WhippingPostNY
Posts: 46
Joined: 9/2/2006
Status: offline
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<Warning: Long Reply>
lilmado,
This is a great post. Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly with us.
I read your profile and you seem like a lovely young submissive girl. (I am not hitting on you - as I do not fit your requirements). Just wanted to say that you seem sincere and somewhat lovely in your innocence.
I would like you to consider your dilemma from a little different prospective. If for nothing else - just to get to know yourself, and consider your submissiveness from a slightly different angle.
Is your desire to please your Dom? Do you derive (at least partly) your pleasure by allowing Him to guide you, to lead you, and to make decisions for you (hopefully ones that are in your best interest - always. (Which would require that he take the time to get to know you, to understand your wants, needs, motivations, desires, sensibilities - this process does take time dear).
I am often fascinated by a submissive who is so very willing to allow her Dom to take a belt to her most sensitive flesh - but immediately becomes upset when he does not take her feelings into consideration. It's sort of like beat my body - I like that - beat my emotions - and I'll need to leave you because you don't care about me. This is not an
indictment of you - I am just trying to say I find this logic very interesting.
I personally desire a relationship where a love develops between the D/s/s. Personally, I would not accept a sub unless I determined that I was at least susceptible to falling in love with her, and her with me. So I relate and understand your feelings described in your original post.
I also have a keen understanding of my own submissive feelings - having at one time in my life desired to surrender to a Woman. These experiences allowed me to feel the feelings of a submissive. And to come to understand those feelings and motivations - at least for myself.
So my point? I would invite you to sit quietly and experience the feelings that you felt - when you thought your Dom was speaking with another sub. How do they feel? Don't panic darling. Don't get agitated and lose the moment (this is where bondage comes in handy ;-). Now relate those feeling to other things that your Dom does that cause you to feel "submissive" to him. Are they entirely dissimilar dear?
Perhaps it is that the emotional pain you experience is just that much more intense? Harder to endure?
Where I a sub - I would still have my own wants and desires. But my relationship (for me) would be about lying my sovereignty at the feet of my Domme. I would make my feelings know to her - and then watch how she handled me. Always mindful that I am submitting to her because I already am aware that she is better suited to know what is best for me. I need her for that.
I would feel my feelings - and when she chose to do other than my wishes - I would realize (remember) that she is my Domme, and I her sub. This is after all what I asked for. What I need. I am not qualified to decide what she should do - or what is best for her or for us. I must leave that to her.
I would do my very best to channel my (submissive) suffering in a way that it becomes beautiful. In the way that causes me to feel as though I belong to her all the more. In that sweet way. It would eventually become a sweet torment - rather than a debilitating pain. More evidence of my ownership, or at least that I belong to her.
Were I unable to endure this well, I would go to my Domme and confess all. I would ask for her guidance and direction, and/or correction to help me to surrender this part of me - that is not serving her. Personally, I would find a joy there.
I am certain that had I ever found the Domme whose inner strength was sufficient to cause my utter surrender (that would of course be my goal) I would most certainly come to love her with all of my heart. I would not ever require her to reciprocate that love. Only that she care for me. Take care of me. Treat me in a loving way - according to her own will. If she did come to stand in love with me that would be perfect! If she did not - I am certain that I would manage to find a sort of masochistic pleasure in that fact, and love her all the more for it. (But then - I'm likely strange like that) ;-)
As a Dom, I will not agree to limit myself to any one person, or to "loving" my sub in the early stages of getting to know one another. I do not even believe that to be possible. Certainly not before meeting in person. I could trick myself that I am feeling love - but likely it is other feelings I am labeling as love (another interesting topic - but for another time).
I may not ever agree to limit myself (this is most likely the case) as there is no need for me to do so. That said - once I extend my collar to my pet - I would already care very deeply for her. How could I not? It is likely that my understanding of her sensibility in this regard would keep me from seeking another sub, unless I thought or decided that it was good or in the best interest of both of us (Explaining that is a much longer answer - and I don't wish to hijack your thread).
The purpose of the "under consideration" stage is really for getting to know one another and to gauge compatibility. Both of these require your self honesty. Lest you become entangled in a relationship that is not in fact your ideal. Or worse yet - you end up in a long term D/s where you are in fact settling for far less than you truly want and need. (like many vanilla marriages). Sadness.
I have not said any of these things to you in order to tell you what you're "supposed to" be - nor to tell you how you should feel, or what you should do. I am mearly attempting to let you have a look inside of my own feelings and understanding with regard to your OP.
Food for thought darling.
I noticed that someone advised you to make a list of what you must have in order to surrender fully to one Dom. This is an excellent idea. If monogamy in your relationship is a hard limit for you - you must then face that truth. You will then know that any Dom (such as myself) who does not share that ideal - is in fact not compatible with you. Sometimes it is very hard to face a truth like that. Because the Dom could be so perfect for you in so many other ways. If you deny your own hard limit - then you sell yourself short.
I wish you the very best in your quest to surrender yourself darling. I know that sometimes it can seem like there is such a sense of urgency, but remember this - no matter how long it takes for you to find the Dom you chose to surrender to - once you are his - you will be so glad that you waited. At that time - it will seem like only a moment had passed till you were with him. It will be worth the trouble you went to darling.
Have Fun in the process!
So the answers to your dilemma ultimately reside within yourself. It is good that you came and asked for wise and abundant counsel - but when it is all said and done - it is you who must decide. It is you who must love and care for you - at least till you are collared by a Dom who can "love" you. (My def of Love: An outgoing care and concern for the well-being of another - to treat in a loving manner:).
WP
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In a bedroom locked ... whispers soft. Refusal. And then ... surrender.
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