A question about taking initiative, advice? (Full Version)

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perverseangelic -> A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/6/2005 11:56:10 PM)

I describe my partner's and my relationship as low-key. That is, he doesn't enjoy daily, obvious dominance. He prefers my quiet service and obidience, without dramatic gestures. Well, except for the times when he wants drama. :)

(I'll admit, it's rather hard for me, sometimes, because I am one who loves the pagentry of service. Still, I find it wonderful for self-control and learning to take pleasure from the service itself.)

Anyway. Our schedule this quarter is such that I am home from class far before he is and pick him up in the evenings. I'd like to begin making dinner for him every night, before he gets home from school, however I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I don't want to go -too- far in my initiative such that it appears I'm disregarding him. At the same time, I'd like to do something nice for him which I think he'll appreciate.

What are your opinions on this kind of initiative? Good/bad/indifferent?

Please don't say "ask him." I'm going for unobtrusive service in this one. From asking him I know that's what he likes best. I wonder, though, if doing something like making dinner would make him feel either that I am mothering him, or pressuring him into eating when he doesn't want to.



MissP -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 1:44:21 AM)

You're doing this for you. You want to provide service where it has not been asked for and there's no indication that he wants it. I'm sure if he wanted his meals prepared, he would ask for exactly that.



ShadeDiva -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 1:58:20 AM)

Personally, I'd say make it.

It's a single dinner. It will open the door for feedback so ou can determine if that is something you wish to do a second time.

Sometimes, even dominants don't realize how much they will enjoy, appreciate, or be pleased by something until they encounter it.

This, however ,all does come down to personal style, of which you will know better than we will of what is likely to please him.

There is something to be said for being able to anticipate their needs and do something before they ask for it - some will love seeing their submissive be able to correctly anticipate their needs and desire and expectations before they had to make the effort to vocalize it and others would view that as a form of selfishness (as seen above) or as overstepping their bounds.

You will be the best judge of where your dominant will most likely fall on that spectrum - go with your gut.

I myself would be THRILLED if they took initiative, and did everyday things on their own accord because it pleased them to please me without me needing to spell it out day after day.

At least you are TRYING. Better than just being a lump, IMO - even if you might get it wrong a few times, and you can always learn from your mistakes, especially if your dominant views mistakes merely as opportunties to practice rather than as failures.

Mileage will vary.

Good luck! I think it is a lovely thought and gesture myself! *smile*

~ShadeDiva



Paulnz -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 3:10:56 AM)

Maybe you could ask him what he wants for Dinner ?



SirShadyOne -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 3:54:10 AM)

Try it for a few days and see what kind of response he gives you.

What's the worst that could happen? He'll correct your behavior if he deems it inappropriate or pushy perhaps, but he might be pleasantly surprised and possibly decide it is something that should be a regular service you provide him.



OrientalMistress -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 4:41:33 AM)

little one... take it from this old Domme that the best way is to "ask" -- though not as directly as you might imagine...for example, instea of just doing it...or saying something like, "I've fixed your favorite meal" ... the discussion might go something like:

"I've been wondering, as I must fix dinner for myself after school, would you like to join me?"

And should he in his gentlemnly way say something along the lines of don't go to any trouble, simply say, "it's no trouble really...I would enjoy serving you."

Hope this helps... the point of just doing it unobtrusively would indeed take the chance that you would make him feel obligated or even worse, as you note, see you as mothering or at least trying to trap him into what ends with a ring exchange. :)

May wisdom guide you...

Madam Tau




topcat -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 6:00:39 AM)

Midear Angel-

I think that submission should be proactive, and I think this could be a good gesture- providing he's not as territorial about the kitchen as I am<g>.

How are your cooking skills? Can you keep a rotaion of healthy, varied dishes coming on the table, day after day? If you need some help with menu planning, feel free to write me on the other side.

There is a small pitfall to watch for, however. You may see it as service, and he may see it as simply what anyone might do in a relationship. Don't be frustrated if this turns out to be the case.

Stay warm,
Lawrence



perverseangelic -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 9:28:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

Midear Angel-
How are your cooking skills? Can you keep a rotaion of healthy, varied dishes coming on the table, day after day? If you need some help with menu planning, feel free to write me on the other side.

There is a small pitfall to watch for, however. You may see it as service, and he may see it as simply what anyone might do in a relationship. Don't be frustrated if this turns out to be the case.

Stay warm,
Lawrence


Thank you. I'm a quite good cook, actually. Not amazing or anything, but he's expressed large amounts of pleasure in the past at the meals I can squeeze out of our budget. I can't gaurentee what I cook will always be healthful, but it'll be more healthful than what he'd eat otherwise.

And honestly, I'm not so much concerned whether or not he sees it as active service. Just whether or not he sees it as an affront. Does that make sense?





perverseangelic -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 9:28:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OrientalMistress

little one... take it from this old Domme that the best way is to "ask" -- though not as directly as you might imagine...for example, instea of just doing it...or saying something like, "I've fixed your favorite meal" ... the discussion might go something like:

"I've been wondering, as I must fix dinner for myself after school, would you like to join me?"

And should he in his gentlemnly way say something along the lines of don't go to any trouble, simply say, "it's no trouble really...I would enjoy serving you."

Hope this helps... the point of just doing it unobtrusively would indeed take the chance that you would make him feel obligated or even worse, as you note, see you as mothering or at least trying to trap him into what ends with a ring exchange. :)

May wisdom guide you...

Madam Tau


Hrm. I can do that! In fact I bet he'd not even notice. Huzzah and thank you.



perverseangelic -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 9:29:36 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirShadyOne

Try it for a few days and see what kind of response he gives you.

What's the worst that could happen? He'll correct your behavior if he deems it inappropriate or pushy perhaps, but he might be pleasantly surprised and possibly decide it is something that should be a regular service you provide him.


Also a good point. Still, I -really- dislike making him disapointed in my behavior. It's a really icky feeling. Thank you, though.



perverseangelic -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 9:31:57 AM)

Thank you for your response. I do -try- though I promise some of my tries have been fairly ineffective but heck.

While I hate to actually -ask- I think the best bet is for me to do so unobtrusivly and feel him out. Worst case, he doesn't like it, and I feel horrid and like I let him down for a while. Then I appologize, take what's commin' and we get on with it:)



perverseangelic -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 9:35:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MissP

You're doing this for you. You want to provide service where it has not been asked for and there's no indication that he wants it. I'm sure if he wanted his meals prepared, he would ask for exactly that.



Yes I want to provide service where none has been asked. Isn't that the point of someone who serves you--to get to know you well enough to anticipate your needs? We've been together over two years, I think that gives me some authority at anticipation. Some.

And I don't think he -would- ask. It's just not his style, nor how he opperates. He -might- hint, but even then I'm not sure.

Sure, I get pleasure from taking care of him in this way, but I think the best relationsihps are reciprocal ones. So in a sense I'm doing this for myself. However, I also know he generally doesnt' eat unless I cook for him and he's generally hungry when he comes home from school. Put 2 and 2 together.

The reason I asked is that both he and I are rather new to all this (in the scheme of life) and I was curious how other dominant people, who have been at this longer, would respond. By looking at their responses I can extrapolate what his might be, beyond what I know about him.

Still, thank you for your response.



INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 9:54:00 AM)

If my sub came to me in a respectful manner with a suggestion, I would accept it as that. I have always required that she communicate her desires, concerns, and questions. My screen name is INSIDEYOURMIND, but my mind reading talents are limited.

I have long held the belief that if someone comes to you with a problem, you have 2 choices, 1, you can tell them to work it out themselves, or 2, you can accept the responsibility, and now the problem is yours to solve.

The advice here is good. You have a good relationship, communicate these thoughts that you have expressed well here, a good Dom will know what to do with them.

A suggestion, you could even make up a fun menu for the day, and leave it for him to order from.



happypervert -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 10:14:07 AM)

My memory may be wrong, but I recall a while ago you mentioned some things you do like trying to get him into bed at a reasonable hour so he doesn't stay up all night and even insisting he eats properly instead of having a diet of twinkies and sodas. There you were concerned about being too pushy but he seemed to appreciate it.

So given that context, making dinner is low on the scale of initiative than those proactive examples, so I can't imagine how it could be a problem. Even without that context, it sounds like a nice thing to do and if it makes you happy by itself then go ahead even if he is indifferent to your effort.



nella -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 10:17:53 AM)

One more things i wish i was good at, i can cook two things, a wook dish a frind teatch me how to do, and Cresent cakes for Full Moon rites.



liljoy -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 10:22:05 AM)

What if she didn't ask but went ahead and did it? Where is the line between aticipating Ones desires and trying to top from the bottom or anything else undesirable to the Dom? It's not so much an issue for me as Master has always been pleased with my attempts to anticipate, others however seem to have problems with it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: INSIDEYOURMIND

If my sub came to me in a respectful manner with a suggestion, I would accept it as that. I have always required that she communicate her desires, concerns, and questions. My screen name is INSIDEYOURMIND, but my mind reading talents are limited.

I have long held the belief that if someone comes to you with a problem, you have 2 choices, 1, you can tell them to work it out themselves, or 2, you can accept the responsibility, and now the problem is yours to solve.

The advice here is good. You have a good relationship, communicate these thoughts that you have expressed well here, a good Dom will know what to do with them.

A suggestion, you could even make up a fun menu for the day, and leave it for him to order from.




perverseangelic -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 11:14:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

My memory may be wrong, but I recall a while ago you mentioned some things you do like trying to get him into bed at a reasonable hour so he doesn't stay up all night and even insisting he eats properly instead of having a diet of twinkies and sodas. There you were concerned about being too pushy but he seemed to appreciate it.

So given that context, making dinner is low on the scale of initiative than those proactive examples, so I can't imagine how it could be a problem. Even without that context, it sounds like a nice thing to do and if it makes you happy by itself then go ahead even if he is indifferent to your effort.


Those were things we had talked about in advance. That is, when we sat down and worked out how we wanted our power exchange to go, we talked about that stuff, because I had been doing it without thinking and when we decided to be more structured, I was worried about overstepping myself. (I'm a natural caretaker. It's just something I do)

I hadn't though to think about it in realtion to that, I guess because we talked spesfically about the things mentioned. I'm probably being overparanoid about me spesifically, simply because I wanted it to be a surprise "I care" type of action. I'm still interested in teh question though. When is taking inititiave to do something good and when is it bad?

I remember reading another thread a while ago about what a girl can do to show her partner how much she cares for him. Surprising the partner with something was one of the responses given. This question is an outgrowth of that.



ARoseAndAnEye -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 11:32:00 AM)

Personally, my specialties are pot pies 'n fish sticks.

((( sigh ))) I wish I had Angel's trouble.

Seriously.... what about making dinner for two and leaving it on the stove or counter. Let him decide whether or not he wishes to eat it. I either eat in solitude or on the floor next to Master, should he invite me to join him.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 4:59:16 PM)

I think you should do it once, see how he responds (verbally or non), if verbally he states how thoughtful it was, than you know it's something he'd enjoy... If he's taken aback/surprised by the initiative, than don't do it anymore unless he asks.
I personally think it's a sweet/service oriented gesture. M



realophelia -> RE: A question about taking initiative, advice? (1/7/2005 6:36:14 PM)

quote:

What are your opinions on this kind of initiative?


I think it's a nice idea. And I can't really imagine any guy taking exception to a good meal. I would actually probably ask permission first. But every relationship is different. If it feels right for you to do something like this, I think you should go ahead and enjoy it.

Best wishes :)
Ophelia



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