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Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 10:38:00 AM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

Today, I received an email from a student of mine stating that she found my Web site and was "shocked" that a teacher at our university would have a Web site of that nature. Most who know me know that I have a submissive introduction site (or did) that serves to help new submissives understand why they may feel the way they do. It's instructive mostly, with some true to life stories of the struggles I went through.

This young woman that wrote me informs me that she was "intrigued" and that she was "kind of" into "that sort of stuff, too", and then throws in the last line of "see you on Tuesday. I didn't tell your secret to too many people in class".

I don't know what to say. I tried to keep my personal bdsm life away from my academic life, while still trying to maintain what I am as a submissive. Do I have to go back into the closet completely?

I can't get rid of the information that's out the internet about me. There is information that is 10 years old that a google search will bring up and make impossible for me to hide my lifestyle.

I had to remove my site because I don't want my students reading this before class and making it a topic of discussion.

I'm so pissed right now, and I'm not even sure what to do.

I wrote back stating that I'm not in the closet and didn't appreciate the tone of the email. The tone was very much "I caught you trying to get away with your evil lifestyle". I really hate people sometimes. And I can't even do anything about it. My name is forever tied to this lifestyle, even though I haven't been in this lifestyle in a relationship in over 7 years.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

Post #: 1

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 10:51:32 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

sarbonn:

I'm very sorry to hear that this has occurred to you. Unfortunately all I can do is commiserate. Please allow me to repost something I just this morning posted to another thread. I have no answer for you, as I have not yet found the answer for myself. I am, however, interested in how things go for you and what, if any, kind of resolutions you find. Thank you for sharing your experience here.

My post is listed in "Ask a Mistress" under "Why do people fear posting pictures." That link is http://www.collarme.com/forum/m.asp?m=60228&mpage=1&key=

and it reads as follows:

I was "outted" at my job two years ago. A supervisor found out I had a website and insisted that I tell him the URL. After repeatedly telling him that it wasn't appropriate for work I capitulated and gave him the url with the caveat the he promise not to go there at work or when he had children in the room with him. I then went on vacation for a week only to return to discover that my website was getting 1000 hits a day from my office building. IT had to block the URL.

I was reprimanded for inappropriate workplace behavior (giving him the url), I had to hide the urls to the inside of my website, my name has been smeared all over industry message boards in ways that could only be described as "sick" by "broken people" and the emails to my executives from anonymous people on yahoo continue today (quite possibly from the very person, in the scene, who threatened to out me to my job in an aol chatroom). I have had to install an IP logger on my website and make it publically known that I've done so in an attempt to get these people to leave me alone. I no longer associate casually with anyone from work for any reason, nor do I participate in employee events. I've been told I am not allowed to discuss my lifestyle with anyone who works for my company (whether I'm at work or not) no matter how benign the topic. I have been passed over for promotions while being told my work is great and they appreciate my efforts and work product (and are quite generous with raises and bonuses). It has made my work life intolerable and it's quite possible that I may have to resign to regain my self respect in this regard. I have no doubt that some of these people monitor my online activity and quite possibly read everything I post here (given that it comes up on search engines).

I was never "in." Never - not to anyone. I have never hidden who I am and I like to think I have a good sense of what is appropriate and where. For years I told people that I didn't understand why they felt they had to remain closeted. I suppose in so doing I drew this lesson to me. Now I understand why people choose to remain closeted.

I am disheartened by your post, sarbonn, and send you love and light in your journey through this dark spot.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 2

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 11:00:45 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

"I caught you trying to get away with your evil lifestyle"

sarbonn,
First, it's tragic that anyone be forced into a position through actions of another. But now that's it's happened you have to deal with it.

Assuming you have tenure, and you are teaching a class of over 18 year olds. If your student was under 18 how did she have access to the site?

You'll never retrieve your confidentiality with these students. You must accept that first. It's doubtful that your co-workers and even future classes won't know of your secret. Step one - accept that.

Your choice then is live with it - or start applying for work at other schools. You are the only one who can determine which decision is best.

If you stay through, consider that you implied "guilt" by removing your site. What were you guilty of - helping others? You shouldn't feel that way. Accept that you are 'outed' in your current environment. Now you either have to live in it - 'outed' or leave it. If you can live in it, then be proud of it. I'm sure you were proud of your site up until your student sent you that email. Nothing changed other then now you know that someone you deal with every day has seen it.

Obviously this is VERY much easier for me to write about then you to live. Our best thoughts are with you! Good Luck! Stay strong!

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 3

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 11:01:17 AM

MaitresseEden

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

Well this is a topic that is near and dear to me and one that I have experienced personally. PLEASE feel free to contact me off the list and we can dicuss it in more detail

The best advice I can give you is to address it head on, and use it as an opportunity to teach civil liberities and personal choices. Keep it on a higher plane and on a strictly educational level. I don't know what field you teach in but try your best to relate it to your field. ( it can be done). I would also make sure that you check your employment contract to see if they have a morality clause in it. Normally in higher ed you don't. However if you are at the elementary secondary ed level it always is and they will castigate you for it. I am fortunate that I have published academically in this area, so my involvement is no longer a secret. However I too was outed without a choice, and it was a horrible 3 year process for me of coping with it. Again, Please don't hesitate to contact me privately should you need some one to talk with.

Big Hug

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 4

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 11:23:05 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

Today, I received an email from a student of mine stating that she found my Web site and was "shocked" that a teacher at our university would have a Web site of that nature. Most who know me know that I have a submissive introduction site (or did) that serves to help new submissives understand why they may feel the way they do. It's instructive mostly, with some true to life stories of the struggles I went through.

This young woman that wrote me informs me that she was "intrigued" and that she was "kind of" into "that sort of stuff, too", and then throws in the last line of "see you on Tuesday. I didn't tell your secret to too many people in class".

I don't know what to say. I tried to keep my personal bdsm life away from my academic life, while still trying to maintain what I am as a submissive. Do I have to go back into the closet completely?

I can't get rid of the information that's out the internet about me. There is information that is 10 years old that a google search will bring up and make impossible for me to hide my lifestyle.

I had to remove my site because I don't want my students reading this before class and making it a topic of discussion.

I'm so pissed right now, and I'm not even sure what to do.

I wrote back stating that I'm not in the closet and didn't appreciate the tone of the email. The tone was very much "I caught you trying to get away with your evil lifestyle". I really hate people sometimes. And I can't even do anything about it. My name is forever tied to this lifestyle, even though I haven't been in this lifestyle in a relationship in over 7 years.

I would put the web site back, go to your Dean and sit down for a chat. Let them see the web site and tell them you prefer to keep your private life private and not let it interfere with your academic life. Tell them about the student and that you intend for the topic to go no further. If the web site is gone & the Dean catches wind of it, they are going to imagine something far worse than what actually is.

Go into class with your head held high and if the subject is brought up, simply say "I don't feel my private life is pertinent to the subject we are studying. Then carry on as usual.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 5

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 11:45:41 AM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

The web site was really taken down because I had been thinking of doing that for a long time anyway. Not anything to do with the content. I just discovered I was paying monthly charges for both an ftp account and a domain that had no purpose whatsoever as nobody was visiting it anyway.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 6

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 11:51:15 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

The web site was really taken down because I had been thinking of doing that for a long time anyway. Not anything to do with the content. I just discovered I was paying monthly charges for both an ftp account and a domain that had no purpose whatsoever as nobody was visiting it anyway.

I visited it, recently as a matter of fact. I read damned near all of it, too.

I realize that one hit does not traffic make, but I wanted you to know that I had interest in your site and enjoyed it.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 7

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 12:54:12 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

This young woman that wrote me informs me that she was "intrigued" and that she was "kind of" into "that sort of stuff, too", and then throws in the last line of "see you on Tuesday. I didn't tell your secret to too many people in class".

Midear Sarbonn-

This is distressing, not doubt, and I wish you luck in dealing with it. I am wondering if you may not be reading 'malious' where the intent was humor.

In any event, being outed is tough, and a risk we all face- even those with as little to lose as myself, even as out as I am, there are some people I'd prefer not know of my proviclivities. This risk is one of the reasons that I object to the SSC buzz phrase- what we do may be safe and sane, but the risks we take in doing it can be crazy and dangerous.

Good luck- keep us posted.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 8

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 1:22:35 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

This is exactly why i haven't mentioned my bdsm interests in my website or anywhere else online, except in my pogo games profile. Now i'm thinking i should change that too. It's also why i don't post a pic here in my profile, and i use different screen names elsewhere. I'm sorry you are going through that Sorbonn.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 9

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 1:30:51 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShoshin

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
I had to remove my site because I don't want my students reading this before class and making it a topic of discussion.

I'm so pissed right now, and I'm not even sure what to do.

I wrote back stating that I'm not in the closet and didn't appreciate the tone of the email. The tone was very much "I caught you trying to get away with your evil lifestyle". My name is forever tied to this lifestyle, even though I haven't been in this lifestyle in a relationship in over 7 years.

I would put the web site back, go to your Dean and sit down for a chat. Let them see the web site and tell them you prefer to keep your private life private and not let it interfere with your academic life. Tell them about the student and that you intend for the topic to go no further.

Go into class with your head held high and if the subject is brought up, simply say "I don't feel my private life is pertinent to the subject we are studying. Then carry on as usual.

Dear Sarbonn,
Am very sorry this happened to you... I agree that people are annoying sometimes and don't realize that there's a lot of class sometimes in the act of keeping One's mouth shut.
I completely agree with LadyShoshin on what steps to take next, and if the conversation doesn't go well, start looking for another job.
Good Luck, M

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 10

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 1:51:02 PM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

I can't really just go looking for another job. I'm a graduate student finishing off my Ph.D.

And again, I've removed my Web site because it no longer serves a purpose for me. No one ever contacted me to even let me know they were reading it. Years ago, dominants, both men and women, used to contact me to tell me that they required their new submissives to begin by reading my site before they would even think of training them. A lot of time has gone by where I'm not significant anymore. My days of being an information source are gone because everyone and his brother or sister is an "expert" in bdsm these days. My site began back in the days when submissives were scared to death to go public, so I took a chance and did. I was a writer back then. I didn't expect to go into teaching; that just kind of fell on me. Otherwise, this would never have been a problem, or even a concern. I was happy to help a lot of people transition into the community back then, even if they all kind of forgot me on the journey.

The really sad thing is: I live a more chaste life than a priest these days. Well, that's not a good example, now that I think about it. Let's just say that for the last seven years education has been my ONLY passion.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 11

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 1:57:39 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

I can't really just go looking for another job. I'm a graduate student finishing off my Ph.D.

I was happy to help a lot of people transition into the community back then, even if they all kind of forgot me on the journey.

The really sad thing is: I live a more chaste life than a priest these days. Well, that's not a good example, now that I think about it. Let's just say that for the last seven years education has been my ONLY passion.

Well, I'm hoping absolutely nothing will come of this, though still think a conversation with the dean will ease things, and deal with the students directly.
I believe something similar to this happened to a Bown Univ professor in the last 6months, but I don't recall reading anything about him losing his job, only being forced to take the site down.
...And give up that chaste life, it's overrated (7years is too long, and the body does forget to do things it used to be able to do sometimes/ "if you don't use it you lose it is true"; start having some fun.
Hope things turn out okay for you, M

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 12

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 2:27:57 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

*huge hugs* I'm so sorry you had to run into this. Merc & beth are very right by saying "Now you either have to live in it - 'outed' or leave it" I am sure you already know that a campus is a very small, gossipy community. Sex is one of the biggest topics of conversation. I would not reinstate your website at the former address for a while. I would move it if you decide you wish to put it back up. As long as the site isn't there for this student to direct others to, things will die down more quickly. There will be rumors and gossip, but the less fuel for the fire, the sooner it will die down. I would approach the Dean and tell him about the incident. I would also state that you feel your sexual orientation (USE THOSE WORDS) is your own business and not suitable for discussion at work. If anyone tries to talk with you about your involvement in BDSM, ask them why they feel work is the proper venue for sexual conversations. You have no need to confirm or deny your associations. Refuse to speak of them. Sexual harassment at work in any form is illegal. Approach any discussion of this at work as sexual harassment. Document any instances of people trying to engage you or talk with you about it. Continually maintian that sex and sexuality doesn't belong in the workplace. You need to take a strong stand on that and decline to discuss the topic. I suspect you'll have the Dean's full support since sexual harassment lawsuits do not do the school any good.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 13

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 2:35:49 PM

MaitresseEden

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

Sarbonn,
Unless you have tenure don't go to the Dean.. deal with it in class indirectly Since you said your a poli sci guy, lecture on civil liberties and talk about personal freedoms and legislative morality, and how important it is to allow people the right to explore themselves fully. Give broad examples, don't dwell on the specific of your case.. that should diffuse the class.. Trust me when I say school administrators even at a university level shy away from things that may cast any negative light on the university. Tenured faculty can get away with more, they will still get a slap on the wrist from the board, and chastisement. Adjuncts and part time faculty just won't be used again.

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 14

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 2:48:29 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Yish. You have my deepest sympathies.

I am the sort of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Having spent most of my childhood experiencing some level or another of social ostracism, I can not comprehend being in a situation where I wil not be an outsider, with regards to the mainstream. However, I have a strong sense of ethics, and I have a deep respect for personal limits, which includes the desire for privacy.

One of the things which eventually led to breaking up with my mistress, was the fact that she was an advocate of outing. She insisted that queers and perverts would remain on the fringe unless we made our presence felt, and betraying another person's trust was, to her, just another form of civil disobedience. I consider it to be a form of assault, at best, and a form of private terrorism as it is most typically applied.

I can not stomache the betrayal of trust typically required to effectively out someone. While I try very hard to forgive other people their folleys, I honestly hope that these people rot in hell. It was once church doctorine that character assassination was a sin on par with murder. In this sort of an instance, I would have to agree.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 15

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/15/2005 5:03:38 PM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

sarbonn not much to say but My thoughts are with you and My fingers are crossed this blows over for you. *hug*

Jasmyn

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 16

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/16/2005 12:14:08 PM

1RottenJohnny

Posts: 113
Joined: 11/12/2004
Status: offline

I wish I had the words to describe how badly I feel for your situation. As I live very near you I understand the personal ramifications if this becomes part of the public record. Unfortunately we both live in an area of the country that is far too conservative and unaccepting of alternative lifestyles. That's why my hometown isn't listed in my profile.

But I think those who are telling you to seize the initiative are right. I think you should be proactive in diffusing the problem. Given your education you are probably more capable of defending your position than anybody else in a similar situation. In my opinion, your authority as a teacher gives you the right to single-out this student to give her a lesson in the privacy of others. Make sure it's a lesson she never forgets. Share with her any trouble you must go through because of her. Maybe she'll learn that the greatest source of pain is always the mouth.

Please know that my sympathies and hopes are with you no matter the course you follow.

< Message edited by 1RottenJohnny -- 1/16/2005 12:18:55 PM >

_____________________________

Compassion is a wonderful thing...taken in moderation!

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 17

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/16/2005 12:26:21 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Make sure it's a lesson she never forgets.

She said she has some interest in the lifestyle, i think a good spanking is in oder.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to 1RottenJohnny)

Post #: 18

RE: Being outed by people who do it for no reason - 1/16/2005 12:47:26 PM

DiamondDiva

Posts: 266
Joined: 10/10/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Yes, see this is exactly what I was talking about yesterday regarding adding a photo to the site. You never know who will recognize you from your past,present or future and if they are not knowledgeable, malicious, curious or angry not to mention just plain ignorant, their irresponsible actions can create problems for you.

I love what I do work and play but I know that people are not always understanding, honest or able to just mind their own damn business so I keep the two worlds extremely separate of each other.

Sarbonn, I am sorry that you are experiencing this level of discomfort. What ever you do just know that we are all thinking of you.

_____________________________

~Diamond Diva~

" When someone is telling you who they are LET THEM!!!

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 19

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