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Self Improvement - 9/23/2006 5:09:51 AM

aleshaDreams

Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
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At the will of improving yourself as a person in whole we constantly have the wheels of motion within our minds turning to find ways to self improvement. I was wondering if people actually make an attempt to speak to ones that come into their lives and upon departure such as relationship breakdowns, ask the other of their downfalls and qualities that have turned the other away from them. I would think that regardless the view from the outside sometimes does have some value to the inside, and sometimes we have a blind eye to our negative or not so attractive qualities and rationize those with logic such as 'well if you don't like me the way i am then.....' (i am sure that is a list of excuses that can go on forever). But it strikes me as odd that after spending some time with someone, that there seems to be a lack of reflection on how the other has viewed you and what where issues that brought failure or nonsucess to the relationships advancement.

I would think that for Dominants it would be essential growth, to learn from mistakes or ways You could have handled Yourselves better in given situations, and for the submissives and slaves areas they can work on to be better in longrun as submissives or slaves. Surely a break up does not have to mean, 'we are no longer together, i don't give a flying rats @ss f@ck where or what happens in your life"; after all there was time invested initially, surely a few words of advice upon departure could not hurt in the longrun (operative word longrun after tempers and emotions have settled, and egos deflated).

Just courious on viewpoints on this matter, i am sure many responses will be a reflection of self preservation and maturity.

Thanks in advance for Y.your feedback.

< Message edited by aleshaDreams -- 9/23/2006 5:10:31 AM >

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RE: Self Improvement - 9/23/2006 6:15:35 AM

midnyt

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/27/2006
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i would hope that those negitives would be brought up before the relationship failed. sometimes we are not always aware of our negitive qualitys and behavior i would hope that anyone taking the time and energy spent on building a relationship or bond would be honest enough to gentaly bring those negitives to our attention before evrything fell apart. honesty is the foundation of any and all relationships. if you dont have a foundation how do you build a solid home?
it wouldnt be right to not speak of the negitives and then just end the relationship without giving the other person involved a chance to fix or make self improvements. that would leave one confused as to why things didnt work out and then your left with a feeling of what the f**k, why didnt you tell me. i could have worked on that!
well i could be wrong but this is just how i see it.
~midnyt~

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RE: Self Improvement - 9/23/2006 7:26:07 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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If there are difficulties, they need to be brought up before the relationship ends. Expecting the other person to change in order to make you happy will almost always make you unhappy (because change is very hard and thus unlikely). If you find that you can't be in a relationship with someone who is behaving in a specific manner, it's not a matter of getting that person to change. It's a matter of evaluating yourself and really looking at what you're willing or not willing to do in order to maintain the relationship. Can you change yourself so that you accept your partner just the way they are? What are you willing to give up in order to maintain the relationship? For some, they'll do a lot...for others, they'll do very little. Sometimes, it's wise to back away from the harmful behavior.

However, if someone comes to you and says that a certain behavior is hurting them, we do have to analyse said behavior. Is this something that we can change? Are we willing to change it in order to fulfill our partners? Sometimes, the answer will be yes, sometimes no. But, demanding that your partner to do this might be expecting too much.

Sometimes, it's not our negatives that end a relationship and its not anyone's "fault". Sometimes, we simply move apart or outgrow.

Master Fire

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RE: Self Improvement - 9/23/2006 1:45:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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What Fire said (cuz what she said was way better than what I could have said)

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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RE: Self Improvement - 9/23/2006 2:20:23 PM

Celeste43

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Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I'm not sure that constantly seeking personal growth is essential or healthy. After a certain age, knowing yourself and accepting yourself fully seems more important. At that point, feedback as to why one relationship failed from the other's pov is more akin to me denying myself and trying to change my core for someone else. Just isn't going to work.

What's more important is being sure in and of myself what I need and what I will not tolerate. In other words, compatibility in the areas that I find important, not that someone else does.

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