The Problems of being so darn "Right!"

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The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/17/2006 9:06:59 PM

Talldrkgentleman

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Understanding.

That word is mentioned a great deal on these pages in the forum and to me it is certainly THE most important part of being Dom to someone.

Mistakes. Apologies. Self-Criticism.

Now here are words seldom found amongst the Doms and Dommes.

I am new to this world and the mistakes I have made with my girl could fill reams of pages. As Dom to a loved one we are supposed to be “right” about what is best for our charges, yet how often I make mistakes; how often do we recant decisions and merely say, “Ooops! Terribly sorry, do forgive me sweetheart I messed that up, shall we try again?”

I spend a great deal of time analyzing and reanalyzing decisions I make for the both of us from listening to my girl and to my heart, discovering not only her problem and separating her needs from her desires (or fantasies), but (with her help of course) trying to decide the path not only best for her, but best for us both; for usually the final decisions are mine.

This I find is the most difficult part of being Dom.

Yet rarely have I heard such a topic discussed. Either this site contains some of the wisest men (and women) on Earth, or there is some serious denial from the dominant partners about whether there is an outside chance that many decisions made for the sub are decision that perhaps do not love or understand wisely or well.

It seems such certain proclamations as are often put forward here belie the fact that loving so wisely and well is in itself a most difficult undertaking. It’s one thing to be Dom yet an entirely different animal to be infallible.

Anyone else feel that the pressure to be “right” at least a majority of the time is THE biggest burden when taking on this lifestyle, or am I the only one who sometimes wakes in the morning wondering if I just did the right thing last night by telling a loved one, “NO, you will listen to me for I KNOW my way is best for us!”

“Knowing,” what is best is a hard, hard thing to know…

Anyone feel akin to these thoughts? Anyone else apologize as much as I do?

Yes, I have made many mistakes and I'm afraid my last one will not be even close to the end of it...

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/17/2006 9:24:42 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear Talldrkgentleman, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In a past teaching capacity, I did mention to the students that it is very difficult for Masters/Mistresses/slaves to apologize. However, slaves need apologies as to start the forgiveness process and close the door. Without an apology, it festers and there is no closure.

Some dominants can't apologize. Pride, ego or just being controlling does not permit them to acknowledge that they're human and prone to make errors. Nobody knows it all, even though they may know a lot.

It won't be the first time or the last, where I talk to my peers about apologies and how important for slaves to hear it. It doesn't have to be full of drama but, sincere. And, although dominants wish to be correct all the time; there will be times we (in general terms) will not be.

I cannot count how many slaves I've had in my personal space and Masters/Mistresses of the past have done them wrong. They harbored so much pain that they couldn't heal and kept the hurt inside. I have slaves recognize me as a Master, give me power as a Master, as to apologize as a Master. They know I (Hugs) have done no ill or done wrong to them but, the fact that I would apologize as a Master meant so very much to these slaves. I also apologize in advance at times, when there are individuals that tend to be over sensitive, to which they fly off into many directions of assumptions or jump to conclusions. Regardless, of anybody's efforts with this sort, they'll be offended. So, I know I won't satisfy some folks, so I apologize; even if I am in the right and or if I'm in the wrong. But, most times I apologize for those in the dominant realm who won't apologize because they have a need to be right all the time, even at the expense of others.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/17/2006 9:46:48 PM

Lashra

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I am human before I am a Mistress and to my way of thinking humans are flawed, so how could the Mistress part of me not be flawed as well? We ALL make mistakes and some of us have no problem fessing up to them and have the good grace to apologize for them. But yet there are some who believe, for whatever reason, that just because they are self labeled as *Dominant* that it is a get out of jail card from having to say "I'm sorry."

If I mess up and make a mistake I apologize for it and I mean it. I usually end up beating myself up worse then anything my submissive would do or say. Yes it is hard being the one in control all of the time. Afterall we as Dominants are responsible for ourselves, subs/slaves and in some cases unmentionables. Shocking as it maybe for some, we are NOT always right. Sucks to be human huh?

Because that is what it boils down to being HUMAN, before any label that we may have stuck upon ourselves.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/17/2006 10:33:51 PM

MagiksSlave

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The other day my Master tried something new he had me tied up and then had a blindfold on me and ear plugs in my ears. After a little while I dont know but I paniced (I suffer from angsiety disorder) I dont know why I did really because I trust Master, but I couldnt controll the panic attac that overcame me and I started to hyperventalate unable to breath. Master came over and quickly released me He felt so badly about it and he apologised many times holding me closely and such. He totaly admited what had happend went wrong. Master is one that accepts his mistakes and takes responsability for them. I learn so much from him on how to be as a person. He has always acted and treated me as a human first and then He is Master and i His slave secent.

Magik's slave

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If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/17/2006 11:26:55 PM

NastyDaddy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Talldrkgentleman

Yes, I have made many mistakes and I'm afraid my last one will not be even close to the end of it...

There was an interesting thread in Ask a Submissive/Slave just a few weeks ago titled Brave New World which touched upon this subject.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_576709/tm.htm

Typically in the absence of what is considered or constitutes an adversary, the issue of insistence of being "right all the time" is not as evident, and it's simply "just another mistake". Add to a mistake prone environment a competition factor and violla... now someone has to be "right"... whether mistaken or not.

However, often is the case where opinions are merely that, opinions... unfortunately which also become subjected to competition factors or ego factors. When differences of opinion take on lives of their own and either opinionated party attempts to tactically or strategically bolster their opinion with assumed facts, principles or mere hoopla... then we digress into an "I'm right fight"... often followed by cheap shots or slurs, terms such as "true Dom/sub", "wannabe", etc. as the desperation to be "right" prevails.

The mistake free perfect people are all out there walking on water and very few (if any) of them post here on the message board. All other posters are as human as the rest of us... male/female, Dom/sub, genius/idiot... all mistake prone humans breathing the same air.

Back as the "Dog days of August" approached us, I started the "I'm Sorry" thread in the Polls and Random Stupidity forum as a place to apologize.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_556555/mpage_1/key_sorry/tm.htm

Perhaps the "I'm Sorry" thread needs to get much more mileage than it really got.....

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"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/17/2006 11:49:41 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Talldrkgentleman

Understanding.

That word is mentioned a great deal on these pages in the forum and to me it is certainly THE most important part of being Dom to someone.

Mistakes. Apologies. Self-Criticism.

Now here are words seldom found amongst the Doms and Dommes.

I am new to this world and the mistakes I have made with my girl could fill reams of pages. As Dom to a loved one we are supposed to be “right” about what is best for our charges, yet how often I make mistakes; how often do we recant decisions and merely say, “Ooops! Terribly sorry, do forgive me sweetheart I messed that up, shall we try again?”

When I first started out yes I felt very much like you have described.

Now I know that it is my place to lead. Leaders are not always right. Leaders like anyone else make mistakes. All we can do is learn, change and move onwards and upwards.

D (owner of j).

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Possibly.

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/18/2006 3:50:43 AM

Focus50

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Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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The key to the "Search" function is that it works best if a thread is appropriately titled. A quick squizz of Page 1 in "Ask a Master" shows two threads titled "please explain" and "probably a silly question". I'm not sure what they're about off the top of my head but they'd be useless for anyone searching for whatever topic they address.

As for your topic, of course there's a responsibility and obligation for a Master to always make the right decisions but it simply isn't going to happen for us Dom/mes who are also fallible human beings. And that'd be ALL of us....

I abhor screwing up, esp if my girl suffers an undesired consequence. When it happens, no-one can make me feel worse than that condescending, smart-arsed prick in the mirror. Therefore, what I don't do is just brush it off with a whimsical excuse that I'm not perfect etc - it's NOT ok! What I do do is learn the lesson from whatever mistake I made. A fool is not necessarily someone who makes a mistake but someone who keeps making the same mistake. That also encompasses someone making repeated but different mistakes, too!

Do I apologise to the girl? Absolutely - and believe me I have all the humbling embarrassment that comes with a *sincere* apology. Subs also look to us to always be right but I've never met one who didn't understand an honest mistake. And after any damage is rectified, I hafta admit I allow and even enjoy her moments of empowerment when she's having a giggle and a dig at Master for screwing up.... So I give her a little more rope than usual to get herself into trouble; thus restoring the proper order of things....

But I can't say as I'm having the troubles you apparently seem to be suffering.... Being in charge and main decision maker etc is what I do; is what a Dom/me does. Mistakes are damned annoying but I personally wouldn't say it's hard to do what a Dom is meant to do.

Focus.

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/18/2006 5:54:25 AM

AdamPowers

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I think some of this also touches on the type of a relationship you have. A 24/7 relationship is going to experience these situations maybe more often than a casual relationship. During a previous relationship I had, my girlfriend was only submissive during our 'play' time. Outside of the bedroom, she was very controlling and at times became confusing even for me to determine when and where the Dominance began and ended. I found us arguing and subsequently appologizing to each other a lot. Most was through very basic relationship building, but other times I felt it was so she could still maintain a certain level of control within her own mind.

- Adam

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/18/2006 2:50:32 PM

Estring

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There is a middle ground between never acknowledging mistakes and chronic second guessing. I don't think either is a good way to be.
My slave trusts me to make the decisions for the both of us. As far as I know, she doesn't expect me to be perfect. But the fact that I can admit that I have made a mistake, or was wrong sometimes, makes it easier for her to put herself in my hands.
It is possible to overthink things and put too much pressure on always being right. If you expect your slave/sub to trust you, you probably need to trust yourself first.

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/18/2006 5:06:49 PM

Kahri

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Before I start anything with a sub, I always tell them "I'm human. I'm going to make mistakes. This will be a learning process for us both, and we both need to be prepared to forgive each other and move past the mistakes we make." I say it for their sake, but also for my own, to make sure I don't fall into that "I always have to be right" state of mind.

The last person I submitted to told me he would never apologize to me - that was pretty much the end of that!

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/18/2006 8:23:04 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

There is a middle ground between never acknowledging mistakes and chronic second guessing. I don't think either is a good way to be.
My slave trusts me to make the decisions for the both of us. As far as I know, she doesn't expect me to be perfect. But the fact that I can admit that I have made a mistake, or was wrong sometimes, makes it easier for her to put herself in my hands.
It is possible to overthink things and put too much pressure on always being right. If you expect your slave/sub to trust you, you probably need to trust yourself first.

I can appreciate this viewpoint,and reflects my own personal thoughts on the subject...good post Estring...Tempting

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/19/2006 6:47:51 PM

Talldrkgentleman

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Here's an interesting observation I have made of late:

In actuality being fallible draws me closer to my girl. I don't think she could handle being in a relationship with someone who was infuriatingly right all the time. A mistake, particularly one that is acknowledged draws her closer to me. Perhaps that is a most interesting point in relationships themselves: honest mistakes acknowledged and forgiven are perhaps the essence of love and understanding. Yet in the D/s life, when such fragile emotions are put out there in the open, when each opens themselves to such vulnerability, it seems doubly true.

Interesting...

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/19/2006 9:59:30 PM

Frank01

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There is right,wrong, and in between.

Which do apologies address?

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RE: The Problems of being so darn "Right!" - 9/20/2006 9:49:40 AM

raiken

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Talldrkgentleman

Here's an interesting observation I have made of late:

In actuality being fallible draws me closer to my girl. I don't think she could handle being in a relationship with someone who was infuriatingly right all the time. A mistake, particularly one that is acknowledged draws her closer to me. Perhaps that is a most interesting point in relationships themselves: honest mistakes acknowledged and forgiven are perhaps the essence of love and understanding. Yet in the D/s life, when such fragile emotions are put out there in the open, when each opens themselves to such vulnerability, it seems doubly true.

Interesting...

Good observation. Many talk of a sub/slave becoming vulnerable to the Dominant. The more vulnerable and open the better. Yet, i have observed that it is often more difficult for a Dominant to become vulnerable with a slave. i believe it has to do with trust, and the position of authority. i hear many a sub say they have to believe in the authority and learn to trust. When the dominant is more open with vulnerabilities, to me this fosters an even greater trust. IF, the slave is not judgemental and prone to placing blame, or given to the saying of "i told you so" over and over. This is often one of the many reasons dominants tend to be less open in this area. i say this because a recent situation comes to mind...

Not to long ago, one of my dominant friends, shared that his girl wishes for him to be more open and vulnerable with her as she is with him. Okay he says, he honors her request and tries it. He has been trying it. He says that each time he opens himself up to her, she has begun to offer more and more criticism of his falibilities, and more questions, and less and less support, and understanding. He said that this leaves him at times feeling like he has to constantly defend and reinforce too often, his position and authority.

He said it feels like she is the one trying to take over, because now that she knows his weaker areas, she can't trust his descisions in certain areas. He said that if she didn't know about them, he could deal with making mistakes and learn on his own without that type of added stress of her knowing and not knowing how to support instead of criticize. i told him he is learning now, what to to share and what to keep in reserve for a later time when he has worked these areas out a bit more.

Just a thought that popped into my head after reading this.

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