Laying your cards on the table...

Laying your cards on the table... (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

DiannaVesta -> Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 6:17:05 AM)
We all seek that perfect connection that drowns us in sexual and or intimate fulfillment. In fact it’s why we are here seeking out persons of like mind in hopes of gaining support or meeting that perfect Mistress, Master or slave. I’ve noticed that so many of you have reached points of utter frustration (post on my sites, here and private email) in finding relationships. It seems that they all begin with a raging fire only to smolder into smoke and ashes. Fantasy is great but when meeting people you should be totally upfront and engage in intelligent dialogue. Stop it with the “This slave wants to be owned by YOU.” Or “you are a worthless worm pig in my world.” These are the roles you both agree on and not a proper introduction. When I am approached by someone I am far more impressed with the gentleman that tells me right up front what he’s looking for and what I can expect from him. In turn I do the same. Once we know where each other is coming from you can then negotiate our expectations and boundaries. This is also a perfect time to get real with each other. If you’re a professional dominatrix or you expect any tributes of money or gifts just lay it on the table. If you are a slave and you have no money or don’t feel you should have to contribute then just say so right up front. “Dear John, Yes, I am interested in knowing more about you. I require phone training before I will agree to meet you. I charge a fee for this phone time and there is no guarantee that I will find us compatible. We will spend time on the phone getting to know one another. If all goes well I will agree to meet you and explore our relationship further.” Or “Dear John, I am interested in getting to know you better. Please answer my questions below. I will agree to meet you at such & such place at such and such time for a cup of coffee. If we decide to continue you will be expected to arrive at my home every Saturday morning at 8 AM and will be expected to cook, clean and begin slave training. I don’t expect tribute but I do expect service. You will only be rewarded if this meets my strict standards.” Or “Dear John, Please answer my questions below. I am into bondage, spanking, etc. Lets get together, talk and arrange a scene. You will be given a safe word and if we have chemistry we will continue to see one another.” Slaves should also get to the point. I know that many of you have a problem with the tribute thing. After all it has fueled long heated topics here but do keep in mind that this is an expectation of many women, especially women who are highly experienced and in large demand. Trust me you will walk away knowing far more then you started just from interacting with these women. If both of you have nothing to offer then say so. There is nothing wrong with a novice Mistress saying, ‘Hey I’m new to this and looking to explore.” If a slave is inexperienced and looking for a novice mistress then the two of you can work it out by being upfront and real. Unfortunately too often someone gets manipulated. In most cases its wise to seek out someone who has more experience then you do. If not, negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Sure this is part of my lifestyle and what I enjoy but it’s not my entire life. I want someone who can move into that space with me so that its something we BOTH enjoy. I also want my slave to be my friend and to develop trust with the person he/she is not the role they assume. Trust me there are very few slaves running around naked and chained 24/7. Good communication is by far your greatest asset and essential in any relationship.

littlesarbonn -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 8:08:15 AM)
I agree. Communication IS most important. But most often, it's the least common denominator between both sides. A large contributor to that is the medium in which we are all communicating. We aren't face to face so misunderstandings, false expectations and incorrect expectations run rampant on these types of boards. Then there are people who only know the bdsm dynamic from fantasy and can't understand why people aren't interested in responding strictly within fantasy boundaries. You can tell someone a million times that fantasy and reality are two different things, but people selectively listen and aren't interested in hearing the parts that indicate that their fantasies can never become strict reality. And people get pissed at each other over the most mundane things that in person to person conversations would probably never have happened. People interject emotions into emotionless styles of communication, filling in gaps that exist because the communication medium was never designed to fill in those gaps. I recently had a decent conversation with a friendly woman in my area in a completely vanilla sense, and I thought both of us were on the same page until she decided for us to communicate over webcam. When she pulled off her shirt within the first few minutes of our "visual" conversation, it was pretty obvious that her expectations of what was comfortable in an initial conversation between us were A LOT different than what mine were. But I could have sworn that all of my previous conversations with her indicated just how I approached potential relationships. We both had majorly different expectations of what the other side was expecting right up front in a getting to know you session of a relationship. Other guys would have been overjoyed and thought it completely appropriate. It just goes to show that no two people really think alike, and that without direct communication, things can really get bogged down in the moment.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 8:08:22 AM)
Being clear about what you realistically want, as well as what you realisitcally have to give, is essential in a relationship. However, we have to remember that figuring all this out takes time, trail and error. Even though I have this extensive manual, I know it's a fluid document. In fact, I'm working on redoing a section and addind a section today. I agree that while the fantasy is HOT, we need to be looking at the reality of living what we want. I'd really like it if my slaves were nekid all the time...but I also like for them to be able to run to the car or mailbox quickly, answer the door, do yardwork and fry bacon and bake cakes, all without subjecting the neighbors to their nudity or having them burning themselves. So, the nudity is saved for special time and I still get mail and bacon. Master Fire

Beatmehrdr -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 8:27:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta Fantasy is great but when meeting people you should be totally upfront and engage in intelligent dialogue. Stop it with the “This slave wants to be owned by YOU.” Or “you are a worthless worm pig in my world.” These are the roles you both agree on and not a proper introduction. When I am approached by someone I am far more impressed with the gentleman that tells me right up front what he’s looking for and what I can expect from him. In turn I do the same. Once we know where each other is coming from you can then negotiate our expectations and boundaries. YES!! There are so many Domme profiles which make it damn near impossible to find out what makes that person tick in any sort of vanilla capacity. I want to be able to connect with and like a Domme before I worship the ground she walks on. That means I need to know her likes and dislikes, and most importantly, I need to know we can talk and enjoy each other's company. Personally, once the collar goes on, a lot of that sort of communication gets displaced by subspace, which leads to big problems later. BTW, I wish CM had a proDomme flag on the site. I don't have anything against proDommes per se, but when I am looking for someone who isn't a proDomme, I'd like to be able to exclude them from the search.

DiannaVesta -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 8:52:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Beatmehrdr quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta Fantasy is great but when meeting people you should be totally upfront and engage in intelligent dialogue. Stop it with the “This slave wants to be owned by YOU.” Or “you are a worthless worm pig in my world.” These are the roles you both agree on and not a proper introduction. When I am approached by someone I am far more impressed with the gentleman that tells me right up front what he’s looking for and what I can expect from him. In turn I do the same. Once we know where each other is coming from you can then negotiate our expectations and boundaries. YES!! There are so many Domme profiles which make it damn near impossible to find out what makes that person tick in any sort of vanilla capacity. I want to be able to connect with and like a Domme before I worship the ground she walks on. That means I need to know her likes and dislikes, and most importantly, I need to know we can talk and enjoy each other's company. Personally, once the collar goes on, a lot of that sort of communication gets displaced by subspace, which leads to big problems later. BTW, I wish CM had a proDomme flag on the site. I don't have anything against proDommes per se, but when I am looking for someone who isn't a proDomme, I'd like to be able to exclude them from the search. I think that’s an excellent idea but it’s also hard to define. Some women are not pro’s but expect tribute or some type. I think that if a woman expects paid phone training first, fee or tribute she should say so in her profile. LS- I agree with you. Some people approach me in a way I find offensive but then I need to back up and realize my world is different. It’s not always their fault. This is why its clear to get it all out right upfront and find out what they mean when they say, “I’m into humiliation.” Well ok but my definition may be WAY different then yours. I want to know exactly what its LOOKS like to you. Know what I mean? You see the problem I have is that I’m contacted a lot by fantasy seekers, one handed bandits that go punching in my number late at night. Or guys that email me for a while and then stop. I’ve invested so much time and energy into their games. Maybe I’m more hardcore today and I set up these hoops, but I’ve learned this the hard way. I wish it were simpler but its not. I have some guys that have been calling me for 10 plus years and still pay for my time. The calls might be very simple, “Hello Goddess, how are you?” We chit chat for a long time and I might hear from them a few times a year. There are no animosities because we are upfront and each getting what need according to our arrangement. Look guys it’s not a bad thing to send little gifts to a mistress. Even a 20.00 gift certificate to Amazon. Its no big deal and it sure won’t break you. In my opinion its shows good faith & that you’re sincere. If she abuses your generosity then its good you know this up front.

Frank01 -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 8:57:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Beatmehrdr quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta Fantasy is great but when meeting people you should be totally upfront and engage in intelligent dialogue. Stop it with the “This slave wants to be owned by YOU.” Or “you are a worthless worm pig in my world.” These are the roles you both agree on and not a proper introduction. When I am approached by someone I am far more impressed with the gentleman that tells me right up front what he’s looking for and what I can expect from him. In turn I do the same. Once we know where each other is coming from you can then negotiate our expectations and boundaries. YES!! There are so many Domme profiles which make it damn near impossible to find out what makes that person tick in any sort of vanilla capacity. I want to be able to connect with and like a Domme before I worship the ground she walks on. That means I need to know her likes and dislikes, and most importantly, I need to know we can talk and enjoy each other's company. Personally, once the collar goes on, a lot of that sort of communication gets displaced by subspace, which leads to big problems later. BTW, I wish CM had a proDomme flag on the site. I don't have anything against proDommes per se, but when I am looking for someone who isn't a proDomme, I'd like to be able to exclude them from the search. They do. Look in your area, and then put in the key word "tribute". Then glance through the profiles, and add them to your ignore list if they come up as a pro.

LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 9:38:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta Sure this is part of my lifestyle and what I enjoy but it’s not my entire life. I want someone who can move into that space with me so that its something we BOTH enjoy. I also want my slave to be my friend and to develop trust with the person he/she is not the role they assume. Trust me there are very few slaves running around naked and chained 24/7. Good communication is by far your greatest asset and essential in any relationship. My first discussions with my sub, who is also my best friend, involved music we had in common and other vanilla things. We had shared some information about our BDSM interests, but we were far more vanilla oriented at first because we both needed a strong foundation for a relationship that wasn't just BDSM-related. The examples you gave for initial meetings just wouldn't have worked for me and I think to present the idea that everything must be so direct and formal may be detrimental to some people. I see far too many postings involving "How do I talk to a dominant?" and it all seems a bit overdone at times, in my opinion. My advice would be to be open with communication and trust what you want and need from a relationship. I agree that being upfront about what you seek is important, but I also think making things too direct can hinder the relationship building process. Be well, Julie

DiannaVesta -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 9:49:02 AM)
Yes its important to establish trust and there is no better way then to become intimate. I found these questions in a relationship article on Yahoo. "How to get intimate with your date." I have often asked these questions and the answers gave me great insight to whom I was dealing with. So please feel free to answer them here. They are very thought provoking. 1 If someone gave you $10 million with no strings attached, what would you do with it? 2 If you could sit down to lunch with any 3 people (living or dead), who would they be? 3 Let's play a word game: I'll throw out a phrase, and you finish it with whatever comes to your mind. The phrase I want you to finish is, "My dream in life is to..." 4 Let's continue the game: The phrase I want you to finish is, "My mission in life is to..." 5 What values do you hold most deeply? 6 What are the most important things in life? 7 What does happiness mean to you? 8 What would it take to make you happy? If you only had 6 months to live, what would you do? Where did the human race come from? What is the meaning of life?

undergroundsea -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 9:51:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Beatmehrdr BTW, I wish CM had a proDomme flag on the site. I don't have anything against proDommes per se, but when I am looking for someone who isn't a proDomme, I'd like to be able to exclude them from the search. That's a good suggestion. I would like to see the distance issue also addressed. I would find useful an ability to do a search that returns only results within a specified distance, or lists results in order of increasing distance. I see many profiles that list a state only, or even the country. I imagine privacy or the want to control the number of emails (I am not sure if that helps or backfires) might be two reasons. I am interested to understand that perspective if anyone who does not list their city cares to comment. Would the ability enter your location but have it not displayed on the profile (to allow the type of search I describe above) still suit your purposes? Cheers, Sea

cloudboy -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 9:58:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta I know that many of you have a problem with the tribute thing. After all it has fueled long heated topics here but do keep in mind that this is an expectation of many women, especially women who are highly experienced and in large demand. Trust me you will walk away knowing far more then you started just from interacting with these women. I think paying a woman to be in a relationship with you could be just as damaging or just as self developing as relying on porn magazines and videos. Suppose a guy spends $200.00 an hour for 20 hours of training. He's out $4,000.00 and I'm really not sure how closer he is to entering into a real D/S relationship. To me, this sounds like a false carrot Pro Dommes would drop on unsuspecting subs. $4,000.00 could be better spent elswhere: Wardrobe, Gym Membership, travel money, etc. (For guys on some kind of budget.) I agree with Akasha on getting relationships started, a guy needs to develop his connection to women in general first, and maybe at some point he'll be able to translate that into a D/S relationship. A guy needs to approach a Domme as a woman first and as a Domme second. In the end, making a woman feel valued and loved is the key. "Serving her" in formulaic or traditional D/S sense is really secondary. Next, I'd like to point out that your advice does not address subs who've been a in a D/S relationships. Such subs need Pro Doms to develop relationship skills the way a fish needs a bicycle. Lastly, saying communication skills are important to developing a relationship is a kind of truism, no? I agree with you, tho, that dumping the whole D/S act as a leading introduction is a good first step in making a real connection to another person. Better to lead with books, experiences, movies, or hobbies --- to try and find some common ground. Hopefully the D/S could spin off from there.

undergroundsea -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 10:53:05 AM)
I agree with the value of clear communication. I am still getting a sense for the timing for this communication. I feel one should ease into these details after establishing some interest and a conversation through introductory emails. I am interested to hear other perspectives about when this conversation should occur. Cheers, Sea

undergroundsea -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 10:54:49 AM)
Perhaps the sub takes a lesser role within the BDSM dynamic. But I don't see myself to be a lesser person because I enjoy submission. As practical and useful the suggestions given in this thread may be given the inequal numbers of dommes and subs, the idea to be required to give tribute or provide service in order to have a domme's attention, or that I need to compensate a domme for her time for the dialogue does not resonate with me. The relationship or interactions I seek are based on mutual interest. While I enjoy play (which allows varying degrees of similarity or lack of to traditional romantic relationships), my bigger goal is a romantic D/s relationship and serves as the context for this post. My interest in a domme is based on what makes her socially attractive to me. I hope to offer similar social attraction in return for her interest. A tribute or required service suggests to me that the social attraction is not there and it must be supplemented or replaced by some form of compensation. While giving a tribute may give a sub an edge when considered amongst other subs whom the domme sees to be of similar interest level, it seems odd to me as it would if a vanilla man were to give an amazon gift certificate to a woman he was courting via a personal. For later in the courtship, I view giving gifts similarly to what is done in general dating and courtship scenarios. Incidentally, I prefer the term gift since it implies a choice to present something as a social gesture versus a requirement. If gifts are given as they are in a social relationship, I think a relationship is most healthy when gifts and the gesture they convey are exchanged in both directions. I enjoy service as a form of D/s and it is one of the earliest signs of my interest in D/s. If a domme enjoys service as a D/s expression, that is wonderful. Positioning service as a barter lessens its value for me. For me, a barter causes service to transform from an expression of dominance and submission to a transaction, which lessens its D/s value and raises the question about social attraction as described above. Cheers, Sea

CRUELLASADISTIC -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 10:58:37 AM)
ASKING FOR TRIBUTE IS ASKING FOR PAYMENTHERE ARE TIMES WHEN A PRO IS NEEDED I AGREE,BUT FOR A RELATIONSHIP GIFTS COME FROM THE HEART NOT POCKET

LaTigresse -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 11:38:56 AM)
I have said it before and will say it again. One of the sweetest and most treasured gifts a prospective submissive has given me is a rough pink rock that is native to her home (Vancover Island). It showed the most important thing of all. That she had paid attention to get to know ME. While I had to send her back home and nothing further came of it in a relationship sense, we are still good friends and probably always will be. We took the time to get to know one another as individuals, women, and human beings.

DiannaVesta -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 11:40:03 AM)
Well then I guess I'm a pro who takes select clients and has a relationship from time to time. lol

LaTigresse -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 11:52:44 AM)
Ohhh, if someone wants to pay the bill for my winter supply of hay I will be happy to scan and PDF them the bill![:D] If they don't like that one there is the bill for filling the LP tank, orrrrrrr the nice fat one for the new corn burner so I do not have to fill the LP tank again!! If I get someone to pay one does that move me into "pro" status too?!?! Huh, huh, huh...pulllleeeeeeeeeeezzz!!! (jumping up and down) [:D]

DiannaVesta -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 11:53:35 AM)
§ If someone gave you $10 million with no strings attached, what would you do with it? DV: I would buy homes for my family members and make sure they had what they needed. I would purchase a 200 acre ranch with housing and staff to care for as many foster children as possible. I would buy several apt buildings for positive cash flow to support my projects. Donate some money to Global Warming and Organics. Pay off my farm and buy me a bungalow in Costa Rica with a mango and avocado orchards overlooking the ocean. § If you could sit down to lunch with any 3 people (living or dead), who would they be? DV: Dali lama, Mary Magdalene, Hillary Clinton § Let's play a word game: I'll throw out a phrase, and you finish it with whatever comes to your mind. The phrase I want you to finish is, "My dream in life is to..." DV: live completely independent and self sufficient. Let's continue the game: The phrase I want you to finish is, "My mission in life is to..." DV: Make a difference in the world. Leave a legacy. What values do you hold most deeply? DV: honesty, loyalty, compassion What are the most important things in life? DV: my son, my family, my spirituality/faith – the ability to love and being available to love. What does happiness mean to you? DV: To wake up without fear and walk each day with purpose. Fulfilling dreams and heart desires. What would it take to make you happy? DV: I am happy now. It was a long journey and it took time for me to truly know and love myself. If you only had 6 months to live, what would you do? DV: I would take my son, mom, sisters, nieces and nephews, people that I love and we would go to the mountains, ride horses, swim in the lake, build a fire, sing and experience one another. I would make sure that my farm could live on and sustain. Where did the human race come from? DV: When God/Goddess/ all that is projected and began to realize itself. We became reflections of this One. What is the meaning of life? DV: To learn to love without conditions

DiannaVesta -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 11:55:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Ohhh, if someone wants to pay the bill for my winter supply of hay I will be happy to scan and PDF them the bill![:D] If they don't like that one there is the bill for filling the LP tank, orrrrrrr the nice fat one for the new corn burner so I do not have to fill the LP tank again!! If I get someone to pay one does that move me into "pro" status too?!?! Huh, huh, huh...pulllleeeeeeeeeeezzz!!! (jumping up and down) [:D] lol- yeah well I guess there are exceptions to every rule, huh? You'll have to email me about that corn burner and let me know how you like it.

LaTigresse -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 12:09:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta You'll have to email me about that corn burner and let me know how you like it. Oui, I will, IF they ever get the damned thing installed. All I know is that LP is 3x higher than it was 5 years ago which is rediculous. Gas price increases are nothing compared to that. I have no idea how the farmers are going to be able to afford to harvest and dry their corn and beans this year. I will not be surprised to see another deluge of farm bankruptcies in the next few years. And now I am off topic....my appologies. I shall have to purchase a bankrupt farm and turn it into a "Hawk Ranch" with a bunch of kick ass dominas!!! (sorry, the best I can do with a sleep deprived brain)

DiannaVesta -> RE: Laying your cards on the table... (10/2/2006 12:22:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta You'll have to email me about that corn burner and let me know how you like it. Oui, I will, IF they ever get the damned thing installed. All I know is that LP is 3x higher than it was 5 years ago which is rediculous. Gas price increases are nothing compared to that. I have no idea how the farmers are going to be able to afford to harvest and dry their corn and beans this year. I will not be surprised to see another deluge of farm bankruptcies in the next few years. And now I am off topic....my appologies. I shall have to purchase a bankrupt farm and turn it into a "Hawk Ranch" with a bunch of kick ass dominas!!! (sorry, the best I can do with a sleep deprived brain) Yeah I just put up a 30 X 70 greenhouse I bought a year ago and it heats using propane. When I ordered it propane wasn't as high as it is now. Next year I will invest in the wood/corn burner and see if I can get one to heat the house and greenhouse. It sits aprox 250 feet behind the house. I would hate to have to buy two. On a good note small family farms are increasing across the US. People are buying local and spending a little more to support local markets. If we all too a little time to do this and spend a little extra things just might turn around. But with gas prices going down maybe so will other energy sources. How much are you paying for propane per gallon now?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125