RE: Its in the Past.... (Full Version)

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Owned1 -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:08:03 AM)

The anger subsides over time,  you do need to let that go however that does not mean you let it go and go blindly along letting her back into your life.

This is one of those situations where you need to do for yourself something to make you not hold onto the anger as it is a negative emotion that can cause damage to you.

But as Amaros said~~~~~~Forgive but dont forget

If you are able to get past what was done to you that is forgiving, however to not forget means to not let it happen again.  In other words do what feels right to you inorder to not let it happen to you again

Owned



RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:15:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I have had this situation.. almost verbatim.  I wondered why my friend remained friends with the other one that dumped on me.. well, after a number of years. said dumper hit again..  on my/her friend this time.



So what did you do with the friend?  So you forgive the friend, yet they hang out with this undesirable - whats the course of action?  Are you upset with the friend?  Do you laugh when they get dumped on and say i told you so? How did you deal with your friend?

i have no clue what do with my friend.  i know how i feel and what i'd like to do.  Yet, i'm told that its unappropriate and its in the past so i should leave it there.  That my friend hanging out with the girl does not make them "guilty" all over again.  Fucking does to me.  You know, i could very easily go and treat MY friend like they're the piece of shit they were two years ago and i dont want to do that if its wrong.  That wouldnt be right, you know?  So before anything happens today, i need to really cement in my head how i'm going to deal with this.  Especially if i become face to face with my friend.  i have this skill of really making some one feel like crap.  As i am generally a very sweet, loving, warm, giving person.  Let me feel seriously slighted and no matter what i do the "fuck you" attitude comes out.  Its not that i'm rude and brash about it.  It just comes out in everything i do.  I can scream "fuck you" and smile as best i can at some one.  instead of getting some one a drink - i'm more like "its in the kitchen" and then totally ignore them. 

dur and i just dun want to go treat some one like crap if i'm wrong about how i feel.  So like i said, i really need to cement in my head the "right" thinking before (if anything) happens.  Even canceling the plans, as its some one i always make time for is another "fuck you"



adaddysgirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:16:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

So when you forgive some one - you are not "mad" at them anymore, yet you dont allow them in your life as politetly as you can? 

Generally for me, forgiveness is accepting actions that made ammends and sorta like outwardly appearing that it never exsisted yet not forgetting. 

Is what you are saying the appropriate way?  i've never actually forgiven anyone and booted them out. 

how do you get over the anger?  Is it as simple as not allowing it?  Do i just refuse to let it bother me? 



Sometimes people forgive with the hopes of reconciliation (like when a parnter has cheated and the other forgives with the hopes of making the relationship still work).  But that is not always the case.  Sometimes we have to forgive just for peace of mind....and it really does not affect the other person at all. 
 
Deciding to forgive is the first step to getting beyond the anger and hate.  Do you realize that by holding onto that you are allowing her to make your life miserable to some extent?  Then you empower her.  Is that what you really want to do?
 
So how does anyone get over anger?  Well, outside of spending a zillion dollars on a therapist, i believe you can find ways of working through it yourself.  i think refusing to let it bother you is a good start. 
 
Did you ever hear of that method they use that directs you to write a 'hate mail' and never send it?  i have found that helpful for myself in the past.  Kinda gets out a lot of that emotion...without really hurting anyone or having to worry about saying something you may regret later.   And you can really 'spill your guts' that way too....very cathartic.
 
i don't know if this has helped any but if you don't put it behind you at some point....'get over it'....'let it go'....however you want to say it....it will only consume you....and that will be your choice.
 
Daddysgirl



RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:17:38 AM)

So forgiving is getting over the anger yet not letting it happen again and getting over the anger involves whatever one needs to do, to do so?



LaTigresse -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:24:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

So when you forgive some one - you are not "mad" at them anymore, yet you dont allow them in your life as politetly as you can? 

Generally for me, forgiveness is accepting actions that made ammends and sorta like outwardly appearing that it never exsisted yet not forgetting. 

Is what you are saying the appropriate way?  i've never actually forgiven anyone and booted them out. 

how do you get over the anger?  Is it as simple as not allowing it?  Do i just refuse to let it bother me? 



I will try to explain how I look at it. First of all anger for me is short lived and rare. It's very hard for me to get really angry. Pissy, annoyed, grumpy, hurt feelings, disgusted.......yep all of those and some fairly frequently. The thing is that it is just second nature for me to figure out why a person is behaving the way they are. Then, why is it bugging me. Usually if I look at the situation in a more clinical way it just kinda vaporizes into nothingness. Lets just use my sister-in-law as an example again......

Talk about a woman with ISSUES. Insecure to the max yet such a swaggering Napoleon syndrome. I know thru the grapevine that she thinks I am a stuck up bitch that "forgot where she (meaning me) came from. Now, I know the truth about myself. I also know that if I were to try and explain stuff about me, her narrow minded point of view will not change one iota. She has a very small comfort zone and is terrified to leave it. She covers that by being a rather difficult person to like. I love her very much, I see the truth of her, she has some excellent qualities. To stay mad at her or hold a grudge would be fruitless. It's not going to help her nor me. She is who she is, she has her own life things she will have to deal with or not, that is her choice. I can buy more things, or forget about them if I really do not need them. Her actions, not speaking to me, saying stupid crap about me, tells me alot about how she feels about herself and herself in relation to me. It is her garbage to deal with not mine. The ONLY way I would still be mad is if I had handled it badly or done something wrong to her. That would then be MY guilt talking to me. You see, it's funny how it works that way. I cannot own any part of the problem because I didn't do anything wrong. In my opinion letting go of the negative crap I could feel towards her is not only the best thing for me but also for her. And its obvious she's got enough issues of her own.  Obviously the fact that I don't spend time with her like I did years ago, the fact that I very politely refused to allow them to take my trailer, but offered to bring it and assist, spoke volumes. Yet, there is no part of that situation I can feel bad about. In addition it gives her food for thought but less ammo to twist around into garbage.

Anger to me, is much like jealousy. A very negative emotion. I think that we can, in many instances if we REALLY want to, chose to allow anger/jealousy to take over or, we can chose to not allow it. I don't like the feeling I get from either. I would prefer to step back and watch myself and not give it any power over me. Its all very Eckhart Tolle, but it works for me.



RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:28:00 AM)

i tried the hate mail.. it just made me MORE angry.  LOL  When i was done, i wanted to find the two of them and just become violent.  So i sorta stopped that and just called a friend to help me switch focus. 

It generally does not bother me.  Only when i hear the name pop up (which is rare) and most times i just switch directions with my brain.  I selectively ignore it completely on a day to day basis.  It doesnt affect my life, affect my happiness, or really affect me.  Generally speaking i've been a really happy girl - which sorta also pisses me off that my friend knows how hard i have worked to get out anything unpleasant from my life.. and it into my life.  Disrupting my life with it.  Literally, my life has been disrupted.  i think it was a really selfish of them.  Selfish, inconsiderate, rude and just fucking moronic.  So here i am trying to work this out so i dont go and behave wrongly, making myself feel bad in the long run.  First and foremost - myself.  i want to be happy with my actions and if i act wrongly and treat others like shit undeservingly, then i'll feel bad.  Not cool.  But you know, i've other things to do then sit here and deal with some bullshit that shouldnt even be in my life. 

sometimes the appropriate way to behave isnt always the easiest to realise. 




MasterC46910 -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:34:23 AM)

If it was me, it is in the past, I would be over it.  That is where I would keep it.  I may not forgive them but I would be over it.

That being said, I would keep it in the past and they would not be coming back into my life in any way, shape or form.  They would not be staying at my house and I would not contribute anything to their well being.

You are right to refuse them shelter in my opinion.



RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:36:14 AM)

So you understand her and have empathy for her and her many issues - yet you do not let them affect you in a way you would not approve of your actions?  And you do not let her issues affect you in any negative manner?  That is how you "get over it?"

Empathy and intelligence on how to deal with the person? <grins>  Also sending little messages that cant be mistaken or twisted into something negative?

that sounds very reasonable and intelligent. 



juliaoceania -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 8:39:50 AM)

I forgive people who hurt me, but I do not always forget.

Yes it is in the past, you should wish her well, and be civil if you run into her.... that does not mean she has to be welcomed into your home to lie and manipulate more... there is a difference between forgiveness and trusting the person who wronged you...



LaTigresse -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 9:00:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

So you understand her and have empathy for her and her many issues - yet you do not let them affect you in a way you would not approve of your actions?  And you do not let her issues affect you in any negative manner?  That is how you "get over it?"

Exactly! Also its the same reason I have rather effectively nudged people out of my life. If someone is constantly giving out nothing but negative energy, sucking everyone around them dry, I cannot handle people like that. I have to push them away for my own wellbeing.

Empathy and intelligence on how to deal with the person? <grins>  Also sending little messages that cant be mistaken or twisted into something negative?

Again yes, I don't need anyone elses issues. Working on dealing with my own.

that sounds very reasonable and intelligent. 

I have my occasional moments, rare though they may be. [:D]




stockingluvr54 -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 10:17:22 AM)

I sure don't see it as a problem YOU have...????  Kinda like my ex....she shit on me...I held a grudge for years....tore me up actually. We finally "patched things up" awhile back and still manage to hold quite enjoyable conversations,etc. No more uneasiness,etc. BUT...I'll never respect her like I used to.... 
Guess I'm trying to say that your ex-friend showed her true colors. You lost respect for her and she'll never get that back...period. Once it's gone...it's gone. Best you can do is probably forgive her and that'll smooth out the ruff edges but the respect is gone forever.....her loss. jmho....



thisishis -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 11:06:24 AM)

Sounds to me like you dealt with it responsibly, & maturely. You'd made a choice, from what you state here, that you couldn't forgive nor forget .. so you cut off contact. When we can't accept another person's actions, we can either kick their ass, or move on and leave them behind. Problem with kicking their ass: We end up looking as bad as their actions may have represented them to be. We end up looking like an ass, just like them.

Seems to me you were handling your business well by walking away, and leaving it in the past. It seems your friend is the one who can't leave it in the past. i have a couple of people/family members who i have put in the past, with the intention of leaving them there and if anyone took it upon themselves to drag them into *my present*, never mind into my home ....  ... i'll just say that  it would be a very ugly scene.

i can understand the urge to want to smack them upside the head, RiotGirl. i think if i were you right now, i'd have to muster up a shitload of self control in that sense, myself.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 11:18:01 AM)

You have the right to feel an uncomfortable as you want to feel...and to offer as much, or as little, compassion as you feel the situation warrants. It's ok to not want your boundaries tested again. Go with your gut. If you're wrong, you still have the knowledge you did what you felt was right at the time.

Master Fire



LotusSong -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 12:03:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

So what did you do with the friend?  So you forgive the friend, yet they hang out with this undesirable - whats the course of action?  Are you upset with the friend?  Do you laugh when they get dumped on and say i told you so? How did you deal with your friend?


I had no issue with who my friend wanted to be friends with.  I'm not the "my enemy had better be your enemy" type.

i have no clue what do with my friend.

Nothing.  Let life unfold as it will.  We never know what motivates people.  But it is true, what goes around comes around.
 
You do not have to "Do something" about every situation.  Shit is shit and it happens.

dur and i just dun want to go treat some one like crap if i'm wrong about how i feel. 

Here is your answer.  You may be wrong.  Wait it all out.  You really are not sure what happened..  It could be more a confused state of mine making you react in a defensive way. 
 
So like i said, i really need to cement in my head the "right" thinking before (if
anything) happens.  Even canceling the plans, as its some one i always make time for is another "fuck you"

Just keep thinking "I don't have ALL the facts.. maybe I don't need to do anything".




RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 12:15:15 PM)

Thanks all - after a nap - i feel well more tired.  But i dont think i have to worry about the friend.  Cos i think i did something abit like LaTigress did.  Except with out even saying "no"  i think i just totally pissed them off in a completely non wrong way.  Smacking them all at the same time.  With the truth even.  LOL 

yeah i think imma do nothing.  i think the situation is handled, everyone involved knows how i feel and you all have pretty much said i am not wrong for feeling this way.  So its okay.. and other then lose the anger and work on forgiveness, for the "now" i'm straight.  There is no reason the girl should come here and i dont have to let her into my life.  And the friend... just whatever.  i think i have effectively created "space" making it a problem not in MY life anymore.

yeah.......... commerical break over.. back to the show. = )

mucho gracias



RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 12:19:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Just keep thinking "I don't have ALL the facts.. maybe I don't need to do anything".



That would be a lie as i do have all the facts.  i have her side, his side, and being able to add things up. Sometimes the truth isnt very hard to see, what can be hard is how one deals with the truth



LotusSong -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 1:07:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

So when you forgive some one - you are not "mad" at them anymore, yet you dont allow them in your life as politetly as you can? 

Generally for me, forgiveness is accepting actions that made ammends and sorta like outwardly appearing that it never exsisted yet not forgetting. 

Is what you are saying the appropriate way?  i've never actually forgiven anyone and booted them out. 

how do you get over the anger?  Is it as simple as not allowing it?  Do i just refuse to let it bother me? 



I just become neutral about the person.  I don't wish them ill or well.  They no longer exist to me.  
 
The more you dwell on them.. the more they control you.  In the great scope of things.. is it really worth it.
 
YOU are the one not sleeping.. they are fine.  I know it's difficult to just withdraw from the situation but there is really no satisfactory act that person can do to make you feel better.  What done is done.  You are wiser now and for sure , it will not happen again.  (It will, but not with that same person.)
 
Any act of retaliation on your part, will make you look like the bad guy.  The high road isn't easier..but the air is better up there :)



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 1:09:13 PM)

I'm all for forgiveness Riot, but strictly against turning the other cheek when you've been done wrong by someone who's not recognized their wrong doing or apologized sincerely.
Tell your friend and your ex-friend to go to hell, or simply that you aren't able to help them at this time.    M



RiotGirl -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 3:01:50 PM)

yea  i agree with all. 

but right now i dont care anymore.  i just had something REALLY interesting happen.  And i'm quite sure what fucking happened. My guinea pig has been sick.. took him to a vet.. been making his food soup and feeding him right and well i thought he was getting better.

but i just took him out of his cage to feed him while i do school work.  And like i put some food in his mouth and he just fucking died.  Like in 2 seconds.  I had no fucking warning.  God and instead of like letting him die while being hugged or petted or SOME like happy "place" he died while having food put in his mouth.  That sorta like sucks.  And i hadnt like taken him out all day to check on him and thats kind of shitty.  Its almost like he waited all day just to see me so he could die, which i guess is better then dying by his self.  But instead of hug and kiss his little head and rub his ears and whisper what an awesome little guy he is, i walk around holding him and then put him down to shove food in his mouth.

and i tried to do cpr but i totally sucked at it.  i didnt want to blow a lung and i didnt want to break a rib cage.  It was really very startling.  One minute alive and the next minute i'm trying to figure out what to do to bring him back to life.  And its been like 20 minutes now so i dont really think there is much i can do.  Cept stare at him and pet him and wonder how long i can continue refusing to say goodbye. 

So with my friends - fuck them.  They can just fuck off for what i care right now.  

you know some one told me its a full moon and you know its been a very fucked up weekend. 





WhipTheHip -> RE: Its in the Past.... (10/6/2006 3:12:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68
I'm Italian.  I could hold a grudge for years...and I have.  This is a hard thing for me also.  If you find a way to let go then let me know.


If you were the person who hurt you, you would want forgiveness.  Treat others how you want to be treated.  If you expect others to forgive you, you need to be able to forgive others.



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