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Mavis -> RE: Submissive but not servant. (9/11/2006 2:23:50 PM)
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Anyone familiar with the book "The Five Languages of Love" ? (Gary Chapman) i know this is long, but please bear with me, it related directly to Karbons issue, really!
The authors premise is we each learn to speak and respond to different "languages" or communication styles, so while a partner and i may be madly in love, we might miss the signals of our mates, and they might miss ours, because we're not communicating our love in a way the other Hears it.
Hubbys way of speaking love is "Acts of Service".
"What do you mean I don't love you? i JUST took out the garbage! Who filled the car with gas? I worked 50 hours this week so you could get your nails done..."
He also hears "Acts of Service" as proof:
"It's clear you don't love me anymore, you nevermake that special mannicotti for me. AND the bathroom is a mess."
"Words of Affirmation" is mine, and Masters
(i think this is why HusDom and Master have no conflict of jealousy. i can gush about Master being such and so, but HusDom can feel completely secure, because i wash HIS dirty laundry.)
Verbal compliments, especially in front of others is a biggee for stroking me. When Hubby or Master says something to friends like "See! That's what I love about her.." i am on a cloud for six days. Conversely, a public hint of me lacking in anything will rip my base out.
If one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” verbal stroking, validating, and encouragement are key. Some of the things we see in practice on the boards here.. When these tend to come from posters who display a pattern of talking this way to others, it's clear what their language is:
reinforcing a difficult decision;
calling attention to progress made on a current project;
acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic.
For some, it's Quality Time:
" i can just sit at his feet during the ball game" works for some, but for most who need quality time, that causes a huge conflict. He says "What?? We just spent 4 hours watching football!" and she's still saying "We never talk.."
Next is "Receiving Gifts" small tokens of affection that show the thought process of selecting them. It's not about the value of the gift, it's the mental energy put into giving them, ANd the "memento quality" small gifts or cards have.
Some adore Hallmark. Those cards and letters and wee notes pasted to the bathroom mirror speak volumes to some!
But look at how the languages cross. a tokens and gifts person leaves a lipstick note on the bathroom mirror. Her Acts of Service oriented mate might be irritated that now the mirror has to be cleaned to make things right again. BUt He might be thrilled if the mirror is cleaned before He sees it again, such an act of service! A words of affirmation mate might react "Sure, but that's not what you said at the party the other night..." to Him, if a compliment can't be shared with others, it's not considered genuine.
Finally is Physical Touch. sexual, non-sexual, casual, comforting, each is a dialect.
"It is important to remember than this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts."
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The reason i think this is germain to this discussion is.. it's pretty clear the Dominants that hear and talk in "acts of service" will surely discount the submissive or slave who doesn't present with that side facing first..
subs who speak "acts of service" to a Dominant that talks "words of affirmation" might be serving, but they're spinning wheels as far as making that Dom feel like the pinwheel of Their life. In the example of Karbon, it's likely he's speaking exactly what his Domme hears.. and good bet neither of them is talking "acts of service" as a primary communication style. so it works for them, while being completely unintelligable for some of us.
The best W/we can hope for is to keep remembering that what feeds one cannot even be digested properly by another, so let's keep the menu pretty wide open. And insert the universal translator module when needed.
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