Talldrkgentleman
Posts: 33
Joined: 9/6/2006
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In another post someone wrote of my girl the following:
Her behaviors and needs are certainly not those of a stable mature solid adult.
What began as mere play in passion soon revealed a deeper yearning and troubled spirit over the months. Perhaps after many unfulfilled relationships and so many unions destroyed, her inner submissive finally needed to be heard. I was the one to finally listen. She discovered love with me; a love like she had never known, and I found the same learning her and enjoying all her wonders too numerous to list here. Yet as she had done so many times before in her previous liaisons, she tried to destroy us many times over. Her actions were not those of a “stable, mature, and solid adult”
They were the actions of a spoiled princess, a “brat” as it is called here.
Many times she would admit such things about her behavior. Though resolving to change (and dearly wishing to be different), she found and still finds such behavior overcomes her better senses. She feared being overly needy, clingy, dependent, co-dependant, submissive in nature, needing a constant guide, being a brat and a princess, and unable to maintain her life standing upon her own two feet. She flipped from desiring self-reliance to desiring leaning upon another. She fought and fought and fought for so many years the needs she felt she must not need!
She found herself and often still finds herself unstable, immature, and childish.
She yearns for stability in her soul, maturity in her behavior, and though always wishing to remain child-like, she so greatly wishes to be the adult. She is often “the mess” that posters on a previous thread labeled her, and in such a state often wishes to kick over the table rather than work things out one step at a time. She fantasizes of a love beyond love; a love only a child dreams. She dreams of perfection and everyday her life falls short of such perfection, she spirals to the terror that all is wrong in the world. She always wants more and it is never enough. She is often lost.
Now, she desires change and with change comes anxiety, uncertainty, danger, and fear. She is so brave, as brave as all those who wish to leap from their pasts to a new future. She has come so far in such a short time. No longer does she see the evil of her kink. No longer does she seek to explore such things outside of love. No longer does she wish to be the one who destroys relationships with the “normal” and seeks with me the special relationship of D/s.
I am new to this life and have made many mistakes with her. From this site and others I have begun to guide her in my ignorant way. It has been a long process lasting so far a year and hopefully a lifetime. I have tried to show her she is not alone and to contact others who feel the same. I have tried to show her that she can live with her two selves (the submissive and the woman) and that they can be one and the same without conflict. I have tried to show her such things can be explored in the light of love. I have tried to show her the teachings of others.
Together we have found her long wished passions and in doing so found passions I never knew existed. We have moved from mere play to new way of life for the two of us; a life of Mentor and pupil, of Daddy and child, of Master and slave, of friendship and understanding far beyond the realm of our previous world.
Now business has pulled us apart and we strive and brainstorm ideas to bring us back together. It is a difficult thing to become so close then be pulled apart. She relies on my caresses, love, understanding, and leadership; I now yearn to be the guide and lover she has always desired. She worries about being alone. I worry about leaving her alone. She becomes “the mess” once again. I make my usual “Un-Domlike” mistakes.
Yet we both try with our hearts, minds, and resources to overcome not only the distance, not only the problems facing our lives (there are many), but yearn to finally find the path that will make our lives together complete; to find the manner in which D/s applies to our unique selves.
I guess I wish to show her how others struggled with the newness of coming to grips with their submission (and dominance) and how their behavior and lives have changed. Hearing the familiar tales of others who may have had such troubles soothes her troubled soul and makes her feel not alone in this world and less alien than she has always believed. Hearing such tales relieves the worries that plague me that I am not nearly enough, and that my mistakes are not unique. Though it sometimes is wonderful to feel we are uniquely special, it is nice to feel you are not alone.
Perhaps there are others who wish to relate such tales so my life’s love and I will read and understand we are not so alone, and that these needs and desires are not only unique to us, but that through diligence and love, have hope that all can turn out glorious in the end.
Thank you
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