and then chaos..... (Full Version)

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amorfati -> and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 8:20:50 AM)

Before I get into it I’m going to preface this by saying that- Yes I know, I’m part of the problem. The D/s aspect in our relationship is fairly new. I started as a masochist. I’m not a sub, and I’m even less of a Domme. So taking a masochistic role- I really got what I was wanting. He on the other hand was drawn more towards the D/s side. I figured that this was a give and take kinda thing, so I tried to adjust to be more subbish. This went on for a few months. For me, hell. And its not so much that what I was doing was difficult or hard for me in any way- it just didn’t fit. So we talk about it, and swap back to how it was before. Then its hell for him. Its like he’d gotten a taste of something he really wanted just to have it taken away. Then to make things worse, I suck it up and play the sub thing again. I’m trying really I am, but it has just gone so wrong. So what now? In either scenario, it sucks for someone. And all this back and forth back and forth crap has just confused both of us and in either situation someone comes out the loser.     



Yang4yin -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 8:30:25 AM)

Time to step out of the relationship?

Sometimes there are not enough positives to make a good relationship.



midnyt -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 8:51:25 AM)

OH...WHERE ARE YOU LA? 



gooddogbenji -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 8:56:16 AM)

From what you have said, it sounds like you have a good understanding of the needs of the other person.  Apparently, communication is there.

However, much like a dog fucking a gerbil, the compatability thing isn't where it should be.  Regardless of how well other things work out, if you both expect completely different things from the relationship, it aint going nowhere.

So either find a middle ground or part ways.

Yours,


benji



mistoferin -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 8:58:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji
However, much like a dog fucking a gerbil, the compatability thing isn't where it should be.


I can only hope that you are not speaking from experience......



gooddogbenji -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:03:36 AM)

I am into petite girls, aren't I?

Yours,


benji



mstrjx -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:11:08 AM)

I hesitate giving this sort of advice, but I'll throw it out anyway.

One person requires a sadist (or a top), which the other person is not.

The other needs a submissive, which the other person is not.

Could your relationship exist as a vanilla one, with 'side dishes'.  That would require a LOT of communication and negotiation.  Plus, I didn't get the sense of whether your relationship started as, or was designed for, a kink relationship.  If it was, then yes indeed you are in trouble.  If it was borne out of a vanilla relationship to begin with, then the above 'might' be an idea.

Just a very tenuous idea.

Jeff



MasterFireMaam -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:15:39 AM)

Tries her best LA impression:

Sometimes, people just grow and change too much to stay in a relationship. He has discovered needs and desires that you have discovered you can't fulfill...and vice versa. Trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole won't work for either of you. It's not fair to expect him to change for you any more than it's fair of him to expect you to change for him. Changing for somoene else isn't healthy in the long run. Love him and cherish him, but realize that, as he is, he's not going to make it work for you.

So, you have options:
Remain in the relationship, trying to switch back and forth, and make each other miserable until you end it in hatred and disgust.
Remain in the relationship, taking it back to something more vanilla, and open it up to other people so that you can each get your needs met.
End the relationship now, on good terms (hopefully) and look for better matches.

Master Fire



gooddogbenji -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:19:13 AM)

Nicely said, LA.....

Yours,


benji



amorfati -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:37:22 AM)

Well its a 4 year marriage- dont really want to end something that is otherwise going so well. It started out somewhat vanillaish- i guess we could try that again if all else fails. But I think we have both gotten a taste of something we really love and want, so that would end up being as bad a situation as the back and forth crap we are doing now.



gooddogbenji -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:45:00 AM)

So cut your losses....  Would you rather end a 4 year, positive balance marriage, or a 10 year, complete fucking hell and beyond marriage?

I don't understand people who spend years in unsatisfying relationships because of convenience.......

Yours,


benji



juliaoceania -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 9:53:04 AM)

Expecting others to be what they are not rarely lends itself to long lasting relationships, and I do not know of any relationships like this that are happy ones.

Some self acceptance and mutual acceptance does not mean the relationship has to end... just the expectations within it...

Just my opinion, and I wish you luck



amorfati -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 10:17:24 AM)

that just seems so trivial though- no offense ment.



gooddogbenji -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 10:20:23 AM)

Yer the one making it a big deal, not us......

What I mean to say is that you're saying living like he wants is hell for you and vice versa.  Living vanilla is hell for the both of you...  So how is living in hell trivial?

Yours,


benji



amorfati -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 10:32:29 AM)

It is a big deal, not divorce big but well... I would consider it if other areas of our marriage werent going well, but they are. So I was kinda looking for some bdsm advice.



RiotGirl -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 10:33:40 AM)

i say make it a Poly household.  He goes Dom, you go Top and co partner.. you two go out and find yerselves a subbie female/male ect ect.

He gives you pain - you give him a girl you can both Dom (or a guy.. or both.. or um more... )

i say go poly!

oh and you both be who you are.  You be the masochist, he'll be the Dom/sadist.  Sometimes you need abit extra in a relationship.  Kind of like friends.. 

you dont just have one friend.. you have many because you get something different from each of them



gooddogbenji -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 10:43:23 AM)

You make it seem so fun!

Let's go the pool, then to the zoo, and then we can go poly!  YAY!!!!

Yours,


benji



LaTigresse -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 11:07:15 AM)

I am trying so hard to behave, self control isn't always what its cracked up to be.[:'(]



agirl -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 11:26:36 AM)

Hello amorfati,

You said the D/s aspect was quite new in your marriage. Is there a chance that you could both just take a little bit of a breather from it for a while? Both of you. It obviously wasn't the be all and end all for a long time and it's so new. Sometimes the answers to a problem come when you're not looking at it closely.

agirl



juliaoceania -> RE: and then chaos..... (10/5/2006 11:30:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

Yer the one making it a big deal, not us......

What I mean to say is that you're saying living like he wants is hell for you and vice versa.  Living vanilla is hell for the both of you...  So how is living in hell trivial?

Yours,


benji



LOL... well there is hell, and then there is hell. 

I do not think people should just dump their marriages over this type of thing, but it certainly would squick me to be a dom to someone since I am a submissive... I am just viewing it through my own experience



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