hard to let go?

hard to let go? (Full Version)

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nightrosemom -> hard to let go? (9/24/2006 10:57:40 PM)
I am a collared slave, but sometimes i find it hard to let go of what i used to be...a rebellious, spoiled brat...is this normal? Do i need more control?

Owned1 -> RE: hard to let go? (9/24/2006 11:58:19 PM)
I have found, with Master's assistance and observations, that when I act out it is usually either I am missing something or life has thrown me a curve ball. Usually what I am missing is a long hard session, and usually it is because life has tossed the curve ball and we have not had the opportunity to play. Either way I have not knowingly acted out but I have acted out nonetheless. Now that I am aware of my reactions I am more aware and try to stop myself from acting out. I believe you will need to do some soul searching and sort out why it is you are having these feelings. Owned

mstrjx -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 4:06:22 AM)
It is often the thing that is 'not' said that probably contains the bulk of the question (and sometimes the answer). When 'the brat' side of you comes out, does it impede the relationship, or the D/s or M/s dynamic that you and your partner have? If it doesn't, then there shouldn't be anything to be concerned about. Depending on your relationship circumstances, it's difficult to be 'anything' 100% of your waking hours. At the same time, you shouldn't actively push in a direction that would start to infringe on the relationship. If it does, then the situation needs to be dealt with in some manner. He might need to understand how to deal with you differently; you might need to rethink whether the situation you find yourself (being submissive or being with him) is really where you want to be. In either case, you need to talk to him about your (and possibly his) concerns. Good luck Jeff

deltadawn -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 5:07:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nightrosemom I am a collared slave, but sometimes i find it hard to let go of what i used to be...a rebellious, spoiled brat...is this normal? Do i need more control? No, you need more self control. Never leave it all on the lap of your Master. These relationships mature and grow because the parties involved work very hard to make them work. My suggestion is for you to talk to him about what you consider acting out and if it is something he does not like than find a way to change it. Another suggestion is for you to focus on WHEN you act out and what is going on at that moment. Write it down, try to find the reason this part of you is set off from, and work on a way to calm yourself at those moments. Good luck dawn

MasterFireMaam -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 8:13:44 AM)
Expecting someone outside of yourself to force you to change is unrealistic. It simply will not happen. They can help you do it for yourself, but in the end, it's up to you to be responsible for your behavior. Look inside and find the roots of the behaviors you no longer want. Working on the root reasons is the only way to truly change behavior. Kinda like killin' weeds. Master Fire

juliaoceania -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 8:15:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nightrosemom I am a collared slave, but sometimes i find it hard to let go of what i used to be...a rebellious, spoiled brat...is this normal? Do i need more control? I do not know what you mean by spoiled or rebellious. I may not define your behavior as such, and I might define it as slowly altering your boundaries to accomodate your new dominant. I read your profile and I am guessing you have not been wearing that collar long. It takes time to build up trust and to give parts of oneself away. I am not insta-sub, and most of us aren't... you need to do more than add water after throwing a collar on a person to gain their submission. It is a process. It would be easy for me to say that I do not ever feel bad or guilty when I get demanding or pushy (and I can be at times), I do feel bad about it, but it makes me strive to do better the next time. If the dominant you have is the right one he will be able to make you feel inspired to not rebel or be spoiled, but it is still a process. You are allowing someone to control you, that is a pretty heavy thing. It takes time to build that trust up that you will get your needs and some of your wants met within your dynamic, and then there is the baggage of what every other person that hurt you has done to injure you, and all these things come into play. I would remember that just when you "think" you trust someone and they do something that makes you trust them all the more it underlines the fact you still do not completely trust them. It is a process, and as the trust deepens so will your submission... I am assuming that in making this post you have a strong desire to improve... that is half the battle.

nightrosemom -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 8:39:35 AM)
Thank Y/you all for the advice...it was all very helpful in my search for answers. julia you are right, i have not been in this relationship long, only about 4 months (almost 5) I think alot of my problems lie in the fact that i am a very independent person, and i dont like asking for help...even when i want it. I like to deal with things on my own, but right now there is a lot of stress that is interfering with our relationship because of how it affects our lives. we both want the best for eachother and our daughter, but sometimes we but heads on what that is. every time i act out i feel horrible becasue i feel like i dont deserve His collar. I have been hurt alot in the past, and been in some pretty messed up relationships, and so has He, which makes us both all the more unable to let go. It frustrates me that i can't figure Him out inside and out and it frustrates Him that i dont always talk about what is stressing me out. But sometimes i feel like it would just be me complaining about the same ol same ol if i always told Him what was going on. I have started to keep a journal on the computer and He has promised me that He wouldnt read anything i put in the folder, it has helped me alot to start to sort out my feelings and start slowly being able to get to the root of my worries, fits, and stress. This is the first real time, 24/7 M/s relationship i have been in, my last one was long distance, and as close as i was to my Dom, it wasnt ever real to me...because i couldnt serve Him real time, and for the first couple months we lived together we were at His mom's house until we could get into the house we are in now, so therefore there was no control, and i did get spoiled, and i got used to that, so now, when rules have been set in place, and it is now real, its kind of hard to get used to which is also some of my problem. Master proceeded to tell me last night that He doesnt trust himself punishing me because He doenst know His own strength, i have told Him over and over that i trust Him and He needs to give me the punishment that He sees fits the crime, but He still fears this....any advice on how to help Him? or do i just have to let Him work that out? Thank you His lil one

juliaoceania -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 8:49:38 AM)
Perhaps he can think of non-physical punishments? My Daddy never punishes me physically, and we refer to it as "discipline" because it is not done to be punitive, but to facilitate learning. There are many ways to discipline such has taking away priviliges. My Daddy never disciplines in anger... that is doubly true when it comes to physical punishment because that can lead to injury.

nightrosemom -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 8:54:10 AM)
What kind of non physical punishments does He give? i do like this idea, for...a paddle hurts! He doesnt punish me in anger, i usually get my punishments the night of what ever incident occured...so that he has time to not be mad at me anymore so it is safe. I would love your opinions on non physical corrections.

juliaoceania -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 9:07:34 AM)
My Daddy has had a former submissive put a coin on the wall and hold it there until he told her to stop. He has told me restricting my internet access maybe a future disciplinary measure. That sort of thing. He has not disciplined me in that way yet, it has not been necessary as I punish myself quite adequately for the most part,..lol.. in some ways it is better to let someone stew in their own mistakes than to beat them over the head with it. I think you show signs of being this way just because of this thread you created...smiles

nightrosemom -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 9:25:46 AM)
Well, unless the hit with the paddle is hard, i forget about it quickly, because the pain after the initial sting is nice, i enjoy it...He has also used the paddle in play, so sometimes it is hard for me to see it as punishment giggles I am going to suggest these things to him tonight to try, thank you for the advice very much so. giggles

juliaoceania -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 9:45:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nightrosemom Well, unless the hit with the paddle is hard, i forget about it quickly, because the pain after the initial sting is nice, i enjoy it...He has also used the paddle in play, so sometimes it is hard for me to see it as punishment giggles I am going to suggest these things to him tonight to try, thank you for the advice very much so. giggles I am going to show this thread to my Daddy and ask him if he will post a response to it that you can show your dominant... I think it will be helpful....smiles. It goes to the heart of this post I quoted....lol

nightrosemom -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 10:37:48 AM)
that sounds good!

Sinergy -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 11:40:25 AM)
Hello A/all, This is an interesting thread and I had a few thoughts on it. My initial question would be how good are you at monitoring what is going on in your world? Do you know when you are having a bad hair day? Do you know when you feel on top of the world. When you feel out of sorts. When you want to be left alone, etc. Assuming you are aware of these things, are you able to share this information with your Dominant? Is he receptive to your stating your feelings? Everybody has feelings. I am always amused by people who attempt to give a "why" or reason to why they feel the way they feel. The conclusion I have come to in life is that feelings exist at a much more basic level of consciousness, and I am pretty dubious at this point that a person really knows why they feel the way they feel. I let go of trying to be responsibility for the feelings of other people years ago. It was difficult for me for various reasons, but there is a freedom I found because I realized I dont have to be emotionally engaged in somebody else's feelings unless I choose to be. So when the person I am with states they are having a bad hair day, we can both acknowledge it and move on. I tend to pay pretty close attention to the people I am around, and I can start to nip things in the bud early on before the emotional turmoil becomes overwhelming. This can be as simple as raising my voice, kissing her, asking her to do something for me, or whatever., in order to get her out of her head and thinking about the world around her. Doesnt always work, but sometimes it does. In my experience, the submissive is usually a lot more upset by their behavior than I am. So for me to get angry about it and/or punish them requires more effort on my part than I am usually willing to expend. Combine these two concepts, and I tend to wonder why it is up to me to be punitive. I tend to go with the "I feel disappointed when you..." approach. Physical punishments, humiliations, etc., tend to bring about subspace in a lot of people. Here I was thinking that getting her into subspace was something she and I would both enjoy, but now I am doing it to punish her? This is the Stick approach to behavior correction. That just seems so backwards to me. I raised my RL kids with the concept that I should ignore any behavior I dont want repeated, and reward any behavior I do want repeated. They are wonderfully well mannered and well behaved young adults at this point. Yelling at or punishing somebody, for people who dont positively reward other people, ends up rewarding them by acknowledging that they are there. On the other hand, I will offer up the Carrot. If I see a behavior pattern I dont like start to develop, I will first off check in to see how she is doing emotionally. Then I will make a date or appointment to reward her should she overcome her urge to act out. Clear as mud? Sinergy

nightrosemom -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 12:37:23 PM)
Sinergy Sir, I am guessing, sorry if i am wrong but i am guessing you are Julia's Daddy...if not, i am sorry for the misconception. Your post makes me think...about things i probably should have been thinking about a while ago...i am going to ask my Master to please read this, and see what He has to say, maybe all of the thoughts julia gave me and the thoughts You have given combined will help to eliminate or at least improve this problem i am having Thank You very much Sir.. His lil angel

Sinergy -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 1:59:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nightrosemom Sinergy Sir, I am guessing, sorry if i am wrong but i am guessing you are Julia's Daddy...if not, i am sorry for the misconception. Your post makes me think...about things i probably should have been thinking about a while ago...i am going to ask my Master to please read this, and see what He has to say, maybe all of the thoughts julia gave me and the thoughts You have given combined will help to eliminate or at least improve this problem i am having Thank You very much Sir.. His lil angel Hello nightrosemom, Thank you for the lovely response. I would ask that you simply call me Sinergy, unless your Master insists otherwise. I would also suggest you not spend much time considering what you should have done at some time in the past. There is a line from the movie "Life As a House" where Kevin Kline says "Hindsight is like foresight but without a future." I would suggest you take the things you learn and build your future with them. julia is a lovely treasure, even if we do spend an inordinate amount of time arguing about Marxism and economic terrorism. Please give my regards to your Master. Just me, could be wrong, but there you go. Sinergy

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 2:05:49 PM)
Maybe you should ask yourself why are you acting out? A sub/slave has to take responsibility for their own actions. If you feel you need a tighter leash so to say, then you need to discuss that with your Master. M/s is two way street.

truesub4u -> RE: hard to let go? (9/25/2006 2:58:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nightrosemom I am a collared slave, but sometimes i find it hard to let go of what i used to be...a rebellious, spoiled brat...is this normal? Do i need more control? It all depends on you and if you really want to let it go or not. I'm not, nore been a spoiled brat.... but always a rebel. It's one of my better traits i've been told that allows me to really be me and the doms I serve prefer me this way. So it's up to you...and the one you want to give it all up for.

mystictryst -> RE: hard to let go? (9/27/2006 10:35:24 PM)
It took Master some time, but he finally learned to love and accept that my inner brat is really the leader. [:D] It took time and we figured out how to work together... Both for me to let go of some of my more negative, childish behaviour and for him to learn that some of it is just who I am.

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