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Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on collarme.... - 1/15/2005 3:42:02 AM

angelinafemdom

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

Why do people fear showing a photo on collarme.com? It is a risk that may not be worth taking in the long run.

I look very little like my current photos; I have cut all my hair shorter than the short photo. I keep the long hair photos because I like them, and to give you a small cue what I look like. It is also there to throw people off. I am not updating them because I had a bad experience with a vanilla person finding my bdsm photos and telling other vanilla people about them.

The same person has made threats to send mass mail to all my neighbors and to my work and to any place I decide to work in the future. I am unaware if they have made good on their threats or not. I went to the police but until the person threatens body harm, their hands are tied. <Sigh>

There is also no way for me to find out who the person is because they do not ID themselves and cowardly hides behind various e-mail addresses. IP address search is about as close as I can get. I end up with some broad result that really leads me no place.

They know my full name, my husband’s name, and my street address. They send e-mail to both my bdsm and vanilla e-mail accounts. This has been going on for about a year. The person doing it is not going to let up any time soon as they see me as being evil and a threat to the public in general.

I understand why people guard their private life away from their BDSM life. This is just one of my light weight measures to protect myself. It makes me ill that I have been reduced to hiding so-to-speak. My career does not allow me to do otherwise.

Has anyone had a like experience? –Angelina Femdom (aka: Petteacher)

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RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 6:53:42 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

Well,

Let's see...why don't people post their pictures? Well, I don't because I'm a public figure in my town and if I were to be outted, it would be devistating for my career, my family, and the friends who've entrusted me, not to mention people who identify with me in some manner from the public at large.

You may think you don't look anything like the pictures you post, but so what? Did you live in a vaccuum when these photos were taken? Did you know no one when these photos were taken? Someone could recognize you. If that's a risk you are willing to take, that's fine for you. I can show someone a picture of me when I'm 3 and there's no doubt that it's a infant version of myself today, so an old picture isn't going to do me any good.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I too, have seen people who I know from my vanilla life on sites like this. I've never been compelled to contact them or let them know I've seen them simply because to do so would out me.

I belong to a BDSM group in my town. I'm very careful about going to munches, etc. now. I've run into people I knew in a vanilla context at a munch and when they ask "who are you here with?" I say "People from my church." No one really bothers you if you are with people from your church I've found, and they accept that answer and usually drop it.

And, unlike some hate mail from a particularly snotty male sub, it's not because I'm fat and need a man to give me some good dick, this is not the reason I don't post my photo. I love the way I look, and so do men of all shapes and sizes. If I were dating vanilla, I'd have more men to date then there are days in a week.

I don't use my picture because I know better.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 2

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 8:47:07 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I was "outted" at my job two years ago. A supervisor found out I had a website and insisted that I tell him the URL. After repeatedly telling him that it wasn't appropriate for work I capitulated and gave him the url with the caveat the he promise not to go there at work or when he had children in the room with him. I then went on vacation for a week only to return to discover that my website was getting 1000 hits a day from my office building. IT had to block the URL.

I was reprimanded for inappropriate workplace behavior (giving him the url), I had to hide the urls to the inside of my website, my name has been smeared all over industry message boards in ways that could only be described as "sick" by "broken people" and the emails to my executives from anonymous people on yahoo continue today (quite possibly from the very person, in the scene, who threatened to out me to my job in an aol chatroom). I have had to install an IP logger on my website and make it publically known that I've done so in an attempt to get these people to leave me alone. I no longer associate casually with anyone from work for any reason, nor do I participate in employee events. I've been told I am not allowed to discuss my lifestyle with anyone who works for my company (whether I'm at work or not) no matter how benign the topic. I have been passed over for promotions while being told my work is great and they appreciate my efforts and work product (and are quite generous with raises and bonuses). It has made my work life intolerable and it's quite possible that I may have to resign to regain my self respect in this regard. I have no doubt that some of these people monitor my online activity and quite possibly read everything I post here (given that it comes up on search engines).

I was never "in." Never - not to anyone. I have never hidden who I am and I like to think I have a good sense of what is appropriate and where. For years I told people that I didn't understand why they felt they had to remain closeted. I suppose in so doing I drew this lesson to me. Now I understand why people choose to remain closeted.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 3

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 9:30:32 AM

bpEnthusiaist

Posts: 4
Status: offline

Sounds like you need to get yourself to a blue state, or Canada. That type of harasment is more fitting to Iran. I would bet that your persecutor believes 'very strongly' in the notion of freedom. Love the irony.

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 4

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 10:28:10 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bpEnthusiaist

Sounds like you need to get yourself to a blue state, or Canada. That type of harasment is more fitting to Iran. I would bet that your persecutor believes 'very strongly' in the notion of freedom. Love the irony.

I'm not sure if you were responding to the original poster or to me, but I live in a blue state and, in spite of how I see my current situation with my company, I consider my company to be quite liberal as corporate america goes.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to bpEnthusiaist)

Post #: 5

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 11:38:48 AM

bpEnthusiaist

Posts: 4
Status: offline

I was just responding in general - I have enormous sympathy for anyone who faces that kind of bigotry. It is great though the way you have soldiered on. Pics are still up unabashedly, like Rosa Parks. I am not sure I would have the same fortitude. I guess it is important to remember that it is just one person that is doing the harassment, and they probably as much as anyone want to submit. Love and indifference are opposites, love and hate are closely related.

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 6

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 12:07:31 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Why do people fear anything?
I have my photo on collarme. I keep it up to date with who I am today. For the most part other than perhaps a hair cut.
Also, though and most importantly. I have nothing to lose by anyone seeing me here discussion the lifestyle. It is who I am. Everybody knows it. Many people who found the lifestyle later in life have something to lose. I was lucky, I found it when a pre teen. My career was molded around the lifestyle so now out me if you wish.
I have spoken to people who have sent other's photo's in the past and come to find out it isn't even them. That circumstance is beyond me. Why someone would go to such lengths and then still attempt a meeting. Regardless, people do it.
Perhap's they don't care for the way they look? Figure they may be rejected?
Of course this coming from the person who just had a naked jacuzzi discussion the the pastor of our church last week.

I don't think I can be any more damned than I already am.

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 7

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 12:43:32 PM

XtremeOne

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

I don't put my face on any website for two reasons. I am a smart woman who works with children and there are too many people who think what I do is sick and that some how just by being near a child I will infect them with my sickness. However when I first came to the US about 4 years ago, I was confident no one would know who I was anyway and posted my picture and began trying to find like minded people in the area. Whta I found instead was a cyber stalker with a 'thing' for autopsy pictures which he would send to me daily, always using different email acocunts. I knew he knew roughly where I lived which at the time was not a very big town, I knew he knew what I looked like because I had posted my picture and I knew he scared the crap out of me. I did finally loose the stalker, without ever being sure who he was.
As a result I not only don't post pics but I only share pics with people if I think we might meet or if I think there is a possibility of a connection where I would want to be sure we were each others physical type before going any further.
X

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 8

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 2:01:36 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I do not put my photo up for the same reason. I had two instances that convinced me to remove photos of myself from any venue with a connection to the BDSM realm. The first was a man walking up to me in my local Albertson's (grocery store) and striking up a conversation. He knew I was "Beach Mystress" because he recognized me from a photo on Alt. For some reason he thought I'd be pleased at being talked to about my BDSM life in the grocery store.. all I could think about was my housemate on the next isle who I expected to walk around the corner and ask who that guy was.. eeeps.

My second problem, and the one that finally got everything yanked, was a stalker. Those are scary critters.

I have a photo of my eyes on my profile. They are mine and it is a current photo. If I have a desire to share my likeness with someone, I'll do so in private. While 99% of the people on the internet are harmless, there is that other 1% that I do not want to have more of an idea of me than they already have. I certainly do not want to have them walk up to me out of the blue and know who I am.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to XtremeOne)

Post #: 9

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 3:06:26 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Why do people fear showing a photo on collarme.com? It is a risk that may not be worth taking in the long run.

For me it's because i don't want the wrong people to learn about our lifestyle.. I am pretty well known in some athletic circles and Hubby is well known in the local business community. Another thing i fear is blackmail.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 10

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 3:21:26 PM

Rick49

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline

Just read your post, that is awful. I do remember a couple of years agao, I saw a posting on alt.com of the bar maid who served me drinks at my local pub, of course I smiled to myself and thought mm. ou are a lot more intreresting than I thougfht, but I would bever ever have raised the subject directly wityh her. Now had I reposended to her through aly.com and she had decided to reply, ten we might met on different terms.

You know in the end, people who react like that, I believe (IMHO) that BDSM is just 'kinky sex'

One of the lovliest things I have found about collarme, is that the percentage of people who are genuinely interested in BDSM is far higher here than on other sities.

I do hope things settle for you.

Richard

(in reply to bpEnthusiaist)

Post #: 11

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 3:37:31 PM

willing2serve

Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Why do people fear anything? I have nothing to lose by anyone seeing me here discussion the lifestyle.

For few, I can imagine there is nothing to lose; however I believe for the majority of us there is. I am a small business owner, my livelihood depends on word of mouth advertising in a professional setting. My reputation is of utmost importance and we all know how the general public views this lifestyle. I also dabble somewhat in the political arena, nothing else needs to be said there (smile). Most importantly, my children are not even of the age for the "bird and bees" talk, can you imagine explaining why mommy has the need to "fly into subspace and feel the sting of a bee?"

There is one other small reason I dont post my picture to a public profile, looks can be icing on the cake, I prefer to share my main ingredients first. If the person likes the taste, then bring out the frosting! (smile)

There are many times I would love to jump on my soap box or mountain top and proclaim all the exciting and wonderful things about this lifestyle, but for now, I can only share it with the people who understand. This is why I appreciate everyone here and the wisdom, insight and opinions we share.

I have an invitation to any regular members of the forum, if they want to see what willing2serve looks like, I will be glad to share a photo. It's always nice to know who you are talking to and I do appreciate the ones that boldly and proudly display their photo. (just email me)

Respectfully,
Willing2serve1

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 12

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 4:57:02 PM

LdyAuburn

Posts: 179
Joined: 5/9/2004
Status: offline

I have some shots on another site, but certain aspects are 'fogged' out as are the room and associated bits. My husband, my submissive, does not have photos as he does have some identifying marks on his body which are recognisable if someone happened to come across that site.
Having said that I am in an area where some people are aware of my choice in how I live my life . Some of them were told at a function, this occurred as one of my guests became exceptionally drunk and outed me to other guests at the table. This person I had known for the over 20 years and I definitely didnt expect to have that happen. My family , close friends and colleagues are aware that I 'wear the pants' in our relationship and that he needs to check with me or defer to me and they do not need to know anymore than that.
Yes we are reasonable active in our local scene, but as someone else posted previously I am still conscious of discretion at those events.
For me the reality is though I live this way and enjoy it, a percentage of others who dont live this way will never understand it and will perceive it as abuse, sick, perverted etc. They are the ones who can upset the balance of my life. My corporate employer doesnt know and I do hope that I dont need to test how they will react.

(in reply to angelinafemdom)

Post #: 13

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 5:18:57 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Yes we are reasonable active in our local scene, but as someone else posted previously I am still conscious of discretion at those events.

That brings up a question--is there sort of an unspoken code of honor among those that attend munches and play parties, that they don't talk to others about whom they saw there?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to LdyAuburn)

Post #: 14

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 5:24:59 PM

GoddessJules

Posts: 549
Status: offline

quote:

That brings up a question--is there sort of an unspoken code of honor among those that attend munches and play parties, that they don't talk to others about whom they saw there?

When Atlanta PEP was around, before the play time started, the MC usually clearly sates that what happens at PEP stays at PEP. I guess it is up to the individual if they want to adhere to that or not.

J

_____________________________

A pig's pussy is still pork, just like a bull's balls are still beef.
Click here to visit my site

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 5:27:14 PM

LdyAuburn

Posts: 179
Joined: 5/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

Yes we are reasonable active in our local scene, but as someone else posted previously I am still conscious of discretion at those events.

That brings up a question--is there sort of an unspoken code of honor among those that attend munches and play parties, that they don't talk to others about whom they saw there?

Definitely some of the play parties we attend have a 'no discussion outside' of who attend etc. Also I will go to some munches and if they are in a vanilla setting and play is occuring in public I will leave or not go in.

ps thanks proud sub I believe it was your post on another forum, I learnt how to quote :)

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 5:30:37 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

ps thanks proud sub I believe it was your post on another forum, I learnt how to quote :)

You're most welcome, always happy to help out.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to LdyAuburn)

Post #: 17

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/15/2005 8:01:34 PM

DiamondDiva

Posts: 266
Joined: 10/10/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Ironically enough I have to agree with the fact that if you do have a career in which you are in the public eye regardless of what extent there is a certain part of your life that you have to keep in cognito and BDSM is one of them.

It is unfortunate but even though people agree to keep the family business within the family they don't. I would love to post my photo on here but I too work in the public eye and I know that it would not be appropriate. The thing is, I don't concern myself with regulars to the group it's the ones that are lurking, reading trying to get information or just curious.

My two cents

_____________________________

~Diamond Diva~

" When someone is telling you who they are LET THEM!!!

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 18

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/16/2005 10:01:25 AM

rocker

Posts: 30
Joined: 11/10/2004
Status: offline

most times discreation is the better part of valor.

i am self employed and do not care who knows me.
but at the same time we do not live in a loving world
most people are brain dead,
unable to understand anything or think for themselves
beyond what the media and the government or their employers tell them
and even then they don't listen.

i don't show my photo because
#1 i take a terrible photo
#2. i have friends i associate with and they still need their jobs and carrers
#3. it is an age of identity theft and i have had people try to black mail me for real,
call my employer and create all kinds of havoc.

i was too good at my job to be fired but not to be endlessly harrassed
and lied about by jealous incompetant coworkers
who tried to climb the ladder over dead bodies.
mine specifically if they could.

i was never fired. but the company started cheating me
and i ended up quiting.
only to have them call me for two years to come back to work.
like that will ever happen.
i kicked em to the curb like a drug addict.

Dear AngelinaFemdom;
i sent You an message telling You how You can fight back
with my phone number
please call me if You still need help
and i will do my best to stop this person from harrassing You
and i can help You do it legally, i think,
we have spoken before and You know my name

Peace n Love
rocker

< Message edited by rocker -- 1/16/2005 10:04:15 AM >

(in reply to DiamondDiva)

Post #: 19

RE: Why do people fear posting/showing a photo on colla... - 1/16/2005 12:51:11 PM

pantera

Posts: 210
Joined: 1/7/2005
Status: offline

I have 3 reasons:

---a child

---a husband

---a business

not to mention parents, friends, neighbors...

(in reply to rocker)

Post #: 20

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