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reality check up - 9/21/2006 12:05:43 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
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Am curious after having chatted with several Doms over the last several months about how the beginning of relationships are viewed. Perhaps i have somewhere misunderstood information and i would like to have some (gentle please) clarification. I am in a relationship now that i consider the primary at present with the potential of further committment. The committment has not been made and our agreement is that since i am not owned i may continue to search if i so choose. In fact it has been recommended and encouraged by the Dom that i continue to chat and get to know others so that if a collar is at a later date offered i will know for sure that i am able to comply with the terms of the committment. He has many years experience in the life while i am basically a newbie. In short i will have gained experience and have a better idea of who i am and what my own submission means to me and know if He is the One for me. Awareness is the idea behind the concept. We both know that it is possible that i will find another that i find to be more compatable with and will choose to leave the current relationship.

I try very hard to make this clear in intial contacts so that everyone understands the situation and can proceed with the knowledge that perhaps there will never be anything beyond chatting. Yes i know my profile indicates what i am looking for and not that i am in a relationship. Does this constitute being a "player" or just a sub looking for the best fit in a D/s relationship. I see it as the best fit and i have made some wonderful Dom Friends that view the situation in the same manner. I have however, had Doms become quite angry that i would be involved in a relationship while continuing to seek the One. They have told me that they expect me to drop this relationship to concentrate solely on them and indicate that they will expect me to obey them at the very start of the discussions.

My confusion comes from having understood that submission is a choice that as a sub i have a right to offer or not offer just as the Dom has the right to accept or reject the offer of submission. Now granted i also would think that it is acceptable and expected that should the discussions become more intimate that an exploration as to how willing one is to submit would occur and that anyone considering me would want to have this information. I am thinking however that this should only really be an issue after getting to know each other as human beings first. I can not imagine submitting to someone i do not like, respect or trust as a person. Nor can i quite understand why a Dom (sexuality aside) would wish to have submission from someone they met ten minutes ago and have no real concept of the submissive as a person.

I do not play with strangers and do not play on the first meeting (ok sure there may be an exception at some point but that is how i feel my behavior should be if for no other reason than safety). Even a first meeting is going to take awhile to work on just based upon the fact that i want to know the person first, then and only then would i feel comfortable in meeting them in person. After the initial meeting perhaps several more meetings might occur before a play date would be set.

My question is does this seem unreasonable? Am i wrong to approach meeting and committment in this manner. If so please give guidance not just a flaming response. I suspect that i am not the only newbie sub trying to make sense out of the whole get to know you situation, so i ask Doms and submissives alike to give input into how they might suggest handling such a situation. So far my response to the angry Doms has been to back away as respectfully as possible. Perhaps tho i should be reevaluating the whole situation and need to know this as well. Thanks for your responses.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 12:13:56 AM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I don't see why you are confused. You have met some Doms who accept your ground rules, and some who do not. Sounds pretty typical to me.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 1:03:42 AM

UnvailedPurpose

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I think it is important to remember your offering is of monumental value and should come with stipulations and challenges. Challenged that define the content of character, ethics integrities experiences and expertise’s. That in your quest to determine if these qualities exist and to what depth, you should indeed require of yourself interaction with the largest possible number of counterparts provided you make pristinely clear your course of action and intent.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 1:09:12 AM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
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Define submissive for yourself - unless you want someone else to do it for you.

If submissive to you means "I'll do anything for the right guy" then knock yourself out.

If submissive to you means "I need a safe word" then knock yourself out.

If submissive to you means "as a sub i have a right to offer or not offer just as the Dom has the right to accept or reject the offer of submission. "

The only way to redefine something is to explore it.

D (owner of j).

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 2:50:20 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
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greetings

i understand your new i have one conren for you? you wrote in one part of you post that you feel it is ok to play on the first meeting but you will not for safety reason only? this is dangeous you should never play on the first meet ever. you safetly is very important your will learn and i hope you do as you go alone in you search you will meet monster frog when searching for you prince and many will be dangerous and many will be okay. being new you will be told many things that look so good and sound wonderful always check and make sure you safe talk for sometime one week is not enough. even i as a domme check and do not even think of going out with someone i do not know i talk to them for some time and and i will make sure he is safe please take care

good luck
mons

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 9:10:53 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
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Your approch TO YOUR GROWTH SEEMS VERY PRUDENT AND REPSONSIBLE

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 4:02:45 PM

Frank01

Posts: 270
Joined: 9/7/2006
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Do as you see fit-until you cede that perogative to another.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 4:18:52 PM

MistressTaboo

Posts: 147
Joined: 6/10/2005
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As a Domme...I can tell you I never ask someone to play the first time we meet. I specifically meet in a vanilla situation first. Lunch, Dinner, whatever. In a PUBLIC place. If all goes well we meet a public play party. If they are a newbie I don't expect them to play at their first party. Gotta love the deer in the headlights look they get...After playing a few times in public a very select few get invited to the house for play...

Submissive doesn't mean you have to give up all rights to your personal safety...Negotiate the rules up front.

Mistress Taboo

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 4:41:22 PM

corsetgirl

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You are not confused, there are some doms who just want an instant sub only to be too eager to play with them during the first meeting, then drop them (like hit and run doms).

First of all, you are not a player because you are honest with all of these doms...you are looking to see who is compatible first before making that final commitment to collar.

Follow your instincts and standards, a real dom will meet you in public first before even initiating play, the rest will just fade away.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 4:42:16 PM

NastyDaddy

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It actually sounds as if you have a mentor. Not knowing the extent of your primary relationship, whether it involves play or just communication, it's hard to associate a poly connection to it, and would sound more of a mentor type relationship. Your approach does sound realistic, and certainly you will find those who wish to be considered singularly. If these types of dominants don't blend well into your mindset, then of course it is your choice to inform them you feel an incompatibility exists. Don't be surprised at these types of reactions, as we are all indeed quite different.

One thing to realize is that so many are searching, and their approach is often a checklist type... fit the criteria first and the person second. Others merely use the site to find likeminded people for friendships first, and potential relationships second. In that respect, your contact's expectations will vary and if you aren't on the same page of intent, you may not mix well as friends or relationship partners.

Another point to consider is the way many others may characterize their submission. The criterion for some is simply geography and convenience, while others seek a much deeper level of personal understanding of one another... while the very nature of a sought relationship (sub for play only, slave for 24/7, etc) will often define communication or influence it. It really all boils down to what works best for you and what you are most comfortable with. It also sounds as though you have the benefit of a wise mentor who's thoughts and sense of reality seem to compliment your own.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 5:20:06 PM

SirMoi

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First of all, be honest with yourself and with others. If you are not searching for 'the one' then say so. Do not appear to be searching if you are not. But if you are searching, be specific and don't compromise. It's worth the wait to find the 'right one'. Don't rush.
Secondly, make sure that you recocognize that it is you who is in control of what happens, and no one else. You do not owe anything to anyone except to yourself. Know in your heart what you want, and do not compromise.
Thirdly, if anyone tries to tell you what to do before you are ready to do it, then RUN in the other direction. You should always feel treasured and respected, even as a slave, and if you don't, then trust that little voice in your head that gives you warning messages.
And last of all, if you feel a connection to someone, even if you get wet when you think of them, still proceed with caution.
These are just a very few of my suggestions, based on many years of observing things you might not even want to know about.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 8:00:18 PM

diamonddreamlove

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Thank you to all that have given their input. It is helpful to know that i am basically on the right track. And it also helps to know that i am not being unreasonable in having ground rules and that honesty continues to be the best policy.

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RE: reality check up - 9/21/2006 8:13:10 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: diamonddreamlove

Thank you to all that have given their input. It is helpful to know that i am basically on the right track. And it also helps to know that i am not being unreasonable in having ground rules and that honesty continues to be the best policy.

What you should learn from this thread ...."Trust yourself"

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RE: reality check up - 9/22/2006 2:04:27 AM

angelwingrazor