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Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/15/2006 11:58:00 PM   
DomJen


Posts: 19
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		My husband and I have been together for a number of years and we are both dominant personalities. To each other, we do not excersise dominance because we treat each other like we are equals. I have been into the lifestyle for a little while now and I am more experienced in it than he is. We are now trying to find a slave to please both of us and it is conflicting because I have this sense that I don't like hurting women. I have no problems dishing out pain to men but it's like I come to a halt when it comes to women. I am bi so the sexual aspect of it is not the problem. I am very much a sadist and I love to give pain and domination to my slaves. I would rather have a male slave so I can dicipline the way I see fit and he would rather have a female just because he is straight. Any ideas on what may help? I am still in the process of trying to get him to open his mind a little more and more each day.

_____________________________

~Mistress Jen~
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RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 3:19:49 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Why not get one of each? And no, I am not saying that flippantly! And I am very aware that multiplying relationships can mean multiplying trouble. In the first instance, perhaps look for those who would serve part time, don't look to moving someone in 24/7 in a hurry. You might both find that You can play effectively alongside each other with either gender with some practice. For eg, the scenes He shares with You and a male sub, He would avoid sexual contact and perhaps assist You with practical things such as ropework. You might be more sexual and leave the impact play up to Him with a fem sub. While i am sub/slave to Master so it's a slightly different situation, W/we operate differentially with male and female subs. He leaves Me to enjoy males largely on My own and looks only for them to respect His authority as Head of the Household. However, He has assisted with technical matters on occasion and I have appreciated that. Whereas with a fem sub, We team up as Dominants and both enjoy playing with them!

Good luck!
Mistress Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to DomJen)
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RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 4:40:27 AM   
tade


Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline 		We have the same situation and it can be a problem. Keeping in mind taht you are not really "hurting" anyone could help. We have recently fond her a male sub to keep her busy, but she has never had a problem topping a woman. Try to get involved with your local scene. You might have the chance to try it with a woman with out any attachments and see if it might interest you after all.

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to MaamJay)
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RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 6:13:32 AM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		It's very strange reading about all those women that cannot 'hurt' a fellow female ... I find I don't share that particular feeling.  My  husband in response to my past abuse has removed possibility of a male slave (sexually).  We seek a female slave.  As I know my body and my pain threshhold is rather high ... I have no problem pushing another female until she screams her 'safe word'.  In fact, I enjoy pushing right to that level before stopping at times.  It depends on the play partner.  With the past rage for myself, I would do serious harm to a male slave and ... not care.  A woman, I care enough to be thoughtful while I kick the crap out of them *lol*.

Perhaps if you started with a smaller scene, something light at first, then move up in degrees of severity.  Use humiliation as foreplay for instance, then back to the bedroom to finish it.  Ropes and the paddle or crop is good as well when applied in moderation building from there.


_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to tade)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 8:44:59 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Get one of each that way you are both happy  Seriously its the only way I see around it unless one of you give *in* to the other, so this would be a good compromise. The only other thing you might consider is joining a play group so that way you have access to males and females to play with. Talk it over and see where it leads you.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to DivaDuchess)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 11:34:47 AM   
UtahGoddess


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline 		Dear Jen,

    When you attempt to scene with a woman are you projecting yourself into her?  In other words, is your reluctance to tease, torment, play with her due to your thinking that you would not enjoy such activities?

     Could it be that you are unsure of "how" to proceed with a scene starring a female sub?

     If either of these are a possibility then I would agree that joining a local group and experimenting in a play only environment could help you overcome these issues.

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 11:53:08 AM   
Kirei


Posts: 146
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well if you find a good trans he could have the top and you could have the bottom.....LOL.  Getting someone to open up is hard either they will or they will not.  You may have to look into have a slave for each of you.

Koneko

(in reply to UtahGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/16/2006 12:27:41 PM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline 		I agree with the suggestions of You each having Your own submissive.  That sounds like the best solution for all concerned.   I know a few Dom/Domme couples who have handled the situation that way and it seems to work
 
Lady Topaz

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/17/2006 12:49:38 AM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		DomJen,

As the Female of a Dominant Couple, I can understand your plight, though I do favor female slaves over males for a few reasons which have no bearing on your question.  If he is straight, and not interested in at least exploring topping a male, then as others have said, I see no other way than to have one male and one female, or you becoming comfortable with hurting women.

If you're interested in women sexually, with a little soul-searching, deep thought, and some experimentation, it may not be as far of a stretch as you think to go from sex with women to hurting women.  I would definitely question myself on this topic before resolving yourself to going to great lengths to try to find two appropriate/fitting candidates; one of each sex.  It's hard enough, I think, to find one candidate that we both click with, let alone two.  Give it some time.  You may save yourself the trouble.

Best of Luck,

MrsShadows

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/17/2006 7:23:08 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I agree that finding both male and female subs would be the best approach. A sub-sub couple is also a possibility, although harder to find.

As for trying to open his mind, perhaps dominance without sexual acts is a way to start. I think baby steps are best for trying something that seems unfamiliar and unwanted.

It may be your response to women lies more in sensuality than in sadism. Perhaps sensuality and sadism can come together for you, perhaps not. As others have said, opening the mind can also be applicable to your reluctance to not give pain to women. That said, if you reach that level I hope you continue to want to hurt men ;-)

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/17/2006 12:13:27 PM   
steffie


Posts: 95
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		Here's another suggestion for you.  Combine both male & female sub's into one person - and try a transsexual. 

I've met several married Dominant couples over the years.  Most recently, I met a couple here through CollarMe where the husband was much like the way you describe your husband - very straight.  He'd never, ever been with a man before.  But I don't look like a man.  When we were together, I think his wife was quite shocked at how he took to me. 

I realize transgendered people are not everyone's cup of tea, but over the years I can't begin to tell you the number of "straight" men that have suddenly loosened up their attitudes when they met me.

steffie

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/19/2006 5:26:37 PM   
ladylexington


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		I don't agree with the forum that you should welcome both a male and female into the household -- at least not right away. Poly relationships can be complicated. Introducing two new subs into your home, even part-time will bring up several issues. For example:

Who will punish the subs? If both, how will you maintain consistency?

Will the subs have a hierarchy? If not, who is ultimately accountable for mistakes?

How will you and your husband deal with the natural tendency to feel jealous as the relationships with your new subs grow?

What happens if a sub attaches strongly to either you or your husband, but not the other?

These are just a few questions to highlight to potential problems. Read "The Ethical Slut" to get more info.

Try to deal with your reluctance to be sadistic with women first. I personally moved past a similar reluctance watching a lesbian couple play. There was so much love between them that the harsh scene was more like a serenade than a brutality.

_____________________________

If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much. -- Mark Twain

(in reply to steffie)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/20/2006 8:35:28 AM   
Dommeseeksone


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline 		As a polyslave household I also have concerns about bringing in two slaves right away. I personly love it and would not have it anyother way. But it is not something to be rushed into lightly. As if the right matches are not made it can be a true disaster. And it is not for everyone. Alot of comunication and education needs to be done before you make that choice . Perhaps you can explore your own issues a bit more. I am not clear are they just sexual, or just the pain? Talk with your mate and try and come to a meeting of the minds

(in reply to ladylexington)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/20/2006 1:53:30 PM   
wanta247


Posts: 19
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline 		My wife and I find ourselves in the same position, she loves hurting men, but backs off on women, I hope you find an answer because it might help us

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/20/2006 2:28:21 PM   
tade


Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline 		How do you get a slave right away, man woman or otherwise? A Master/ slave relationship takes time. Atleast for us it did.  I see nothing wrong with "playing" with a submissive (completely different than a slave) to test the waters and see what you both like and what you may discover. My wife and I have had many submissives over the years but only 1 slave. Just because you play with someone doesn't mean they become a part of your day to day family. Just our 2 pennies...

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to wanta247)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dom/Domme cpl-need advice - 9/22/2006 3:17:53 AM   
submaleslaveuk


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/21/2006
From: Manchester UK
Status: offline 		Dear DomJen,

i really hope you can work this out. The general consensus is to get one of each although i also would be slightly cautious if this was they way you went. At the moment you are saying you "have this sense that you dont like hurting women" is this a definite? If so then maybe he could punish here while you are more "hands on" with her.

If you are both equal then you should both be allowed what you want, is this something you have to do together? perhaps you could get a male sub and he a female sub to play with??

Whatever happens please keep us posted and i wish you all the best for the future!

Hugs

submaleslaveuk
darren

(in reply to DomJen)
Profile   Post #: 16
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