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New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 10:25:33 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I need assistance subs/slaves, I am looking for advice on how to help my sub and so I will give you some background to start off with. My sub is 35 years old and male. He is also new to being a sub. He had been a Master prior (he had a slave for 5 years)but realised that was a big mistake that it just wasn't who he really was. We have been together for 2.5 years and he has been my sub for a  year. We don't live together yet but will be next year.
 
In the year he has been my sub I have taken it very slowly with him. First of all trying to change some old bad habits, the worst of which is his inability to handle money. That was a big struggle as he was never the type to allow anyone to tell him what do with his money. Right now I have him saving money and that means my having to tell him NO to some purchases he wishes to make. At first he would get  a bit angry about it, but I was adamant and now he see's he actually has money in his savings account so he is grateful that I am having him do this. But sometimes he still gets his hackles up about it to which I put my foot down. He complies with my wishes and knows its for the best, he has said so. I am wondering after time will he get used to learning to live on a budget? I mean this is a person who used to toss money around until its all gone, he has horrible credit and a bankruptcy, so Im having to totally retrain him when it comes to finances.

Second question. I have my sub on a calendar, I tell him what to wear on what date, when he can and cannot eat out, he wears his collar all the time and wears restraints to bed at night. I control when he cums and sometimes have him in chastity. I have him working on certain issues to make our sex/play better for us both as well. He discovered an interest in crossdressing and I have allowed him to endulge in that as I don't have a problem with it, in fact its fun.Since I have had him doing this I've noticed he has become alot more submissive, he has also become very clingy. Its even worse after we've had a few days together and played alot during that time.What I mean by clingy is he constantly wants to serve me and when we are together thats fine, but when we are apart he becomes depressed, he says all he can think about is me. Is there a good way to help ease these feelings? or are they just part of the *new* sub process?

Third question. Every Friday I have him sit down and write all his feelings, questions, desires in an email to me. I want to know what is going on inside of his head. I told him nothing is taboo write about anything, though sometimes I do have him do a paragraph or two on a specific subject. The problem is in his writing he says: i feel like im rambling and wasting your time. i will do anything you want me to do as i love you and want to serve you in all ways, but sometimes i feel stupid and like im not doing it right.  I have reassured him many times, I've given him verbal and written praise. In fact last week he gave me and excellent maniure/pedicure and I treated him to dinner telling him what a wonderful job he had done. Because I truly do appreciate what he does for me. Is there anyway to let him know that he is doing it correctly and that he isnt rambling but revealing his thoughts and feelings to me as I wish him too?

Sorry this is so long, but any suggestions?

Thanks,
~Lashra and slutjack

< Message edited by Lashra -- 9/12/2006 10:28:46 AM >

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”





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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 10:48:02 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Lashra, I hope I can help.

I think learning to live on a budget over time becomes somewhat easier.  But also, his budgeting is not only for himself, it is also part of his service to you.  If he keeps that in mind, which he seems to do well with everything else, I don't see there being much problem.

Becoming zealous in his service and thoughts about you.  I would think that your solution is actually part of question 3.  If he keeps a daily journal, rather than a weekly journal, then he is better able to express his feelings more consistently, as he needs them.

The journaling issue, I have found, is best when he is not writing to YOU.  It is when he is writing, or writing to himself, such as a diary.  It's a good time to express, to put emotions on paper.  I figure that it is assumed by each of you that you will read it, either periodically or with each entry, so he knows you will read it.  But I would not make it a love letter with 'you' all over the place.  I would make it all about 'I' with references to you in third person.  This might seem a little contrived, but if you think of the journal as you would a diary, it makes perfect sense.

Hope this helps,
Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 10:55:32 AM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I can't give you an educated answer about budgeting issues, but my Daddy assigns me extensive journaling projects. Sometimes if I don't have a specific subject in mind, I can get lost in these nebulous submissive feelings. It's almost a sort of free association. While this is appropriate in some instances, in others it comes across as cloying and needy. Basically, it's as if the strongest feelings bubble up to the surface and manifest themselves in a journal entry because I am not focused on a specified subject. To curtail this habit, Daddy has given me more specific assignments and a private journal for the free association type of writing. It has served as a solution for us. I hope that helps some! 

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 11:21:34 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I am wondering after time will he get used to learning to live on a budget? I mean this is a person who used to toss money around until its all gone, he has horrible credit and a bankruptcy, so Im having to totally retrain him when it comes to finances.

If he's mature enough to realize this is necessary, learn new skills and wants it for himself, then absolutely.  One trick is to make an automatic payment every month into his savings account, so he never even SEES the money in his normal checking and won't be tempted.

Go back and read the thread on "can people change."

quote:

 he says all he can think about is me. Is there a good way to help ease these feelings? or are they just part of the *new* sub process?

The downside of micromanaging I'm afraid.  You need to make sure he has a busy active life other than just serving you.  He should have projects that go to the long term that he can work on when you aren't around, work obviously, exercise, volunteer and other options. 

It might also be some subdrop- for which you should make sure he is eating and drinking properly and learns to do things to enjoy himself (NOT spend money).  Be VERY careful that he isn't just transferring his spending fix for his submissive fix.  He needs to find a true sense of security within his whole life.

quote:

Is there anyway to let him know that he is doing it correctly and that he isnt rambling but revealing his thoughts and feelings to me as I wish him too?

Read the "not good enough" thread and follow my suggestions there. :)

quote:


Sorry this is so long, but any suggestions?

Take it easy.  Not many dominants would be taking the time and energy to do such an overhaul project, specially with a male sub.  As long as you are both actively working TOGETHER, then you've got a good shot.  Make sure you frame things not as "Be passive and wait for me" but more "We're doing this together so we can both be happy." 

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 9/12/2006 11:22:33 AM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 12:37:06 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		The problem is in his writing he says: i feel like im rambling and wasting your time. i will do anything you want me to do as i love you and want to serve you in all ways, but sometimes i feel stupid and like im not doing it right.  I have reassured him many times, I've given him verbal and written praise. In fact last week he gave me and excellent maniure/pedicure and I treated him to dinner telling him what a wonderful job he had done. Because I truly do appreciate what he does for me. Is there anyway to let him know that he is doing it correctly and that he isnt rambling but revealing his thoughts and feelings to me as I wish him too?



Yes, tell him as you have told us, you have spoken on the subject and said your peace, and nothing more needs to be said about it.  Remove it from his mind, you have made your wishes clear, and he is doing well, and until it changes, it is up to you and you only to concern yourself with these matters, he is trying to improve, not see how he is doing right this instant.  

Just like driving a car, right?  You need to look further ahead than the end of the hood to learn to drive, small corrections at the end of the hood will cause fatalities, small corrections when the eyes are properly fixed on the goal,  some FUTURE  point of your existing is how you become a better driver.  You run the dildo, he drives the get-a-way car.........that is how Dom and sub are ordered, don't take my word  for it L, read my profile.


LOLOLOL,
Ron (now some of you know the rest of the story (and have no better insight into my mind))

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 12:37:22 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Lashra:

I think you're doing wonderful things with the money and calendar control issues. Personally, I'd do pretty much anything to be in a similar situation. But that's not why I'm writing this.

The last point you discuss is the journaling. As a writer, I discovered this was kind of a dangerous area. When you institute as much control as you are doing, the journal can sometimes be a process to second guess everything. It happened to me. I was in pretty much the same situation with a woman who was wonderful beyond belief, but the more I wrote, the more I kind of wrote myself into believing the relationship was going the wrong direction, things weren't right, and it got to the point of where there was more second guessing than first guessing. The point is: If at one point she would have just told me that if there is anything wrong, I'll be the first to know and to stop obsessing about it, it might have stopped a problem that just tended to fester.

What I know now has taught me the lessons of that circumstance, but I'm seeing myself back then EXACTLY where your submissive is right now.

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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 12:50:46 PM   
ayasha


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline 		It does get easier living with a budget - it just takes time to break that habit of 'immediate gratification' when we want something.  This is a bad habit developed over a long period of time - and changing this doesn't happen overnight - but from experience one can tell you that the change does indeed happen. 

It is extremely difficult to spend days together then be apart.  You are his first Dominant - this feeling of submission and dependency is so very foreign to him.  Maybe you can encourage him to do activities after your time together ends - watch a movie, have dinner with a friend, spend time with family, etc. 

Someone else mentioned having him keep a daily journal, one that is not written to You, but knowing that You can and will read it.  If he does this daily (or several days per week) it will become more natural for him.  What about having him type a journal on one of the live journal or blog sites?  That way You have access whenever You would like to read it.  one would just make sure that it is a safe place for him to journal, where he can say whatever he wants - without fear of repurcussion.  If it is an assignment for you, maybe he could type it in blue to set it apart from his journaling? 

one wishes both of you the best - it sounds as if you are off to a wonderful start. 

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 12:58:43 PM   
MistressTheaZ


Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

Lashra:

I think you're doing wonderful things with the money and calendar control issues. Personally, I'd do pretty much anything to be in a similar situation. But that's not why I'm writing this.

The last point you discuss is the journaling. As a writer, I discovered this was kind of a dangerous area. When you institute as much control as you are doing, the journal can sometimes be a process to second guess everything. It happened to me. I was in pretty much the same situation with a woman who was wonderful beyond belief, but the more I wrote, the more I kind of wrote myself into believing the relationship was going the wrong direction, things weren't right, and it got to the point of where there was more second guessing than first guessing. The point is: If at one point she would have just told me that if there is anything wrong, I'll be the first to know and to stop obsessing about it, it might have stopped a problem that just tended to fester.

What I know now has taught me the lessons of that circumstance, but I'm seeing myself back then EXACTLY where your submissive is right now.



With that sentiment in mind, (which I completely understand where you're coming from, there), I wonder if there isn't a way to direct thoughts within the shared journal toward something more positive? Self-assuring validation with plenty of feedback afterward within discussion?

I make a signficant portion of My income from writing nowadays, and in the past, I always loved My subs to keep journals We shared. When they'd complete their entries, I always enjoyed reading them at length and discussing afterward. Most also kept a private journal, which they chose to share or not share.

I'd ask them specific questions on a Monday to begin the entry for that week, such as: name five things this week that made you smile; name one time that you felt disappointed and tell Me why. I personally disliked giving specific assignments - too limiting unless there was something specific I wanted to address - but guiding questions with plenty of room for thought and expression somehow brought things back to center.

With a few, it was useful to use the journal to incorporate short term goals, like when I was helping them manage saving for something (I would update their new total every month with a proud note of congrats for their efforts and announcement of a reward), setting dates ahead for new things they wanted to try, do or learn about on their calendar, (D/s or non-D/s),  so on. It quickly became a give-and-take that the subs looked forward to sharing, but I found participation and finding just the right balance was the most crucial.

~Thea

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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/12/2006 1:45:01 PM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		Lashra, You seem like a wonderfully caring and attentive Domme.  That's so nice to see.

This is to address part 2 of Your questions.. His focus on You during a time of drop.. it's pretty normal. but balance has to be restored eventually.. You say he can't seem to think of anything but You.. how about channeling that into thinking of other things FOR You.. to kind of wean him into balancing things, which will help B/both in the end.

i'm thinking of something like.. insisting his weekly note details something outside of Y/you and him..  so at some point during his week, he HAS to pay attention to other aspects of life, if only because he owes You a report on something.  No relating it to "i thought You might enjoy this because.." or "i was thinking how You would handle this.."  make it wholly and completely UN about You in any way.  That will probably be really hard for him.  It might even be too hard to do it during a time of drop, but slow conditioning using it during the regular weekly mail might help.

i can only speak for myself, but i have a love/ hate relationship with transparency.  While i want to surrender wholly, or be transparant, i sometimes feel silly and weak when i do. i've always wondered if that was even worse for a male who has been conditoned even moreso by society. If You feel that is part of his struggle, You probably know how to shore up his feelings of strength within surrender.

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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/13/2006 3:18:36 PM   
maledave777


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		Miss Lashra,
I have my payroll checks directly deposited into my bank account. This has helped me to save money. It has helped me to budget my money too. I have a debit card and keep all of the receipts. I can see where I am spending my money. I used to use cash all the time and wonder where my money went.
I do not have a Mistress and am still searching to find one. I feel that I might be a little depressed too being away from her. I feel that I would think about her all the time too. I think if you tell him that you care about him, wanted him and think about him too.  Does he think about other people in his life?  Does he think about or talk about his work place?  I have read what some other people have wrote and I think if he had a hobby to work on in his spare time that this would also help. I think this would help him when you two are apart.
I have difficulty in spelling words and grammar. Some times, I have a hard time trying to put my feelings into words. I desire to continue to press forward with my writings. I used a word processor on my computer to help with my writings. I used spell and grammar check on it. I can move around whole sentences in the file. It has helped me to see different ideas that I have wrote about. I can group the sentences together for each idea. This has helped me to put my feeling into words. I have a better understanding how to put my thoughts into words.
I hope that I have help in someway. I do not think your post is too long.

< Message edited by maledave777 -- 9/13/2006 3:20:17 PM >

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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/13/2006 3:48:09 PM   
submaleslaveuk


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/21/2006
From: Manchester UK
Status: offline 		To be honest Lashra i think you are doing absolutely everything correctly and dont know what else you could do differently. i know i find it difficult to write about myself so if i was assigned the journal task i would find it difficult too, solely because i am so aware i do not want to top from the bottom  and felt if i told her exactly how i felt and what i wanted then my Mistress would do that to please me and forget about what SHE wants!

To be honest if / when i find my Domme i really hope they treat me like You have treated your sub!

i wish You the best of luck in Your training and think everything is going in the right direction for You both to have happy and fulfilling relationships!

Hugs

submaleslaveuk
darren

(in reply to maledave777)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/13/2006 3:59:46 PM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		I'm going against the grain with this response but here goes.  Anyone can tell you that they will write exactly how they feel about what is going on with them.  The fact is that human nature seldom allows someone to put in writing their innermost thoughts when they know someone else is going to read them.  This is especially true when that someone else matters a lot to them.  They modify what they want to say for desireability to the reader.  In that case this is you. 

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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/13/2006 5:29:29 PM   
jonathan


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline 		Ms. Lashra, i appreciate the posts You have made about You and slutjack and have responded to some. my Goddess and i are in much the same space that the two of You are and some of the issues are the same, too. Sometimes like looking in a mirror. We both responded to the one about his collaring. i visited Her shortly after that one was posted. A moment that was on our minds.

Keep up the pressure about finances. Maybe You need to take the full TPE line as my Goddess does. When i move to Her next month, i will surrender complete financial control to Her, with full confidence in Her ability to make all of those decisions. Honestly, that's fine with me. It also seems to be the one point of control that male subs have the most trouble with, from what i hear. Don't give a micron on that one.

he's definitely feeling 'sub drop' from what You say. he'll grow out of that eventually, i should think. You mention that he had been dominant in the past and found it not to be his nature. Are You his first? That, coupled with the discovery of the cross-dressing need may have him spinning for some time. he may be going places he'd never even fantasied about before. Patience on Your part is needed to help him through the discovery phase and into integrating it into his daily life. If i may, i would suggest making the chastity element a regimen. If i recall correctly, jack is in a CB product. With those numbered plastic locks and a PC cam, long distance enforcement and validation is relatively easy. It would also be a reminder of You while apart. But the best way to ease his feelings is communication. Doing things like the ones i do for my Goddess each day right after coming home from work. i sit down and write my daily boy report e-mail, telling Her about my day, responding to any messages She may have sent me, discussing our plans for my relocation, etc. She replies, or not, as needed. Better than a phone call, because to write well you must be focused. But let him know that every day You expect that e-mail diary at a fixed time. In my case, i am also at a minimum required to look at the boards here and respond to any that i feel i can contribute to. It's a thought.

On journaling. IMHO, the best way to help someone dig into themselves and make all this work. i am not new to it, so the fact that i've been keeping an online journal since i was accepted by my Goddess is second nature. When i finish this post, that will be my last task for the night, to make an entry at my LiveJournal account. It can be completely private if it's configured correctly. That post is different from my daily boy report, i make it just before bed and relax and open up and ramble. my best thoughts wind up there. jack's feelings about being apart are not far from mine. he needs a daily space to express them. Keeps me centered. Have him create an account and give You the password so that You can comment and tag those where he has been most open as a memory. And change the weekly journal from an e-mail to a written one. Buy a blank book at the stationer's and send it to him, telling him to make an entry each week at the same that he will read to You over the phone.

Your last paragraph resonated with me. i know that i am appreciated that much, because She tells me so. "Is there anyway to let him know that he is doing it correctly and that he isn't rambling but revealing his thoughts and feelings to me as I wish him too?" Yes, many ways. i hope the ones i've mentioned help.

Sorry too about the length, but i'm speaking from jack's very real perspective.

Good luck to the four of us. Fortune passes everywhere.


_____________________________

jonathan
http://www.slaveregister.com/000-515-587

"But in purple, i am stunning!"
"Before You slip into unconsciousness, i'd like to have another kiss, another flashing chance at bliss, another kiss, another kiss"

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/13/2006 5:35:26 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much for your advice and well wishes. I thought the online journal a great idea so I set it up last nite and went over it with him today. he truly wants to work on his communication skills and was happy to have another way to do that. I instruct him to write about anything and everything that comes into his mind. But I made sure to stress I wanted to hear more about his day, how things went at work, how his parents are etc.

I do encourage him to have other interests, but he has always been very focused on me and making sure that he is attentive to my needs. I've tried to get him into weight lifting which his brother does but that didn't last very long. So I decided he needed something to do and if he wants to live with me one day its time to learn to do housework. he lives at home with his parents right now and I have him clean his Mom's house every other weekend. She greatly appreciates this as she is in bad health (just diagnosed with terminal cancer) and none of her other children seem to even think to come by and help her out.

After thinking about it, it came to me this morning that he usually has these feelings right after we've been together and I do truly think it could be subdrop. Saturday I had him wayyy out in subspace like he has never experienced before. So I am thinking that is why he's been on this emotional roller coaster the last few days. I am going to have to observe him closely next time we play to see how he reacts afterwards.

thanks!

~Lashra



_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to submaleslaveuk)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/13/2006 7:03:39 PM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Ma'am...i think this might be an activity that could help fill his time when you are apart, it's called an active, characteristic meditation. it's something i just learned to do while practicing yoga but any sort of exercise would work.  the added benefit is that the exersice should help lift his sub drop. 

before starting the exercise you pick a charateristic that he (or You) would like to improve in himself.  if you give him a list of them even better. 

at the beginning of the exercise he slowly repeats the trait (silently) while deep breathing.  as the intensity of the work out increases he composes an essay describing the characteristic in an intellectual way.  as the intensity peaks he thinks of how he will feel when exhibiting the characteristic.  on the downward slope of intensity he thinks of a person (historical, fictional, a friend) who You feel exhibits the trait in ways You would like to him to emulate (this woudl need to be discussed when You give the list of traits).  and during cool down he again repeats the characteristic as he slows his breathing. 

at a later time he might even write down what he remembers of his thoughts in his journal.  following this pattern has greatly helped me to increase my strength and endurance because it distracts my mind from the exercise so i perform longer and harder.  it has also helped my Master and i to explore areas of my behavior He would like me to improve.  lastly it keeps me occupied in a task that i can do alone but makes me feel close to Him at the same time.  i hope this helps... 

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/14/2006 1:41:53 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		One thing that is very helpful is WRITTEN feedback on what you have written. It's great to discuss the thoughts that you've put down in words verbally but having something you can read back , from your owner, can help reassure at wobbly times.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/14/2006 2:42:17 AM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I need assistance subs/slaves, I am looking for advice on how to help my sub and so I will give you some background to start off with. My sub is 35 years old and male. He is also new to being a sub. He had been a Master prior (he had a slave for 5 years)but realised that was a big mistake that it just wasn't who he really was. We have been together for 2.5 years and he has been my sub for a  year. We don't live together yet but will be next year.

In the year he has been my sub I have taken it very slowly with him. First of all trying to change some old bad habits, the worst of which is his inability to handle money. That was a big struggle as he was never the type to allow anyone to tell him what do with his money. Right now I have him saving money and that means my having to tell him NO to some purchases he wishes to make. At first he would get  a bit angry about it, but I was adamant and now he see's he actually has money in his savings account so he is grateful that I am having him do this. But sometimes he still gets his hackles up about it to which I put my foot down. He complies with my wishes and knows its for the best, he has said so. I am wondering after time will he get used to learning to live on a budget? I mean this is a person who used to toss money around until its all gone, he has horrible credit and a bankruptcy, so Im having to totally retrain him when it comes to finances.
You are retraining him, not restraining him. When the time comes to test your training, give him small allowance to manage himself, see if he's learnt anything at all? If he copes with that, hand more responsibility back to him re finances, etc etc. Budgetting within your means without a Domme's overseeing, is a choice he has to make.

Second question. I have my sub on a calendar, I tell him what to wear on what date, when he can and cannot eat out, he wears his collar all the time and wears restraints to bed at night. I control when he cums and sometimes have him in chastity. I have him working on certain issues to make our sex/play better for us both as well. He discovered an interest in crossdressing and I have allowed him to endulge in that as I don't have a problem with it, in fact its fun.Since I have had him doing this I've noticed he has become alot more submissive, he has also become very clingy. Its even worse after we've had a few days together and played alot during that time.What I mean by clingy is he constantly wants to serve me and when we are together thats fine, but when we are apart he becomes depressed, he says all he can think about is me. Is there a good way to help ease these feelings? or are they just part of the *new* sub process?
After play, i feel like i need to 'repay' my Dom, perhaps he too feels this way. If cross dressing pushes his subbie buttons, then maybe consider easing off this type of play toward the end of your meeting up. To bring him back up a little after such a drop.


Third question. Every Friday I have him sit down and write all his feelings, questions, desires in an email to me. I want to know what is going on inside of his head. I told him nothing is taboo write about anything, though sometimes I do have him do a paragraph or two on a specific subject. The problem is in his writing he says: i feel like im rambling and wasting your time. i will do anything you want me to do as i love you and want to serve you in all ways, but sometimes i feel stupid and like im not doing it right.  I have reassured him many times, I've given him verbal and written praise. In fact last week he gave me and excellent maniure/pedicure and I treated him to dinner telling him what a wonderful job he had done. Because I truly do appreciate what he does for me. Is there anyway to let him know that he is doing it correctly and that he isnt rambling but revealing his thoughts and feelings to me as I wish him too?
Write a equally verbose response to his email. Communication cuts both ways.

Sorry this is so long, but any suggestions?

Thanks,
~Lashra and slutjack

Its all sounds very new, exciting, and sub frenzied to me, mmmmh, lovely. enjoy
littleone

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/14/2006 7:20:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I do encourage him to have other interests, but he has always been very focused on me and making sure that he is attentive to my needs. I've tried to get him into weight lifting which his brother does but that didn't last very long.

I have problems with those "buts."  He's resisting your clear instructions and becoming hyperfocused- stunting his discipline towards you as well as your own long term goal for him to become a well rounded person, not a lap dog. 

Learning skills on cleaning house is great, but it's not developing his own personal interests and focus- which you agree is something he needs to have and is something you've been trying to accomplish.

WHy the buts?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New sub needs advice about feelings - 9/15/2006 11:08:28 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Sounds to me like Lashra has quite a challenge. I can't picture this guy as a dominant --- still living at home, unable to manage his money, and BK filing to boot.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
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