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Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 2:13:26 AM

Horadell

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
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I am currently looking at all of the things that I dislike in my previous vanilla relationships, and moving some more into the won't tolerate spots as I define more clearly what I want, and don't want from a sub... but looking at these... I know there are definately qualities that subs/slaves would search for.

No matter how many of my desires a sub would fit, I have to fit as well.

Everyone has different desires and needs, but what kind of qualities should I be focusing on myself? Obviously to change completely for someone wouldn't be wise... on either person's part.

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 4:35:33 AM

mstrjx

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The problem, as I see it, is that you are coming at this from a vanilla vs. submissive standpoint.

It seems ridiculously easy to make this comparison, however I don't believe this is the case.

I think you will find that sexually submissive people have their own ways of thinking and action.

It might be fair to say that you really can't pick and choose individual aspects of submissive behavior that is interesting for you (or not) until you have actually experienced one of these types of people.

You are also approaching this as 'things that I'm not getting out of vanilla relationships'. Your emphasis is on yourself. Domination, for some, is more the guiding of the partner around your style. But the focus is on the submissive party, not yourself. I think if you are looking for a relationship, you will find this particular approach a little easier to manage.

As far as 'change'? If I work with a novice submissive, one of the first things that I tell that person is that 6 months from now, they might not even recognize themself, due to the mindshift in psychology from where they stood as someone about to make their first step.

But if you are also making 'your' first step, you will find that your abilities and tastes and skills will also change radically in YOUR first 6 months as well. Things that you think didn't interest you might have already occurred and even now become commonplace.

Now, I use the 6-month timeframe because when I first started, I was playing and with a partner daily. It could take significantly longer to notice this if your occurrences are less frequent.

Hope this helps.
Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Horadell)

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 5:12:47 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

Hey there,

I am a bit new to the entire BDSM lifestyle, and I do not have much experience. Part of the problem is the first Sub I was with had this overwhelming and overbearing need for discipline, and as it was my first experience in a D/s relationship, I had a fair bit of trouble complying with her needs. It got increasingly worse over the following 8 months and eventually it ended.

Since then, I have been reluctant to get back into anything at all, for fear of another bad experience. It seemed kind of awkward to answer to a cop because I didn't punish her...

I have been looking for a few weeks now and finally got directed to collarme.com by a Sub friend who has been in the lifestyle for 10 years. she advised me to look for a mentor of sorts, to sort of ease the overwhelming nature of getting into the lifestyle again.

Right now, I am working on a LDR, but my new sub is a little... emotional. I am having difficulties discussing certain things with her, more out of fear of a repeat of the first Sub. From either not punishing, or not know what is a cry for attention and what is a need for punishment... I just find myself reluctant. I have talked to her about this, and she feels it isn't that way at all, that I read her like a book. I can't even begin to count the times I have lost sleep (as a narcoleptic) staying up with her because she felt she wasn't good enough for me.

Any Ideas?

It may be just me, but i am confused about these apparently conflicting posts. It might be easier for people to actually help if they were given the whole picture, in that you have a sub and have had a sub. Otherwise i would concur with Jeff, wait, give it time, find a local group if possible, talk with other Doms, look at your fantasies to see what it is you are looking for. One can not become a Dom/Master as part of a negative response to previous relationships thinking it would keep bad things from happening to them in the future (relationship wise). It needs to be part of who they really are as a person.

(in reply to mstrjx)

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 5:13:11 AM

justheather

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Joined: 10/4/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Horadell
Obviously to change completely for someone wouldn't be wise... on either person's part.

No, it would not be wise to try to morph yourself into whatever type of person you think another person is looking for. It would also not be wise to try to Dom yourself up or Get Your Domliness On based on the qualities people here tell you are important in a Dom.

Most of the submissives Ive spoken to about WIITWD desire a dominant partner who is organically and naturally so. They look for things like emotional maturity, the ability to empathize and personal responsibility. They want someone who is not caught up in labels or what "a dom should be like". In short, they want to fall in love with a well-rounded, emotionally stable person who happens to be a dom. There is no quick way to becoming this person. (That's why a lot of us are with older guys.)

So, really, how can a person answer your question other than to say that you can work on the things in your life that you assess need working on? It is never a bad idea to be self-aware. It is never a bad idea to walk through life with your eyes open to the lessons that experience provides you.

Walking into a relationship with the idea that you need to "be" something, anything other than what you are at that moment, is most likely not going to lead to a long, fulfilling and intimate relationship. It will most likely lead to a lot of frustration and the exhausting work of trying to stay one step ahead of being "found out" for who you really are or your becoming resentful of the other person for not taking you as you are.

Work on whatever you believe needs to be worked on in your life and let the relationship part happen organically. After all, don't you want to be with the one who wants to be with you the way you really are?

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Horadell)

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 6:26:00 AM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
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What I was searching for was someone I could respect. So you need to respect yourself and be doing good things in your life. A quiet confidence.

I also think it is really important to figure out the difference between domineering and dominant and to not cross that line.

You have to show by how you live your life that you are a responsible person because a submissive is going to be putting her emotional welfare into your hands.

What qualities do you look for in someone you consider trustworthy? Develop those qualities.

I really admire you putting up this post, wanting to learn and grow and become a better person. That is really cool!

(in reply to Horadell)

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 6:56:24 AM

juliaoceania

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I would read justheather's response carefully, she is right about what most of us want, which is someone who is themselves. It is what attracted me to this sort of relationship, being myself.

As far as what you look for or do not look for with a submissive female. It is different than vanilla in some ways, but not all ways. Try to find someone that treats you with respect, kindness, is interested in your life, and loves to do things for you... add love and undertanding. I know that some will not agree with this statement, but D/s relationships are not all that different from vanilla ones in many ways. You still have to deal with problems, your sub will likely get PMS and do things you do not like, and neither of you will be the perfect sub or dom. Be human beings first and be who you are, if it is a natural thing it should flow in a natural way.

Some want to change their partners, others do not, I have to say I wonder about it when people want to change everything about their sub... what attracted them in the first place?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justheather)

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 8:21:25 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Horadell
...Everyone has different desires and needs, but what kind of qualities should I be focusing on myself?...

Self-confidence.

quote:

I know there are definately qualities that subs/slaves would search for.

try keeping in mind that subs/slaves are also individuals. this slave has had the opportunity to meet some that identify as sub or slave but do not resemble one in any way...just because someone identifies as a sub or slave does not necessarily mean that is how they operate in the "BDSM dictionary" definition or your own personal definition of the words.

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 9:30:36 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I did this, too. It began more like a resume of what I feel I have to offer...then I got into the part about what I wanted. The project expanded over the years, then I met Jack McGeorge and drooled over his Order of Discipline manual. I took the information I had already gathered about myself and finally came up with a manual of my own. Perhaps looking through it it will help? There are two main sections: how life in my household will be and what I have to offer someone who serves that household. If you do something like this, know it will change over time!

House of Fire

Master Fire

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RE: Curiousity, as a new Dom - 9/7/2006 3:50:00 PM

Horadell

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
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thanks for that link It may be a little early to work something like that out, but I can still start writing down a list of things I want/need and a list of things I can offer.

I want to be able to grow and develope without getting out of control. Thanks to anyone who has already given me their insight, I look forward to hearing from anyone else.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

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