switching and power struggles?

switching and power struggles? (Full Version)

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gypsylee -> switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 5:12:12 AM)
hello, i am curious about switching and how people operate on a day-to-day basis. to cut a long story short, my ex-husband introduced me to bdsm as a Dom. he is now a switch, as is his fiance. they are also swingers. their relationship is extremely firey ~ basically they are either fighting or f***ing. why do i care what my ex and his partner get up to? because he's the father of my child and the volatility of the r'ship worries me. it seems to me there is a constant power struggle between them. just hoping some switches could provide me with some insight into how they deal with power struggles or what might be going wrong in this situation. thanks, gypsy.

StacyCat -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 3:27:27 PM)
Their relationship problems are not because they are switches or swingers. Relationships have many facets that cannot be boiled down to what they practice sexually. Some people crave the excitement that fighting can bring up, others are just drama filled, and many more have many more explanations.

gypsylee -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 3:44:34 PM)
thanx Stacy, yeah... they're definitely thrill-seekers who get off on drama. i just can't help but think that swinging and switching may sorta add fuel to the fire. by no means am i insinuating that switching = power struggles, just wondering how those of you out there who are in more settled relationships go about things. love, gypsy.

Aine -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 6:19:35 PM)
I agree absolutely with Stacy. I'm a switch, my boyfriend is a switch, and we have absolutely no problems that occur because of our switching to each other that have any negative effect on our base relationship. The basis of our relationship is not in BDSM, but rather vanilla. As to whether it will turn more into a D/s relationship, that is to be seen over time. We don't let that dynamic of our relationship interfere with our day to day living. There's no reason for us to involve that in our love and our friendship at this time. We have fun switching with each other and are enjoying exploring all that BDSM has to offer us. To me, it sounds like those two are just prone to fighting. It it not the main reason behind their volatility. Or perhaps they are letting it. There's no way for us to make any real strong argument for or against it. There's too many variables that we do not know about. Is there jealousy involved because they are swinging...the other people involved....jealousy perhaps because of the D/s connections one or the other is making with someone outside of the relationship? If you fear for the safety and or sanity of your child because of His and His Girlfriend's fighting, then you need to bring those concerns to him and talk to him in a very calm and controlled setting. Find out what is going on and let him know that you are worried about your child.

gypsylee -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 7:38:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aine ...our switching to each other that have any negative effect on our base relationship... i think the key here is 'base relationship'. you and your partner obviously know where each other stands whereas these two have no boundaries... everything spills over into everything else... yeah there's a stack of jealousy which borders on paranoia from what i can see (i was quite friendly with them for a while... uhh... not that friendly hehe) mmhmm with regard to my daughter, believe me, i've tried. it's an excersise in futility. hopefully i'll get more 'custody' next year tho, not because there's any legal involvement, simply because my life is becoming much more stable. but that's another story.

Aine -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 7:41:34 PM)
Well, I hope that things continue to go well for you, and quickly at that. It sounds like an extremely volatile situation, one that your little girl should not have to deal with.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 9:24:07 PM)
Uhh we go about them by being settled. Fighting can be fun, but it's not meant to be an ongoing daily thing, nor the basis of a long term relationship.

shadevarr -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/26/2006 11:06:19 PM)
There isn't anything in the dynamic of switches that would make more or less prone to fights. Actually, that just hold true for anything in this lifestyle. As far as the child, I would try to explain to her a bit of the fights. I still clearly remember my parents fighting and the thoughts that came with them, and they were far from healthy.

gypsylee -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/27/2006 4:47:09 PM)
thanx... yeah, she should not have to deal with their crap and i have spent so many nights in tears over the situation. however, she seems to be aware that she has a lot of security and stability on my side of the family (she's 5yo). she stays overnight once a week with my mother who she absolutely adores. this weekend she will be meeting my bf who has just moved in. i've been telling her about Him for months and they've 'spoken' on msn (well, sent winks and emoticons and i've translated stuff hehe). and yeah i've generally worded her up so she doesn't think, 'oh my god, who's this stranger sleeping in mummy's room?!' He's also very aware of how these things affect children and will not tolerate any sort of disruptive behaviour. i think He'll be a very good influence in that i will have more support and most of all she'll sense that her mother is happier and more secure (well she already has). anyway, thanks again... gypsy xxx

StacyCat -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/27/2006 9:11:16 PM)
Have you gotten the sex thing worked out? Is it right to bring a child into something that is not stable on your end either? I think the drama goes both ways.

Iskander -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/27/2006 10:35:59 PM)
Well if sex = stability then somethings very wrong... It was partially finding stability that put sex on hold a bit... Sex is easy, adjusting to new boundaries that come with living with someone after having a whole home to oneself for so long requires something more akin to a well choreographed tango, not anarchistic moshing.. Having said that I do look forward to some wild bestial (not bestiality) moshing with My little one...

brilliant -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/27/2006 10:38:04 PM)
I think the age and temperment of the child plays a huge role in her reactions. If she is a small child, any drama seems overwhelming. The same occurs with young teens. Anyhow, switching itself seems to be less of an issue than the drama of the relationship. I have a very stable relationship with a dominant partner and yet with some folks, I have horrid drama that is difficult to control. I think creating boundaries and clever definitions may be just the thing you need. Set your ideal and perhaps you can convince them to buy into it? Maybe you can get them to define themselves away from your domestic situation and then they can come back and agree to limits with you. Hurting children is usually something everyone wants to avoid.

gypsylee -> RE: switching and power struggles? (9/27/2006 10:58:15 PM)
ok. details about my daughter were only brought into this thread in response to Aine's post. quote: ORIGINAL: Aine Well, I hope that things continue to go well for you, and quickly at that. It sounds like an extremely volatile situation, one that your little girl should not have to deal with. a valid comment and i think i have the right to tell Aine what's going on. i am also excited about the situation. but my original post was about switching and power struggles...

Celeste43 -> RE: switching and power struggles? (10/7/2006 10:09:09 AM)
Assuming they aren't having swinging partners at home with the child in the house, their sex lives are not germane. However the volatile temperments is a serious concern. In my state it is common for the court to appoint a law guardian for the child, if there was one, then that is the person you should communicate your concerns about the constant fighting to.

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