Lies and Hurt (Full Version)

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amaidiamond -> Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:05:43 PM)

Just another post from another female sub that has been lied to, I had been with my man for 8 months, not the longest amount of time I know but enough for me to care, I did everything i could for him, tried my hardest to please him however I could and all was well, he told me he loved me, that I made him happy, that I was all that he wanted.
Last friday night he finished with me, I was never collared because i view that as akin to a wedding ring but I was still *his*, He said that I am his perfect woman and all he ever wanted, that our likes and dislikes match, being with me is fantastic and being in bed with me is fantastic but it just isn't working because he can't care enough, I asked him what he meant and the response was that he didn't love me, nor had he ever. I was very upset, asked him why he told me repeatedly that he loved me and he said it was because he wanted it to be true.
I can handle being ditched, I just find it really hard to take in that it was all lies, he insists that it was not all fake, that he did care for me but I find it hard to believe, my head is so lost at the moment, the people that know are of the oppinion he was not good enough for me, but i can't stop myself loving him.
I just wish I knew of a way that I could, it makes me wonder, why do people do this? Surely being honest is the only way to go?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:13:12 PM)

Fear



masterofurnight -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:16:07 PM)

amaiddimond,

I truely feel for you. I am sure all of us have had an experiance such a this. Feeling in love with someone and then finding out that they do not which to return your love. The feeling of being betrayed and also like you were played for a fool. All I can say is that you must not hold this against every person that you come in contact with from here on in. If you do then you have let this person have the ultimate control because they control who you love and how you love. I always refrain from saying I love you untill I know it is truely that love. You can be in lust you can have intamacy and still not have love. I hope you find what you want in the long run.

M



amaidiamond -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:20:47 PM)

I trust to easily, I always say i won't then I always do, you'd think that I would have learnt by now, still maybe next time I will have.
I hate the way I am when in pain, I cry, then I rant, then I'm bitter and truly nasty, then I cry again - it circles around till I'm dizzy with it all. it is in my best interests to forget the man, stop loving him, turn it off, I wish it was like a water supply where you flick a switch and it stops but it isn't that easy and finding out that it was all one sided, He never loved me he just told me he did feels like being punched in the stomach a half dozen times over, he said it's nothing i've done, that the problem lies with him, that he can't feel the way he thinks he should but i can't help but feel it's my fault.



Phoenixandnika -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:38:06 PM)

I just wish I knew of a way that I could, it makes me wonder, why do people do this?
 
There are alot of reasons people do this, but would knowing his reasons really lessen your pain?
 
Surely being honest is the only way to go?
 
The problem with honesty is it means being honest with yourself first and foremost and many people have trouble with that. Perhaps he truly beleived he loved you, perhaps his veiw of love is distorted, perhaps he doesn't know what love is. Perhaps he was in love with the idea of you and confused that with loving you.
 
In the end he was honest, I'm sorry that it took 8mths for him to be honest with himself and you. Allow yourself to grief for your loss, it is a loss, allow yourself to go through that process but also allow yourself to grow,heal, and learn from this.
 
I strongly beleive if we learn something from an event in our life it's not a mistake it is simply a life lesson.
 
I wish you the best.



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:50:00 PM)

I am sorry that you have been hurt.  Unfortunately too many say the words i love you just because they are the words they think the other wants to hear.  It takes courage to not use those 3 words when feeling under pressure and sometimes we do fool ourselves into believing them.  On the flip side sometimes those words elicit intense fear and one feels the need to run.  Can not second guess anyone and sometimes don't know about myself.  However i do believe that once the words are taken back then it is time to move on.  Grieve the loss of trust and keep yourself loving and trusting just a tad bit more cautious perhaps.  If you hold yourself completely back in the future you will miss out on soo very much which also includes hurt as well as joy.  Personally i would rather feel the gammit of emotions than to feel nothing at all. 

diamond



Contesaluv -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:50:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

I trust to easily, I always say i won't then I always do, you'd think that I would have learnt by now, still maybe next time I will have.
I hate the way I am when in pain, I cry, then I rant, then I'm bitter and truly nasty, then I cry again - it circles around till I'm dizzy with it all. it is in my best interests to forget the man, stop loving him, turn it off, I wish it was like a water supply where you flick a switch and it stops but it isn't that easy and finding out that it was all one sided, He never loved me he just told me he did feels like being punched in the stomach a half dozen times over, he said it's nothing i've done, that the problem lies with him, that he can't feel the way he thinks he should but i can't help but feel it's my fault.


You will feel what you're feeling until you've come to terms with it.  Hard thing to do when the emotions are all tangled up.  The only thing that can untangle emotions of this sort is time  along with talking and thinking, etc.  I do wish you a swift reovery from this blow.  I can tell you though that you will continue to be who you are at your core but, you will be wiser from it.  The lesson may just be that to find someone who really appreciates you as you are, it will take a little more time next time before you open up so freely.




amaidiamond -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 5:57:18 PM)

Thanks guys,
Well it isn't the first time I've been hurt and I'm sure it won't be the last, I'm going through stages of hating him then wishing he'd take me back at the moment so it's a bit like a yo-yo. he wants to be friends or friends with benefits but i'm not sure I could manage either of those currently with the way I feel.
The relationship was far from ideal and I had been told on numerous occasions by friends that it was not a good thing but it still hurts, the other thing that worrys me is that the friends of his that know are annoyed with him which isn't something i wanted to happen, i'm not the type to wish any hurt or uncomfertable situations on anyone.
It's logically much better to not be with him, cheaper etc, I was trecking several hours back and forth every weekend ny train and always broke due to train fairs, food whilst with him etc so logically being apart makes sense, now when I can get my heart to understand logic i'll be sorted!



juliaoceania -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 6:38:03 PM)

I would think long and hard about being friends with benefits to someone I loved but didn't love me. It is easy to get sucked into hoping he will take you back. It is a painful thing to go through, and it takes time, and you might be able to become friends one day... after you have moved on emotionally.

Good luck to you.



KatyLied -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 7:06:43 PM)

Some men are cowards.  You are better off without him.



Missokyst -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 7:15:37 PM)

I think people lie to themselves.  They lie because if they say it enough it might come true.  He may have lied for that reason or out of convienience, because it is easier when two people fit in the same box.
The other person may lie to themselves for the same reason.
Sometimes you just have to call it a draw and move on.
It isn't easy.  But no one said it has to be cake. I hope you get over this hurt soon.
Kyst



FlinchMagoo -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 7:23:22 PM)

You should check out the book, "He's just not that into you." You will find that what he has done is not a rare thing at all, alot of men do it, it has nothing to do with D/s or M/s or BDSM, it has to do with the fact that men would rather shoot themselves in the balls with a crossbow, than tell their woman that he really just isn't that into her.

I prefer the turn mean and make them break up with me routine, but its all pretty much the same.

And all you knights in shining armor who say you have never and would never do such a cowardly thing, go sell it to some other fool.



LadyWhisper -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 7:39:32 PM)

My heart melts for you I truly understand.
My thoughts and wishes are with you, I truly hope you find what you truly deserve and desire.

Lady Whisper



NastyDaddy -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 7:48:43 PM)

Get a grip and face reality... stay yourself and learn. No need to change your profile to desire being caged, treated as an object, no respect for your feelings, etc... that's simply a knee-jerk running away, and not even you. Don't lose track of you.

Did I hear someone mention nasty?  Don't lose all your good qualities over spilled milk, especially that one!  [8D]



onestandingstill -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 7:56:26 PM)

Unfortunately like me it's not frogs you kiss but vipers in your search for your mate. I know how venomous deception was to my spirit as well when I have been bitten. Be strong amaidiamond I too know how low you are feeling right now.
Cling to the fact you can only control you and your actions. Also remember not all men are like this guy. One day you will open your heart to the right man and it will be a thing of beauty to behold indeed.
The more you've been low the higher highs you can reach if you try to stay open to them.
You are loved, you are worthy of love, and you will always be special to someone in your life.  Don't let this mans lack of emotional availability take away your ability to be emotionally available later with your loved ones and friends.
He was clearly out of line to not express the truth in his feelings throughout the relationship.
This is not your fault. He's responsible for the deception, not you.
Like me, the only thing that was your fault is you fell for the wrong man just like I seem to have done my whole life so far.
This too shall pass & you'll be better off without someone that's not feeling the same as you.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Suzanne




velvetears -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 9:21:51 PM)

The feeling i get from what you stated in your post is that this man wanted to love you, saw the things you both had in common, enjoyed the service you provided him and more thenlikely felt internal pressure he put on himself to tell you he loved you. 

i would almost venture to say he might have even believed he did love you, but as time passed somting gave him enough insight to understand he really didn't.  i don't see this as really being about lies but more about you being with someone who didn't really know themselves very well. If he really only had in interest in using you and lieing to you he could have made excuses to put the blame on you, or done a variety of other things to justify his "falling out of  love" with you, but he didn't he stepped up to the plate and took responsibility for his mistake in thinking he loved you.

Theres no need in any relationship that goes sour to get to the point of not loving the person or even trying to get to the point of hating them. Why? What would it accomplish?  There is no shame in loving someone who doesn't return the feeling.  Yes it's painful, yes you have to move on, yes you have to distance yourself, but i think all this can be done without wringing your heart out and abolishing all feelings of love from it.  This is just my way of thinking about it, and i have been there, we all probbaly have. 

i feel for what you are going through and the anguish you must feel at this loss, but your're better off knowing sooner then later. 

Honesty isn't always so black and white, there are many shades of grey along the way. 



PrincessEmilyNYC -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 9:24:44 PM)

[;)]



Estring -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 10:26:49 PM)

You said he told you many times that he loved you. It is very easy for some to say that and not mean it. I think that before you fall in love with someone next time, make sure that their actions match what they are saying. It is very easy to fake the words, but it is much harder to fake the actions. You said the relationship wasn't so smooth. I'm betting that you ignored the red flags that probably cropped up alot.



ayasha -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 10:34:48 PM)

one has also been very hurt - was so angry, so hurt, felt betrayed.  Hated the lies so very much.  It now has been 10 months since one was granted release - and one is just starting to be able to think about Him and the relationship without feeling so angry or defensive.  What helped this one is when this one forgave herself - did not forgive Him and do not know if one ever will - but did forgive one's self and that is when one was able to start putting it in the past, where it belongs.  one knows this is a cliche - but it is true, time heals. 



loverly -> RE: Lies and Hurt (9/10/2006 11:00:06 PM)

[&o] it truely is a shame when we preach Truth and Honor and still some fffel as if they cannot be honest with even themselves.... sadly people get hurt.... it is not easy to be totally honest with another.. and then too... sometimes.. all this aside....sometimes we just either grow apart or realize what is what and then its too late to advoide the hurting of people we care about.... sometimes.. people have no clue what it is they are feeling.. anad confuse deep caring for someone with love. and then... at times it is all just TOO much work !
move on and learn as everyone says.. put the hurt away and now you ahve forgiven yourself that is easier to do i am sure!  just try hard not to put yourself into the same position... at least you do not run from one to the next.. its good to take things slow and heal and seek Honor and Truth and Respect rather than just want and need love too much it blinds you!

take care!



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