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Conflicted - 9/7/2006 1:45:02 PM   
petchloe


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline 		I'm having a problem that maybe some of you could give me some insight into.  I am in a non monoganous relationship with my lover and Mistress.  Lately I have been feeling stagnant when it come to play and BDSM.  I feel the need to grow, test my boundries, and I have an urge to engage in more intense and extreme play.  I have been looking for other play mates who can take me to the places I need to go, have discussed this with my Mistress, and have her permission and blessing.  She also has other play mates to satisfy needs she has that I cannot fulfill.  I can't help feeling guilty though.  Should I feel guilty?  Is their another way?  As I said...I'm conflicted.  Any insight or similar experiences shared would be greatly appretiated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 1:47:56 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petchloe
Should I feel guilty?  Is their another way?  As I said...I'm conflicted.  Any insight or similar experiences shared would be greatly appretiated.

Unless you can get your current partners involved in exploring new kinks together...this is the best solution.

I understand the guilt feeling, but don't let it control you.  They WANT you to do it, you know it's the right thing for you to do, so go have fun.

Easier said than done, I know, but think of it as providing a service to your mistress.  By exploring new things with others, you're releiving the time she would need to be with you AND can bring back tons of new ideas and experiences and making yourself a more rounded person- someone more valuable to own.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 1:51:17 PM   
abytchgoddess4u


Posts: 268
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petchloe
Should I feel guilty?  Is their another way?  As I said...I'm conflicted.  Any insight or similar experiences shared would be greatly appretiated.


No need to feel guilty, she's given her blessing. I've done the same in the past and meant it. If she is already poly, I'd take her at her word.

Keep the lines of communication open and have fun!

< Message edited by abytchgoddess4u -- 9/7/2006 1:52:36 PM >

_____________________________

"Everything in the Universe Is within you.
Ask all from yourself." Rumi

"The world will know and understand me someday. But if that day does not arrive, it does not greatly matter. I shall have opened the way for other women."
George Sand

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 2:00:38 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		For myself, I find that when I'm feeling guilty about something, it's because I'm expecting the person to whom the guilt is attached to behave and react in the same manner I would. In doing this I am making a mistake: I am ASSUMING that they will and do react the way I would. Make no assumptions! If you've talked it over with all three people involved (Mistress, lover and new person) and each has given you their blessing, try it.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 2:28:16 PM   
Silvermoon


Posts: 156
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline 		I have a bit of a different take on this, but I have different experiences as well. In the original post I didn't see any mention of the feelings towards the mistress (or the lover) So there's a question I present. Are you emotionally involved with your Mistress? I ask this question because quite frequently folks new to the lifestyle (and here I'm assuming she was your first partner as such) we tend to 'out-grow' our partners. Of course this is the case in many relationships.

So..that being said. If there ISN'T emotion and you are not feeling the BDSM aspect is being fulfilled why stay? It's a blunt question. Please don't say obligation. How many people will it take to fulfill the relationship? 1-2 BDSM partners, your lover.....when you outgrow them?

Rather than your Mistress encouraging you to seek other partners, I wonder why she is not addressing this issue Herself. I don't think it's a question of what YOU should do, but what SHE should do. It seems neither one of you are fulfilled - sometimes you have to deal with the root problem.

Merely my opinion,
Silver

_____________________________

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"In Manus Tuas Commendo Spiritum Moum"-Into Your Hands I Entrust My Spirit

"A man's word is his honor, his honor is his worth; Therefore a man who can not keep his word, is worthless"-Self Quote

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 3:32:32 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		If you have your mistress blessing there is no reason to feel guilty. Obviously she believes this best for and your needs. Good luck!

(in reply to Silvermoon)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 3:38:27 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petchloe

I'm having a problem that maybe some of you could give me some insight into.  I am in a non monogamous relationship with my lover and Mistress.  Lately I have been feeling stagnant when it come to play and BDSM.  I feel the need to grow, test my boundaries, and I have an urge to engage in more intense and extreme play.  I have been looking for other play mates who can take me to the places I need to go, have discussed this with my Mistress, and have her permission and blessing.  She also has other play mates to satisfy needs she has that I cannot fulfill.  I can't help feeling guilty though.  Should I feel guilty?  Is their another way?  As I said...I'm conflicted.  Any insight or similar experiences shared would be greatly appreciated.

Seems you have covered your  bases.

I  have reviewed your dilemma and it came up ZILTCH on the guilt meter.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 3:47:47 PM   
petchloe


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, I am very emotionally involved with my Mistress.  Although I think as of late she has become more my lover than my Mistress. I have been with her for a year and a half and I want to stay with her for the rest of my life.  She may not fulfill all my needs at the moment, but she gives me so much more than that.  I love her, and that's what makes this so hard for me. 

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Conflicted - 9/7/2006 6:05:45 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		Perhaps you were hopefull your Mistress would say no, ask what you feel you need and attempt to give it to you?

Perhaps you were attempting to top from the bottom and got called on the behaviour?

Perhaps poly is not for you and this is causing you to feel uncomfortable?

Perhaps you should be talking about this with your Mistress rather than strangers online?

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Conflicted - 9/8/2006 7:36:17 AM   
Silvermoon


Posts: 156
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline 		Owned, I couldn't agree more.

I can't help but think...
This is more to do with the Mistress, no longer acting as such..and the feelings stemming from that. I think that's the true issue in this post.

Sincerely,
Silver

_____________________________

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"In Manus Tuas Commendo Spiritum Moum"-Into Your Hands I Entrust My Spirit

"A man's word is his honor, his honor is his worth; Therefore a man who can not keep his word, is worthless"-Self Quote

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Conflicted - 9/8/2006 9:32:24 AM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		Thank you Silvermoon  

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to Silvermoon)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Conflicted - 9/8/2006 10:28:55 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hi petchloe,
For people who are not use to non-monogamous contact it is an adjustment of how you feel about the multi partnered thing. It was very unsettling for me too. I'm pretty sure I was clinging to my Christian vanilla prior choices. Once I got the church lady vanilla girl to stop screaming "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I got tothe point I had a lot of fun. I'd recommend you read the Ethical Slut. It helped me understand it's OK to feel funny about it as long as you don't let that interfere to the point you're not happy. I'll also say practice makes perfect. The more you expose yourself to playing with others without bad things happening the easier it will get for you.
Multi partners are not comfortable for everyone. Find out what works inside yourself and go from there. You may want to scene without sex instead of full contact initially and work toward full play dates as you grow more confident it's OK for you.
Suzanne

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Conflicted - 9/8/2006 10:35:54 AM   
LadyWhisper


Posts: 54
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

For myself, I find that when I'm feeling guilty about something, it's because I'm expecting the person to whom the guilt is attached to behave and react in the same manner I would. In doing this I am making a mistake: I am ASSUMING that they will and do react the way I would. Make no assumptions! If you've talked it over with all three people involved (Mistress, lover and new person) and each has given you their blessing, try it.

Master Fire



I totally agree Master Fire.

Lady Whisper

< Message edited by LadyWhisper -- 9/8/2006 10:36:46 AM >

_____________________________

With my hand, I correct you, with my correctness I adore you.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Conflicted - 9/8/2006 4:24:11 PM   
ayasha


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe you would not feel as guilty if you asked her to be present when you played with others.  Sometimes it is hard to let go and enjoy an experience, even with permission, when the Dominant is not present.  one can not let go and enjoy very many things when one's Dominant is not present, whether He is participating, watching, or just somewhere in the building/home.  smiles, when He is present - one can let go completely.  Good luck and one hopes that you find something that works for you! 

(in reply to petchloe)
Profile   Post #: 14
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