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Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 9:00:11 AM   
prdslave


Posts: 190
Joined: 7/1/2006
Status: offline 		so I am getting divorced from my husband, and we managed to replicate in the 8 years we were together. The main problem I am dealing with now, is having to deal with him in order to see the replicants. Other than the obvious answer of just dealing with the unpleasantness which is him, have any others out there found ways to be amicable with their ex, at least around the the kids? part of it is also while I still love him, or the him that i fell in love with, he really makes me want to fold up into myself and disappear at the same time.

TIA
Sarah

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hell is Windows 98, wireless USB adaptor

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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 9:22:07 AM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		My sweet Sarah,

   I hope that you get some good points of view here for your questions. I know it will help you with your resolve to make sure you are spending time in your children's lives. Both LadyV and I wish you the best and want you to know that we are always here to listen and help in any way that we are able to. 
Yours Always
   Bill

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 9:27:47 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Dear Sarah, It sucks doesn't it. Having been thru it many years ago, having seen friends, my husband, and now watching my son suffer, all I can say is this. The crap with the ex, it really can and does get better. It is possible to get thru the garbage and be friends with the ex. Remember, they will always be a part of your life because of the offspring, it's best to figure out how to get along and pronto.

The best incentive is to remember why you want and need to get along with them....stay focused on that goal...the offspring. Let anything that does not affect the offspring go........just let it go and focus on what is really important. The rest will work itself out eventually.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 9:45:58 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		What LaT said; if both of you make the little ones the focus of your interactions, rather than the hurt you feel at one another, then eventually the hurt will fade and the little ones will be able to grow up knowing that both mom and dad love them and it wasnt their fault.
E

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 9:58:58 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		You both need to each honestly accept the reasons you chose to end the "until death to us part" stuff.  Both need to accept that part has ended, and make a new pact... neither of you are "free" until your replications are grown (even then you still share something wonderful, your replicants). You will both bear the burden of parenthood as adults in agreement, not as seperated lovers... those days have passed, both need to accept that and move forward as parents... that part never passes

When my true love and I divorced we communicated and acknowledged/accepted our new positions. We made a new pact with each other that in the presence of our replication we would never "dump" adult emotions and frustrations on them. We both spoke highly of the other and it was little impact on our replication, who was able to and encouraged to maintain a healthy relationship with each parent. This approach was (and still is) used, and it has made for a better situation. We remained, and are now friends.... we simply divorced the lover part from our friendship, not our shared parental responsibility or our friendship itself. 

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"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 10:03:02 AM   
CuriouslyKat


Posts: 118
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Kansas
Status: offline 		I did my own divorce because my ex was in jail (still is) so it made things easier and cheaper. I have sole custody and he has no visitation due to him being unstable...but my situation is a bit weird to say the least.  The way I stay amicable is to not deal with him at all.

Things I recommend:

1. Make boundaries and keep them! Keep it all about the kids and the divorce for now.

2. If you have a family member you both are in a good relationship with have their house be a drop off point for awhile. That can give you some space.

3. Use e-mail instead of phone to communicate if you can. 

4. Keep busy and take care of yourself and your kids. They need you more than ever. Do something joyful everyday.  Heal, grow and put it all in the past. I can think up some other cliches, but these are good for now.

Kat

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 10:15:11 AM   
prdslave


Posts: 190
Joined: 7/1/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for all of the advice so far. I really do appreciate it.

As for a neutral spot for a dropoff, there unfortunately is none, so whenever I want to see them, i go up to the house. We moved out here to be closer to his family. I rarely talk to him on the phone because I hate the phone ( and ironically, my job is phone based). We communicate via IMs and text messages and emails most of the time. He was very controlling during our marriage, but not in a fashion that I had agreed to, and to some extent he is still trying to control what I do. Our youngest is not quite 4, so i will have a lot of 'one day at a times' in front of me.

The kids are my focus, and making their lives as best as I possibly can.

(in reply to CuriouslyKat)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 11:03:16 AM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		yes Sarah some very good advise as I knew you would get.  Thank you LaTigress, CuriouslyKat, NastyDaddy and LadyEllen for your thoughtful and meaningful posts. Sarah has become a very close friend to both my wife and me. We want nothing more for her and her children than the best that they can have in life.   

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 11:28:36 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		Never speak ill of him in front of the kids; if at all possible learn what you can from the relationship, and never speak ill of him period.  Don't hold on to anger or negativity as it is a total waste of time.
Allow the kids and him ample access to one another (even when it irritates you), whether he provides well financially or not, because your lil one's psychological well being is at stake, and theirs ought to take precedence over yours and his, in my opinion.
Good luck in working it out, and am sorry for the pain you are going through.   M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 3:08:15 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Divorce and the feeling that it brings is extremely tough to deal with. My one suggestion, and hopefully your ex will understand this too, do not use your children as a way to get back at him. Please remember that whatever feelings you may have about him now, he is still their father. Don't bad mouth him in front of them, don't try to gain their allegiance by turning them against him.
Too often children get the worst of a divorce as the parents bitterly fight over them.
Good luck to you.   

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Boycott Whales!

(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 3:38:12 PM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		Sara,
I had a very messy divorce. Our children suffered in the end because we focused on our issues instead of THEM.
 
I try very hard not to talk down about him in front of my children.
 
I try to remember they NEED both of us and have the right to have both of us in their lives.
 
When things where really hostile between us we would us my parents home as a pick up and drop off point as well as public restraunts.
 
We set up clear boundaries about our relationship and visitation and we try very hard to stick to them.
 
When I took down wedding pictures and other family pictures I put them in an album for them. I don't want them to forget that part of their lives of feel like they can not hold onto those memories.
 
I also try and teach them about their father's culture, since they are bi-racial. Although that sometimes means I have to do research myself. *laughs*
 
He has made the clear choice not to see them, even when we lived 3 blocks away he would not take his visitations. That is his choice, my choice is to make the effort to keep him in their lives. I do this by mailing him pictures, school work, art work and other things like that.
 
 
I with you and yours the best.
 
 
 

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to prdslave)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 5:05:11 PM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Just a little more information from what we are seeing. The children are living with their father. He kicked her out of the house, told her to pack her things and leave in the middle of the night. Anytime I have been with Sarah and her children, I have never heard her speak badly of their father in front of them. He tries to manipulate her thru the children.  She is becoming a very stong willed person in dealing with him, but sometimes she just wishes it were easier dealing with him. 

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 5:07:52 PM   
prdslave


Posts: 190
Joined: 7/1/2006
Status: offline 		Well, my visit with him went fairly well today. 3 of the kids were at school when i got there, with just the youngest home. I played with him for a bit, and we made some snacks for him to eat while we talked.

I never say anything in front of the kids regarding their father. My time with them is too limited to waste it trying to find out anything, other than how they are doing. My girls understand some of what is going on, but it is the boys that are having the toughest time. we went over the things today, managing not to yell, or even argue once. something we couldnt do while still together. he is finally being reasonable as it pertains to child support. we have no formal arrangements yet, but I have been voluntarily giving him about 1/2 of my check each time I get paid. i have no problems with that, if it makes sure that the kids get what they need. i did have a problem with him demanding more for awhile. We also started talking more about visitation, and he changed his mind about me not being at our oldests 'official party'

rambling here...i need to rest before work. But I feel much better now than i did several hours ago.

xoxoxoxo to all as thanks for listening to me ramble

Sarah

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 5:31:35 PM   
BlueHnS


Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		You have to change the interactions. If he says "a" and you say "b" it's going to continue to be more of whatever is going on now.You can't change him, but you can change they way you choose to interact with him.
If he's just a total jerk ( I have no way of knowing, but spent 3 days married to one of my own) you have to take back the power you gave him over your emotions. If he intentionally pushes buttons, smile. You can scream, rant, rave and kick rocks later in your own personal space. He will eventually get bored pushing buttons without getting the expected responses.
You have to give yourself permission to let go and move on. As long as you hold on to the shoulda coulda woulda's you grant him the power to be insufferable, on the off chance that what used to be might be again.
You should reconcile yourself to the fact it won't be an overnight change. sometimes you will make through a breath, minute, or day at a time. Just remember you are not only doing this for yourself but for the replications.
There may be days when you would love nothing more than to stake him to the ground, peel away a couple layer of flesh, cover him with salt and lemon juice and leave him for the wild to devour. Don't let the replications know this. They will in time learn his own shortcomings, and yours, reguardless of what either of you try to fill thier heads with.
If you lie, or mislead them, they will hate you for it, and there will be days they hate you for it even if you are honest with them. Prepare yourself for this.
I hope this rambling makes some kind of sense, and things do work out for you.



_____________________________

Questions are dangerous, for they have answers. ~ Kushiel's Dart
I think I'm going to get off. ~ The Poet

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
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RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 9:08:08 PM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		I don't know enough about this to get into the he said , she said nor do I really want to. However, I will say this if ANY man tried to tell me to get out of our (my)house in the middle of the night and expected me to leave my children behind there would be a hell of a fight and I can gaurantee someone would end up calling the cops.
 
Now if that was the case I would suggest she find a family law attorney and file for custody or visitation via the courts.
 
I would also make sure if they are living with him primarily that she begins paying childsupport(if she isn't already). The children deserve to be finacially supported by both parents just as much as they deserve to have them both in their lives. If he wont take her support for them she should set up a trust where she deposits the money. It's about the children not about them.

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to wild1cfl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Divorce and Visits - 9/18/2006 10:07:19 PM   
gardenia100


Posts: 38
Joined: 3/25/2006
Status: offline 		I do not understand why you left the way you did. I imagine that has caused lots of confusion with the kids, no warning your there then your not. You only see them at his house. Why? Take them to a park, your place where your living, when you visit with your kids unless your a danger to them you should be able to take them out and about just as you were capable of, when you lived together. Unless that is you are a danger to them, which I highly doubt, you can take them anywhere you could have legally taken them before you left. He has no rights to regulate your activities with your children unless you are putting them in danger. Think it would be easier for you and them to talk about them without being dominated any longer. He lost that right when he told you to leave. If he does it anymore, it is because you allow him to do it. It took me a couple of years to get over that, allowing my ex to dominate me.

You are a parent and you have rights to them, see an attorney as soon as possible, go to your local child support agency, in Michigan it’s the county Friend of the Court, and get it on record your rights and that your paying support. Then everyone will know you did not abandon these children. They can help with pick up and drop off times and places that are good for the kids. Not what is best for the two of you. They can help keep focus on the kids and how to divide time that is best for the kids. From my experience then the two of you can fine-tune everything but he will no longer be calling all the shots. That helped me the most, to see what they recommended, to know was I asking too much? Was I still letting him call all the shots and I just get whatever crumbs he hands out?

As far as child support, there are formulas on the web to help you figure out what is fair for you to pay. From my experience, the same formula the local agency will use. It is based on your income, his income, and what the children need, not on what he wants. I did not do that, agreed to what he wanted to pay and now I am stuck. Only a third of what the state recommended he should have paid, but I did not know because I did not seek advice from the agencies available to me, trying to work it out ourselves. Do not get stuck the other route, you can always give more after your legal obligations are covered. Just don't want to see anyone getting caught cutting off their nose in spite of their face, thinking its for the children and its just to give the ex extra cash for personal vacations. Like I said, you can always send or pay extra for club dues, clothes, just extra stuff kids need.

The main thing which is the hardest is check and recheck why your doing something, is it to get at him or to make life easier between the two of you, giving in to old habits of the D/s lifestyle you once shared or is this what is best for the kids? I admit it for a long time in my personal experiance I did what ever he wanted to make things go easier between him and I but later realized that was not what was best for the kids. They have to be the focus and work the other stuff out away from the kids. They need to know when it is their time, it is their time.

Gardenia

I would be happy to talk on the other side if you would like.

< Message edited by gardenia100 -- 9/18/2006 10:25:18 PM >

(in reply to prdslave)
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