Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom"

Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (Full Version)

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TheMightyBitch -> Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 8:25:49 AM)
I meet a couple that live in my area. There are not many people in the lifestyle and we had a lot in common withoutside interests. I arrived while the submissive wife was still at work and had a long talk with the Dom husband. When she came home we talked some then went out to dinner. They had all the toys & floggers & were able to go on & on about proper use of each item, positioning, strike zones and all that type of stuff. All the dungeons & scenes they had been involved in as well as how big the community was were they came from. By the end of the evening all she could talk about was their finacial problems, what she gave up when he had an illness. She had to care for him & how her ex totally pampered her & took care of her when she was married to him. I was in shock how he just sat by passively while she chattered on & on. Isn't this more of the lifestyle than the props? Shouldn't his ability to control & mold her in every day life a bigger part of the lifestyle or do their dynamics have nothing to do with it?

SexyRed -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 8:43:18 AM)
I am not sure why you think that having 20 years in the lifestyle, precludes people from having personal issues and discussing them in social settings. Or, why you think that having a D/s dynamic would prevent someone from allowing their spouse free reign to talk. Perhaps this woman felt so comfortable knowing you were also in the lifestyle, that she felt it was ok to discuss extremely personal issues of a cerebral nature, instead of just whips and chains. Perhaps the Dom was a very caring person and did not wish to embarrass his wife by chastising her in front of you. Perhaps he was also comfortable with revealing personal information. Why are you even questioning the dynamics of their interpersonal relationship and his ability to control and mold her? It seems you are being very judgemental about a couple you have just met. The only thing wrong that I see in the above scenario is revealing too much personal information at the outset when it clearly seems that you only want to discuss lifestyle activities.

mstrjx -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 8:48:07 AM)
I apologize if I'm misunderstanding. What I think I'm reading is that you met with this couple. He's dom, she's sub. You saw the toys, you heard how and when they had been used. But in speaking about common ordinary things, she did all of the talking, while he sat and let her speak. Your are alarmed that, for them, their brand of D/s stops with the toys. You are confused at that. That's what I get out of the question, in a nutshell. Now my answer. If what they 'have' is more an SM top/bottom dynamic, then yes, whatever perceived attitude you think they should display probably does stop with the end of a 'scene'. -or- You are an outsider to their relationship. They are not really displaying their relationship in front of strangers, if that is how they choose. He's quiet, she's the chatty type. (This would have been my mother and father.) You didn't see any signs of their relationship. You were being entertained until you were gone, at which time they could go back to being who they are, within their relationship. Those are two alternatives. Neither should be of concern. edited because of Red's comments: Um, what she said, taking a higher road. I didn't want to be that snarky. Which you probably deserve. Jeff

PlayfulOne -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 8:59:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx He's quiet, she's the chatty type. Yep, that would sum up things around here. The question is why are you so worked up about "their" relationship? He runs his house different than you do. So what? Why do you feel the need to be so judgemental? K

TheMightyBitch -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:04:49 AM)
I'm just trying to gain insight on how people interact in the lifestyle. I am fairly new & I did not point this out in my OP and I should have. I have been totallydrawn to the M/s part of the lifestyle and am trying to see how others interact. I am trying to understand if it is more common that the lifestyle ends when the scene is over or if there is more of a carry over into everyday life. Please forgive me if I seemed judgemental of their bdsm lifestyle. Though I was HIGHLY uncomfortable sitting there listening to a stranger tell methese things and put her spouse down in front of me. I consider this badmanners.

angelic -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:14:32 AM)
i gathered from what You were saying that is wasn't exactly *that* she was chatty... it was more *what she was chatty* about.

LadyWhisper -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:21:54 AM)
Awe so you were expecting speech restrictions and eye restrictions and such. I can understand that, but like others have said everyone in BDSM runs thier household diffrently. We do not have a stereotype in this lifestyle, but I do understand what you mean, you are new and you are looking at all aspects of this lifestlye. The more you get to know them, perhaps you will understand much better why they are what they are, ect... Lady Whisper

TheMightyBitch -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:26:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelic i gathered from what You were saying that is wasn't exactly *that* she was chatty... it was more *what she was chatty* about. yes..........! maybe I expected the Dom to take control of this embarassing social situation. I know I would have. It was one of the first social settings with someone in the lifestyle and I really was expecting something different. and yes, I know expectations are foolish.

thetammyjo -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:30:18 AM)
Well, this is me using my terms as I do. I think the issue here may be threefold. First mundane reality is reality -- bills, illness, marriage, these all take a toll on anything we might do that is BDSM. She's his wife, of course she has complaints, wives do that as do husbands. I think its just part of the dynamic frankly. Second if she is his submissive, well, apparently that isn't a 24/7 thing, it may be a in-the-bedroom thing or a when-we-are-both-in-the-mood thing. Who can honestly be completely submissive all the time? Fox can't and I don't expect it of him, he's my slave afterall not my submissive. Third do they say they are 'in the lifestyle' and if so how do they use that term. It is only an expression and from what I've seen on CM and known in meatlife folks use all terms in a variety of ways. You could have someone who does a flogger once a month and they say "We're really into the lifestyle" and another couple who does spanking regular and has a clear, recognized authority dynamic and yet they'd say "We don't do that sick kinky stuff" -- I've heard both many times.

topcat -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:30:20 AM)
M. Mighty- I quite understand your discomfort with this sort of situation- Sadly, as some of the replies show, it is common behavoirs in 'the scene'. The sort of low-level disrespectful behavior is seen in alot of relationships. Being common, however, doesn't make it right, and the explaination that "He's quiet, she's the chatty type." doesn't excuse it. If they thrive in such an atmosphere, that's their pathologly- they are wrong to exposure you to it , nonconsentualy. Stay warm, Lawrence

angelic -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:31:05 AM)
What you don't know is that maybe when they got home she got punished for her complaining... (that's what it sounds to me like she was doing).. i can see why you would question the dynamics of the relationship, based on what You've said. i cannot (personally) image going to dinner with Master and a Domme (particularly One i've never met), and getting away with comparing Him to an ex. Also, it would not say much about me to complain to a virtual stranger resentment about my relationship. i am curious as to how long they had been together.

Level -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:32:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch I'm just trying to gain insight on how people interact in the lifestyle. I am fairly new & I did not point this out in my OP and I should have. I have been totallydrawn to the M/s part of the lifestyle and am trying to see how others interact. I am trying to understand if it is more common that the lifestyle ends when the scene is over or if there is more of a carry over into everyday life. Please forgive me if I seemed judgemental of their bdsm lifestyle. Though I was HIGHLY uncomfortable sitting there listening to a stranger tell methese things and put her spouse down in front of me. I consider this badmanners. If it's a genuine dominant/submissive relationship (as opposed to top/bottom), then the dominant gets to act in whatever way they desire, which can include his sitting back while she rattles on and on. [:D] Now, if he were to say "enough", and the rattling continued unabated, I'd have some doubts as to who wore the drawers in the relationship. Welcome to CM, by the way.

TNstepsout -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:39:51 AM)
I'm also new and even newer at meeting real life people in groups and such. So far I've seen a lot of different types of couples. Some interact in public like any other couple and you really can't tell the difference in ordinary politeness between people who care about each other and submissive service to her Dom. Others are very protocol driven with use of "Sir", "Master" and downcast eyes, using little rituals when they serve etc.. Some subs are obviously sub, and some are pretty bold and loud, sometimes with a quiet Dom who just doesn't talk much. There is no set rule, or even commonly held rules. Everyone just makes up the rules that suit them as they go along. So really, what you encountered was a situation that contradicted your own misperception of what a D/s couple would be like.

TheMightyBitch -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:40:30 AM)
Thanks for the insight. They have been together 5 years. .

NastyDaddy -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 9:54:39 AM)
I saw some shocking behavior from a newbie lesbian supposed femdom. She was drawn to certain aspects of a certain dynamic and assumed that all other M/s relationships functioned just the way she felt they should function. Her newness to the lifestyle and lack of experience gave her the credibility and credentials to cast judgement over other supposed dominants she met and criticize their interactions with their submissive, despite not having a submissive of her own. Further that she was bold enough to post a 'wannabe dom' thread pointing out what she felt were deficiencies in her observations of the dominant she was judging. The dominant apparently wasn't engaging in convo with the newbie lesbian femdom, and delegated her to talk with his female sub as opposed to intense M/s discussion with her at a public restaurant. The 20 year experienced dominant's behavior in a public setting was not that which the newbie lesbian femdom expected and felt was proper. He actually allowed his sub to speak openly about life issues and did not have control over her every movement and spoken word in a public setting, much to the dismay of the newbie lesbian femdom. The newbie lesbian femdom who had no submissive felt that simply because she decided to identify as a lesbian femdom herself, gave her credentials and made her capable of casting judgments over an experienced male dominant's public conduct with his female submissive. Once the newbie lesbian femdom posted her 'wannabe dom' thread and was questioned by other board readers, she then softened and redirected her criticism toward the submissive's topics of conversation in a public place, and her apparent bad manners. The judgementalism I saw was appalling, yet quite common for newbies who feel they quickly realize how the lifestyle works and exactly how those who engage in the lifestyle should behave or conduct themselves "appropriately". Yes indeed, you do see all kinds of very sad irony in some people with interest in bdsm.... so yes, I can relate to your every word.

MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 10:02:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch Please forgive me if I seemed judgemental of their bdsm lifestyle. Though I was HIGHLY uncomfortable sitting there listening to a stranger tell methese things and put her spouse down in front of me. I consider this badmanners. I have met several very talkative female subs who have very quiet Masters, so that part would not seem unusual to Me. It would also make Me uncomfortable to listen to a female sub, or anyone else for that matter, put their spouse down in front of Me by making unfavorable comparisons between the spouse and an ex, with the spouse sitting right there. Personally, I consider it disrespectul and rude, whether it was done by someone in the lifestyle, or someone vanilla. As a Dominant, I would have cut it off real quickly, but that's just Me. He had his reasons for not doing so. The only exception is with some couples in the lifestyle who both like humiliation play and have a prenegotiated agreement to engage in it in front of understanding parties. I have met a few Femdom couples where the husband enjoys being verbally humiliated in front of another Mistress, and the wife likes doing it, and I don't mind at all in cases like that. Lady Topaz

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 10:03:14 AM)
quote: I was in shock how he just sat by passively while she chattered on & on. Isn't this more of the lifestyle than the props? Shouldn't his ability to control & mold her in every day life a bigger part of the lifestyle or do their dynamics have nothing to do with it? I'm with the...what's the problem? Camp. Even if they are Ms 24/7, doesn't mean how they ACT will look much different than any vanilla couple. Granted, I would have thought it was a bit forward to spend so much time griping to my guest and have been a bit put off from that if my host had done so- but some people have different ideas of social closenes (and in bdsm far too many people think that just because you're also into the scene means you can toss away social propriety), and the art of hostessing is surely in the decline. But I don't see how any of this has to do with someone's lacking in submission or dominance?

angelic -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 10:03:27 AM)
What i took from the OP was her questioning of the manners. Btw, what is so wrong about being new?

NastyDaddy -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 10:08:35 AM)
And what is wrong with having 20 years of experience?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in the lifestyle Dom" (9/9/2006 10:10:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelic What i took from the OP was her questioning of the manners. Btw, what is so wrong about being new? Yes, the manners did seem to leave something to be desired. But that's the reality- people in bdsm and Ms are JUST like everyone else- some dorks, some assholes, some people you'll love and some you'llh ate.

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