RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 10:41:12 AM

subtlenuance

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline

I first want to thank all of you who replied and shared your insights. I appreciate being able to get out of my own head and find some objectivity. I should have mentioned that this is not an online relationship. It's r/t and not something I entered into lightly. When confronted, he asked for forgiveness and a second chance, assuring me it wouldn't happen again and if he felt the need to seek others he would tell me first. I am on the fence, for different reasons. I really care for this person and what flows between us. Am I naive and ignorant if I choose to believe in him? Do I have my head up my a**? This sub's little head is spinning. I know one thing for certain, the advice and suggestions you all have shared are most likely the same I'd give to a friend in a similar situation.
Thanks again everyone.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 21

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 10:54:47 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

General statement to ponder:

Some people use D/s BDSM as a lifestyle, while others use it as an "excuse"

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 22

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 11:32:00 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlenuance

I never thought I would be posting something like this, but my need to understand outweighs my my pride and how humiliating this is. I have recently discovered that my Master has rewarded my devotion and commitment to him and our relationship, with multiple Collarme accounts and personas, seeking subs and sub couples. Apparently this has been ongoing, during the entire relationship. We were mutually monogamous and exclusive; something we were both seeking when we met and agreed upon when we committed to one another. I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. All I asked for in return is complete honesty. He consistently reassured me I was safe, secure and protected by him, and that he was completely happy. Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. I returned from a week away, after a death in the family, to find my Master had used that time to create another CM account in pursuit of others. I realize that this may seem ridiculous, naive and inconsequential to some. However, this was my first significant relationship as a result of joining CM, and it has really shaken me. If anyone can share an objective and helpful insight or perspective, I would appreciate it. Please be assured my question about this possibly being a Dominant tendency isn't intended to be offensive or disrespectul.
Thank you.

I question how it is that you came about this information? Did he tell you about the accounts or did you find them on his computer? Unlike my fellow posters on this thread, I do not believe that ends justifies the means. I agree that the trust in the relationship is most likely irreparable. I just don't think it's for the reasons that people are being lead to believe and would rather ask questions then light a torch with all the other villagers.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 23

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 11:34:25 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

People who have multiple accounts are best avoided, it is about as big a red flag as there is, the only one bigger is bits and peices of ex lovers stored in the freezer.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 24

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 12:16:28 PM

subtlenuance

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline

I found the accounts and subtlely let him know that I did. When I did that he admitted everything to me.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 25

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 1:40:42 PM

wild1cfl

Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

In my humble opinion this relationship is not irrepairable. He has confessed to you and agrees to let you know if he has these feelings again. Because you have time invested as well as your emotions you wnt to try and make it work. Hopefully he wants to ry and do the same. You will know soon enough.Do not blindly accept his willingness to change, keep him on his toes, let him know that you are watching everything that he is doing and that the reason you are is because he has already abised your trust. Eventually he will either give up or he will realize how he hurt you and your relationship and he will decide to giveyou the respect you deserve in the relationship.

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 26

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 2:09:24 PM

gretchenS

Posts: 237
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

Steve (Voltare) here,

So, there's a few issues here. Amayos is pretty on target, the desire for men to seek out more than one female is genetically hardwired. However, so is our instinct to kill when we are angry, and take whatever we desire. Murder and theft may be our natures, but they don't make for a very functional society.

Many people consider the desire for multiple partners or romance a 'need.' Personally, I don't. It ranks up there with a desire to smoke, drink beer, have sex, or listen to country music. All of these activities can be addictive, and a person with these addictions might feel these are 'necessities' but clearly they are not. Necessities are eating, sleeping, shelter, medical care, and appropriate clothing for the weather. Failing to care for these needs will result in death. Smoking, alcohol, sex, or music may make life more enjoyable, but are hardly a requirement.

So, if sex is not a need, than it must be addressed as a desire, just like any other desire. Now, we all make mistakes - it's only part of being human. When we hurt those we love, it can really make life difficult, and the importance of trust (and the difficulty of repairing it) has already been addressed.

It's up to you to decide if you wish to continue the relationship or not, but keep in mind that if you really have a hard time seeing yourself fully trusting again, you would do both yourself and your Dom a favor by brining the relationship to an end. I don't think the issue of his seeking other subs is nearly as alarming as the fact that (as you mentioned) lied numerous times about his own well being. Odds are that he wasn't just lying to you, but to himself about how he feels. This sort of self-denial can be linked to poor self-esteem, depression, or other psychological problems, and isn't likely to go away overnight. The seeking of other relationships probably has nothing to do with a desire for more than one sub, but more likely to be linked to a desire to escape his real life situation, by living out fantasy relationships online. The chatting and emails with other subs might never have resulted in a real life encounter, as he was likely seeking only virtual interaction to replace an unfulfilling life. This doesn't mean there is anything at all wrong with you as a person, submissive, or lover, but reflects deeper issues that he seems unwilling to confront.

Or, maybe he's just a Horney Net Geek, and can't help himself. Obviously, we're grasping at straws, because you don't really tell us anything about him. Anyway, best of luck to you, no matter what you choose.

Stephan & gretchen

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 27

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 2:47:16 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

I dont know I wouldnt advise going back to him because while people are focusing on the dishonesty he did more then that... He went back on what he promised you changeing the rules in the middle he was dishonest by getting a new acount dishonest about how he felt in not telling you he wanted to look for another even though you had said you wanted him too... I dont know, i trust my Master with my life we have no limits part of that trust is because he has never ever lied to me not even about the silliest of things and he expects the same from me, I could not trust Master to do what he does to my body if he did what you Master did to you. There is a need for trust in all relationships but in BDSM it is extra importent. You deserve better and he well I wouldnt even call him a Dom to tell you the truth but he deserves what he gets!!! If he lied about this who knows what els he isnt beeing honest about.. while he "Came clean" when you confrunted him I doubt he ever would have been honest about it if you hadnt found it out.. I mean yeah sure he came clean what els could he do add more lies you arent stupid comeing clean was the best way out for him as you had found his new accounts... You said he has been doing this through your entire relationship (if I read correctly) That means he has NEVER been honest with you!!! I dont know but you know whaat they say. If it walks like a duck.........

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to gretchenS)

Post #: 28

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 3:18:54 PM

Frank01

Posts: 270
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline

It's a "horn dog" quality, not a Dominant one.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 29

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 3:23:43 PM

MASTERRocker

Posts: 277
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Kitchener-Waterloo, ON
Status: offline

Oftentimes it is not about the 'pursuit'; but more of family rendering. You start out with one very good slave ; and overtime she tells friends, co-workers etc.. and it builds. It is her enthusiasm and participation to share what she has discovered and enjoying that forms a network.....

(in reply to Frank01)

Post #: 30

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 3:29:25 PM

innatedesire

Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

I am so sorry! How awful to deal with a death and then this on top of it all. I know many will say leave but listen to your gut. Always trust your instincts, if you feel this can be worked out then do so. If you feel that you will always be wondering if he is being honest with you then perhaps it is time to do some soul searching, only you will know what is right for you but no matter what your decision you can always look here for support as everyone here seems to do a wonderful job of that!!!
I agree with everyone that lifestyle preferances has nothing to do with it..........A lie is a lie is a lie and that is never a good thing, unfortunately for those that are not honest I do not think they stop to think about how devastating a lie is to a relationship.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 31

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 4:39:04 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlenuance

I found the accounts and subtlely let him know that I did. When I did that he admitted everything to me.

I presume you found them on his computer. I say your best bet is to just split with for a couple of reasons that you have stated.

He seems desperate to hang on to you. In being such, the dynamic has reversed (if he ever really was in control) making you the dominant. To me, and this is just me, that is a weakness and you are exploiting it if you continue as many others advise.
You "found" these accounts on his computer. This implies you were looking through his computer, making you no better then he on the trust issue.

I truely don't see this ending well if you continue it. Like Steve (Voltare) has stated, you should end this relationship for both your sakes.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 32

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 5:12:22 PM

Invictus754

Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlenuance
I first want to thank all of you who replied and shared your insights. I appreciate being able to get out of my own head and find some objectivity. I should have mentioned that this is not an online relationship. It's r/t and not something I entered into lightly. When confronted, he asked for forgiveness and a second chance, assuring me it wouldn't happen again and if he felt the need to seek others he would tell me first. I am on the fence, for different reasons. I really care for this person and what flows between us. Am I naive and ignorant if I choose to believe in him? Do I have my head up my a**? This sub's little head is spinning. I know one thing for certain, the advice and suggestions you all have shared are most likely the same I'd give to a friend in a similar situation. Thanks again everyone.

you have been given the one chance to make everything work for both of you.

That is important enough that I wish to repeat it: you have been given the one chance to make everything work for both of you.

First - you are one in a million. Why? How many women - 'nilla or lifestyle - will give a man the opportunity to look for others, while smiling and holding his hand for encouragement even if his fulfillment does not include you? And because of this, how many men will really believe that it is true?

Yes, he crossed the line but I think that it may be because the truth is so far from what is normally encountered he just can't believe it. How many men get poked, chided or yelled at for just LOOKING at another woman...but you are telling him that as long as he tells you about it, you are ok with it? Almost everything he encounters daily tells him otherwise. (And all the condemning remarks here prove my point.)

So, back to my first statement. Focus on what you said - "...[ I ] have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me." You now have the golden opportunity to show him you meant this - if you truly did. I was told the same thing once, only to be met with tears and screaming when I said that I would like to look elsewhere to have a need fulfilled that was lying dormant. Maybe if I had done it in the first months of the relationship, it would have been different - maybe I waited too long and the offer expired? Anyway, everything points to the fact that your offer was TGTBT (too good to be true). Show him it was what you meant, and you will most likely be rewarded for life.

In the event that he breaks your trust again, then you kick his ass to the curb. But don't listen to most of this 'get rid of him' stuff. you can always stop the relationship...but you only have this one chance to make sure it was the right decision to end it.

IMHO,
Invictus

< Message edited by Invictus754 -- 9/25/2006 5:15:33 PM >

_____________________________

You never know your limits, until you push them
If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 33

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 5:24:59 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

slave bishop(lives in) is the only slave I have.I would like to add a 'worm' slave at some point,but for now I have what works.
I do however have the need to have multiple submissives(dont live in).
Its like the potato chips one is never enough....

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 34

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 6:22:15 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

If you love him, give him another chance, but, honestly, I think the dynamic between you two is destroyed forever. Making a mistake is one thing--everyone makes mistakes--but the image of a dom begging his sub for a second chance strikes me as one of those beyond-repair situations.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlenuance

When confronted, he asked for forgiveness and a second chance, assuring me it wouldn't happen again and if he felt the need to seek others he would tell me first. I am on the fence, for different reasons. I really care for this person and what flows between us. Am I naive and ignorant if I choose to believe in him? Do I have my head up my a**?

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 35

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 7:11:38 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I highly recommend an extended break.
You have just buried a family member, and therefore, may not be thinking as clearly as you normally would.
You are needier than normal.
He violated your trust.
When you're at a family member's funereal.
When imnsho, his place was at your side giving support and comfort.
My Master says that a master who is deceitful, doesn't deserve a slave's trust.
You are at a vulnerable time in your life, and I think time and distance would be best for you. Either for you to find that both of you have learned and grown from this experience, or possibly only one of you has...

It's sometimes difficult to see something given too close proximity to it...(can't see the forrest for the trees and all that)
As far as having fantasies about having others...I believe many (if not most) people do.
I judge a man by what he does...not what he dreams of...

Hugs and hope to you;

~Christina

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 36

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 8:03:32 PM

JerseyKrissi72

Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline

If someone can't be honest then you are much better off without them.......with me, if you break my trust~ i'll hand ya your walking papers. plain and simple.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 37

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 10:31:51 PM

Kaledorus

Posts: 95
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much.

That is what one would expect in a submissive.
I think that even in the case of slaves, it is the Master's responsibility to always conduct himself with honor and with straightforwardness.
There is no need to skulk about like a teenager behind mommy's back, a genuine Dominant man does what he wants and clearly lets his property know that he is looking for additional slaves or submissives whatever. I think trust is important, vital, and I ask myself why would a genuine Dominant man feel a need to hide his intentions or be devious, if he really owns a woman, in the case of a slave it would be a self-evident fact that he may do as he sees fit, in the case of a submissive he would know her well enough, one should hope, that he can access her mind and heart to know whether she is ready or able for adding another woman to the household.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with polygamy or having multiple slaves, submissives, what is wrong is being a sneak about it.
A genuine dominant man would not conduct himself in that matter.
I don't wish to be hurtful here or harsh but this is my opinion and my experience.
I wish you well.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 38

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 10:46:17 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaledorus

quote:

I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much.

That is what one would expect in a submissive.
I think that even in the case of slaves, it is the Master's responsibility to always conduct himself with honor and with straightforwardness.
There is no need to skulk about like a teenager behind mommy's back, a genuine Dominant man does what he wants and clearly lets his property know that he is looking for additional slaves or submissives whatever. I think trust is important, vital, and I ask myself why would a genuine Dominant man feel a need to hide his intentions or be devious, if he really owns a woman, in the case of a slave it would be a self-evident fact that he may do as he sees fit, in the case of a submissive he would know her well enough, one should hope, that he can access her mind and heart to know whether she is ready or able for adding another woman to the household.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with polygamy or having multiple slaves, submissives, what is wrong is being a sneak about it.
A genuine dominant man would not conduct himself in that matter.
I don't wish to be hurtful here or harsh but this is my opinion and my experience.
I wish you well.

ok lemme just say even if this is not the case here... While it may be masters porogative to do as he wishes slave or no slave if that Master goes against what the original agreement that was made when collard then the slave is no longer his slave their agreement null and void and she may walk... So iffin he said at the begining this is a monogomouse relationship he indeed has no right to then seek others.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Kaledorus)

Post #: 39

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/26/2006 12:09:43 AM

NastyDaddy

Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlenuance

I never thought I would be posting something like this, but my need to understand outweighs my my pride and how humiliating this is. I have recently discovered that my Master has rewarded my devotion and commitment to him and our relationship, with multiple Collarme accounts and personas, seeking subs and sub couples. Apparently this has been ongoing, during the entire relationship. We were mutually monogamous and exclusive; something we were both seeking when we met and agreed upon when we committed to one another. I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. All I asked for in return is complete honesty. He consistently reassured me I was safe, secure and protected by him, and that he was completely happy. Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. I returned from a week away, after a death in the family, to find my Master had used that time to create another CM account in pursuit of others. I realize that this may seem ridiculous, naive and inconsequential to some. However, this was my first significant relationship as a result of joining CM, and it has really shaken me. If anyone can share an objective and helpful insight or perspective, I would appreciate it. Please be assured my question about this possibly being a Dominant tendency isn't intended to be offensive or disrespectul.
Thank you.

Unless his correspondences with others informed them you are his sub, then his lies/omissions are not only towards you.

What do lies/ommissions have to do with dominance?

Regarding a dominant tendency to want multiple subs... it's not pre-packaged and varies widely with the participants on both sides of their dynamic... some do some don't, yet it remains a very common and often shared fantasy.

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094