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MaamJay -> RE: Help getting started (9/10/2006 3:18:24 AM)
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You've had a lot of great advice here. Add www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html to your reading list, Mistress Steel has some good ideas for a first scene that isn't too hard or expensive to set up. And do be brave, get out and join your local community. While I learned a lot from reading, I have learned so much more from attending workshops and watching friends play. No way would I have attempted more complex and "edgy" techniques such as shibari, rope suspension and fireplay without being instructed in person by people skilled in those techniques.
Remember: To control someone else you must first be in control of yourself. Being Dominant is an awesome responsibility and a lot of hard work. You literally hold someone's life in your hands. But it can bring rich rewards.
A few practical tips:
While it might not be practical for you to try subbing or bottoming before you try Domming, at least try things out on yourself wherever possible (eg nipple clamps, temperature of wax, feel of a paddle or a flogger etc).
Err on the side of caution eg don't leave clamps or fairly tight bonds in place for more than 10 minutes initially. Monitor the sub's extremities at all times, for signs of skin turning blue, getting cool etc. Encourage your sub to tell you if they are feeling "pins and needles", numbness, aching joints etc.
Do a medical check before playing with a new sub, ask about past and present illnesses, including asthma, diabetes and blood pressure, and injuries, including whiplash, broken bones, sprains etc. Also enquire about medications and allergic reactions eg to latex!
Don't try to do everything in one session ... leave the subbie wanting more!
Much control is in the voice ... practice speaking authoritatively. Do it in front of a mirror so voice and body language match!
To finish, a funny and true story from My first real life scene with a sub:
I had "played" with this sub online several times, so he knew what to expect. Finally he was to visit and play in real. Naturally, I was very nervous but doing My best to hide it. After the opening pleasantries, I told him to strip. No surprise, he was expecting that. he peeled off shirt, jeans, shoes and socks ... but left his underwear on! Surprised Myself, I said "I thought I said to strip!" he turned and looked so embarrassed and said "i can't Mistress, i'm sorry, i just can't!" Great I thought, My first sub and I can't even get him naked! Thinking furiously fast, I decided not to push the point and instead ordered him to come over to Me and kneel and greet Me as instructed (to kiss My feet). The relief on his face as he did so was clear. So then I told him to do some foot worship, which I knew he was looking forward to. After about 5 minutes, I leant down, slipping My thumbs into the waistband of his underpants and said "I think W/we can dispense with these now". he agreed and peeled them off. The scene progressed well and came to an eventual satisfying conclusion. While snuggling and debriefing, I asked him why he wouldn't strip at first. he looked away shyly and murmured "because i wasn't hard Mistress!" I laughed (probably not the best reaction!) and cuddled him and said I hadn't expected him to be and that part of My pleasure was to watch that change occur. he was so relieved and W/we had no further problems in future scenes. To this day, part of My induction for new subs is that it's OK not to be hard straight away, but I still want them naked!
Moral of this story: A Dominant has to think on their feet, and if at first you don't succeed ... try another way!
Good luck!
Mistress Jay
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