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Advice - 9/28/2006 10:49:17 PM

MistressWildfire

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/2/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I am just wondering if any well experienced Mistresses can give me some good advice on some basics to the lifestyle of D/s for a beginner Mistress to learn and practice?

My fiance came to me about a month ago to sit and talk to me about his love for BDSM, and how he has been keeping a secret about how he wants me to have full control over him only in the bedroom. I am currently reading Female Domination by Elise Sutton. I thought maybe I should do some reading into things and listen to others that are experienced before I begin anything. I have also watched a few BDSM videos to see some of what is involved into some of the play. My fiance has had other Mistresses in his past relationships, and I have listed his likes and dislikes and hard limits in my profile. Everything under the catagories for BDSM are his, as I am new and really dont know what I like or dislike as of yet. I guess I am just really confused on where I need to begin things, so I can start experimenting with him. I could really use the advice, thanks all that are willing to share.

Post #: 1

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 3:48:03 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Hello. I hope you don't mind a male version of a Domme giving an opinion.

First, it is good that you are being open-minded about his desires, or at least that is the assumption I'm making.

As it seems, he is bringing the idea to you. Was there any inclination on your part beforehand, or are you starting 'completely' from scratch? As you will eventually discover, how successful you are becoming the type of woman he is looking for in that regard depends on your 'growth' in your education and whether it starts to become an exciting, erotic part of your nature.

You are already on the right track. You are doing some reading, and the videos will provide a visual basis. I don't know if it is available to you, but going to public demonstrations are going to be more valuable in telling you some of the 'do's and don'ts' about play that a video cannot. If your fiance has that experience as well, then he can assist.

Being that he has experience that you are currently lacking, your challenge will be internal. Your desire to become the sort of Mistress that he desires will be a process that you undertake. You will require some patience for yourself. It also takes some creativity to start thinking outside HIS box, which is probably when actual submission starts to take place.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to MistressWildfire)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 4:58:17 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

First of all sit down and make yourself a check list of what you are curious about, what you find really hot and what you find a turn off. Since he is going to be a bedroom submissive only, I can only guess your doing this to fulfil his desires. With that in mind ask him to make the same checklist and compare them, see what you two have in common and go from there.

Go slow and read all that you can. If possible you might want to join a local community and perhaps meet some of the Dommes, I'm sure they'd be happy to give you some pointers.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 3

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 5:14:15 AM

MistressWildfire

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/2/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Hello Mstrjx,

Yes, I am very open to his desires. I didn't have any idea before hand that he was into BDSM and yes I am starting from scratch. I wish I had something close so I could go watch a live demonstration, but all I have right now are videos. I started reading books and joined a few message boards a day after he told me about it, so I can learn about it and enjoy it without having to worry about doing everything right. What do you mean by thinking outside his box?

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 5:26:55 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Cheers again,

What I meant is that for a while, you will be catering to his desires. Now, there is nothing wrong with that if that is what makes both of you happy, but that isn't him 'submitting' to you and your needs/desires/fantasies.

When you can take him above and beyond 'his' element, you will then actually be 'mastering' him. That will get his attention, and adoration, in a new and different (hopefully better) way.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to MistressWildfire)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 7:12:31 PM

pinkheels

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

he talk about crossdressing

(in reply to MistressWildfire)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 7:14:24 PM

pinkheels

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

hello my love for crossdressing,is this not normal

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 7:19:05 PM

degradess

Posts: 68
Joined: 7/15/2005
Status: offline

there are some magazines where they show you how to cross dress from start to finish. I have one of them and its very instructive.

(in reply to pinkheels)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 7:40:40 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

In the beginning, there is going to be a lot of topping from the bottom, as they say. Especially if he has experience and you dont, experiment with what he likes that you might be interesed in. Find your favorites, then both of you should sit down and think of other things to experiment with, where you will both be learning. Just make sure you remain the Domme, and it doesnt become all about him. If you dont enjoy something, dont do it strictly to humor him.
And feel free to ask any of us for pointers, privately if youd prefer.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to degradess)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice - 9/29/2006 8:21:08 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

My favorite books to begin on this journey were (In no particular order:
1) The Mistress Manual, the good girl's guide to female dominance
2) Sexually Dominant woman
3) Screw the Roses, send me the thorns.
4) The Loving Dominant
5) The Family Jewels
If you google, or check Greenery Press, you will find these books and their authors.
Good luck, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MistressWildfire)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice - 10/23/2006 11:33:38 PM

MistressLadyMuse

Posts: 5
Joined: 10/12/2006
From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

There are many ways about going about learnign what works for you, reading books that touch on the subject are just one of the ways, even joining online groups can help, though even thouse you need to take with a grain of salt or a bucket in some cases.

If there are local clubs/events in your area such as munches I'd attend them and mingle and get to know the locals so to speak (your partner should know the local community or I'd assume he would if he's been around a while).

Baring that you can find some great articles at sexuality.org on bdsm they offer many articles which might well help you. You might also see about going though the submissive checklist yourself and see what listed items catch your attention as in which ones you yourself might be interterested in doing or preforming on your boy.

You can also just do some basics, such as putting a sleep mask over him in bed and getting a feather and teasing him with it, but at the same time telling him he can't move, or cum or the like. using scarves to start out with instead of hand cuffs or standard leather cuffs also might help get things going if the idea works for you.

You also might seek out a Dominant who might well be willing to mentor you in Topping or at least be willing to help you understand the other side of the deal then what your boy says.

_____________________________

Lady Muse
http://misladymuse.livejournal.com
http://ladymuse.wordpress.com

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 2:25:41 AM

LaraVictore

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/23/2006
From: http://www.laravictore.com
Status: offline

To haters: French is still My first language. Close this if you intend to drop poopies, the world does not need your pettiness and vulgarity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, as an experienced Dominatrix switching to owning with awareness :) a slave for the first time, I am going through the same phase of investigation, by lack of better word...Ironically, I have possessed slaves 2 times before. It just came naturally, cause one of them was in a country where slavery is legal and the other one has simply been dishonest/smart enough by letting Me be his Owner (3 years!), based on My natural inclinations without even dropping the word BDSM! This should also tell you that therotical knowledge over owning a slave is not a major requirement for it to work greatly but communication and clarity are, even if your fiancé has seen the Mistress in you, before yourself! Reading about other's experience is not a bad idea, you will only keep whatever is similar to your own instincts but do not overrate the x steps to become the Awesome Mistress Perfect! Personally, I am writing My own slave guidelines by following My intuition and weighing every result I am getting! (An Ocean could not keep Me apart from My slave who is also My lover in Real Life and a novice, I am very lucky!). A few months ago, a Angel Informator Dom here on collarme, sent Me EXCELLENT guidelines about , directly My private box, hopefully he comes across this cause his mail was deleted (f@?!), by probably the system.
Again in short, My true love came with that deep urge to feel owned. And I want to own him properly, as I do not want to pass out on what I consider to be the most precious gift that a man can give Me. You won't feel any topping from the bottom akwardness at this time, as you are a novice. Let him lead you from times to times by talk, outside an intimate context. Mine talks about his needs during grocery shopping! There is nothing that will keep a slave in love to say and do the right thing, as your fiancé has already demonstrated. Consider this: he could have led a secret BDSM life without you knowing! It is totally possible, who have I catered to the last 3 years? Your fiancé might even come with a better idea than my slave: this morning he left a letter and a key...to our future trips to BDSM heaven. Do not even fret, the right style comes easily, especially where love is involved...just do not throw away the towel yet or get the kleenex box. Great things come easily to those who expect it.

_____________________________

Nothing is sexier than a praying man:
"I revealed Your character & Your very Self, & I will continue to make [You] known, that the love which You have bestowed upon Me may be in them & that I may be in them. By Master King J.C. John17,26

(in reply to MistressWildfire)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 3:23:42 AM

LaraVictore

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/23/2006
From: http://www.laravictore.com
Status: offline

P.S. If there are special rituals to be followed to officially become Owner and slave, I would not mind getting into it LATER. But I will think about it more like a vow renewal process.
Lara Victore
http://www.superiorfemdom.com/cgi-bin/sites/rankem.cgi?id=Aristar

_____________________________

Nothing is sexier than a praying man:
"I revealed Your character & Your very Self, & I will continue to make [You] known, that the love which You have bestowed upon Me may be in them & that I may be in them. By Master King J.C. John17,26

(in reply to LaraVictore)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 6:09:22 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaraVictore

P.S. If there are special rituals to be followed to officially become Owner and slave, I would not mind getting into it LATER. But I will think about it more like a vow renewal process.
Lara Victore
http://www.superiorfemdom.com/cgi-bin/sites/rankem.cgi?id=Aristar

"Official"?

How could something that is really about unique relationships between unique individuals have "official" anything? This question along with questions about the "way" to the "manual" or the "guide" or the "rules" or the anything else that seems to suggest there is only one way to do things always blows my mind and makes me a bit angry.

Part of the joy of being a dominant into BDSM is the fact that beyond what I consider SSC or RACK (if you prefer) is that I do it my way with consideration of my property. Doing it some "official" way would be missing the entire point of being kinky and being a dominant in my opinion.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LaraVictore)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 8:07:41 AM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Part of the joy of being a dominant into BDSM is the fact that beyond what I consider SSC or RACK (if you prefer) is that I do it my way with consideration of my property. Doing it some "official" way would be missing the entire point of being kinky and being a dominant in my opinion.

Yep, pretty much. That's really why I don't have a lot of use for Elise Sutton. I have had newbie subs send me this material before, but I found it a joke/turn-off--basically, my impression upon reading it is that most of the world regards "female domination" as yet another way that women can "service" men and fulfill their sexual desires. Some of the things on "Elise Sutton's" laundry list of Things a Good Femme Domme Must Do are ridiculously submissive in my opinion, not to one man in particular but to all men and to society in general--especially where conforming to conventional beauty standards and codes of dress are concerned.

Let's see...I'm in charge...and I'm a big bad female supremacist...but I still have to look like I just walked out of the Victoria's Secret catalog and I have to wear a complete ensemble of the shoes, clothes, make-up and jewelry that constitute the femme domme "uniform". And then I get to put my "submissive" through a round of activities which are designed to give pleasure to him, not to me?

Yeah. Sure. That's real "dominant" of me. I'll be sure to rush right out and buy a closet full of six-inch heels and organ-crushing corsets--after all, I see male dominants wearing that stuff all the time. In fact, every dominant male figure I've ever seen was just OBVIOUSLY ruled by the sexual needs and wants of submissive women, and was tailoring every detail of his behavior and appearance to their whims--from the Pope to the President, male authority is all about what girlsubbies want!

No thanks.

Personally, I got the impression that "Elise Sutton" was a man writing out of desire to make his fantasies real, intending to create a subculture of people living out his fantasies of "female domination" as a new form of service to men. Kind of like John Norman...but a weedy little weenie in drag as opposed to a weedie little weenie in a sportcoat.

Me, I've got better things to do. Like...whatever the hell I want.

--M

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 9:26:52 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

Although I enjoy BDSM play its different then female domination. In fact when I first got into the lifestyle the BDSM part wasn’t all that thrilling for me. I thought it was all kind of silly. Then I started dabbling here and there over the years and enjoyed it. The more I understood it and experienced it the more I wanted to try new things.
Go to http://www.femsupreme.com/village/ its free. I started a monthly program “Becoming a Dominatrix”. Although it does touch on the topic of becoming a professional, if you chose to, the core of the program focuses on discovering female domination. It highlights the emotional and spiritual aspects.

I also just added, “Sex Slave Academy” which is a free ongoing slave training program which is very good. Its something the two of you can do together.
The best of luck to you. Read as much as you can and network as often as possible. It’s a wonderful and exciting journey. Dianna Vesta

_____________________________

(in reply to Morrigel)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 9:28:18 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
Part of the joy of being a dominant into BDSM is the fact that beyond what I consider SSC or RACK (if you prefer) is that I do it my way with consideration of my property. Doing it some "official" way would be missing the entire point of being kinky and being a dominant in my opinion.

I love that statement and totally agree. I see this as being one of the hardest things for new Domina's to break free from.

_____________________________

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 10:09:42 AM

LadyMorgynn

Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline

Dianna, I was thoroughly impressed with the first 2 parts of your Becoming a Dominatrix series that you have out so far. While I have not the slightest interest in being a pro Domme, I am a lifestyle Domina and I was amazed at how accurately you wrote about the emotional and spiritual aspects of Fem Domination, and the mindset of being dominant. You unerringly described thoughts and feelings that I experience as a Domina, more accurately than I could probably express myself. The first thing I did was to send my slave over to read these excellent installments, as well as the "What a Domina Wants" which you have in your Sex Slave Academy section, which was also right on the money!

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

Although I enjoy BDSM play its different then female domination. In fact when I first got into the lifestyle the BDSM part wasn’t all that thrilling for me. I thought it was all kind of silly. Then I started dabbling here and there over the years and enjoyed it. The more I understood it and experienced it the more I wanted to try new things.
Go to http://www.femsupreme.com/village/ its free. I started a monthly program “Becoming a Dominatrix”. Although it does touch on the topic of becoming a professional, if you chose to, the core of the program focuses on discovering female domination. It highlights the emotional and spiritual aspects.

I also just added, “Sex Slave Academy” which is a free ongoing slave training program which is very good. Its something the two of you can do together.
The best of luck to you. Read as much as you can and network as often as possible. It’s a wonderful and exciting journey. Dianna Vesta

_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to DiannaVesta)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 2:26:42 PM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMorgynn

Dianna, I was thoroughly impressed with the first 2 parts of your Becoming a Dominatrix series that you have out so far. While I have not the slightest interest in being a pro Domme, I am a lifestyle Domina and I was amazed at how accurately you wrote about the emotional and spiritual aspects of Fem Domination, and the mindset of being dominant. You unerringly described thoughts and feelings that I experience as a Domina, more accurately than I could probably express myself. The first thing I did was to send my slave over to read these excellent installments, as well as the "What a Domina Wants" which you have in your Sex Slave Academy section, which was also right on the money!

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

Although I enjoy BDSM play its different then female domination. In fact when I first got into the lifestyle the BDSM part wasn’t all that thrilling for me. I thought it was all kind of silly. Then I started dabbling here and there over the years and enjoyed it. The more I understood it and experienced it the more I wanted to try new things.
Go to http://www.femsupreme.com/village/ its free. I started a monthly program “Becoming a Dominatrix”. Although it does touch on the topic of becoming a professional, if you chose to, the core of the program focuses on discovering female domination. It highlights the emotional and spiritual aspects.

I also just added, “Sex Slave Academy” which is a free ongoing slave training program which is very good. Its something the two of you can do together.
The best of luck to you. Read as much as you can and network as often as possible. It’s a wonderful and exciting journey. Dianna Vesta

Thank you. When I first started the course “Becoming a Dominatrix” it was suppose to strictly be for professionals needing help. Then once I got into it it pretty much evolved. I wanted to address both worlds because IMO a good professional is someone who truly understands the dynamic. So although there will be sections here and there about professional domination, the largest portion will deal with the attitude, style, spiritual, emotional and of course how to conduct scenes. I’ll have a lot of great new ideas and secrets I have yet to share.

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyMorgynn)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice - 10/24/2006 10:20:04 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I would also like to congratulate you for being open-minded enough to hear and explore interests your fiance has, for many others cannot claim as much.

As you discuss and list activities, I think it might help to understand why the activities are important. I think it will help you two understand each other better, and identify other activities that may be of interest. It will also help discuss, expand, or understand boundaries that each person has.

Also, doing something for him that he enjoys is not necessarily the antithesis to dominance. For instance, there are many things I enjoy as a submissive which do not necessarily put me in a position of advantage other than that they wonderfully affect me. I enjoy them because they represent a ritual of dominance and submission. That is, I did not consciously choose the said activity. Instead, I was somehow exposed to it over the course of time and it resonated with me with respect to showing dominance and submission. And so, in my opinion, an activity that signifies your dominance and his submission does not lose its value if suggested by him as long as you also see it to similarly reflect dominance and submission.

There may be some activities (eg activities related to a fetish) that do not represent a power exchange and are mostly, if not entirely, for his benefit. The benefit for you there may be only the satisfaction you might feel for having done something for your partner. I don't see any such activity to undermine dominance in itself--I think dominance is defined by a broader picture. I would see such an activity to suggest that you are a compassionate person who cares about her partner and his happiness, which I don't see to be at odds with dominance. If you do find yourself exercising such flexibility, I think it is fair for you to expect and for him to make an effort to reciprocate in a similar manner.

I think your idea to watch in person versus watching vidoes is a good one. Videos do not allow the same clarity nor the ability to ask questions. Also, unless the video is an instructional one, it may lean too much towards fantasy with no regard to safety and reality, and may not serve as a good learning tool.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to MistressWildfire)

Post #: 20

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