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Voltare -> Intimacy (4/24/2004 2:26:10 PM)
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Earlier, I made a short comment on the posting where the couple was frustrated that 3 years, and $6,000 later, they were fed up with the frustrations involved with finding a slave. Since then, I have given thought to my own time and effort invested, as well as the lessons I have learned. These are only my thoughts, and they are appropriate for my situation - I welcome others thoughts, contributions, or criticisms, as we all have different needs in our lives. Three years ago, after my last 'vanilla' relationship ended, I figured it was time to turn my focus more towards a Dominant/submissive style relationship. The irony it seems, is that I have almost come full circle, for reasons that will come clear shortly. As a quick means of illustrating my perspective, I am a twenty seven years old, single, straight male dominant and have enjoyed BDSM now for six years.
When asked, I have never been able to adequately answer the question of why I feel a need for a D/s relationship to others. I usually respond along the lines of desiring a relationship that is structured, where the roles are clearly defined, in spite of the fact that one hardly requires the title of Master or slave to understand their roles in a relationship so long as there is communication. Structure, I believe, comes from mutual expectations and agreement of expectations. If I prefer to do all of the cooking, cleaning, tending of children, like to be spanked, enjoy kneeling for my lover, and enjoy being led on a leash, and yet I like the term 'Master' and my lover/partner/girlfriend/etc is agreeable, then there is hardly any convention that says I cannot be 'Master.' So then, if structure in a relationship stems from an agreement between two people on what is necessary, then D/s would not be necessary.
I usually also say that D/s is appealing because of the degree of intimacy is greater. In order to own a woman, I must know her better then she knows herself, and that such intimacy is not only unusual in ordinary relationships, but indeed seems to be discouraged by our society. Men and women have fought the gender wars since time infinate, and it seems the only winners of these wars, are the couples who, in spite of this battleground, seem to manage to come together to achieve a sense of unity that defies this war. Such romantic visions rarely seem to involve a collar and leash, and in my own experiences there is as great a chance in lacking intimacy in the D/s realm, as there are in the 'vanilla' world.
When pressed, my last resort in justifying my D/s interests seems to be the strongest - that such a relationship simply 'feels right.' I cannot define the who, what, why, or reason to this feeling, but can only acknowlege it exists. Perhaps in part, it is because in my own nature, I enjoy the ability to control and manipulate the world around me. Everything that I create is the result of manipulation and control of the world around me - my writing, for example, is simply manipulation of words. In the music I play, it is notes, rhythms, chords that I am manipulating. This isnt to say I desire a battery operated woman with gears and buttons to push, but rather I enjoy the sense of security that comes with knowing however I wish to touch her, speak to her, hold her, or whatever escapades we engage in, she is a willing and eager companion. In freeing her responsibility to moral expectations, conciously, I am free from the guilt associated with taking a woman from the prim and proper 'real' world, and taking her on a journey with me of the self-discovery that reveals infinate beauty and utter decadence, where fire and ice mingle without losing their forms, where the only reason and right is what she and I share. For me, evocation of such powerful emotions reveals the very essence of what life is made of. In the scope of such a journy, handcuffs, rope, and floggers are no more important to the D/s relationship then a television, pair of bicycles, or a stereo are important to a vanilla relationships.
The real beauty in D/s, or any other relationship is not the extremes of physical, mental, or emotional testing, nor does it come from the breaking of taboos. D/s is beautiful, not because it is D/s, but because it is a relationship - and relationships have the capacity for infinate beauty. Finding the perfect person isnt a matter of their collar size, but in experiencing life. It doesnt take a pair of handcuffs to do this - it simply takes another person. A journey that may start off with a mutual interest in shibari rope bondage will not end there, but ends in the middle of the night, in the space between waking and dreaming, when communication, patience, and hard work have achieved intimacy. As someone who was looking for that intimacy in a computer for those same three years, I can assure most reading this, that the best place to find others is not in a box, but in your real lives.
Stephan
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