. I give him nothing but my trust. It is hard for me to imagine giving my trust to him to be a struggle.
He is the first voice I hear every morning and the last I hear each night. He dresses me daily and makes sure I eat something decent. Sort of like a father figure but so much more.
In turn I take care of him like nobody has ever in his lifetime. So, it is a power exchange.
It balances the both of us out. Play is probably 5% of our life together. You"ll grow together.

If you enter the lifestyle slow and you are honest with your partner there is nothing you will do wrong. At least in my opinion.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:16:13 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		All I can say is that you should be yourself. After all if you keep changing from one little way or another or begin to give up being one way and start saying you're into another, you'll only meet ppl who aren't what you want. So stay yourself as you know you are and look for exactly what you want. That way that cute and strong subbie that you are looking for who knows who he is and what he wants will come to you brave and willingly.

Attachment (1)

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I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:19:38 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		If you look at BDSM as just another thing, learning to drive, starting a new job, you will see that apprehension, or self doubt is just a part of the learning experience.

You are doing all the right stuff, talking, reading, meeting, and experiencing.

I am sure your confidence today is ten fold of what it was when you were originally bitten by the BDSM bug.

The best advice I can give is to use your brain like a sponge, soak it all in, and use the knowledge as your own.

The best part is that since there are no rules per se, you can do it anyway you choose.

Just remember to be Safe, Sane, & Consentual!

And have fun!

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:28:15 PM   
merrymasochist


Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline 		dear BlkTallFullfig,

i don't think You sound "whiny" at all... You're trying to find Your way and develop Your own style through a sea of information and differing opinions on how they think You should be... there's as many different outlooks, styles and practices in the lifestyle as there are people...

as i've said before, finding someone who fits Your own style and outlook can be likened to panning for gold, You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the gold... hang in there and try not to let the confusion get You down... just remain true to Yourself and what You want and eventually You will find the right one who fits with You...

sincerely,
merry

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:28:29 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks Gloria, FangsNfeet and Insideyourmind,
You're all being so understanding and kind, I'm going to cry...
I apreciate the kind words/advice.
M

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:31:28 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		Oh, were you looking for me to be my typically sarcastic self?

Stop your whimpering, you are a Domme dammit, you're making the rest of us look bad!



_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:33:53 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline
quote:


ORIGINAL: merrymasochist

You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the gold...



Are ya sure its sand, and not another 4 letter word starting with S?

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:33:58 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: merrymasochist
dear BlkTallFullfig,
as i've said before, finding someone who fits Your own style and outlook can be likened to panning for gold, You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the gold... hang in there and try not to let the confusion get You down... just remain true to Yourself and what You want and eventually You will find the right one who fits with You...
sincerely,
merry

Thanks Merry,
That prospect is a little scary sometimes... I try to only look/interact with people when I have the strength and sense of humor to believe a little bit... On days like this, I will do very little by way of interacting with potentials, or am likely to act like the "BitchGoddess" I said I wasn't, lol...
M


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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:35:12 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: INSIDEYOURMIND

quote:


ORIGINAL: merrymasochist

You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the gold...



Are ya sure its sand, and not another 4 letter word starting with S?

ROFLMAO.... Very Funny.... Now I'm jealous of Cynnacent. M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 1/6/2005 3:37:20 PM >

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 3:43:58 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		I often think to myself, anja (that is my given name) what the h*** are you thinking aboute, actualy letting a man use your body, ordering you around and using a whip on you among other things, girl that is insane. I also often think that i can not be a good sub becouse i have goals passions for somthing i want to do just for me, somthimes i think the whole thing whit D/s is just one confusing mess, but then at other times, i want it so bad.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 4:29:42 PM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Ya know what, M? I know lots of different real life Fem Doms. Not one is a Bitch Goddess. All are loving, caring Women of power and stature. Don't believe what the internet or books or porn tell you that you have to be.

And, if you DO want to be a Bitch Goddess...go ahead! Just remember not to be a Bitch to the other Fem Doms...we don't like that much. LOL

Fire


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you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 5:15:39 PM   
cynnacent1


Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline
quote:

ROFLMAO.... Very Funny.... Now I'm jealous of Cynnacent. M

And just think, He's not playing it up at all. He's exactly the same in person. .. and it's one of the reasons of why i love Him.

Regarding the topic of the thread, a little bit of self doubt now and then is a good thing and normal in any situation. It provides reason at times to slow down, step back and revaluate. i see it as a valuable tool of maintaining good balance in any learning and/or growth process.

¸,ø¤º°cynnacent°º¤ø,¸ (proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND)





< Message edited by cynnacent1 -- 1/6/2005 5:16:12 PM >

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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 5:24:42 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

as i've said before, finding someone who fits Your own style and outlook can be likened to panning for gold, You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the gold...


That's one of the best analogies I've heard on this site.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to merrymasochist)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 6:03:15 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

as i've said before, finding someone who fits Your own style and outlook can be likened to panning for gold, You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the gold...


That's one of the best analogies I've heard on this site.

Thanks Proudsub, I agree, it reaches at the core of what I needed to hear.
Thanks Cynnacent, I agree (that self doubt is good sometimes, though it's not a great feeling), it's good for making one more open to learning.
M

(in reply to proudsub)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 6:30:16 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nella

I often think to myself, anja (that is my given name) what the h*** are you thinking about... somthimes i think the whole thing whit D/s is just one confusing mess, but then at other times, i want it so bad.

Exactly what I mean, thanks Nella...

Thank you MistressFire, The BitchGoddess comment comes from my having chat/talked with men who say they like women who are loud/mean/cruel; this comes into convo when they're trying to mold me into the right sadist for them (again, something I primarily am Not)... I'm plenty mean if someone annoys me, but otherwise am softly harsh (hope you know what I mean). .. I would Never be a bitch to other women! Well, unless they asked for it... On second thought, that's the same reason I'd be a bitch to a man, otherwise, I prefer my men be the bitch, winks... M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 1/6/2005 7:19:05 PM >

(in reply to nella)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 9:24:36 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		When I was new I went through a transition phase when I felt pressured to live up to what I thought dominants where supposed to be like. It took some time but as I became more comfortable with myself as a dominant I learned to relax and just be myself. These days I am content being who I am and I don't waste my time with those who want me to be something other than that. The ones who I want to be with are ultimately drawn to me because they're looking for those qualities that make me who I am.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/6/2005 9:57:04 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks DomTimothy,
I feel yah... and like your Disclaimer... M

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RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/7/2005 7:19:14 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

As the others have said, i don't believe that you're coming off as 'whiny' in any way. This realm does have a tendency to overwhelm the newly-initatied. Considering that for one, this is a fringe, subculture type of environment where concrete, black & white distinctions are few and far between and combine that with the fact that so many concepts and ideas are so very polarized for the participants. What do you get? A lot of people saying that one must behave in this manner and a whole swarm of others saying that one must behave exactly opposite of that manner (don't forget the wealth of us who linger somewhere in between!). It's enough to make the omniscient confused! Yes, there are going to be times when You're uncertain of what You want/what's best for You or Your partner but that means only that You care enough to contemplate what You're doing serioiusly - which is very good! my best advice here - find someone is knowledgeable, preferably holds the same interests/views as Yourself and who can be objective enough to help walk You through Your own mind when the terrain gets rocky.

Good news: You, like all of the rest of us lil kinksters, don't have to take anyone's word as gospel. Read, talk, learn about all that You can and then pick out what seems to fit best with Your desires, personality & unique situation. If anyone tries to give You flack, just remember You're a Dominant and You can do as You damned well please!

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Self Doubt when New... - 1/7/2005 12:31:01 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Destinysskeins
This realm does have a tendency to overwhelm the newly-initatied. Considering that for one, this is a fringe, subculture type of environment where concrete, black & white distinctions are few and far between and combine that with the fact that so many concepts and ideas are so very polarized for the participants. What do you get? A lot of people saying that one must behave in this manner and a whole swarm of others saying that one must behave exactly opposite of that manner (don't forget the wealth of us who linger somewhere in between!). It's enough to make the omniscient confused! Yes, there are going to be times when You're uncertain of what You want/what's best for You or Your partner but that means only that You care enough to contemplate what You're doing serioiusly - which is very good! my best advice here - find someone is knowledgeable, preferably holds the same interests/views as Yourself and who can be objective enough to help walk You through Your own mind when the terrain gets rocky.

Good news: You, like all of the rest of us lil kinksters, don't have to take anyone's word as gospel. Read, talk, learn about all that You can and then pick out what seems to fit best with Your desires, personality & unique situation.
If anyone tries to give You flack, just remember You're a Dominant and You can do as You damned well please!

Thanks Very Much Destiny for taking the time and considering my situation... I apreciate the thoughtful advice, and am in touch with a couple of more experienced people I respect, so will keep on.
I do like to consider the other's comfort/happiness, but indeed it'll have to be within my comfort zone because I am the Dominant. M

(in reply to Destinysskeins)
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