Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Limits?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Limits? Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Limits? - 9/23/2006 7:12:51 AM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline 		I'm new- der, look at the tagline.
I'm kind of reading around the posts and getting a feel for the site BUT I did have some questions.
We're trying to revamp our 24/7 relationship after pregnancy/post partum. It's not easy, that's for sure. However, recently, I pointed out that the 'No Rules' way we were going about things, just wasn't working out for me.
How do some of you top/dom/domme/etc's manage things? do you have a list of hard/fast rules and the consequences of NOT obeying? Is it just understood?
As for the reverse- how do you find you are the best bottom/sub/slave/etc? What types of things really help you in this?
I personally feel like I need these things- you know, a list of what I'm to do, while I am at home, during the day and a full on knowledge of what will happen should I choose to not do these things.
M. wasn't big on 'rules'- he was more of a 'just be respectful', but then, I pointed out to him that I flower and excell when given these sorts of guidelines. So, that's where we're at, things we're working on. I tend to go more the way of wild-animal made pet, so, structure is a must.
I'm not sure how I feel about honorariums, however, he likes to be called "Sir", so, that might be one of the things we work on. I am not so keen on the 'talking in the third person' bit, and thankfully, he agrees.
However...where it comes a little more tricky- is this. In the beginning, I was always of the mindset that there were a few things I just DID NOT want. I always thought that humiliation/scat/ that sort of thing was just 'gross'- however, a recent experience where he had me kneeling on a REALLY nasty floor that my dog had taken to using as a toilet made me think. (She's old- so her control isn't so good and it had been swept and the actual poo picked up, but I was just about to wash it when on a lunch break impulse, we played in there)
I was so turned on by his forcing me down onto that- not the poo smell or the pee smell, but the fact that he had NO reguard for the fact that it was just gross to me, that it was all about him- that it made me wonder.
In the beginning I was also opposed to the idea of bit gags- that's another thing we played with and I discovered, no, it wasn't the 'bit gag' that turned me on, but the intensity of the all out loss of control. (I was also hog tied, so it went further)
We've been in a relationship for quite some time, so the trust is there- but I wonder about these things. I LOVE the potential for growth.
I have a few things I still feel are just 'ew', but, I've come to a point now, where I feel like, we can try most things. I still get freaked out by the suspension and the bit gag- but it's really what ices the cake for me, if that makes sense.
So, I guess my question there, would be, how do you feel about limitations? In a long term relationship, how important are the 'safe words', the limits, etc?
I enjoy these things with him because though I don't feel safe on the surface, somewhere in the back of my mind, I know he won't go too far.
He's actually proven it several times, when things got too intense for me, by stopping, helping with a cool-down, etc- so, I mean, I feel like we've grown into things quite nicely. We aren't big on the 'safe words', but he does take cues from my reactions to things- though admittedly, sometimes that ends what I want to continue.
What are some ways, when just completely bound, gagged, etc, one can express the desire to stop, or the desire to go on?
Anyway, thanks in advance for reading my long windedness, and any advice you may have. :-)

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 7:30:09 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		You have communication, you have growth, and you both are learning things about your own selves and about each other.
Sounds like a loving happy relationship.
Relax and enjoy it!!

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 7:40:34 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I have my slaves give me hard limit lists and harm lists. A hard limits list is a list of things they simply do not want to do. A harm list is a list of things that would cause them damage, usually psychologically. Sometimes, there will be items on the hard limit list that I will push and sometimes these things will fade as trust is developed. I also have the option of doing items on the harm list, with the knowledge that I will have damaged goods afterward. I don't mess with these because I care about my slaves and thus, I don't want damaged goods. The slaves can always say no (disobey), but they understand that there are consesquences for disobedience. We are assuming here that since they want to serve me, they understand that pushing of these limits can happen.

For example, my girl put being pierced on her hard limit list. Both of us being spiritual SM people, I pushed this limit. I felt it was important for her to go through this ritual. I only requested that she accept one piercing. Because she wanted to surrender and obey, to work on this limit for me, as well as her need for symmetry, she requested two. I pushed again, later, at the Dance of Souls (SWLC) and allowed her to choose from the variety of piercings available. she chose a cheek spear. Now, she is considering, on her own, to participate in the piercing again this year. We are both happy with these results. Again, I pushed these limits because she agreed that, while she didn't want to do them, she would in order to be obedient.

As far as a "no limit" relationship, in the end, what looks like or feels like a "no limits" is merely one in which the two have agreed that their limits are the same.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 7:43:22 AM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline 		I REALLY love the idea that there are others who view it in a 'spiritual' sense.
I also really like the way you've outlined it- it's very similar to how I hope we will evolve.
I don't really have much to say apart from that, but I wanted to let you know. :-)



_____________________________

You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 9:54:28 AM   
buffiy


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		it sounds like Yyou have a very healthy and growing relationship MCandNuri ~smiles~
congratulations!  As to your questions, one would respond thus:
Hard limits are to this mind, things she wont do for Anyone  period. That includes those things she considers highly immoral (eg. children), and those things which are medical issues (eg. intense rubber/latex allergies).  Now one must say that she has not heard before of a 'harms list' which Master Fire put forth - that sounds like buffy's 'hard limit' list sort-of-thing.... whereas Master Fire's 'hard limit' thing is what buffy calls her 'soft limit' thing.... it is truly all a matter of definition/semantics on that.
one also agrees with Master Fire on the idea that a 'no limits' relationship is one where Bboth simply have the same 'limits'....so in the end, perhaps it all comes down to a matter of 'best fit' between Dominant and submissive. Sounds like Yyou have that MCandNuri!
good post and one has enjoyed reading it.
respectfully,
buffy

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 10:02:39 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		In my training contract -- which becomes the foundation for any ownership that develops from that -- I list out my basic rules, expectations, rituals, etc.

I learned the hard way that the only good rules are those that are part of me and thus are things I can expect and enforce without fail and at all time. Anything else sends a message of inconsistancy and I personally think that is one of the killers of 24/7 relationships.

Better to have a few rules you will enforce and which flow smoothly in your lives than to have eleborate rules that can be forgotten or overlooked when the mundane necessities rear up as they always do.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 10:33:28 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Things that send me into panic or anxiety attacks are hard limits. Humiliation puts an emotional wall between us which isn't good for the relationship so he doesn't choose to do that as he wants emotional transparency instead. Physical stuff just is and you learn to deal with it.

I don't know how I signify that all's good when bound and gagged, but I imagine that me moaning and purring with no muscle tension is part of it. When things go bad I tighten up and my body becomes rigid which he can easily read. For a safeword when bound and gagged I open and close my hands rapidly, then he'll remove the gag and ask what's wrong. If it's just one hand slowly, then he knows that wrist is getting numb.

Even if gagged, you could grunt three times in a row. You could hold something that would make noise when dropped like a bell or keys or a clicker. I wouldn't like that as I feel better when I've got my hand wrapped around some of the rope but others do. And gagged or not, he can tell when I've burst into tears and am sobbing hysterically.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 10:46:08 AM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Things that send me into panic or anxiety attacks are hard limits. Humiliation puts an emotional wall between us which isn't good for the relationship so he doesn't choose to do that as he wants emotional transparency instead. Physical stuff just is and you learn to deal with it.

I don't know how I signify that all's good when bound and gagged, but I imagine that me moaning and purring with no muscle tension is part of it. When things go bad I tighten up and my body becomes rigid which he can easily read. For a safeword when bound and gagged I open and close my hands rapidly, then he'll remove the gag and ask what's wrong. If it's just one hand slowly, then he knows that wrist is getting numb.

Even if gagged, you could grunt three times in a row. You could hold something that would make noise when dropped like a bell or keys or a clicker. I wouldn't like that as I feel better when I've got my hand wrapped around some of the rope but others do. And gagged or not, he can tell when I've burst into tears and am sobbing hysterically.


Great ideas here for communication from the sub while bound and gagged. One thing that has worked very well for me is a squeaky toy taped to the hand.  It's most helpful in longterm bondage situations but might also work during regular play to communicate.  Being taped insures the toy won't accidentally fall out.  The loudness of the toy can vary to suit the purpose. 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 10:58:43 AM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline 		he can tell when I've burst into tears and am sobbing hysterically

See, though, those are the moments I actually want.
I'm not sure how to explain this, apart from saying it is a release that for whatever reason, I have a mental block against, when not in those types of situations. (ie: it's very hard for me to just 'let go' and cry in most situations that have people bawling- so for me, this is very therapuedic)
The problem is not so much the 'letting him know when it's too much', the problem is letting him know he can continue. The squeaky toy seems like a pretty good idea- I'll have to find another manner of doing that, however- I have a boston terrier who is OBSESSED with squeak toys and the slightest 'eek' sends her into a frenzy. While being abused by a terrier may be some people's cup of tea- it's not really mine. ;-)




_____________________________

You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 2:09:13 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		And I love your signature! My lover strongly identifies with Coyote.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 2:11:09 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MCandNuri

he can tell when I've burst into tears and am sobbing hysterically

See, though, those are the moments I actually want.
I'm not sure how to explain this, apart from saying it is a release that for whatever reason...


This is a cathartic release. For many people, it comes with tears, for some, its animalistic, for others, laughter. This is what I feel is the spirituality of what we do.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 2:53:15 PM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline 		;-) It's a therianthrope thing, with me.
Just how I roll.
As to the 'release'- it's all of the above, for me. I have difficulty expressing emotions, and that's something I've found that helps me 'get it all out' so to speak.


_____________________________

You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 3:06:03 PM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		just my two cents, i had a contract also that stated the general guidelines of the relationship. there werent any specific hard limits, but He knew what would skuick me. i think i used to have a safe word? lol i cant even remember it anymore, and He has also pushed my limits from what i origionally thought i would be participating in. its just a nice thing to know youve grown like that.

_____________________________


"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"


(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 5:15:06 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Sir asked me several weeks ago what are your hard limits.  I looked at Him puzzled and said You already know them.  His answer was name them.  When i listed them He looked sadly at me and said when You trust me fully there will be no hard limits because you will know i will not allow you to be harmed.  He is right, He knows me well. LOL sometimes i think He knows me too well.  Along with that knowledge He has helped me motivate lately when i was stuck (my vanilla husband died suddenly) unable to move forward by helping me make a list that i was to have done by a certain date.  Until He gave me the list i felt immobile and totally unable to do the things i needed to do.  Now when things get out of control for me He is there with a new list.  And i feel awsome and complete when i am able to finish the list knowing i am not only getting things done but pleasing Him as well.

diamond 

< Message edited by diamonddreamlove -- 9/23/2006 5:17:28 PM >

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Limits? - 9/23/2006 5:22:22 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		My boy and I are still working on finding his limits.  Since he has had very limited experience before me, and that experience wasnt the best of, we are learning as we go. He does know tat there wil be consequences for disobeying. Tey arent set in stone, they vary on the severity of the offense.  He has ot yet merited a punishement, so he still has no idea what might happen.  As to everything else, as we go, we find things he is not yet comfortable enough to do.  Since we still have a very young relationship (he has been mine overal for just over 6 months and going on near a week collared)  I am more than happy to allow him to find himself. He serves without hesitation, there are just some acts that cause more discomfort for him than they do pleasure for me. Those I dont mind removing from his list of things to do.  There are others he wil have to get over, and he has been told as much. Once I am closer by, things wil be drasticaly different, but for now since he is a distance trained pet, he has a lot more leeway and a few months to get used to the fact tat tehre are things he wil not be 100% comfortable with.
As Diamond's Master said, once he completely trusts me, there wil be no more limits.  That wil come in time, so for now I am happy to alow him to serve to the best of his abilities as I mold him more to what I want long term.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Limits? - 9/30/2006 7:01:57 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		In our home, there are specific duties for the domestic slave to accomplish by dinner/supper time.  The household slave does duties beginning with dinner until dark time.  Both positions serve in physical manners as well, both Master and Myself.  I am their primary Owner and Trainer.  With the duties, comes the responsibility for carrying out any other demand, domestic or otherwise I make.  If they do not obey or are insolent for whatever reason ... I have a list of punishments to fit each infraction.  I know it sounds a bit extreme, but it works for Our house.  It gives the slave(s) purpose and focus ... discipline.  It also gives them a sense of accomplishment and worth, value.

I love to see the expression on their faces when I smack them with the paddle until they scream, then ... soothe them and ask what they learned from the feeling.  I had one that was so opposed to showing emotion, it was frustrating.  She was like a block of ice.  I tied her to the 'chair' with my favorite toy up the back door for about an hour for calling my sister a rather nasty name under her breath (deserved or not).  Then untied her knelt her down and used the paddle, one hit for every years she's been alive.  The silly slave told me she loved me and it was the first time she had ever cried.  It was such a wonderful, mind blowing experience.  The whole time I was watching her closely ... she knew I would NEVER do real damage to her.  That session, proved it to her above anything else I had ever done.

Of all of the ones I've trained, she was my favorite.  her current Master is very blessed to have her and He knows it *lol*.

Now if I can manage one or two for My house ... that would be even better.  I'm so done training for a time *giggles*.




_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 16
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Limits? Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109