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Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 7:32:41 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		I am a sadist.  Because of this, I normally play with big, muscular, masochistic men who don't mind when I turn that side of me loose on their bodies and mark them up.  However...
 
Last weekend, I topped a woman for the first time.  This woman was a VERY close friend (if I were bi, we'd probably be lovers)... someone with whom I share a rather intimate relationship.  We'd talked about it for weeks, and both of us were really looking forward to it.
 
Knowing her history, I knew that marks would be ok, so I strapped her to a chair and spent the next 40 minutes or so whipping her breasts and inner thighs with a serpent's tongue.  Although she swore at me a number of times (she later said that since she didn't do it in Italian, it wasn't so bad), she did not safeword or ask me to change what I was doing.  So... as the scene progressed, I found myself enjoying it, and enjoying watching a number bruises come up on her breasts.  None showed on her thighs, though, which I thought was odd, since I thought I was hitting there MUCH harder than up top.
 
When we were finished, we discovered that one of the bruises had a slight "knot," so I took her upstairs and we put ice on it, which eliminated the "knot" in just a few minutes.  However, this is where it all fell apart for me.  I started feeling guilty for "hurting" my friend, and it just got worse from there.
 
I learned later that evening that her style and mine are entirely different, and that what I had done to her was how I like things to be done to me - a hard hit followed by a "breather" to allow the pain to process; while she, on the other hand, preferred a constant, steady, repetitive building of pain upon pain.  Upon learning this, I felt even worse because, not only did I hurt her, but she didn't really even like it.  This was completely alien to me, because I don't usually care if the bottoms I play with like what I do or not.  They know how I play, and they seek me out specifically because they know I'm going to "use" them for my own psycho-ego gratification.
 
Two days later, I was in tears.  The guilt I have continued to feel over this is so incredibly painful I can hardly stand it, and I've been fearful that our friendship will suffer because of it.  My friend says I'm being silly, but I can't help myself.  In fact, I've come to the decision that I don't think I'll ever top another female.  I just don't want to hurt girls.
 
Am I making too much of this?  Master says I did nothing wrong, but it all feels so very wrong to me.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 7:37:34 AM   
Rumtiger


Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline 		My first instict of advice is to say try it again with her if she wants and try to perform a perfect scene with her, knowing that you got it right would help clear your guilt up fine.

Then again, i'm not a dominant, and definitly not a mistress, and my method of thinking is propably unique, so take it with a grain of salt.

_____________________________

Fuck the Pandas!
-Moi

Mmm, I love me some kickboxers, you know why? Cause ya'll cant take a punch!
- Quentin Tarantino.

If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
-Tucker Max

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 7:53:15 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		This is not a statement of judgement, so please don't read it this way.

It sounds as if the men you play with you have no emotional attachment with; you simply use them for your sadistic urges, then they go away.  No muss no fuss.

You hear this from time to time in relationships (possibly more often than not) where the top quits topping the bottom because they have fallen in love, rather generated a strong emotional attachment with their partner.  They find they can't 'hurt' their lover.

Which I personally find sad, but that's something else.  (Why screw up a good thing?)

So, is your headspace about the men different than your headspace with your close female friend?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 8:04:00 AM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline 		I can relate to much of this.  I have learned that don't want to hurt girls, either.
 
I have no qualms at all when it is a masculine, muscular, submissive male (actually any submissive male, for that matter).  There is something about them that really gets My sadistic juices flowing and I totally love the feeling and the flow of energy.
 
Several years ago, I decided to explore a relationship with a submissive female.  I honestly could not even go as as far you did.  I had no problem at all with bondage and administering pleasurable sensations.  Even light spanking and using My fingernails on her felt okay.  But when the time came to flog her and administer more intense pain, I didn't want to go there.  There is something in My psyche that throws up a huge stop sign when it comes to hurting another female. I can't even explain what it is.  I came to the conclusion things were not going to work out with her and never sought a female submissive since.
 
The exact opposite seems to happen with male submissives.  I love to go at them with gusto and dole out as much as they can take.  I actually experience feelings of euphoria when topping a male.
 
I had a situation recently at a flogging demo which showed Me that My feelings have not changed over time.  We were assigned a practice sub and Mine was female.  It felt wrong to be flogging her, but I did it very lightly so I'm sure I was not hurting her (though knowing her, she would have welcomed it).  It was only for about ten minutes or so.  If it had been longer, I would have needed to request a different practice sub.
 
A few of My friends have wonderful female submissives and recommend them highly.  I'm happy for them, but it doesn't work for Me.  I think some women are just not wired psychologically to derive enjoyment from topping another female.
 
Lady Topaz










(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 9:10:46 AM   
jamesthehumanrug


Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline 		greetings,honarable top evanesce,
i will tell you regrets; i did the slave song ;
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE, AFTER LOVE?!
and, got plagiazied; ripped; riduculed; etc; etc ;
what did my goddess ,or mom get besides offed?! ...
anyway: i could'nt have made a more pertinant song about being a slave ,to a sadisits ,and wondering what the F'!!^"!!#*!# &*%!@!"*^%"!!**!!!!......
,after making heavy s and m love;
my way.
 

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 9/15/2006 9:15:15 AM >

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 9:17:59 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I see this reaction in switches from time to time.  At times, it has to do with the connection you have with your own bottom/sub side and feeling sympathetic for the actual bottom in your top scene. 

I've also seen where it's guilt or remorse for not negotiating better (when you already did it well), feeling like you missed cues (when there were none) and failing to execute the great scene that you wanted the both of you to have.

It happens.  I can't tell you how to move on from it, because you've got two choices -- do or don't.  It'd be sad to see you not continue with your SM journey because someone didn't jive with you 110% and a scene didn't go exactly how you planned.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 9:20:49 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jamesthehumanrug

greetings,honarable top evanesce,
i will tell you regrets; i did the slave song ;
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE, AFTER LOVE?!
and, got plagiazied; ripped; riduculed; etc; etc ;
what did my goddess ,or mom get besides offed?! ...
anyway: i could'nt have made a more pertinant song about being a slave ,to a sadisits ,and wondering what the F'!!^"!!#*!# &*%!@!"*^%"!!**!!!!......
,after making heavy s and m love;
my way.
 

WTF are you talking about?

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to jamesthehumanrug)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 10:41:38 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Guilt is, unfortunately, the bread of many of us when we try something or someone new. Not because we do it wrong but because we don't communicate like we should.

Think about it, would you have taken that breather as you say between strikes if she had told you that she perfered it faster? Did you ask? Did she offer the information? Why not?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 11:56:34 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am a sadist and I love my sub male, he is a masochist so we are a good fit. I have no problem whatsoever in dishing out the pain on him because we both enjoy it. I have thought about taking on a female sub but one thing does bother me, of the female subs I've spoken to the one thing they all said is they don't like much pain. So now I've got it in my head that females don't like the amount of pain that males do, I know thats wrong because there are female painsluts. So for me would I mind dishing out the pain? No, if I knew she enjoyed it as much as I like doing it. What I do when I'm playing is I talk to my sub and say for example:  Do you think you can take more slut? or are you a whiny ass baby who needs a Mama to go cry too? <we enjoy humilation too> he has the option of saying its too much, he can handle it  or using his safeword, so I know exactly what is going on with him.
Everyone has their own play style, but if you enjoyed it and so did she, why not try it again only this time communicate more while your doing it. Tell her before hand so that she will feel comfortable about it and know what you are doing.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 12:43:56 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

So, is your headspace about the men different than your headspace with your close female friend?


It's very much different.  Although they are, mostly, friends for whom I care a great deal, they're not "close" to me in the same way she is.  She and I have bonded over shared trials and tribulations that don't get shared with other people.  Maybe that has something to do with the way I feel about the play we did.
 
She, however, keeps telling me turn about is fair play.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 12:47:56 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

quote:

So, is your headspace about the men different than your headspace with your close female friend?


It's very much different.  Although they are, mostly, friends for whom I care a great deal, they're not "close" to me in the same way she is.  She and I have bonded over shared trials and tribulations that don't get shared with other people.  Maybe that has something to do with the way I feel about the play we did.
 
She, however, keeps telling me turn about is fair play.


Not everyone feels this way, but I do.  This might help you.  Much of what I do, I do because it is what my partner wants.  I have at a point or two had to turn a blind eye to my thoughts of where the partner was at, because I knew she wanted to go there.  Trust her, if she says she wants or needs more.

You like to please your Master/Dom, yes?  When you are topping her, please her.  (It's not at your own expense with either of them.)

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 12:52:17 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Think about it, would you have taken that breather as you say between strikes if she had told you that she perfered it faster? Did you ask? Did she offer the information? Why not?


No.  No.  No.  And I don't know why not.  It's not like either of us is a green newbie, and we both know neither of us is a mindreader.  I just feel so stupid and inadequate, when I know I do great scenes with men.
 
Sheesh!  Maybe I need to get bumped back down to Basic Play 101.
 
Nah... next time I'll just play with electricity, and wax, and knives, and other sharp, pointy things.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 1:08:51 PM   
Rumtiger


Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline 		I'll remember not to get affectionate with you, ouch.

_____________________________

Fuck the Pandas!
-Moi

Mmm, I love me some kickboxers, you know why? Cause ya'll cant take a punch!
- Quentin Tarantino.

If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
-Tucker Max

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 1:14:33 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Could it be that perhaps you were so excited at the idea of Topping a female that you were rushed or so into it that you kind of lost yourself? Its just an idea that popped into my head.

I don't think you need Basic Play 101, I think something else was going on, something very powerful. Don't be down on yourself and from you state your friend said, she is game to play again. :)

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 5:33:18 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with one of the above suggestions ... set the 'perfect' scene (nothing is perfect but you can try to come close).  Involve your friend this time, with more information.  Get her likes, dislikes and hard limits (everyone has them).  Then ... play again, this time for her sadistic pleasure and your sadistic twists.  I often wonder how a switch finds balance.  My hat is off to you for doing so.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 8:55:45 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'll remember not to get affectionate with you, ouch.


Oh, now come on... don't they always say we only hurt the ones we love?  If that's not affectionate, I don't know what is!

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to Rumtiger)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/15/2006 11:52:00 PM   
DomJen


Posts: 19
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		I can sort of relate. I am bi so of course I love women. I love men too but it almost seems like the "principle" of the subject is totally different. I am also a sadist and I love dishing out pain and domination when it comes to men. I felt weird about it because I have tried to top women before and I have done it, but the relationship always ended because I felt like I couldnt handle putting a woman in extreme pain reguardless of whether she likes it or not.

_____________________________

~Mistress Jen~

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/16/2006 3:35:51 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds like a bad case of Top Drop to Me ... it happens! But it's so less frequently discussed than sub drop. Big hugs to You and please don't beat Yourself up too much about it (that's not Your job *grin*).

I'm with TammyJo ... while perhaps You should have asked what style of impact play she prefers (then it would be Your choice as to which way to go!), she could also have spoken up (unless You had her gagged at the time!). I would have thought if You and she were this close, that she would either have seen You play with someone previously and so would know Your style and this would have prompted her to speak up about her preference, or this would have been talked about at some point.  As a sub, i like it exactly as You would give it ... lots of soothing touches between impacts. But as a Domme, I recognise that some like that, others don't, so I ask My boys. If they're not sure, I do a bit of one and a bit of the other so they can compare. For Me, impact play is about where it takes My sub ... so I am reasonably wired to do it according to their preference if at all possible so it gets them to the space I want to see. That's not the case with ALL My play, just before everyone jumps in with "But You're the Domme!" messages! Anyway, it sounds like You've not burnt all Your bridges with this woman, so forgive Yourself and resolve to play a little differently next time.

Regards
Mistress Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/16/2006 9:38:01 AM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline 		I understand where you are coming from. I have no trouble topping males or females, but if I were to hurt someone and find out they didn't want me to...? Well it would just make me sick to my stomach. It sounds like there is really nothing you can do about it at this point. She is okay, she still wants to be near you, so you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you let this affect your friendship, don't you think that will hurt her even more? No matter how much we like to think we are, tops are not perfect, and we are not all knowing or all seeing. Thats why keeping the lines of communication open is so important.

_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Regrets After Play - 9/16/2006 3:35:11 PM   
Samwhiplash


Posts: 191
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MysticFireTopaz

I can relate to much of this.  I have learned that don't want to hurt girls, either.
 
I have no qualms at all when it is a masculine, muscular, submissive male (actually any submissive male, for that matter). 


Agree 100%. With me it even goes so far as to watching MaleDom videos.... my instincts kick in and I want to save the femsub who is on the receiving end of the pain.

I know i know... a psychologist wld run amok wth this - but its the truth.

Im sorry your head is in a place of turmoil after this scene. Sounds to me like your friendship will make it through once you work thro the angst in your head over it.

Perhaps u need to re-scene to a joint pleasure level :)

Sam

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)
Profile   Post #: 20
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