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Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/15/2006 6:36:06 PM   
Shadowraven


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/14/2006
Status: offline 		I'm a relatively new male Dom; I'm looking for suggestions on training. My sub is also relatively new, she has shown plenty of interest though. We are more interested in a Dom/sub, 50's era style relationship, rather than that of a Master/slave thing. Like I said, she seems to take interest, but seems to have a rather hard time actually adopting a submissive stance... it seems more like surface-oriented roleplay at the moment. However, she says that she is interested in being more involved than that. The only real hurdle here, is a strong will, and a short fuse (at times). So, in short, how can I defuse that a bit; any suggestions on little things, or excercises which will help ease her into that? There is one key point she reiterates... she has a need to "feel considered." I have no problem with this need; however, I do have a problem with how she reacts when she feels like she is not... which is usually stimulated any time I make a decision she is opposed to. Is this cyclical in nature?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/15/2006 7:26:49 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds that she is having difficulty respecting your authority.  She offers it, you step in, she takes it back.  That's just my gross generalization.

Perhaps you should let your personality become larger than hers.  Let her know, in some way, that she isn't going to get away with that with you.  Maybe it will seem like role-play, but you can overcome this.  Once you do this once, it should get easier.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Shadowraven)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/15/2006 7:48:57 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I agree with Jeff, and would add that she may be testing you to see just how seriously you take this.

Dont be gun shy yourself, ya know?  Dont come on strong,  then back off.  Be consistant...Its most likely what she wants to see.  Maybe lay down some ground work with her and agree to where and what control you are going to take.  Then stick to it <no matter her protests>. 

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to Shadowraven)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/15/2006 7:59:23 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		It almost sounds to me as if she is more of a bottom then a submissive. She enjoys the physical sensations but not the control part. Perhaps you may want to speak to her about this and make sure that being a submissive is what SHE really wants. If she doesn't then you'd be wasting your time and her's with training.
The again it could be she is a bit of  brat that your going to have to tame, you can only find that out by talking with her openly about it.

Good luck

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/16/2006 3:58:10 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Quote: she has a need to "feel considered." I have no problem with this need; however, I do have a problem with how she reacts when she feels like she is not... which is usually stimulated any time I make a decision she is opposed to. Is this cyclical in nature?

Oh, this waved a BIG red flag for Me. My former hubby tried to sub to Me ... unsuccessfully for a whole range of reasons. However, one of his common whinings was that he didn't feel I "heard" him or "considered" what he had to say ... purely because I didn't decide things "his way". he couldn't understand that I HAD heard, considered ... and then made My decision based on the FACTS and evidence before Me (as any good scientist does, and that's My background). As I said to him often, if you can mount a good case, present facts and good reasons why decision X is the right one, and show why My choice of Y isn't the best for U/us all ... then I will decide on X. But the times he was able to do this were so rare I can't actually recall one, as he doesn't operate in terms of facts and reasons, only in terms of nebulous feelings. This problem operated at all levels ... from which way W/we would drive to a destination to major relationship issues. It's not something that I think he will EVER change. So, You need to have a REALLY good talk with this girl ... the other posters have made some good points too. Does she REALLY want to submit? Does she realise that submission actually COSTS her something? It's so easy to submit to something you want ... much harder when decisions go against you and yet she has promised to obey. she has to get her head around this and see if it's something she really wants and can live with. Or maybe she is a good bottom rather than a sub. Will that be sufficient for You though?

By the way, my sub side lives with my Master 24/7 and has for over 2 years ... i KNOW the cost of submission ... i know it is not always easy ... especially when Master decides against me, especially as i can usually mount a very good case LOL! But this is what i have chosen to do ... i have submitted my life and will to Him ... i know for me this is the right choice. So the above advice from My Dominant side isn't just "hot air" ... i live this way and know it can be done!

PS to those who don't like the caps and small letters, forgive M/me ... it's just M/my way of keeping track of M/y Dominant and submissive personas when writing! As you can probably tell, I flow from One to the other very easily!

Mistress Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/16/2006 7:38:42 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadowraven

I'm a relatively new male Dom; I'm looking for suggestions on training. My sub is also relatively new, she has shown plenty of interest though. We are more interested in a Dom/sub, 50's era style relationship, rather than that of a Master/slave thing. Like I said, she seems to take interest, but seems to have a rather hard time actually adopting a submissive stance... it seems more like surface-oriented roleplay at the moment. However, she says that she is interested in being more involved than that. The only real hurdle here, is a strong will, and a short fuse (at times). So, in short, how can I defuse that a bit; any suggestions on little things, or excercises which will help ease her into that? There is one key point she reiterates... she has a need to "feel considered." I have no problem with this need; however, I do have a problem with how she reacts when she feels like she is not... which is usually stimulated any time I make a decision she is opposed to. Is this cyclical in nature?


Out of sheer curiosity, any particular reason why you've addressed your issues with your female partner to femdoms and not your male peers?

I'm feeling the need to know your level of experience in BDSM and D/s before I can fairly comment on her issues.  Your profile lists you as 21, and you're two days new here to the site, so there's little else to go on for us. "Relatively new" is a relative term!  How new is new?  Do you socialize with other SM-oriented people or are you going this alone?  What training or education have you sought out (be it books, classes, etc)?

Any insight you can shed to give me a better picture of the whole relationship would be greatly appreciated.

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 9/16/2006 7:41:50 PM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Shadowraven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 9/16/2006 8:14:48 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		any time you ever want any one to do something they need to know what is in it for them.
 
i suggest you talk at great length about what she gets out of her role.
look not only at what she is getting now but how it could serve her in the future.
dig deep what does she like about the fifties relationships? what does it do for her?
make and keep a list as you talk.
 
 
then vision build with her
 
 
consider building a collage with her, tearing out words and pictures that resonate in to the core of the life you want to share.
 
keep your focus on that core, the vesica Pisces, the place where your vision and her vision overlap, and build from there.

i do not recommend a heavy hand, and or strict discipline because studies show it is not nearly as effective of a tool for motivation as vision building, but i do feel that some accountability can be a helpful tool, so as you build the ideas you both wish to step in to in your lives have some plan of action for when one or the other slacks.

with out accountability the whole thing can feel intangible, but as that you are a new dom i think you need accountability too, there must be a consequence for failing this woman in your duties as her steward just as there are consequences for her failing you.

this will help her feel considered and safe, as she attempts to find a place where you can both play safely and evolve as a couple.
 
one last piece of advice dont take the D/s thing so seriously that you throw the baby out with the bath water, BDSM is the  instrument for self expression but it is not the music...you are.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 10/20/2006 12:05:50 AM   
Shadowraven


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/14/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I apologize for my lengthy delay, duty calls every once in awhile. As far as the "why did I ask a Mistress?" question... I want to try and get a range of opinions from both subs and Doms. She is also a woman, and I (although male myself) have found that in certain matters, testosterone clouds judgement/perception. I wanted to familiarize myself with the female approach to training, and search out any possible common opinions.
    As far as how new I am, it has played a large role in my life for the most part. However, it's only within the past six months or so that I have actually been involved in a more concrete way. Training, I have had no formal training, nor any idea where I might seek it; although, we are attending a group this weekend. We have bought a few books which have been recommended, and of course there's always online research.
    Thanks again for the replies.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 10/20/2006 9:37:29 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadowraven

I'm a relatively new male Dom; I'm looking for suggestions on training. My sub is also relatively new, she has shown plenty of interest though. We are more interested in a Dom/sub, 50's era style relationship, rather than that of a Master/slave thing. Like I said, she seems to take interest, but seems to have a rather hard time actually adopting a submissive stance... it seems more like surface-oriented roleplay at the moment. However, she says that she is interested in being more involved than that. The only real hurdle here, is a strong will, and a short fuse (at times). So, in short, how can I defuse that a bit; any suggestions on little things, or excercises which will help ease her into that? There is one key point she reiterates... she has a need to "feel considered." I have no problem with this need; however, I do have a problem with how she reacts when she feels like she is not... which is usually stimulated any time I make a decision she is opposed to. Is this cyclical in nature?


Out of sheer curiosity, any particular reason why you've addressed your issues with your female partner to femdoms and not your male peers?



I was wondering this also.  We seem to have a rash of males lately, both Dom and sub, who pose questions and dilemnas in the *Ask A Mistress* forums, when I feel they might be better served in the *Ask a Master* or the *Ask a submissive/slave* forums.  Even the *General BDSM* discussion forum would bring a topic to the attention of the entire community. 
I know we're good (We Ladies, that is...*Smile*), and all that, but there does seem to be a lot of this going around.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 10/20/2006 1:44:31 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadowraven

I'm a relatively new male Dom; I'm looking for suggestions on training. My sub is also relatively new, she has shown plenty of interest though. We are more interested in a Dom/sub, 50's era style relationship, rather than that of a Master/slave thing. Like I said, she seems to take interest, but seems to have a rather hard time actually adopting a submissive stance... it seems more like surface-oriented roleplay at the moment. However, she says that she is interested in being more involved than that. The only real hurdle here, is a strong will, and a short fuse (at times). So, in short, how can I defuse that a bit; any suggestions on little things, or excercises which will help ease her into that? There is one key point she reiterates... she has a need to "feel considered." I have no problem with this need; however, I do have a problem with how she reacts when she feels like she is not... which is usually stimulated any time I make a decision she is opposed to. Is this cyclical in nature?


Out of sheer curiosity, any particular reason why you've addressed your issues with your female partner to femdoms and not your male peers?



I was wondering this also.  We seem to have a rash of males lately, both Dom and sub, who pose questions and dilemnas in the *Ask A Mistress* forums, when I feel they might be better served in the *Ask a Master* or the *Ask a submissive/slave* forums.  Even the *General BDSM* discussion forum would bring a topic to the attention of the entire community. 
I know we're good (We Ladies, that is...*Smile*), and all that, but there does seem to be a lot of this going around.

What was more odd about this whole thread was that he vanished after it was posted, only after having joined the site the day before.  Days AFTER the post, when it was evident that he started a topic that he was not going to continue, I got PMs on the other side from a female, reportedly his slave, asking to "talk to me about the matter" since he was away.  I smelled a really strange happening going on and just deleted the message.  It was an odd breach of protocol.  And now he's back.......

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Looking for help on how to approach training - 10/21/2006 7:34:45 AM   
LadyAlexa


Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline 		they come, they go.  amsuing at times and bothersome at other times.  So many posts that I do respond to....are oneliners.  Why should I respond in depth, when the orginal is ...well not up to standard.

_____________________________

Lady Alexa
[amber]

Submission is key not gender.

GLBT approved.

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 11
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