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LotusSong -> Dear Husband (9/11/2006 9:59:27 AM)
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Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Signed: Your Ex-Wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out
your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not
to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had
on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that
it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still
loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I
had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed:
Rich as Hell and Free
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
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