More comfortable with a woman?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

More comfortable with a woman?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> More comfortable with a woman?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

More comfortable with a woman? - 1/18/2005 7:36:22 AM

arkyte

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/2/2004
Status: offline

Hello all,

This is my first time posting here but I had a question that hopefully someone will be able to give some insight on.

Here’s a little about us.
My fiancé and I have been experimenting lately with being sub and domme we both enjoy it and lately we’ve been looking around the internet and viewing videos to get ideas of things we can try. She as also recently purchased a couple books on being a domme and mistress, which she quickly read and enjoyed. The last few times we’ve tried to have a “scene” she gets really nervous and usually calls it off before anything really gets started. Now last night we were watching a bondage video and she says to me. “I could see myself doing that to a girl”. I was confused so I asked her to elaborate, long story short she tells me that she really likes being a domme but can’t “do things like that to me” because she has too much of an emotional attachment. She expressed interest in finding a female to maybe explore more with because she'd feel more comfortable with another girl in a D&S setting.

Now here’s my question. Is this a “common” problem? If so is there anything we can do as a couple to try to overcome it?

Thank you for reading this and any advice you can share.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/18/2005 8:35:56 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I've heard this many times before, from both sides.. Sometimes, when the Dom/me loves the sub, they can't imagine doing horrid things to them. This can ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship. Your Domme needs to realize that BDSM can be a form of expressing love and caring. The more I care about a sub, the better I am at Dominating them.

You folks need to have a talk. Reassure her that you will let her know while she is learning if something is too hard or seems to you like it will damage so she can research it further. She may also worry that it will change how you feel about her for the negative. We are societally conditioned to be nice. Our "evil" sides are not for public display. We expect people to like us less if they know the "true" us. In a D/s relationship, that "evil" is the thing that a sub often values most. It can be really hard to understand that dynamic until you've experienced it. Common sense tells us if you abuse someone, they're going to dislike you and maybe even leave. The thought of someone turning over after "brutal" sodomy or an intense whipping and saying thank you with love in their voice is counter intuitive. It is proved time and time again though.

It may be easier for her to start playing with someone she doesn't care as much about. I suspect that as her confidence grows, she would want to turn that special attention towards you. A word of caution for you.. I've yet to see a D/s relationship that lasted any length of time that didn't cause strong feelings in both parties. In my eyes, this is a positive thing. A good sub is worth cherishing. Why this matters to you is.. how will you feel about the woman you are to marry loving someone else? It won't necessarily be romantic love, but she will still end up with you not being her only focus. Can you deal with that?

My last thought is.. is it really her wish to be Domme? I see a lot of men who push their wives into Domming them. Sometimes the wife picks up the ball and runs with it, as is the case with a couple I know. They started out with it being Dominance for him.. now she is doing it for HER, and it is scary for him *wicked eeeeevil grin* Other times though, when I talk with the Domme half of a married couple where the sub introduced the BDSM idea to the marriage, she does it to please him. If left to her own devices, she'd not engage in BDSM play. Food for thought... support her in her own desires. Do not push yours down her throat, even unintentionally.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to arkyte)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/18/2005 10:10:44 PM

malepleases4ever

Posts: 47
Status: offline

quote:

Sometimes, when the Dom/me loves the sub, they can't imagine doing horrid things to them. This can ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.

WTF?

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/18/2005 10:11:30 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

This thread might interest you:

can love get in the way

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to arkyte)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/18/2005 11:50:19 PM

LadyBadger

Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline

I can say from my own experience is that it's damned scary to be a "baby" Domme and still getting used to the notion that one is in charge... I can remember the butterflies & anxieties I had before my first real-time scene with my beloved sub... I still get nervous at times to this day when starting something with someone new to me... ::smile::

nuts & bolts, it came down to me creating a ritual for myself that I could focus/concentrate on which would lead me into the scene... sometimes it's as simple as unpacking my toybag & laying out all my toys -- I can focus on what I want where & what can I do with them... it can be telling my play partner to undress and watching him, looking at the planes & curves of his body and thinking what it would feel like to ... ::weg::

something to basically distract me from my anxieties/fears...

and yes, I have worried about "what might happen" with my partner -- ultimately it took conversation after conversation till I was satisfied that he IS telling his truth & I could trust it...

so perhaps she needs to hear from you over & over till she "gets it"... communication is never wasted...

otherwise, it sounds like what's happening is perfectly normal in a developing D/s relationship... not to worry, time *does* help! so does LOTS of communication tween the two of you... ::smile::

good luck!!

(in reply to arkyte)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/19/2005 10:32:56 AM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

Sometimes, when the Dom/me loves the sub, they can't imagine doing horrid things to them. This can ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.

WTF?

Some dominants have difficulty with the idea of disciplining their sub, or engaging in humiliation training (something the males seem particularly fond of) as well as other 'horrid' activities when there is a deep emotional bond, because it goes against the grain of what we have all been taught socially. It's much easier to smack a stranger (or relative stranger) on the arse than it is your life mate (for some).

The sub/slave however, NEEDS to feel that loss of control in whatever form it takes - so yes. It can ruin a relationship.

(in reply to malepleases4ever)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/19/2005 12:33:33 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Thank you for cluing him in. I'd decided that until he came up with a better question than WTF, I was not going to respond to him.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to NATI)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/19/2005 1:26:08 PM

Moleculor

Posts: 189
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

Sounds like the BDSM form of the Madonna/Whore complex.

(Yay for computer chair psychology!)

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/20/2005 2:21:27 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It sounds as though she is insecure with good reason. Unsure of how to properly do things without hurting the other person.
That is a good thing.
She obviously cares for you. So why should you be the guinea pig? You could get hurt?

I'd suggest go to a party. Let her experiment. Perhaps get some instruction from older and wiser people. Also, if she is up to it. Volunteer yourself to someone. Let her watch and see how it inspires you.

Things should progress from there. Hopefully in a good way.

(in reply to arkyte)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/20/2005 9:17:03 PM

RavenLynx

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/29/2004
Status: offline

Talk about an emotional attachment. I've known my slave since I was 10 years old. That's ALOT of history. I found when I first started to engage with him as a Dominant a blindfold really helped to depersonalize the whole thing. Knowing he couldn't see me if I looked or felt unsure or cringed or bit my lip after a particularly nasty cane strike really helped initially. Lady Badger is right, time is the best thing to help overcome the situation, time and practice.

RavenLynx

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/21/2005 8:29:58 PM

Whipenrod

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline

Do you like to watch movies and especially old Disney animations? Draw on those and try doing some roleplay. If you are 'somebody else' it might be easier to assume the mantle of the Domme.'

If you consider yourself submissive--what role would you be/like to be? If she is your Domme counterpart--what part would she be/like to be?

Pirate Queen and her Seaman Captive, Amazon Queen and Conquered Slave, Interrogator and Spy, --and lots more.

Good Luck!
Lady Whipenrod

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"I can resist everything except temptation."
--Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan

(in reply to RavenLynx)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/21/2005 9:06:14 PM

CTclay

Posts: 123
Joined: 11/6/2004
Status: offline

I have absolutely no experience in the situation you describe, and I'm a submissive male on top of that, but perhaps some domina with experience can say whether these ideas would work (essentially, they're all about starting mild and small -- actually, I suspect you're already doing this since you mention "experimenting" but here goes):

1. Does she say dominant things to you during regular sex? Humiliating things? Would that be hard for her?

2. What about just tieing you up, then having sex. She'd be in control, but she doesn't need to cause pain (until she might want to try that).

3. Could she pinch you or bite you a bit during sex play?

4. I've always thought of oral sex as a somewhat submissive way of giving a woman an orgasm.

5. Do you do things for her as a submissive? I'm not a dominant, but it can't be that hard to like that.

6. Some of the D/s things that support the power exchange are not her being forceful, but you being humble and being of service. You can combine that with a smile and a snuggle and then suggest having sex.

7. Do that thing (whatever it is) that she just hates your doing. I mean she really hates it. You know what it is (whatever it is). She's complained about it and you've repeated it. When she calls you on it, say you're sorry but don't indicate you think it's important that you annoyed her with it. In fact, indicate the opposite by your behavior -- that it isn't really important that she was irritated by it. This will anger her much more than the original offense. She'll want you to stop doing that and be angry enough to want to tell you off. Or teach you a lesson. At that point, recognize the problem and be very profuse about apologizing. Kneel. Suggest a lightly painful punishment. You'll bring out her particular manifestation of The Inner Domina That Exists In Every Woman.

I go through stages when it comes to BDSM activities: (a) "Ugh! How could they DO that?" (b) "Hmmmmmm. I can't take my eyes off of them doing that. Kinda like passing a car accident on the road." (c) "I wonder what that would be like." (d) "Hmmmmm. Sounds kinda interesting...." (e) "Ma'am, could we please try that? Please? Pretty please?" (f) "Thank-you, Ma'am, may I have another?" (g) "Yawn... oh, look at what they're doing over there. That's, that's, that's -- disGUSTing! Ugh! How could they DO that...?"

For me, it takes a few months, maybe several. It might take a while for her.

As for her dominating someone else. I'd suggest going to a club or party where that person will be in and out of your lives without it seeming like a relationship. I think it's easy for jealousy to develop or uncomfortableness in a situation like that, and I think it's hard to predict, but your mileage may differ.

(in reply to arkyte)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: More comfortable with a woman? - 1/22/2005 8:06:19 AM

MsHoney2you

Posts: 42
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: arkyte

Here’s a little about us.
My fiancé and I have been experimenting lately with being sub and domme we both enjoy it and lately we’ve been looking around the internet and viewing videos to get ideas of things we can try. She as also recently purchased a couple books on being a domme and mistress, which she quickly read and enjoyed. The last few times we’ve tried to have a “scene” she gets really nervous and usually calls it off before anything really gets started. Now last night we were watching a bondage video and she says to me.

I suggest a blindfold, a really good one (try Brookstone sleep mask) and a defined period of time to "Role Play". or, you can always loose at a card game and the bet is "Slave for a day".

If you make it fun, non threatening to her so she does not feel the weight of responsibility she reads on the internet, then she may be more likely to enjoy and explore playing with you. Please do not misunderstand me, the responsibility is there, but your focus is at the moment to get started, so going slow via a playful attitude may be just the ticket to get you where you both want to go.

I have heard many times, once you fall in love with your sub you are lost. But it can happen and it does happen, perseverance WILL win in the long run! Don't forget to laugh!
Ms Honey

(in reply to arkyte)

Profile

Post #: 13