Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Having to "play vanilla" in certain situations


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Having to "play vanilla" in certain situations Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Having to "play vanilla" in certain situations - 10/6/2006 9:27:07 AM   
charismagirrl


Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		Hi all!

There is a thread on another forum that i read/post on and rather than coming off as if i'm picking on someone (when i wouldn't be) i thought that i'd post and get opinions here. It just makes me curious.


The question is about having to "pretend" that you're vanilla in a vanilla situation and how it makes you feel.

my point of view is this,

When i'm out in a vanilla situation with my Daddy i don't just tell everyone there that we are M/s. Personally, i feel it's none of their concern. Although most people we interact with (family included) know about our relationship, it isnt our place to shove it down their throats. They may take note that i cater to him more than the average girl may or that i defer to him etc.but, there is no need for me to sit at his feet (unless i can do it subtley) or whatever. Sometimes certain things just aren't appropriate for every occasion.(kind of like bringing easter eggs to Thanksgiving dinner) Does this mean that we're supposed to just not have meetings with business associates or family if we can't be totally out and demonstratve? Of course not.

Would i love it if everyone we came across was suddenly open and understanding and comfy cozy with us being overtly M/s? Sure i would. Does it effect my relationship tht i can't be overly open about it? No. Do i feel like i'm hiding a part of me? Not really. i was a dancer for a long time before my Daddy made me stop. Everyone i know knew about it but i didn't feel the great need to strut around at family gatherings in a g string and  platform stilettos. i feel that it's a similar thing.

The relationship that i have with my Daddy doesn't stop just because we may appear vanilla, it's deep in my heart, mind and soul. It's in the way we interact with eachother. It's in the fact that i know that i am pleasing him and making him proud at whatever function we go to. i don't stop being a slave just because i'm not telling everyone in the room that i am one.

So for those of you who live your life as a sub/slave or a D/M do you have an issue having to "play vanilla" when you go places?

Do you feel that you are having to hide yourself  unjustly or in a way that causes you distress emotionally or mentally?

How do you handle having to hide it if you do?



< Message edited by charismagirrl -- 10/6/2006 9:29:10 AM >

_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 9:34:43 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: charismagirrl
So for those of you who live your life as a sub/slave or a D/M do you have an issue having to "play vanilla" when you go places?

Do you feel that you are having to hide yourself  unjustly or in a way that causes you distress emotionally or mentally?

How do you handle having to hide it if you do?
Honestly the only time this is an issue for me is at work.  I'm not out at work, I try and keep work and personal life extremely separated and thusly can have a difficult time when others are discussing their vacation plans or wedding plans and ask me politely about my own life.  I've learned to deal with it and find a balance that I can live with, but it's still a pain.

Otherwise, there's no real hiding.  Since who I am isn't about what I do or what I wear or what I say, I'm just me.  My family knows I'm poly and that I'm into "other things" but since those things never come up in family conversation it's nothing to worry about.

Do I wish I could say "Master and I" as casually as other people say "My husband and I"?  Yes, absolutely.  And for me, unless I'm in a professional work situation, I'll say "Master and I" and not worry about it. 

But everyone has to find a balance that works for them.  For me being a slave or poly isn't about wearing a collar- it's simply my personal relationships.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to charismagirrl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 9:40:08 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I believe I know the thread of which you speak.

I probably have a different situation than a lot of people here.  I like the way I live, but it's probably not for everyone.

I don't have mundane distractions that many people have.  I don't have family, no vanilla acquaintences outside my workplace, my neighbors have no idea who I am.

I go to work in a vanilla workplace, but I am afforded time when I can take it, to visit here, for example.  I pay bills.  I go to stores from time to time.  That is about the extent of my vanilla existence.

The way that I live at home, I cannot turn around without being reminded of my particular interests.

I would say I live in my own brand of 'world-o-kink' about 70-75% of my time.

I 'pass' in a vanilla world, as most of us, but I'm always ready to go back to my environment.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to charismagirrl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 9:56:43 AM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		I'm not out to my family. It's not their business nor would they understand it if they knew. Even if everyone knew, I still wouldn't shove it in their faces. To a degree, I'm more private with that part of me and let it out at events and play parties and around lifestyle friends. I don't "play" vanilla, I simply adjust my behavior to fit the situation more or less.

In a D/s or M/s dynamic, the dynamic is always there in my opinion even when it's not outwardly shown such as when out shopping and doing other things in day to day life.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 9:59:22 AM   
MasterC46910


Posts: 108
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline 		I keep my family and most my friends out of my private life.   I am not out to any of my family or most of my friends.  While all my family and most friends do know I live a different and have unusual views about life.  They don't ask and I don't tell.  Any relationship I have would have to be with someone that can show a vanilla face to others and be discreet about our private life.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 10:16:51 AM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I'm a private person. I don't see it as hiding. When I was married, if we were at some friends house sometimes he would slide off the couch and sit between my legs and rest his back against the couch. From there to resting his head on his arm on my knees. It just looks to others like he's shifting into different, comfortable positions. No biggy. Any time someone would question his actions, he'd just say, whatever keeps her happy is definately keeping me happy. Other things he would say were, 'if you like to fight in your relationship, fine, but I enjoy being happy in mine and keeping her happy works for me."
I don't go asking my friends if they only have missionary sex or do they enjoy like to play with their mens nipples, I don't offer any information on the same lines about my relationship. When we would have company, he'd say, I'm getting up for a soda, would anyone like anything while I'm up. It doesn't appear that he's doing anything other than being a person with a good heart and manners. Which of course he did have.

~Big

(in reply to charismagirrl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 10:19:01 AM   
BlueHnS


Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		I  make alot of offhanded comments. I do censor when anyones unmentionables are around. Outside of that I figure you're an adult and if you dont want to know don't ask me or worse earhustle then be offended by my private conversation!

< Message edited by BlueHnS -- 10/6/2006 10:20:41 AM >

_____________________________

Questions are dangerous, for they have answers. ~ Kushiel's Dart
I think I'm going to get off. ~ The Poet

(in reply to MasterC46910)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 10:19:25 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Here is the deal, I behave in the way he has set up cues for me to behave. He has a strong sense of vanillas not being involved in our dynamic. I knew this before I agreed to be in a dynamic with him. When I am in his presense alone I do not behave that much differently than when we are in public. We are not highly ritualized people though. If he told me to do something in public, I would, but I know it is not going to be anything that would be unseemingly because his own sense of hard limits he has on himself

I call him Daddy in front of anyone and everyone excluding his work associates. I do not feel a bit weird about not calling him pet names in front of his coworkers... I do not curse in most situations unconsciously, but I do curse when it isn't inappropriate. I see it almost like that.

I think it may be harder for people that rarely interact with the outside world (IE stay at home slave that is not allowed out much)... but if you have to interact with vanillas all the time it is much easier to interact most likely?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to charismagirrl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 10:19:01 PM   
lilsky


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/7/2004
Status: offline 		Hmmm, i have this theory which applies to every aspect of my life nilla or BDSM. i am who i am, if you don't like it, i'm not forcing you to be around me. That being said i don't hide any aspect of my life. However nor do i feel the nessesity to flaunt any aspect of my life either. I have quite a few friends that know where my interests are and although they know minimally my family even understands that i'm a sub. Some i will discuss it with in length, others have found out aren't comfy and i don't force the topic apon them.
About the only difference that i make between what i do in private and what i do in front of others when with my partner is that i try not to say "Sir" so often, but even that is a minimal change and slips out a LOT. Thing is, i Sir and Ma'am just about everybody that isn't related to me or in a very close circle of friends, so for somebody to hear me calling somebody Sir isn't really something to even think about. i also don't view very much of my behavior to be blatently displaying my status with my partner, probably because i'm just naturally submissive in my personality so it's not really that notable in my case.

Edited because i read that through and realized i probably skiped something pretty important...
Every intereaction i have with others no mater their orientation i try to have positively. i show others the respect that i wish to be treated with and by showing that respect it also means that i will not intentionally make them uncomfortanble. Because of that yes there are some people i would never tell about the lifestyle, just as there are others i wouldn't talk to about my dog getting the runs, or how my boss is a jerk, or well 50 billion other things. In all, i guess that's just to say that it's not because it is the lifestyle, it's just a matter of differing comfort levels that each individual has and that i try to be sensative to out of respect for the individual.

< Message edited by lilsky -- 10/6/2006 10:27:22 PM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/6/2006 10:32:41 PM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		We dress appropriately for different situations, we speak formally or casually as required, and I regard this as a similar point.  When I'm with friends who know, I'm very open.  When I'm with workmates, family or other acquaintances I don't choose to discuss that part of my life.  If I know that telling people would distress or confuse them, I don't force it - what's the point in hurting people?

There's plenty of things I don't feel the need to share with everyone, not only this.  I don't want to know other people's little intimacies, why should I assume they want to know mine?

(in reply to lilsky)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 5:10:05 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Am fortunate in living in the South that when i call someone Sir, it just sounds like a Southern thing. Otherwise am very circumspect at work and with my family of my generation or the preceeding one (siblings, parent) but not so circumspect with my unmentionable (who are now in their 20's) as they know "some" about what i'm into.

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 6:59:19 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Most of us are so careful to cover up, and so good at it - kinda makes you wonder what other people are hiding, huh?

As I said above, I don't really want to know any details, but I wonder how many masks I face each day.  How real is the 'real' world around us?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 8:04:09 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		It's interesting to me that anyone would feel the need to play or pretend. I have never been one for in your face displays of public affection.
There is a certain type of couple, I think we have all seen them (think Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob) that just feel they need to put their lust for each other in everyone else's face. They can argue all they want but it appears to me that they are so insecure in their relationship they are just trying too hard to prove something.

Don't get me wrong, I am an affectionate person. However there is a difference in how that is expressed and therefor viewed by others. I could be walking down the street with 3 different people (my adult daughter, a good friend, a lover) and in my way expressing affection for them. There would be very little difference in any of the three that would give away who is who unless someone was very observant and caught the eye contact between two lovers. That would be the only difference.

I know some people will argue it from the angle of either feeling shame or another popular one, "I am just being myself and if you don't like it screw you, it's your problem not mine" ........to that I will reply "Oh grow up!" To me it's more about manners and consideration for others. Plus, what is between myself and a lover is treasured and special, not for public consumption.

I am sure that there are many people that do not agree with me and thats fine. I can laugh and shake my head at them when I see them on the street and they can get all huffy at my reaction. I find it entertaining and part of my joy of people watching. Kinda like the short chubby bald guy I saw walking down the street in pink tights and tutu.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to charismagirrl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 8:28:27 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Kinda like the short chubby bald guy I saw walking down the street in pink tights and tutu.



That was YOU????  I THOUGHT I recognized you from somewhere!!

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 12:50:04 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I don't give it a single thought. I relate to my father in a certain way , to my Mum in another, my sister and sprogs in another.  I have one way of relating to my Master and it's AS my Master. There's nothing unacceptable about it....it's pleasant,very polite, nice and respectful.....just as it is in private.

There are *things* that we wouldn't do or say in company just as there were *things* that my husband and I wouldn't have. There are *things* that the sprogs and I say and do at home that we don't when we're out but the way we actually relate to each other is the same in and out of company.

There's nothing about him having authority over me that doesn't sit well in any situation.

agirl


(in reply to charismagirrl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 1:40:21 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		I was vanilla before I was part of BDSM.

I don't "play" at any of it.

It's all just a part of who I am.

Throughout your/our lives...honestly, just how often do those around us have a complete and full understanding of us?  Or vice versa?

Not often. We show what we want/choose to show.  Every single day of our lives. It's just how humans are these days.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/7/2006 7:10:14 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting, im just 'sanitising' our home, for a house sitter to come stay for 3 weeks. Toys, litereature etc have been put in the boot of the car. As my house sitter is vanilla.

We have tried to enter the scene in this new city, just wanting to be able to socialise as 'ourselves' and not hide wiitwd. That is a treat for us. But not a essential.. In our D/s there are 2 of us, we dont need either the approval or dissapproval so we tend to be private.

Also, we have children, and your parents 'sex life' is rather sickening to kids at the best of times, throw some b/D/s/m into that, and mine would be really horrified. So even in the home, when the kids are around, they just see a mutually loving and respectful relationship. We hide what we do, and save the noisy play for when they are out

littleone

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Having to "play vanilla" in certain situa... - 10/8/2006 4:31:23 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
There is a certain type of couple, I think we have all seen them (think Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob) that just feel they need to put their lust for each other in everyone else's face. They can argue all they want but it appears to me that they are so insecure in their relationship they are just trying too hard to prove something.


Guess you were right about that. Brad Pitt and all.

Yeah, for me, I have to be careful not to divulge things because of my career that has so many facets. ANYTHING NEGATIVE could be used to affect my career. One coworker has heard a few conversations I've had, but he is pretty clueless about everything in general, so I'm not worried. Heh.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 18
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Having to "play vanilla" in certain situations Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078