Feeling alone.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Feeling alone.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Feeling alone.

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 3:56:57 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Having read some post on this forum and others, i start to feel more and more alone. Am i right i ask myself, or is somthing worng whit me, for none seam to feel the way i do? All the other submissives and slaves seam to tell stories of how they love to serve, how pealsing thier Masters and Dom`s become more inportant to them than pleasing themself. i am not like that, and i feel alone.

i am slefish, i like to do things for myself, and i put myself first, always, even if i care deeply for others and love my Dom. But i feel the need to be dominated in the relationship, the be made to serve him. i like being used and to have a submissive possision, but i stil care aboute myself first. i take alot of satisfaction when my Dom tell me i have done a good job, and pleasing him, do please me, but i am more satified when i get somthing done well for myself.

still i feel the desire to submit to His will, to be used sexualy, to acept his punishments, and to live like a submissive, but i do it for myself. Am i the only one that feel like this? i am a not good noh sub becouse i put myself first. i obey but i can not live for Him, i live for myself. Is there somthign wrong whit me? i wonder. i have been called many things, and pepole have said i am not realy a sub at all, but i feel in my harth i am, but i feel so alone, and somtimes i just want to run and hide.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 4:18:49 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

nella,
The only question you need to ask yourself is, is he ok with you the way you are? If he is, then you are doing nothing wrong.
Sure, we all have our own opinions. We all have different reasons for why we do the things we do.
However, take merc for instance. He has a slave. I'm not a slave so would we be compatible? Even if deep down the definition may be the same. Sub and slave?
No, we would not be happy together. So, who am I or any of us to judge what the two of you do? The most we can do is try to understand your position and respect you for having a different one.
If you're keeping your Dominant happy then continue on.

(in reply to nella)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 4:40:26 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

I emphatically second what Gloria said.

Heck, I love to serve, but I think I'd call that selfish too. I derive plesaure from serving. Sure, I'm taking care of my partners needs and putting his needs before mine, however, doing that brings me pleasure.

Truly, aside from those individuals who are in non-consensual or abusive relationships, I think everyone is, at a basic level, putting themselves first. They wouldn't -be- in a given relationship if it didn't bring them pleasure, satisfaction or fufilment.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 5:08:28 PM

merrymasochist

Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline

there's nothing wrong with you or your outlook nella...
~smiles~
your'e just finding your own style and expression of submission... don't worry that it doesn't match with with the popular outlook... trust me, if you dig a little deeper beyond the general consensus you'll quickly find that expressions of submission and dominance are like snowflakes, each unique unto themselves with no two alike and each beautiful in their own way...

you like being bent to serve rather than serving as an end to itself... you gain satisfaction from knowing yourself that you've done a good job as you do when being praised and told you've done a good job... that doesn't make you a "bad sub" or "not a sub," it's just you being and expressing your submission your way...

as for selfishness, i'm not sure if i see it that way... i don't consider getting one's needs met as selfish unless it's damaging the relationship... why would we choose to be in a relationship at all if our needs weren't being met somewhere along the line? are you disregarding His/Her needs and wants in favor of your own? are you putting yourself first to the detriment of the dynamic? topping from below? from what you've written is doesn't sound like it but only you can answer those questions...

some submissives are comfortable with their One being the beginning, middle and end of their universe, some are not... for some it takes time for that dynamic to be reached, for others it never happens... either way, there's no "right way" or "wrong way," there's only the self-examination and struggle to find the path of expression that fits us best...

take heart nella, i'm willing to bet that you're definitely not alone in your feelings...

sincerely,
merry

(in reply to nella)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 6:32:48 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Hi.

i do not run over him or try to top from below, thoug i must amdit that i am spoiled. i thank you for your kind coments. Thoug i still feel confused over this.

i have been dreaming of submission and slavery sinse a littel girl, nothing sexual offcourse, i used to play at being a slave, or having my dolls being slaves to other dolls, now whn i grew older and started to become sexualy interested in my erly teens, i started reading aboude BDSM and it has been a fasination of mine. Still i feel like i like all the worng things, for exmaple, i am interested in pain, but not for plessure, i hate it while it happens, but the feeling before r after, that i like. i like being submissive and obeying, but i still live for me, i feel lost and confused werry often, am i doing things right or am i not cut out for this.

(in reply to merrymasochist)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 6:36:07 PM

realophelia

Posts: 168
Status: offline

I think everyone is unique. Some people just process service differently than others. I am very service oriented. Pleasing my Master makes me feel peaceful and safe. So pleasing him is pleasing myself. I don't know if that's putting myself first exactly but it's not really selflessness either.

Take care :)
Ophelia

_____________________________

"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

(in reply to nella)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 6:54:58 PM

tabbycat

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

i think its normal to have to work to find your true feelings. And from what i've found in myself those feelings don't always make sense. Too make it worse not only do you have to fight your own feelings you have the think about what the rest of humanity is trying to make you think. So me to me the only wrong why to search is to give up and not search at all.

~tabbycat

(in reply to realophelia)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/10/2005 7:42:29 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

tabbycat what you say is werry true and make one think. It is perhaps one of the gratest tasks we have upon this erth to find out what we realy feel.

(in reply to tabbycat)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/11/2005 1:30:14 AM

slave4mzpatti

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

You are not alone. I feel the same way too.

(in reply to nella)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/11/2005 9:55:50 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

However, take merc for instance. He has a slave. I'm not a slave so would we be compatible? Even if deep down the definition may be the same. Sub and slave?
No, we would not be happy together.

Gloria -
I'm hurt! Mostly because you used lower case with my name. I'm offended by this and the constant badgering and challenging of my beliefs. I'm seriously considering pulling my profile and abandoning this site, going exclusively 'on-line' under another identity and soliciting on-line subs to web cam me while peeing doing head stands!

But seriously, are you really really really sure? It's a matter of surrender you know. What people can't comprehend about the relationship between beth and I when they meet is how happy we BOTH are. There is also the matter that beth is anything but a automaton. And that dichotomy distinguishes slavery from submission.

A person coming home from an outside job who strips off their clothes and waits patiently draped over a leather ottoman with their ass up in the air waiting for a spanking is a pretty picture but is NOT an indication of a slave. It's really not even a requirement for a slave. Who is the slave serving by that action? Remember the old joke about the masochist begging a sadist for a spanking? The sadist's should turn down that request or the sadist is serving. I believe that many self identified Doms are really service slaves to their submissives; expecially those in relationships with strictly detailed sensation limits and safe words. I'll throw a challenge out there to all to disprove that belief. Really though - So What! The sub and service Dom dynamic serves a purpose. It provides the opportunity to gain experience and damn, it's fun. A relationship defined so, is fine as long as both parties are happy and fulfilled in their roles.

Until beth, every lifestyle relationship I had fell under that definition. Hell I had a great time. I desired something deeper more meaningful, but seeing it rarely I didn't have much hope. It's much easier to go your whole life without contentment in a relationship then it is to find contentment. The sad thing it to stop trying. Or sadder yet - not giving yourself the opportunity. (NO - I won't tangent off into on-line commentary - I SWEAR!)

Sure it may make me smile to see beth's pretty ass bent over an ottoman, but if that greeted me, I'd more likely use her as a coaster for my glass of scotch then spank her. she knows that I don't serve her, and attempting to manipulate me is not recommended. Feel free to ask beth directly for the specifics, but she does MANY things as my slave that are not natural or even appealing to her. I'm not speaking for her, but I'd say the only satisfaction she takes from these tasks is knowing that they please me. Maybe that rationalization makes them appealing to her, but I'll leave it to her to say.

I've chatted directly with nella. I don't think so much that she is feeling 'alone' I think she's at a crossroad. She has done an extensive self analysis. She has a Dom who she cares for deeply, and submits to him. She recognizes that to go the next step - to proceed to what we define as "slavery" for lack of a better word, she must give up or surrender a part of her that she is uncomfortable giving up. That defines the difference.

In may be one specific thing, not even lifestyle related, maybe life related - like career, location, or even religion. If a Master defines slavery to that extent to define yourself as his slave requires the surrendering of that boundary. I'd say few, VERY FEW, are willing to surrender that far.

So what? It's not required that everyone be a "slave". It's not necessary to even aspire to that. The rarity of a Master / slave meeting and becoming one in a relationship that is greater than their individual parts defines it's value.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/11/2005 1:03:45 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Dear Marc, you are werry inteligent and have werry many valid points. Pleese dont leve the site, it would be poorer whitout you and beth. i might disagre whit many of the things you say, but that do not matter, we all have different opinions on things. And if we had no different opinions and all was alike the world would be werry boring indeed.

i for example like the trappings of a BDSM relationship, i like spaknings and whippings and the play part. But many Dominants seam to want to give us subs bad counsiousness for wanting those things. Topping from below they call it, if the sub has any wants and needs. i am not saying that this aply to you Marc, not at all, you coments are always werry informative, but it seam to be a general feeling over this place. What i see as Topping from below is to come to your Dom whit a million requerments, it is not Topping from below to ask. For example i love anal sex, i love the slight pain, the feeling of being used and that i pleses my Dom, and i might go to him and say Master, i would realy want anal sex now, and he can answer yes or no. And we both like littel symbolic things in the dayly life, and we both came up whit sugestions and desided on them together.

For me BDSM and play is an inportant part of D/s. But many say i top from below becouse i want it. This i mewan is not correct. My Dom desides, but my wants and needs are also inportant.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/11/2005 2:48:42 PM

Carolinasubbie

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/16/2004
Status: offline

From my POV, being a bit selfish is a good thing. I am one of those submissives that feels the need to please the Dom in order to get real pleasure. But I also know that I must take care of myself. I married my first "dom" and thought that everything would be perfect and relied on him for just about eveything. This was a set up for disaster because when we split up, I flet like I had no identity. It's taken me years to get back my own 'pesonhood' I guess you could say. So looking after yourself is very important -and your Dom should encourage that (this again is in my opinion ). Do I want to be in a D/s relationship - yes. Do I need it to feel complete - yes...Will my self concept crumble if I'm not in a relationship or if it goes badly - NO. That is the important thing. So long story short - examine where the 'selfishness' comes from.

(in reply to nella)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: Feeling alone. - 1/12/2005 4:57:36 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

It is also a problem that so many of the Dominants seam to feel that if a sub like me ever express somthing they want, it is topping from below. i do not think i could stand a relationship where never my needs was considerd, and i can come to my Dom and ask him for anything, it is his coice to say yes or no, but i can ask.

(in reply to Carolinasubbie)

Profile

Post #: 13