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Silvermoon -> RE: Sub Drop (9/16/2006 1:22:37 PM)
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Here's an Article I wrote some time back. Maybe it'll help. It's geared towards R/T interaction but some experience subdrop after online interactions.
"Sub-Drop"
Over my experiences in the lifestyle it has never ceased to amaze and frustrate me how many people understand what 'sub-space' is, but have no idea what 'sub-drop' is. The truth of the matter is I discovered what it was by experiencing it, and asking for help. I was asked if I was experiencing 'sub-drop' and after a long discussion I was both relieved and worried, to admit that is what I was suffering from. I was also flabbergasted. I wasn't a newbie in the lifestyle but even now it seems this is not an openly discussed subject. If you ask me, that needs to change! Safe, sane, and consensual, this topic fits under all three. So, after alot of thought, and even more time, I sit down at my faithful computer once again.
When asked, many confuse 'sub-drop' with either 'sub-space' or 'after-care'. The truth is while they are often directly related to each other, they are completely different issues.
I use the term 'sub-drop' because it is the most commonly know term. However, the condition is NOT exclusive to a bottom role. Top's often experience the same symptoms as submissives.
I will attempt, through my experiences as well as information available, to explain the similarities, differences and different possible manifestations of 'sub-drop', while attempting to not get too detailed.
First let's try to define 'sub-drop' and therefore come across the first similarity between 'sub-drop' and 'sub-space'.
'Sub-Drop' is both an immediate and delayed physiological and physiological reaction to the high stimulus in or around a BDSM scene or environment.
For the sake of argument I am going to refer to 'sub-drop' after a scene, and scene being defined as anything from an active period of sensory play, a more subtle power exchange between partners, or simply a gathering of lifestylers such as a play party.
Much like how achieving 'sub-space' is a highly individual thing, so is 'sub-drop'. Though 'sub-drop' is a common occurrence many do not recognize it and some do not even seem to have it occur.
So one must realize that everyone is different and therefore one definition or example is not all encompassing.
I often use the example of 'post-partum depression' as a comparison, since most are familiar with the term. Many women experience 'post-partum depression' in varying degrees after child-birth, some not at all.
'Post Partum Depression' is caused by many factors, change in hormones, changes in the body, changes in lifestyle and relationship. Personally, while I experience 'sub-drop' very strongly, I have never experienced 'post partum depression' with any of my children.
In this way 'sub-drop' is very similar.
During a scene or sexual arousal there is a measurable release and rise of several hormones (example: adrenalin, endorphins, oxytocin) into your blood stream. This accounts for several factors which you notice during an active scene or sexual arousal; heightened physical sensation to stimulus, faster heart rate, stronger focus with ability to 'tune out' distractions, higher pain tolerances, flushed skin and often a euphoric state, just to name a few.
Eventually your body begins to calm and these levels begin to drop off, just as during sexual play it is often referred to as "afterglow". As these levels drop you begin to 'come down', often times as you become more aware of your body you may realize you're suddenly famished, thirsty, exhausted or exhilarated.
Usually this is where 'after-care' comes into play, however while 'after-care' can directly impact on how strongly one may experience 'sub-drop', it is not necessarily a prevention for such a thing happening.
Manifestations of 'sub-drop' are varying and may include, but are not limited to; anxiety, feelings of guilt, feelings of loss, loneliness, sadness, general depression, crying, lethargy, dizziness, imbalance, loss of physical co-ordination, fear without rationality, insomnia, sleepiness, paranoia, feelings of isolation or wanting to be isolated, questioning their intentions within the scene or with their partner, a need for affirmation, feelings of self-hatred, self-consciousness, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, headaches, body aches.
Sub-Drop can occur immediately or several days after the scene and the symptoms may continue to show themselves for several days. There is no rule for this.
So now that we have an idea of what it is, how do we deal with it?
Again there's no easy answer to this. It is one of the major reasons that I do not recommend public play or online play. While the scene may be highly enjoyable by both parties, often it is done so causally there is no thought to repercussions AFTER the party is over or one logs off.
The first major factor in lessening ( I won't use the word preventing as it's not always possible) is to be sure to take the appropriate steps during the scene and after-care. (If you are unsure of after-care, please stop here and look up the meaning of after-care)
During the scene remember to communicate with your partner, ask them questions even if they can not verbally respond. Tell them they are doing well, direct them where necessary, and guide them. Do not assume they know exactly what you want and how. Do not assume that lack of verbal communication on their part means they do not need feedback from you.
In your efforts during after-care, continue the communication. After a scene containing bondage play, I find releasing the limbs and slowly allowing them back into normal position, and gentle massage to return blood flow key in preventing body aches and strains later on. As an example, most often as Top I will move their limbs for them, very slowly so they may continue to leave the muscles lax until I can massage out the built up acids and return blood flow. As a bottom I find it crucial to have my partner do this.
Keeping in contact with your partner after the scene, is the second major step in lessening the impact of 'sub-drop'. Often communication alone can lessen or ease the emotional elements of sub-drop.
Until you know exactly what is required to aid your partner through this time of need, do the most general of things. It certainly can not harm you or your partner to let them know that you are thankful they shared such a scene with you, that they are cared about, listened to, and are important.
Often times it is difficult for a bottom to express their needs and wants during 'sub-drop'. In such cases the above rule is your best way to go until they recover and are able to reflect back upon the experience.
Even in the most causal of relationships it is not difficult to touch base once or twice a day, for 2-3 days after a scene. I often hear how impossible that is for a Dominant, or excuses as to why they could not. But the overwhelming fact is, if it's too difficult to put aside 10 minutes a day to ensure someone's mental and emotional health, you shouldn't have participated in the scene at all.
Allowing your partner the patience and communication necessary to aid in 'sub-drop' is often directly related to the length and depth of a relationship between Top and bottom.
Specific methods of easing the symptoms of 'sub-drop' depend upon the person and I can merely give you personal examples at this point.
When I experience 'sub-drop' some of the effects are immediate, the final stages occur approx. 36 hours after the scene.
Immediate symptoms include feelings of guilt, embarrassment, in ability to properly express myself verbally, and self-isolation. I need to discuss the scene with my partner, and find reassurance both that it went well and reassurance of their emotions towards me. (Note: if the scene did NOT go well, now is NOT the time to discuss it)
Within the next 24 hours, I continue to self-isolate and quickly find myself in an emotional and physical state of exhaustion. At extreme times I find myself unable to concentrate, I become forgetful, indecisive, and completely unfocused. Usually I am also rather unbalanced and feeling dizzy. Similar to if I were drinking, indeed to outward appearance I may even appear that way. Again as I continue to come down I need some reassurances in general as I may be feeling rather lonely and have paranoid feelings of how they might react to me in the future or towards another scene.
If my needs are met within that 36 hours I find myself once again feeling 'normal' and often energized. If these needs have not been met then I slide from 'sub-drop' directly into a more lasting depression.
I have never returned to the same partner if I feel they have not been able to aid me during 'sub-drop'. I have ended relationships because my needs were not met during this period and frankly, I encourage anyone who goes through 'sub-drop' alone to either educate their partner or seriously re-evaluate their relationship with their partner.
'Sub-drop' is NOT an issue to be taken lightly. I am saddened to say, but there have been cases of 'sub-drop' related suicides.
Sincerely.
Silver
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