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How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relations... - 9/26/2006 12:03:43 PM   
gwinnetmikega


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		I have a female friend who is in training to be a slave. It is a very bad relationship.
Any adivce on how I can talk to and get her out of the relationship?  The Master
has distanced her from all her friends and family.  Controls who she talks to and
all other outside the house activities.  She is still married - just left her husband to
be on her own.  She met this guy the week she separated from her husband.
The relationship is 5 weeks old.  Please help.  thanks,  mike

< Message edited by gwinnetmikega -- 9/26/2006 1:04:24 PM >
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:20:25 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Unfortunately all you can do is be there when she comes to the same conclusion. You might send her some links to sites that have abuse vs. D/s essays, so that she gets some idea as to what is ealthy D/s and what is not. However it is almost always a "You can lead a horse to water..." situation.

(in reply to gwinnetmikega)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:28:51 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Just make sure you are there when she needs out.  My vanilla marriage was like that.  He allianated everyone except my best friend and my mom.  Had it not been for them i don't know if i would have ever had the courage to get out.  But then that is why the allianation in an abusive situation is so important to cut off all avenues of escape.  When your friend realises what is/has happened your support will be apprectiated.  Until she decides it is time to go tho you will just have to watch.  Sorry i know it seems little enough to do but let her know you are always available when the time comes and then when you get the call be there.

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:35:36 PM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have often found that when I have told people that they are in a bad relationship that I get alianated. It has allways pushed them more into the bad relationship as they defend themselves.
You might try asking your friends questions that help them draw their own conclusion but other than that sometimes it seems the best thing to do is be there to pic all those little pieces up.  It sucks because you get caught between a hard place and a rock.  You can deal with watching your friend get hurt or you can deal with watching your friend get hurt. Maybe if you tell them that they are hurting  you and why then it might make them look inside a bit. However, sometimes the best
policy is to try to reinforce and help your friend reach there goals inspite of how you feel.  This
means sometimes you just have to take the hit or loose the friendship. 

Never say "I told you so..."   Because shit happens.

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:51:47 PM   
BrutalAntipathy


Posts: 412
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline 		Did the person willingly enter into such a relationship? Did she know what to expect from the start? Without knowing all of the details behind their relationship, it is hard for me to judge if I would even think that any action was necessary or not. One of my biggest gripes is lack of universally accepted definitions for terms in BDSM. If the girl considered herself a slave as I see the word defined, she would have given up any control of her life to her owner the minute she was collared. And do keep in mind that what to some onlookers may seem like a bad relationship, others may see as ideal. Has she contacted you and specifically said that the relationship is wrong somehow, or is this just an inference on your part because she has ceased contact with you?

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:55:00 PM   
gwinnetmikega


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		outside of a cult, i've never heard of any relationship in which one is required to give up contact with family and friends.  this is her first relationship - after a bad marriage -and i just think the Master manipulating her to get what he wants. 

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:56:51 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwinnetmikega

I have a female friend who is in training to be a slave. It is a very bad relationship.
Any adivce on how I can talk to and get her out of the relationship?  The Master
has distanced her from all her friends and family.  Controls who she talks to and
all other outside the house activities.  Please help.  thanks,  mike

 
This is a tough one.  On the one hand she is a consenting adult, and is there by her own volition. 
 
The question i would ask is if you believe she is indeed brainwashed by this guy?
Or, could be that she is not able to see past her own infatuation and/or  just too caught up in the moment of having her desires fulfilled.  For some, it is like a drug, and they do tend to leave others out of the picture until they come down a bit. Perhaps she may just need time to sort things out, for the height of the moment will subside eventually.
 
On the other hand, do you believe she is being abused and you believe this isolation is indicative of such actions by the Master? 
 
Either way the best you can do is to let her know you are there for her.
 
Perhaps speaking to the Master as a concerned friend may help?  Or is this not an option for you or any of her other friends?
 
Each dominant has their own methods, just another thing to consider, since you said she is in training. Perhaps she agreed to cut herself off for a time during this period of training for other reasons you may not be aware of?  Just some thoughts to consider, as anyone that asks another to isolate themselves, or tries to isolate someone (without their consent) is on the borderline of abuse as i see it...
 
Is your friend the type to act or behave this spontaneously? How well do you know her?  Has she had episodes of this type of behavior inthe past?

 

< Message edited by raiken -- 9/26/2006 1:13:16 PM >

(in reply to gwinnetmikega)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 12:59:42 PM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		The crux is already out there.

If she wants help, she has to get it, herself, first.  The more you push her, the more she will find excuses to stay where she is. 

When she realizes what is happening, she'll have to make that first step to leave.  Trying to do anything to stop it earlier will only force her to put more distance between the two of you.               


_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to raiken)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 1:02:52 PM   
OhReallyNow


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwinnetmikega

I have a female friend who is in training to be a slave. It is a very bad relationship.
Any adivce on how I can talk to and get her out of the relationship?  The Master
has distanced her from all her friends and family.  Controls who she talks to and
all other outside the house activities.  Please help.  thanks,  mike

unless your friend desires your help, there is not much that you can do. This slave would wonder why you think that the relationship is so bad? Obviously, she has accepted the rules set down by this Master of hers; who are you to say that it is wrong?
 
this slave is not trying to be offensive, just generally curious as to your reasons for wanting to remove her from such a relationship.

_____________________________

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CONFUCIUS ~

(in reply to gwinnetmikega)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 1:04:03 PM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwinnetmikega

I have a female friend who is in training to be a slave. It is a very bad relationship.
Any adivce on how I can talk to and get her out of the relationship?  The Master
has distanced her from all her friends and family.  Controls who she talks to and
all other outside the house activities.  Please help.  thanks,  mike

First of all you can only help her if she feels she needs help to get out of this situation. She needs to be the one wanting to leave, not you wanting it for her. Even though I may not like this type of M/s relationship personally, it is not up to me to tell someone else not to like it. I can be their friend and advise them and tell them what I am seeing that I do not like, but if she likes it then I cannot change their mind.
I wish you and your friend the best, and when she needs your help she will let you know.  

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to gwinnetmikega)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 1:06:29 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		All you can do is point her towards the help, and hope she igures out what's what. The idea of cutting off connection to Family and freinds (assuming it is beyond the initial I don't want you to be distracted while you learn the basics of what I want) tends to be a red flag for abuse.

Of course there is the other exception where the family and freinds are actually toxic to the prson in question and they need helpseperating from them for thier health.

Assuming that niether of these exceptions are in the picture still all you can do is wait for them to figure it out and then offer whatever assistance you can.

(in reply to Voltare)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 1:08:01 PM   
BrutalAntipathy


Posts: 412
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwinnetmikega

outside of a cult, i've never heard of any relationship in which one is required to give up contact with family and friends.  this is her first relationship - after a bad marriage -and i just think the Master manipulating her to get what he wants. 


Your not hearing of it doesn't stop it from happening. I hadn't heard of several things practiced in BDSM until I came here. I have also been approached at times by slaves that ASKED to be kept isolated. I generally talk with them for a while to find out if they have ever had such a relationship in the past. Most times they haven't, which leads to more questions such as how then do they know that they want this, would they consider a limited contract for a trial basis, etc. Most either chicken out or call me a poseur for expressing some concern. But some few have balked because I have suggested too LITTLE control. It takes all sorts, as everyone has their own ideal depth to plunge into. Few exceed my own, but there have been a notable few that make my level of control seem generous and light handed.

(in reply to gwinnetmikega)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 1:26:33 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		You can't fix people they have to fix themselves. All you can do is be there and be supportive when they start over.

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Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/26/2006 3:15:10 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		It has to be her choice to get out. All you can do is be there for her and maybe help pick up the pieces. As mentioned, trying to tell her it's bad, abusive, he's a really bad guy, is more likely to get her deeper involved and shunning your friendship, than to convince her to get out of the relationship. I've been in an abusive relationship and that's what I did to those who talked like that to me. It had to be my choice to leave and it was when I did so.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/27/2006 1:23:32 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwinnetmikega

I have a female friend who is in training to be a slave. It is a very bad relationship.
Any adivce on how I can talk to and get her out of the relationship?  The Master
has distanced her from all her friends and family.  Controls who she talks to and
all other outside the house activities.  She is still married - just left her husband to
be on her own.  She met this guy the week she separated from her husband.
The relationship is 5 weeks old.  Please help.  thanks,  mike


Judge less. Think more. Be yourself. Corollary: Let's others be themselves?

D (owner of j).

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to gwinnetmikega)
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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/27/2006 6:12:11 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I have to agree with all who say there is not a lot you can do but be supportive.  You can be there to help if and when she decides to get out.  You can try to educate her.  You can try to become friendly with her dominant and be a presense in their life so that she knows she has someone to lean on in case. 

You didn't give a lot of details as to why you thought the relationship was bad.  Is it perhaps just not your cup of tea?  How do you know so much about the relationship if she is not allowed to talk to anyone?  Is it possible it's a temporary situation or even one she is wanting because of her recent divorce...maybe she wants a bit of isolation. 

Regardless, all you can do is try to educate her.  The, she has to make her own choices in the matter.  If it falls apart, you can be a good friend and help pick her back up.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/27/2006 8:07:07 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Just because it would be a bad relationship for you does NOT mean it isn't exactly the relationship she has always craved and needed. By all means, talk to her about your concerns, but don't do so in a preachy "Its a bad relationship" approach, rather do it in a "I want to reassure myself that this is what you signed up for" way.

_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/27/2006 8:26:32 AM   
gwinnetmikega


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the responses - they have helped me.  I am not against the Dom/sub, Master/slave relationship.  My concern with this relationship is due to the Dom wanting to collar my friend from the first time they met.  My concern is that he had set a date to marry his current live-in slave and after 3 meetings with my friend - told my friend he doesn't want to marry his slave and wants to marry her - even though she is still married and just separated.  My concern is not with the lifestyle - it is with the Dom who seems to be pushing her and telling her bad things about his current slave with whom he is still living with and still supposed to be marrying.

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/27/2006 8:46:58 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		You are probably right to be concerned.  I'm not 100% certain since we don't know the story from all parties concerned...but yea, you probably are right.  It does not change the fact, however, that there is little you can do about it. 

quote:

By all means, talk to her about your concerns, but don't do so in a preachy "Its a bad relationship" approach, rather do it in a "I want to reassure myself that this is what you signed up for" way.


and also be sure she is aware that there are other options but she has to be the one to initiate them if she so desires.



_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: How Do You Help Someone In A Bad Master/slave Relat... - 9/27/2006 8:55:09 AM   
gwinnetmikega


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		Kat,  thanks for your response.  I am not being negative with my friend or her relationship. I will be there for her if/when she needs me.  I will always desire the best life for her and with whomever she wants that life with and in any style.  I will just be a great friend for her even though our contact is now severly limited - but I will be there for her - even if it takes years.  :)

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