question from a straight female sub

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songbird26 -> question from a straight female sub (1/17/2005 7:14:44 PM)
Hello, Ma'ams! I've read through some of the posts here, and have seen some very intelligent and thoughtful replies, which makes me feel more comfortable posting my own question. I'm a straight female submissive with some experience in this lifestyle. I've confined my search so far to male dominants, since that's ideally what I'm looking for. I have had sexual experiences with vanilla women before; though I enjoyed myself on a purely physical level, I knew something was missing, and realized I was straight. However, I am eager to learn and experience more of my own submission and the control of a dominant, and I've seen enough to know that many of the most accomplished and respected dominants are female. If I were completely up-front about my sexual orientation, do you think it would be out of line for me to widen my search a bit more to include dominant women, at least for 'training'? I'm starting to think that completely aside from the sexual aspect, there would be as much joy and fulfillment in truly submitting to a genuinely dominant woman as there would be to a genuinely dominant man (something I'm having a lot of trouble finding). I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter and will take all your opinions into consideration. Thank you!

SwitchNCgal -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/17/2005 7:41:27 PM)
maybe, perhaps you should try to find one that has male submissives as well and see if you can form a relationship with him to "fill in the gaps" that a Dominat women doesn't. But I think the best thing would to try and find a male even though that is the hard route, but in either caseit would depend more on your relationship with the Dominat and their Likes and Dislikes.

LadyBadger -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/17/2005 7:43:00 PM)
my first comment would be "define 'training' as it means to YOU"... ::smile:: and I'd probably ask further what specifically do you think you would learn from a FemDomme as opposed to a MaleDome? IOW, what BDSM-oriented subject do you think I can teach you that you can't learn from a MaleDom? esp. since overt sexual contact would probably NOT happen (esp. if we're both straight)... that's what comes to MY mind first... ::smile::

BeachMystress -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/17/2005 7:50:22 PM)
I do not find it a problem in the least as long as you were totally honest with the people in question. I count myself as totally straight, yet I have topped women several times. It is about power, not sex when I'm with a woman. In a BDSM setting, I will play with female subs in all ways but orally. (me on her.. in the case of me getting, a tongue is a tongue. :-D ) Good Dominant men are almost as rare as good Dominant women. Searching for either takes time. Remember the old kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-to-get-your-prince adage? It applies here. Often when you find a good Dominant of either sex, they have a very loyal and protective submissive(s) who won't be overly happy about sharing the boss. The positive news for you is, not all of the subs who are serving those good Dominants are good subs. There is a chance the Dominant you seek is ready for a change, so don't despair. It is hard for even the good Dominants to find a suitable sub. I like to consider myself a good Dominant (like any Dominant isn't going to consider themselves good.. laughs at self) and it took three years of searching to find what I wanted. Domme are more likely than Dom to keep stables for the simple law of supply and demand. (Oh yes, and the fact that females tend towards being more jealous of sharing their mate. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off, jealous femsub!) The male to female ratio is way in our favor. When you are female, there is "always another bus coming along." Putting yourself in the hetro female willing to serve female group does make you more valuable in terms of people looking. There have been times when I'd have been happy to add a bi-curious hetro femsub to the mix. If you add that you're willing to serve a Domme to your profile, you will probably get a new breed of wanker contacting you. Some men are in this lifestyle for the sex aspect of it, rather than the power and control; and may see you as an opportunity for live girl on girl porn since you seem willing to be with a female. Good luck weeding through those jerks.

ProtagonistLily -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/17/2005 8:10:00 PM)
quote: If I were completely up-front about my sexual orientation, do you think it would be out of line for me to widen my search a bit more to include dominant women, at least for 'training'? No, I don't think that, if you are comfortable, you should discount a Mistress. However, I think that what's important is that you take the same process that you would to find a Male Dom. Opening your search by including woman will not necessarily give you better chances of finding someone. If that is why you are broadening your search criteria, your results may be the same as when searching exclusively for a Male Dom. As Beach said, you might have to kiss a lot of frogs so to speak... In the "sexual orientation" part of the discussion, I'm straight. How I define straight is by this criteria: I do not actively seek females out for relationship purposes. I have played with woman, and I have been in sexual situations with women, but I do not consider woman when I consider a relationship. I'm simply explaining how I'm wired... Is there a BDSM organization near you that you could join to meet others in your area and participate in workshops, etc? Lily

SwitchNCgal -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/17/2005 8:58:41 PM)
yeah i know what you mean about the men that send their femsubs to look for another fem to join their "family" only so that they could watch girl on girl live. you have to be willing to tell the dominat and their sub to well take their plans and shove them someplace very uncomfortable and ignore them and if possiable tell your freinds online or otherwise about them so they can be forwarnd about those people if they can be called that. And if I havn't said so yet good luck.

songbird26 -> response to LadyBadger (1/18/2005 6:37:56 PM)
Thank you so much for your reply! Hmm, defining "training"...I suppose it would be assistance in finding real submission and obedience, for me, not just 'playacting' or pretend. Which is very hard for me, since I'm fairly type-A and very take-charge in most aspects of my life. I've found that really giving up and giving in is incredibly difficult. Finding the place in my mind where I'm really willing to give over control to someone else...I've only touched it a few times, and I am just longing to get back there! Taking the sexual aspect out of it...might make it harder or easier, I'm really not sure which way it'd go until I tried it! I'd certainly be able to focus on different things. I might be less willing to please for pleasing's sake alone, but that might be a good thing. I'd certainly be less willing to submit until I'd established real respect and even awe of the dom, which, again, might really help with the whole genuine submission aspect of things. And my female dominant would certainly be able to reward me sexually, still, just by letting me play with my vibrator (maybe with supervision? Who can say?). They're very good questions you ask. I'd be very interested in at least interacting with a female dominant, to at least test it out.

songbird26 -> reply to BeachMystress (1/18/2005 6:50:18 PM)
Ah, sharing the boss! I don't know that I'm interested in becoming part of a 'stable', though I'd mind it much less if the dominant was female (maybe that's just because I think women are more capable of multitasking. grin). But I don't generally do the pissed-off, jealous routine: if the situation is such that it's provoking that kind of response in me, I will simply leave it. Life's too short to spend in vitriol. I'd be entirely willing to serve a female dominant in a purely power-based relationship. And it might even become more, who can say? I've found that deep emotional connections can cause some pretty unusual events, up to and including sexual attraction, and I'm certainly not counting that out. What I am NOT willing to do is to join some pseudodom and his girlfriend and give them someone to pretend to order around while they get their jollies in the corner. Heh. Not a chance. Thank you for your reply! I truly do appreciate it.

LadyBadger -> RE: response to LadyBadger (1/18/2005 11:40:15 PM)
what has helped me in making sense on WIITWD is to find parallels in real life to become a model... what traits, skills, attitudes, duties have I seen elsewhere in others in my daily life that model what I want to become or learn more about? ::smile:: so you're a Type A, take charge kinda gal -- who supports such a person? who would give over control to support and nurture her sxuperior? see anything out there? or someone who would support the project totally, proudly performing her part, regardless of knowing the "big picture", but taking pride in knowing her part is well done... or perhaps to be someone's "right arm" or "tool" to be used as desired by that one's Dominant? to be so skilled and valuable, yet releasing all ownership of the task... think about it... ::smile:: I'm sure you can find several models/parallels in real life...

MizSuz -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/19/2005 5:06:56 AM)
Songbird, I don't think widening your search for a female dominant is a bad idea, nor do I think the fact that you are straight is necessarily a problem should you decide to do so. All relationships should be well defined, or at least what you want and don't want should be well defined, before you begin with someone (male or female). If you've done these things and found someone that you are well suited to then your being straight won't matter. However, if you are straight and if you are genuinely looking for a male dom, well, they are out there. Lawrence (topcat here on collar me) is a good example of a very skilled dominant with a very open mind who is adept at not only S&M play but also D/s structures in relationships. I've known him real time for several years now and recommend him highly. I see from your profile that you are in New York. It's a pretty big state, but Lawrence is in New York as well (and I know he doesn't mind traveling a bit to see someone he considers special - cause he comes to visit me in Fairfield County, CT and we are just friends!) <smile> Perhaps if you did a search here on cm on the forums and read some of his postings you would find out a bit more about him. As a female dominant I make it pretty tough on females when they approach me. I require that they call me immediately so I can confirm they are female. I don't give them very much slack until they have voice confirmed with me. The reason? Because a lot of guys looking to play online 'what will you do to me" games often create female profiles and approach dominant women that way. So I tend to require a voice confirmation before I will even interact with them online more than to say hello. And while I can't speak for all females I will tell you that the general concensus of what I've heard over the years is that female dominants are much harder S&M players than men (now this is a gross generalization - there are topics in which it's been discussed here on CM). That's something to consider when you approach a woman, too. Good luck to you in your search,

NATI -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/19/2005 10:03:27 AM)
I agree with MizSuz - if you are interested in meeting a male Dom, they are out there. It takes time to find a good, quality Dominant. I also think I see an undercurrent of real curiosity in your questions. I think people get way too caught up in labels. I would have no problems working with a 'straight' female sub - though like you, I would make no presumptions about what might or could happen - or where it could lead. I also can and do work within those same perameters (no sex) because sex does not have to be there to have a good dynamic with my sub. If you are curious. go for it.

songbird26 -> RE: question from a straight female sub (1/19/2005 7:14:58 PM)
Thank you for your reply, and for your recommendation. I certainly wouldn't be averse to phone verification (it'd help me eliminate the men playing at being female dominants, too!), and I think in general it's a good idea to establish veracity as early on in the relationship as possible. Especially since I'm not interested in a long-distance or online relationship. I've found some very intelligent and attractive men through various alternative dating services, but none have 'clicked' with me, so far. Either our kinks don't line up, or they don't inspire any kind of real desire to submit in me, and I end up running the show. :) Definitely not the desired result! I wonder if a female dominant might be less manipulable, and therefore more strict and firm, and therefore more in line with what I'm looking for (I know, I know, gross generalizations...but with a straight female dominant, I think there'd be less of a distraction in the form of sexual interest!). However, I'm absolutely uninterested in pain, and wouldn't be a good fit for someone whose BDSM interests were primarily in sadism. So it's a difficult search. And I think I'll open it up a little and see where it takes me. Thank you again for your response, I appreciate your thoughts!

songbird26 -> Reply to protagonistlily (1/19/2005 7:32:07 PM)
I've recently moved out of New York City, where there were many organizations, clubs, etc. Unfortunately I'm in a much less cosmopolitain area now, but with any luck I'll be able to sniff out some kind of interest group, at least. :) Thank you for your suggestions! I would definitely go about finding a female dominant with the same care as I would with a male...I might even be more selective, since the aspect of 'romance' or sexual attraction wouldn't come into play. It sounds like I'm wired rather similarly to you...if I see a good looking man and a good looking woman walking down the street, my eyes will track the man every time. And I don't consider women when I think of relationships. However, everyone's responses have encouraged me to keep my search open. Though I am still searching primarily for a male dominant, I think that learning from a mistress, even short term, might be a wonderful opportunity. Thanks!

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Reply to protagonistlily (1/24/2005 2:36:22 PM)
Or you could ust find a male dominant who has a female dominant as a partner... But where would you find that??? smile Yours, Taggard

ProtagonistLily -> RE: Reply to protagonistlily (1/24/2005 3:18:53 PM)
quote: Or you could ust find a male dominant who has a female dominant as a partner... But where would you find that??? smile Yours, Taggard The peanut gallery, as they say, has spoken [8\|] Gee....lemme think ~wink~ Lily

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