Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (Full Version)

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QueenLivia -> Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 4:47:55 AM)

Hi Ladies and Gentlemen:

I am a newbie. My experience with BDSM have been in my relationships before and most men saw it as "odd" that a woman would display certain sadist behavior, like biting and scratching. Anyway, I found a slave a few months but we only had 2 sessions and he knew I was a newbie but he told me I was too nice and not vicious enough for him.

Now, I have a date with someone whom I am considering a relationship but he really wants to be my bottom/masochist/sub this weekend. It will be our first time in intimate setting. He is constantly sending me text messages with his fantasies. In the vanilla world, he is a top exectuive and no one would ever suspect a thing.

Anyway, I need advice on:
1. What to do in regards to role plays? I researched on this and I know I am the mighty Amazon and Goddess and Nanny.
2. Mistress putting the collar on the sub ceremony. I have the collar.
3. What do you usually do with your new sub?
4. I dont want to lose this new one!

My style: I am very affectionate yet love to be in control Domme.

Thanks!



mp072004 -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 5:09:12 AM)

1. Role plays are very individualized. Some people don't like them, and people who do like them usually like only certain ones. If you want to make your prospective bottom happy, I'd suggest you look to his fantasies, as he seems to be expressing them liberally, and see whether they involve nannies, prison guards, teachers, police officers, or any other "characters". Then--you can likely figure this out without asking specifically--determine whether realism or sexiness is more important to him.

2. This isn't something I've ever made a big deal out of--collars are nice attachment points and pretty jewelry--so I haven't got specific advice. Again, if you want to make him happy, look to his fantasies. If you're nervous about looking silly or theatrical, put a collar on him with as little ceremony as possible.

3. Depends on the person. If this guy likes to bottom to pain, I'd do a lot of SM with him, because I like to hurt people. When you say you like an affetionate approach, does that mean you like a lot of "romantic" touches? If so, you can do this with pain. Put your arms around his neck and bring your knee up into his balls. Cuddle with him while he's hooked up to a TENS unit.

4. If keeping this man in your life is more important than getting exactly what you want in a relationship, that's fine as long as you recognize that you will likely have to adopt behaviors that he likes that you may not like so well. In your particular case, he's very infatuated with you and is telling you clearly what he wants, it seems, so it isn't likely to be hard to do the things he says he wants.

Good luck!

Monica



Lashra -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 5:22:11 AM)

It is wonderful that you have found someone that you believe you can have this type of relationship with. Some things you may want to keep in mind is that trust is the foundation of any relationship and that takes time to build. I would suggest going slowly and clearly communicate your expectations of him. After all he is the sub it is HIS job to serve and please YOU.  
You said that a past sub stated that you were *too nice* and not vicious enough. It sounds to me like that sub was looking for a fantasy Domme and not interested in a real Domme. Unfortunately that does happen quite a bit as some of these men are more interested in getting their rocks off rather then in serving a strong woman. This is where communication really pays off, it helps you weed out the fakes and find the sincere subs.
As far as him telling you what HIS fantasies are, that is all well and good. However YOU decide what scenes you will play out and what you will not. If he is unwilling to go along with that, you know you have a player on your hands and not a real sub male. 
Now to answer your questions:   What to do in regards to role plays? With role play the sky is the limit, whatever YOU wish to play out, you play. I’ve done kidnapping, rape scene, dirty nurse, evil school girl who turns on daddy, the pirate Anne Bonnie, school matron and naughty boy, nun who deflowers the priest.

 Mistress putting the collar on the sub ceremony. I have the collar. It took me 2.5 years to collar my sub as I view these as permanent relationships and I refused to rush into it. But if you believe you know him well enough for that whatever ceremony you’d like is fine. There are some posted on the internet if you want something formal. For Me, we went out to dinner and I presented him with my collar.  

What do you usually do with your new sub? Whatever I want to do within the set limits. My first time scene with my current sub was a role play in which he had met a woman on the internet and met her at a hotel. Once there he found a knife wielding woman who cut off his clothes and told him he should of listened to Mommy when she told him not to meet strangers off the internet. He was tied up, flogged, had CBT done and was eventually *raped*. It was a lot of fun. 

I dont want to lose this new one! We Dommes are lucky in that there are many sub males and few Dommes. If this doesn’t work out for you, unless your in love with him, another one will come along. Never rush into anything there is just too much to loose.

~Lashra



TNstepsout -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 5:47:19 AM)

If you're feeling rushed about things because he wants to "play" this weekend, you might want to slow him down a bit. If you worry that slowing him down means losing him, then that's something else you need to think about. If he's forcing the timetable, who's really in control? Step back and take time to decide what YOU want and how his fantasies can be incorporated into that.



MisPandora -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 5:52:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenLivia

I am a newbie. My experience with BDSM have been in my relationships before and most men saw it as "odd" that a woman would display certain sadist behavior, like biting and scratching. Anyway, I found a slave a few months but we only had 2 sessions and he knew I was a newbie but he told me I was too nice and not vicious enough for him.



I do believe a number of us gave you advice on how to start and how to LEARN before you think to take a submissive on in a full-blown relationship.

quote:


...he really wants to be my bottom/masochist/sub this weekend. It will be our first time in intimate setting. He is constantly sending me text messages with his fantasies. In the vanilla world, he is a top exectuive and no one would ever suspect a thing.

I don't care WHAT he does in his mun life.  He's already using you as an outlet for his fantasies.  I see that constant playing of the tapes as objectification of the domina.  Regulate what he does now before it gets out of control. 

quote:


1. What to do in regards to role plays? I researched on this and I know I am the mighty Amazon and Goddess and Nanny.

Not everyone roleplays.  If that's what you're both into, go for it.  Do what things you both are interested in.

quote:


2. Mistress putting the collar on the sub ceremony. I have the collar.

WTF?  You've not even met the guy yet and you're already talking about owning him?  *holds head to keep it from blowing up and spewing brainmatter all over the place*

quote:


3. What do you usually do with your new sub?

Me? I train him.  I imprint him with my desires. I mold him. And ultimately, I do what I want with him. 

But I'm not new.  I know what is required of training a slave!  (Refer back to my original statement.)

quote:


My style: I am very affectionate yet love to be in control Domme.

OK, so develop your own style.  And seek a slave that's looking for that in a woman.  Don't keep looking for these guys who want and crave a harsh, vicious bitch of a woman if that's not YOU!  Be true to yourself!

(Edited because I've been up for 24 hours and am an idiot right now!)



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 6:10:07 AM)

When you say that you "don't want to lose" your second sub, I feel you are already placing yourself at his mercy.  It sounds like he is in control of how you present yourself as his Domme, and that is not how it should be, in my opinion.  I see you saying the word "relationship" while he is all about the fantasies, and that could pose a problem if you both are entering into the situation with different expectations.  I would encourage you to take your time, move forward when you are ready, and develop your own style.  Don't let him dictate to you how to do things in a scene.

I used to be told that I sounded "too nice", and those subs never got to see how wrong they were. [;)]

Be well,
Julie



MzTlaz -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 6:35:04 AM)

I dunno...this guy just seems like a vanilla guy with some fantasies he wants filled and you're the person he's chosen to fill them.   The ones that give me laundry lists of their fantasies and what they want end up in the trash basket along with their laundry lists.

I'll second everything Pandora said.   Join a group, learn...you're rushing things.  It really doesn't seem as if you know what you want or who you are right now, these are both things I believe a Dominant needs to know before they start taking responsibility for someone else.

Of course, if this is just a bedroom role play thing and not Lifestyle D/s.....roleplay on.



MsKatHouston -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 6:51:33 AM)

I will echo the sentiments of many of the posters here.  You need to find your voice, your style.  When starting out, there is nothing wrong with learning from a sub or adopting some of the sub's fantasies and mannerisms as a learning mechanism.  But ultimately, you are to decide if you like them as is, if you want to modify them or not do them at all. 

If you are not ready to play this weekend, don't.  There is nothing wrong with putting him in check a bit to set the tone for the relationhip and that he is NOT the one in control.  If you are ready to play, do what is comfortable to you and do not be pushed by thoughts of not wanting to lose this one. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and if this one can not be patient and take it in stride because he likes YOU as opposed to what you can DO for him, you're better off without him.

If you are roleplaying a Supreme Mistress of the Universe type thing and making him kneel before you to be your slave for the weekend and you do a collaring ceremony, fine.  If it is a part of the role play fantasy.  But do not confuse it with actual ownerhip.  Please wait a while before taking that step so you can get to know him better and so you can get to know yourself also. 

A new sub gets trained on my preferences.  How long will he be in your service?  A whole weekend?  Staying together?  Think of all the things you would do in a weekend and how you would like them.  Do you want him to draw your bath, clean the place, rub your feet?  Do you have a particular manner of address?  Way of sitting? dining? etc.

One last thing...learning occurs with both positive and negative experiences.  So soak it all in, have fun and with time you will develop your own style.  Good luck :)



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 7:27:10 AM)

I'm in agreement with observations of the other posters here.

There's a lot of dissonance between your profile and how you are presenting yourself here.  While none of us always have to be the same thing (both boring and impossible!), in your profile you clearly say that things are going to proceed at *your* pace, and that physical intimacy will come slowly.  Your post here focuses on what your potential submissive wants: while you want a relationship, he wants to bottom to you; he sends you *his* fantasies. 

Do you want him to bottom to you this weekend?  Do you want to get to know him more as a person?  How do you want that to happen?  Do you like listening to his fantasies?  (I ask because often I find the other person's fantasies intrusive, and did even more so when I was first starting out)  What's so great about this guy that you want to hang onto him so much?  You mention that he is in control in his profession -- I would observe that he is very much guiding the way the two of you are interacting now.

As to not being vicious enough, that's just manipulation from an impatient person.  I find that the more someone let's go of his own desires, the more controlling I become.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do when beginning to dominate is listening to your own desires.  I hope you'll give yourself time and space to do that, and have a submissive who will give himself over to *your* desires.

MSS



MstrssPassion -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 8:19:13 AM)

If you want to role-play activities with your partner... then hey, jump right in... you both can always have a giggle & do it over.

If you truly wish to be a dominant in your relationship you need to discover yourself before you start involving yourself with others. You make mistakes when establishing the tone & energy of a D/s relationship, you're pretty much screwed... no do-overs.

I looked at your profile... you're still all over the place.

quote:

woman with strong family values who still loves to be dominant with her men and perhaps submissive with some


You can't send out mixed signals & expect people to fall in place to suit you.

You say here... you don't want to lose this one. Insecurity, fear & lack of focus are easily picked up on. If this man picks up on this he will naturally slip into a more assertive role... get what he wants & essentially be in control of what takes place. If all he is looking for is someone to fulfill some kinky fantasies, maybe this can be a good thing. If he is truly seeking out someone to surrender himself to (as most executive/submale types do) then he will play the game but leave from the interaction unfulfilled & most likely seeking that person worthy of his true surrender.




MasterFireMaam -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 8:40:03 AM)

While I know that this doesn't really answer your questions directly, it may help.

Ask yourself (and yes, this really does have a point) these questions:
Would you sell yourself for money?
Would you sell yourself for sex?
Would you sell yourself for SM?
Would you sell yourself for love?

By the end of the list, you should realize that "selling yourself" doesn't mean getting money is exchange, even in the first question. It means selling what you stand for or who you feel you are in order to get what you think you need/want. It's not a bad thing to make this exchange; bartering is a basic idea. What's bad about it is if you do it blindly.

The mistake that I made time and time again in the beginning was catering to what the submissive wanted in order to keep them. I was selling my power in exchange for the relationship...this is an example of the Prostitute archetype functioning in its shadow aspect. Once I became aware that I was doing this and decided to NOT do this, things began to change. Yes, I had less people interested in me, but since all most want is kinky sex and this didn't match what I wanted, I didn't mind. I still don't. It's a rare thing for my profile to generate 5 inquiries a month.

However, it’s hard to overcome the training that we receive as women in society, especially if you’re southern. We are taught to cater and play hostess. Learning to expect and even demand that things be done OUR way can be difficult to cultivate. Have patience and compassion with yourself. You are most likely going to go through multiple submissives in order to learn. I sure did.

I also decided/discovered that this was/is more than just role play for me. Role playing is fun as hell, but if you're looking for a relationship with these submissives, there's no amount of role playing you can do in order to build a relationship. It WILL fail if you try, because you are both basing the relationship on personas that really aren't you. Save the role playing for the sex and base the relationship on who you really are. If that means you are a nice, polite person, DO IT. It can work.

Master Fire - a nice, polite person (mostly LOL)



thetammyjo -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 8:52:53 AM)

I read through the replies and have to echo some of them in saying that this man you are talking to does not sound like he wants a dominant but instead a top or a service dominant, someone to fulfill his fantasies.

If you are cool with that, then be prepared to focus on him, him, and him over and over and over again.

If you want to be the one in control, the one who is the dominant and not just performing the role of top, then you either need to tell him that you may or may not encorporate his fantasies or (my preference) move on to someone else.

My general advice to everyone starting out is to stop looking for a relationship.

Get experience first, relationships second. How can you make a good decision about a partner (and we are partners in BDSM before we are anything else in my not humble opinion) until you have experience with a variety of BDSM activities and partners?

I'm not just speaking out my butt here I'm speaking experiences. Please trust me, take your time and learn about yourself and about BDSM, have fun and play with at least a few different people, maybe find an organization or a mentor or just plain old friends into BDSM. You'll be a much stronger woman, a much more skill top, and a much more in control dominant after a year or two of experimenting and learning.



MisPandora -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 11:02:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

If you are roleplaying a Supreme Mistress of the Universe type thing and making him kneel before you to be your slave for the weekend and you do a collaring ceremony, fine.  If it is a part of the role play fantasy.  But do not confuse it with actual ownerhip.  Please wait a while before taking that step so you can get to know him better and so you can get to know yourself also. 

I'd also say that a real sub would be confused (and would hopefully run the other direction from) a woman who has posted that she's a switch one place, and posted in her entries that she was "born a dom" and that she's proud of herself that she "has the outfits" and that she practiced with a vibrator......(I kid you not, check the posts!).....but she's told all of us here that she's brand spankin new.

Something is mighty fishy in Denmark, or wherever this chica claims to be from.



Kirei -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 11:27:56 AM)

   One thing stands out in your post...and that is the fact that he is a top exec.  It is fairly common for men or women in these types of jobs to find a good release from them having to always be in control.  They can at times have to be very hard on people even when they do not want to be.  So for some being a total slave and getting beat is there release from the riggers of the vanilla world they must contend with.
  Now having said that, is this ok for you to pursue in a relationship?  Is this something that you feel ok with?  This kind of relationship may have you dealing with two extremes.  When out with his friends you may have to see and step back from your domme mode, as he is being the boss man of others.  It can be a fine line to walk.

Koneko



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 12:40:49 PM)

I honestly have to read this as a "topping from the bottom" kinky weekend.  Be very careful about what you are doing. I have a concern that you are jumping into something that is doomed to end exactly the way you don't wish it to end.  And  I think the questions MasterFireMaam posed are very good ones.  I get the impression that this is very similar to the young girl who thinks that having sex with her boyfriend is going to ensure her the love that she craves, when all he wants to do is get his rocks off. 
Referencing the "collar" situation:  I have always used a collar in My Professional sessions.  It means one thing, and one thing only.  "You are Mine to do with as I please for the next <insert amount of time here>".  At the end of the time, the collar comes off.  So velcro can be handy in these situations.  As to any collaring ceremony, I consider that to be much more important and reserved to a commitment to a relationship.  Not a fun weekend full of kink.  There isa  big difference between a playtime symbolic collar and I commitment to an ongoing relationship.  So please think about that one too.   
The fact that this man is forcing (sorry, but that is the way I see it) his fantasies on you, and the fact that you are projecting a rather "desperate" tone here, in that you do not wish to lose this one, I see this as a kinky weekend for him and a possible disappointment for you. 
If you want to be the Domina, then you need to be confident and in charge.  He will show his true colors fast enough if this puts him off.  After that you have to make the decision as to whether or not this is worth the possible heartache.
Didn't mean to be hard on you, but only trying to help you get some clarity.



Owned1 -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 1:35:36 PM)

You are the Domme, therefore You are in control.  You cannot lose him as you do not have him yet.  A bdsm relationship is the same as any other, would you sleep with a date the first time you met?  Then why would you play with this one.  I would suggest spending the weekend getting to know each other in more vanilla settings, see what he is like as an individual, see how he treats you.  You can set undertones of Dominance  throughout the weekend sublte looks, things you say, inuendos (sp?). 

Above all remember you are the one in control you need to take control of what you want to do and where you want this to go.  It is not about him unless you so decide it will be.

Owned



TNstepsout -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 3:13:25 PM)

quote:


Get experience first, relationships second. How can you make a good decision about a partner (and we are partners in BDSM before we are anything else in my not humble opinion) until you have experience with a variety of BDSM activities and partners?

I'm not just speaking out my butt here I'm speaking experiences. Please trust me, take your time and learn about yourself and about BDSM, have fun and play with at least a few different people, maybe find an organization or a mentor or just plain old friends into BDSM. You'll be a much stronger woman, a much more skill top, and a much more in control dominant after a year or two of experimenting and learning.


I have started a thread in response you your advice here, as I didn't want to hijack this one.  I would greatly appreciate your comments.



MistressWolfen -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 5:43:43 PM)

D*** QueenLivia, losing a sub is down right careless. I have misplaced mine on ocassion (right beside my reading glasses when I found him) but losing one? tsk tsk



PhDslave -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 6:20:53 PM)

Dear Queen Livia,

You have a fantastic profile. If that's who you really are then reread it and go with that. The advice given above seems sound (as far as I can tell since I'm not in their position). You have a LOT to offer a guy. He's LUCKY to be with you. I'm speaking objectively, but that's also a good attitude to have going into this. In your ad you mentioned that you wanted to take things slowly, so....

Reread the wonderful thoughts expressed in your profile and your bio. You are an accomplished Woman.  You can take his desires into account, but catering to specific fantasies on first meetings are what ProDommes do. If you're not one and want a relationship, listen to the advice offered above.

Remember, you are a remarkable Woman with so much to offer.

Sincerely,

Much older guy in N.H.



joyinslavery -> RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! (9/6/2006 6:31:10 PM)

Whip his ass. 



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