RE: Jealousy (Full Version)

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angelic -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 7:17:35 PM)

rose,  there are reasons for your feelings.  Either he hasn't given you enough reassurance for you not to worry about others, or, he enjoys watching you squirm.  To some it's a way to control, through fear of losing them.

i am a jeolous person... i've tried very hard to overcome that part of me.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  i can tell you one thing, though... if i constantly hear about other women and it's 'paraded' in front of me, i won't waste the energy of being jeolous anymore... i'll simply, quietly walk and gently close the door behind me.



cutew -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 7:17:55 PM)

Rose,
   As many before have expressed, jealousy can come from different places, make sure you have the correct emotion.  I have had emotional reactions that came across, and made Master think I was jealous...yet this wasn't the case!  He was kind, understanding and helpful, when I had a bit of a break down, and helped me through it.  BUT he knows, such things aren't like me too, they are rare.
   The flip side is I have been on the other end of the jealousy as well, NOT with Master but my husband.  I entered the marriage being honest and open with the fact I would never be into monogamy.  He believed that paper would change me...We are separating, now...as I couldn't deal with forever explaining to him, supporting him and trying to get him to believe, I would keep coming home, I did for 7 years!  I didn't mind trying to help him over his insecurities and issues with this.  Yet in the end, he is one way, I am another...we are hoping we are better as friends verses life partners.
My concern would be the fact that you can't handle him talking to ANY other FEMALE.  What about his mother, a sister, one of your trusted friends? 
You stated that you are his slave, to do with as he wishes when he wishes...how can you give this man so much trust with, your body, mind and heart, YET question him for talking to another?
   It isn't a bash, but questions that may help you figure out WHY you react as you do, because this is the only way you can correct the problem and move on with life.  The level of jealous you have, was it earned by him, or created in your mind?  Talk to him, maybe he will stop talking to others, yet I know personally there isn't many people (Dom, sub doesn't matter) that would like the feeling of isolation that such a restriction would put on them, and I would think even more when it is inside a Master/slave relationship.
Wonderful posts here, but in the end, the relationship is yours, maybe your Master can deal with never talking to another female again, or help you over your fear, or simply do the boot. Talk to him respectfully of your fear, HONESTLY mean you don't wish to feel this way, and ask him for help to resolve the issue...But if he does the boot on the first time you talk to him, my opinion is he wasn't worth it any ways!
   



KnightofMists -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 7:22:00 PM)

you might go and read her past posts.... if you want to subject yourself to the drama.



ayasha -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 8:10:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rose442
Is there a chance for a relationship if one of the people is jealous?
I have no room for tollorance when it comes to Master talking to any other FEMALE. I don't talk to male Dom' or Female Doms and I expect to get the same respect. Everytime I write something here I get bashed. Please just give an honest opinion without bashing.
rose442


one's first reaction was to say that 'what do you mean, YOU have no tolerance for your Master talking to other females?', that is His choice and you have no say in it.  BUT......................then one thought back to the struggles this one had.  one was not secure with self, not secure in relationship with new Master, was very new to the lifestyle and really did not know anything at all. 
 
If  you have always been so jealous, then it is a problem with you.  If you are not typically jealous, then your Master and you need to figure out what is going on and how that can be changed.  Are you worried He will want to be with one of these other females, that you will be replaced?  Is this a new relationship that you are not yet secure in?  Are you allowed to be present when He is talking to these other females - or are you banned to another room (been there).  Maybe instead of being jealous, you are insecure - and Him not talking to other females will not fix that.
 
This one has come a long way over the past two years - best wishes on your journey, and keep an open mind so that you may grow. 
 



jamesthehumanrug -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 10:24:30 PM)

greetings
you are absolutely rite,in good relationships ;there is no jelousey at all;when it is there ;it is like tolerating an enemy;a pathological person who is annoying to the max ,or an embarrassment to say the least.i used to think it was fun to find someone jelous but it is no game and no fun for anyone at all.you wouldnt want to hurt the one you love by making them feel any of that anyway ;s and m or not......cuckolding w/ slave -husbands feel another thing all together and its not jelousy .i felt jelous ONCE;
then no more ....i musta' been 8 yrs old for a blue eyed baby sitter and her girlfriend ;i never forgot that feeling ;i didnt even know what the hell it was at the time;i just knew it was paralyzing to me;it never ever happened again.
you fall on your az once;you don't keep doing it;and jelousy is undignified and plain falling on your az waste of time;if you win with a jelous scene;they get even later or dump you  for the next nicest or nearest thing ;cause you're resented;so forget jelous;its too riviting;ok for movies but not real life



jamesthehumanrug -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 10:40:55 PM)

i dont know;
but tolerance for the top doing as they please is part of complete worship; and most expect it ;unless vanilla .... it is a double standard; but you can object to giving in to a filthy promiscuous person, with no precautions; giving you stds in the long run; but ;you can worship a smart top ;a well loved popular person;after all you are the 'slave';the, others have their place,too , but ,you can't love all on the same level ;so are you number one slave on the permanant agenda, if so; you cant worry about a lark, or a number two slave ,or trail of apps after your top, just dont advertize him or her, and worship ;concentrate;relish the wait;cherish their happiness ;it pays back; and keep your place forever...forget competition;there usually isnt any ;unless you want to engage with another slave....,instead of your priority top;
ie: if my top does anything ,thats fine, but, if she prefers staying ,with another, or dancing, with, another ;fine too; i will be gone too ,with another ,so don't worry ;you ,either have your place ;and, the others fall behind ,in their place ;or they deserve each other....,JUST SAY:
quote:

" NEXT ! "
ORIGINAL: rose442

Is there a chance for a relationship if one of the people is jealous?
 
I have no room for tollorance when it comes to Master talking to any other FEMALE. I don't talk to male Dom' or Female Doms and I expect to get the same respect. Everytime I write something here I get bashed. Please just give an honest opinion without bashing.

rose442



Owned1 -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 11:09:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rose442

Is there a chance for a relationship if one of the people is jealous?
 
I have no room for tollorance when it comes to Master talking to any other FEMALE. I don't talk to male Dom' or Female Doms and I expect to get the same respect. Everytime I write something here I get bashed. Please just give an honest opinion without bashing.

No


Owned
rose442



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Jealousy (9/22/2006 11:29:06 PM)

FR

I must admit that I simply do not understand jealousy in most of its incarnations.

Porn, ex's, random hot chicks- those all seem to be mortal enemies of "the current girl."

Why do women truly get so upset and heated over such things?  I get annoyed if my boy spends hours looking at porn and gets off ONLY if it means he wasn't getting his priority work done OR if it means he can't perform as well for me later.  It's porn!  It's hot to people, and it means nothing about myself.

Exs?  Unless we're talking clingy psycho type ex's, what's the problem?  YOU Obviously want to be with this guy, is it so impossible to think beyond your bubble that OTHER people may have wanted to be with him in the past as well?  Do you think so little of him that you think he would cheat on you with an ex?  Aren't you proud of the ex's good taste?  Aren't you grateful they are ex's? 

When my partner visited last weekend he saw a picture of my other partner and his ex-wife was sitting on one of the shelves and said he was surprised I allowed him to do that.  I quickly and sternly let him know that *I* was the one who had placed it there, that my partner's wife had been a very special and important part of his life for a lot longer than we've been together and that they still respect and care for eachother very much.  How could I expect him to just act like that never happened or disrespect his past so much by banishing it?

I'm not saying I never get jealous- I do.  I get the insecure twinges that make me want to rush up and prove myself or tear him away from something.  But I DON'T.  Those are my fears speaking to me and they only have power as much as I allow it.  They are adults, people I love, respect, and trust.  Allowing my fears to bleed into their lives would be completely wrong for me.

I'm also not saying that guys aren't crap sometimes- some DO get addicted to porn, some DO spend more time with their IM women than their at home wives, and plenty certainly DO cheat.  But for heavens sake, let there be a basis in a particular relationship before going off the deep end and making it a crime to have normal adult relationships with other people.



pleasetame -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 3:25:40 AM)

Lucky Albatross, I would add one thing, if she is feeling this insecure then maybe it is time to walk away. I wondered if she was jealous of people or jealous of time he isnt spending or communicating with her. I tend to get upset by the latter.

pleasetame
________________________________________
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. ...but how long do you tolerate stupidity.




SirLordTrainer -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 3:42:35 AM)

Being your not poly perhaps you have a right to be jealous, perhaps you dont. Try telling him your feelings. If that doesnt work then maybe you should reconsider the power exchange your in. IMO such issues should be dealt with prior to any forming of a relationship, poly or otherwise. Personally, I have no time or room for jealousy in My realm and in My view it can and WILL destroy a relationship.



OhReallyNow -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 5:22:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rose442

Is there a chance for a relationship if one of the people is jealous?
 
I have no room for tollorance when it comes to Master talking to any other FEMALE. I don't talk to male Dom' or Female Doms and I expect to get the same respect. Everytime I write something here I get bashed. Please just give an honest opinion without bashing.

rose442

speaking only from this slave's viewpoint and perspective
 
if Master wishes to talk to other females, that is his choice, this slave does NOT tell him what he can and can not do. On that same note, Master does NOT allow this slave to talk/chat with other Dominant's or Master's.
 
this is the way our relationship works though, and this slave is quite happy with it. She is not sure of the agreements that you and your Master have within your own relationship so she can not answer fully the question that you posed.



MCandNuri -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 6:43:55 AM)

It is my firm belief that jealousy really has no place in ANY relationship. I can understand it in a new relationship, where the ground's not so firm, but in an established one? Nah.
In any relationship, trust is an important factor- but one where it's a power-play situation? Even moreso.
However, I don't think its nessecarily a DOOMED situation, I think it's just something you have to grow past. I think that there is an element of give and take- not to the point of enableing what is, in fact incredibly unhealthy behavior, but delving a bit more deeply into it and understanding why. And then, you go from there and try to see if you can't establish better trust.
A hard line, "NO YOU CANNOT TALK TO ANY OTHER..." is pretty unhealthy, in my opinion. Just because I talk to another top/Dom/Domme/whatever, does not mean I want to screw them. The implication that I would, I think, would be pretty insulting to me and quite hurtful.






stockingluvr54 -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 8:48:39 AM)

in my case...if I can trust I'm not a real jealous type. After being shit on a few times though....it seems my trust has to be earned over time now so the jealousy thing is more prominent in the begining? Self esteem/trust is also down abit because of 2 failed relationships back to back....which both gals cheated and of course I didn't even see it comming because I trusted. My insecurity is also higher now...but at least I'm aware of it? It's a vicious cycle in my case. Trust and jealousy go hand in hand.... imho. It all boils down to respect? If a person respects the other enough they would discuss any problems before anyone strayed? After some discussion and a split is in the cards then both parties leave the relationship with some mutual respect for each other and probably remain great friends even though things didn't work out....??



amayos -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 9:46:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rose442

Is there a chance for a relationship if one of the people is jealous?

I have no room for tollorance when it comes to Master talking to any other FEMALE. I don't talk to male Dom' or Female Doms and I expect to get the same respect. Everytime I write something here I get bashed. Please just give an honest opinion without bashing.



"Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive."
— Havelock Ellis



Sinergy -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 10:14:08 AM)

Hello A/all,

My second submissive was jealous to the point of what I considered insanity.  At one point I was chatting with two lesbians in a D/s relationship regarding their newness and giving them some
ideas to try.

I got the "You are talking to other women" rant.  Im thinking "How can duct tape solve this problem."

We broke up a month later.  She was married to somebody else two weeks after that happened.

Methinks milady doth protest too much.

Just me, etc.

Sinergy



LancelotFL -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 2:22:03 PM)

Experience has shown me time and again that jealousy always results from a lack of communication.

Gaps in information eventually get filled in from imagination. If the Dom is talking to other subs, and his sub doesn't understand the purpose, and the lack of relationship risk, she might eventually begin to believe he's unhappy with her and seeking a replacement.

Is it worth waiting until the relationship is totally damaged before addressing the problem? Is it worthwhile for the sub to ask for frank and open discussion on an important subject? The answer depends on how badly she wants the relationship to continue.

Best regards,
Michael



Celeste43 -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 2:29:21 PM)

I'm insecure. I need to be more important to him than anyone else. So if we go to a party and he were to dance with everyone else and flirt with everyone else but go home with me, I would be unhappy. Basically, I would expect that I would dance with the one that brought me. If he were to ignore me in favor of everyone else knowing I needed his attention and yet still expect me to accept this simply because he went home with me, then I wouldn't be compatible.

Now that's a lot different than talking to a friend or coworker about a nonpersonal subject. IE; how's the kitchen remodeling going, how is your daughter doing in her first year of college, have you decided on a new car yet. As long as he didn't go off one on one deliberately excluding me and as long as he didn't spend the entire night talking to others.



juliaoceania -> RE: Jealousy (9/23/2006 3:47:42 PM)

Jealousy is an emotion like any other emotion, it is what we do about that emotion that is destructive. I would call trying to control what your master does "destructive". If you have that level of insecurity about the relationship it might be because 1) you live in fear someone will be better than you or 2) he has given you reason to be jealous. If he has been dishonest with you, expressed a lot of dissatisfaction with your relationship, or flirted with others in an inappropriate way your jealousy may have legitimate roots.

I think jealousy having legitimate roots is overlooked often in the discussion of this emotion... sometimes people actually screw around on you, and if your intuition is telling you this it very well might be true. I was very secure with my exhusband for the first couple of years we were married, but when he had an affair, I just knew it. It took me 6 months to get him to admit it, but I knew it in my heart. I called around for him all the time, I wanted to know where he was every second.. I just "knew"...and I was right. I think this is often overlooked by people. That old saying, if you think someone is messing around on you, well they probably are. Private detectives even say that over 90% of the time people that hire them to spy on a spouse are dead on right.

That being said, if unfounded jealousy is in your nature, well you cannot count on your "gut" to know if what you are feeling is real or not. I do not think it is healthy for either a sub or a dom to be kept from talking to others. I can respond to emails the way I see fit, he does not isolate me from friendships with others that are nonsexual. I receive friendly emails from doms, and I respond in kind, some of them that write on this board. It is only about what I write and completely above board... and if I felt it was more I would not respond.. he trusts me.

I will say I am jealous sometimes. I acknowledge that I am jealous and I do nothing about it. I may discuss how I feel because it is not  a monster in the closet that grows into something ugly. I think it is fairly normal to feel jealous. It crosses the line when you start controlling someone else because of how you feel.



DivaDuchess -> RE: Jealousy (9/30/2006 8:06:24 PM)

Have you tried to pinpoint WHY you are feeling that particular bundle of emotions?  Perhaps you are not getting the degree of attention you seem to need.  In any event I would try to find a reason why you seem determined to dictate who an adult can talk to based on those insecurities before the whole thing goes right down the tubes.  Also consider that you don't have the 'right' to dictate who he talks to.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Jealousy (9/30/2006 8:47:24 PM)

Well let me ask you something, how do you like it when some one you love and have built up a trust with cant and wont trust you? always questions you? has temper tantrums when you are just being you? and even falsely accuses you?
 
not a nice feeling right? right.
 
so a person who chooses a relationship where they are subjecting themselves to a constant barrage of not nice feelings is choosing to  damage themselves, emotional and mentally....
 
would you agree that it is pretty fucked up thing for you to want them to subject themselves to a constant barrage of not nice feelings?
 
not nice feelings breed more not nice feelings, and soon every one is pretty darn miserable, all because one of the two made the choice not grow up, and become personally responsible for their own emotional wellbeing and emotional health.
 
 
 
 



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