My profile sucks, any advice (Full Version)

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QuietControler -> My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:00:10 PM)

Hi,
I was hoping some of you would be kind enough to peek at my profile and give me some advice on how to make it better.
I am not good at writing this stuff and haven't been getting any bites.

I have tough skin and won't write you a nasty e-mail if you give me a negative comment.

I appreciate the help,
Bill



gooddogbenji -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:04:50 PM)

How about "Hi, I may suck at writing profiles, but at least I can go to the forums and act helpless like a pro!"

Just a spontaneous idea....

Yours,


benji



missturbation -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:16:43 PM)

Get a fake pic (a hot one) and tell lies about urself [:D]



gooddogbenji -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:19:41 PM)

Oh! Pick me! pick me!  Teacher!  Teacher!

How about choosing a nic sans typo?

Yours,


benji



WhyteRavenne -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:23:22 PM)

I went to your profile, and found it, lacking.  Of course, you must understand, this is coming from someone who has a novel worth of "journal" entries.  I would suggest, perhaps, taking out "I am a single parent(4 years left before I am free), so absolute discretion is a must"  it comes across, well, like you don't care about the immortal(s) you spawned, and if you don't care about them, you most likely wouldn't care about a bottom.  Self depreciation is never sexy as a Top, so, if you don't like your photo's remove them, and get a digital cam or scan some pics that make you feel good.  Also.. give it time.. or you'll end up with a doormat sub that may not be what you want.  (Hey, what do I know, though?)



shadevarr -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:27:53 PM)

Well, 1st off you should stick to just writing about yourself and not what you will do to the reader of the profile. Also, you may wish to add a bit of humor or arrogance, both if you can pull it off. Like about smoking, you could rephrase it as " I like my marlboros and if my slave has an issue with it then I guess her mouth will just need to stay open a bit longer so I can use it as an ash tray". Also, don't apologize for the poor picture but I would crop out the background a bit and repost it.  Oh, one last BIG thing. Spell check and grammar check everything.



roadangel -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:28:59 PM)

how about acknowledging the humanity of subs by saying "sub who", rather than "sub that"...of course that's just a pet peeve of mine......



gooddogbenji -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:35:49 PM)

I actually read the profile, and found a new hobby.

See you on the forums, daddy!

Yours,


benji



lalbobbilynn -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:35:59 PM)

Well Sir......

First thing is first.

YOU desire to be the point of convergence....
Your needs and desires.

To mention Your child and status as a Single parent is not really the focal point... is it?? Why mention this FIRST?  

i would advise waiting, and saving such a deeply personal point for the person who catches Your interest.

Again Sir....... .
The vasectomy...... ???
Although spelled wrong, i do sincerely hope was done correctly!!! 
i am unsure how this plays into Your level of kink, and what this has to do with You attracting a woman??

is my opinion Sir, that the smoking as well does follow the above mentioned.........
and what does this have to do with Your flogging someone........ a cryptic way of saying You get winded quickly??!!!!


What does it have to do with YOU Sir........ who You are..... .Your Wants, Needs, Desires, Dreams. 

i am curious Sir, would You state such things to a woman You met in person for the very first time??

So You are new........ seems to be no fault there.....
Nevertheless, if the out of focus and self proclaimed "not very good photo" is lacking to You......... how does that come across to someone who wishes to honor You above all others?

After reading Your profile...., i would say You are not concentrated on the point:

YOU.

Is not about being able to write...... is about listening to Yourself.

~ Best Of Luck To You ~ 



WhyteRavenne -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:39:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

I actually read the profile, and found a new hobby.

See you on the forums, daddy!

Yours,


benji


benji, you are an ebil soul!



LaTigresse -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:40:34 PM)

Ohhhh let me see. How about something about you as a person. Women like to know all sorts of stuff like........what are your hobbies, what do you do for fun, what are your unique skills, what sort of work do you do and do you enjoy it, are you into sports, you know the stuff that makes you tick in your daily life.
Humour! If you are going to say your pictures suck, at least say it's because the way you are standing makes you look like a V8 add or the leaning tower of Pisa and that you really are the most studeriffic dom of all times......something along those lines. Unless of course you have no sense of humour and do not appreciate it in another...if that is the case I would omit the V8 and pisa part...... Laughter is a great ice breaker at least in my quirky little world.



LaTigresse -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:41:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

I actually read the profile, and found a new hobby.

See you on the forums, daddy!

Yours,


benji


and now you see why we are all in love with the wicked yellow pup...........[:D]



WhyteRavenne -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 3:44:02 PM)

I would like to mention one more thing... not just to you, but to everyone...  We all have our favorite combination of colours...  As shown in my journal entries (they are terrible! if you go to my profile, you have to highlight them all!), but, for profiles, some of us find it difficult to see some of the more garish mixes... might want to keep that in mind, if you re-do it...  'course, that's just my pet peeve.. lol

good luck



Aileen68 -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 4:37:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

I actually read the profile, and found a new hobby.

See you on the forums, daddy!

Yours,


benji


You are sooooooo bad.  I just love your wit.



RubberWitch -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 4:42:43 PM)

Pictures really need work. greater variation between text and BG.
Be a little firmer. Set out what YOU want. Ours isn't a good example of that, but we are snakes in the long grass.

Stick the single dad bit at the bottom, couple it with the never call me daddy. atm, it shows a weakness. and I just hear every sub moaning how they just can't find a weak Dom out there

Good luck

]v[



behindmirrors -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 5:18:08 PM)

Hello QuietControler-
I have read your profile and agree you do appear to be in need of some help. If I may be so bold, I am going to go through it line by line and suggest some re-wording and rephrasing.

I am looking for a female sub close to me that can host.
Can host what? This is really unclear. Host parties? That you can invite home and be the host? To live with? I would start with "Hello, thank you for visiting my profile.", and then in a separate sentence, say "I am looking for a female submissive near my location that I can share a [long term/short term/whatever you're looking for] relationship with."
I am a single parent(4 years left before I am free), so absolute discretion is a must.
"I am a single parent, which I believe is important for you to know, so that there are no surprises later. I am looking for someone willing to keep our lifestyle separate from my children, as I don't believe that is something they are meant to be exposed to by their father. Your discretion in this matter means a lot to me."
I have had a vasectamy so no more kids for me(or you if you are with me).
"I have undergone a vasectomy, so if you are looking to have children, I may not be the ideal partner for you. However, if you do not seek to have kids, you will not have to worry about birth control."
I am fairly new to the lifestyle & am looking for a sub that can work her way up with me.
"I am new to the BDSM lifestyle, and am looking for someone who is willing to grow in it with me. I believe that learning is important, and look forward to sharing that with you."
I am a calm, intelligent, patient, & respectable man who can earn your adoration through action not just words.
"I believe than my actions speak louder than my words, but I am calm, intelligent, patient, and respectable, and you will find me to be a wonderful person to explore the lifestyle with."
I will train you with patience and understanding of your needs along with a firm hand to insure you can serve and please me to the fullest.
"As a Dominant, I will see that you are trained with patience and understanding equal to the firmness I believe you need. I will train you to be pleasing and to serve me well, and will treat your submission as being very important to me and our relationship."
I will reward your love and trust with kindness and consistent control, I will punish transgressions with methodical and controlled re-training.
"I will reward you for the love and trust you give me with kindness, consistency, and respect. You will not wish to disappoint me, but should it happen, I will methodically re-train you in whatever ways needed."
The pictures I have right now are not very good, but at least give you an idea of what I look like.
I am smoker so you need to be O.K. with that.
Ummm, scratch this please. Just take some better photos, or don't have one up for the time being until you take some better pictures. Maybe you should wear a suit. Suits look distinguished. And they look hot. Cut the smoker bit, and divulge that part later, perhaps when sharing information in an email with a potential submissive later. I would end with "Thank you for reading this through, and please feel free to contact me with any questions you might have. Take care."
YOU WILL NEVER EVER CALL ME DADDY.
Please just remove this. It looks rediculous at the end like that. Titles are something you decide on in a relationship anyway, so it's fine to say that then or in further discussion.

Hope this helps, and I wish you luck-
behindmirrors.

<edited to add: You really should include some information about what you enjoy in the vanilla world, too. It takes a whole lot more than rope to keep a relationship together. Having similar interests is good. Put those in.>



justheather -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 5:30:25 PM)

Well, since you asked...

Your picture has everything all akimbo. I can't tell what's straight and what's not because the picture is lopsided and you also have something diagonal in the background.

You come off as kind of negative. Maybe it's because of the "No kids for you if you are with me" right off the bat. Also, I would not want to be with someone who sees parenting as some kind of sentence. I also would not want to be with someone who thinks that parenting ends the day the kid turns 18. You give that impression, Im not sure if you mean to. Maybe you could tweak the wording of that part to express what you want to without saying a bunch of things you don't want to.

I'm not clear as to the type of relationship you are looking for. It might help for you to be more specific. You talk about the person "hosting" as if it was for just play-type interaction but then later you talk about love. Are you saying you would love and cherish this person but not allow her into your home? Again, I wonder if you could word it differently to reduce confusion and increase clarity.

Id also correct the typo in your name. Girls like smart Daddies.
I mean, doms.
:-)



juliaoceania -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 5:33:16 PM)

Turn your negatives into positives


If you feel it is important to mention your family situation do it in a positive way.

Something such as "I am the fortunate father of XYZ children" and their age range. I know that it is hard to find someone that is a fit as a single parent, but you sound as though you have purchased suitcases and a plane ticket for as soon as the kid turns 18! I talk smashingly of my son, and he has his teenage difficulties, but that ain't nobodies business unless I decide it is their business.. its HIS business.

Another thing, you are a smoker looking in California, when I was a smoker (approaching 2 years nicotine free), it was harder for me to find someone, most Californians do not smoke. It is a problem for many subs... that is just the facts.

Men who state they want to punish me got passed by, why would I want someone that wanted to punish me for my transgressions before he even knew me or what I was about? And yes, before we decide we want to submit to you it is all about us... at least I felt that way, because afterwards it is a little late to bitch about what I have agreed to. I know many submissives are off put by the words strict, hard, punish, and training. It should be a joy to get to know a dom, not a classroom assignment a girl might fail.

Talking about your hobbies, your goals, your connection to vanilla people in a holistic way is far more attractive than telling us you are a smoker who cannot wait to get rid of his kid, and we can expect a lot of punishment and "retraining" (retraining sounds suspicously like re-education camp)

Your profile is an ad and it should invite and entice, there really isn't anything enticing in it except you are an attractive sorta guy. Your profile should spell out the type of character you want your women to have that would mesh with you, not just talking about how she is going to please you and do what you say, your profile does not inspire service and desire to please,... it isn't motivating. It should not be all about what you want, but what she needs.. and many of us do not need re-education nor punishments or patience...

Just some thoughts, reject them if they do not resonate with you

PS Women on this site usually do not have to go looking, we wait for men to email us (not always but it usually is not necessary for us to email as men tend to start the discussion). If you are waiting for a sub to take the initiative you might be waiting awhile even with an awesome profile



KatyLied -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 6:39:15 PM)

Paragraphing is your friend, non-Daddy.



justheather -> RE: My profile sucks, any advice (9/25/2006 6:54:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

... non-Daddy.


Persona-non-dada.

(Im sorry I could not stop myself from typing it.)



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