RE: What makes me a good sub?

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Tikkiee -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 8:57:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsylee oh man. you guys can be so harsh! i can really relate to and sympathise with lilmado. so she's insecure... aren't we all to some degree? sorry lilmado, im kinda adviced-out for now, but feel free to email me if ya wanna cry on my shoulder. ya big meanies! sometimes the cold hard truth is the only thing that makes a person think clearly. Insecurity is one thing, but total dependency on another for happiness indicates a much more serious problem.

Iskander -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 9:29:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tikkiee sometimes the cold hard truth is the only thing that makes a person think clearly. Insecurity is one thing, but total dependency on another for happiness indicates a much more serious problem. Who mentioned total dependency? She misses someone she has feelings for, if she'd said she'd ben in bed all week crying feeling lost, unable to eat or things.. then yes you'd be right... First loves of any kind can be pretty strong emotional, surely you remember?! Iskander...

lilmado -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 9:33:50 AM)
Yes. I guess a bit harsh advise do make me face the real problems and think about them crealy. So I appriciate every single comment ....both harsh ones and kind ones....guess the mix is important to make me fece the reality, while still keeping believe the possibility to be able to be a good sub regardless of his or another. Thank you for your comment.

Tikkiee -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 9:39:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iskander quote: ORIGINAL: Tikkiee sometimes the cold hard truth is the only thing that makes a person think clearly. Insecurity is one thing, but total dependency on another for happiness indicates a much more serious problem. Who mentioned total dependency? She misses someone she has feelings for, if she'd said she'd ben in bed all week crying feeling lost, unable to eat or things.. then yes you'd be right... First loves of any kind can be pretty strong emotional, surely you remember?! Iskander... Actually Iskander, no, I don't remember. My first love was with a man who understood the fragility of my emotions and went out of his way to nourish and not harm them. The one I am with now, understands the same thing. That emotions can be fragile and should be nourished, not ignored in such a way as to cause pain. quote: Yes. I guess a bit harsh advise do make me face the real problems and think about them crealy. So I appriciate every single comment ....both harsh ones and kind ones....guess the mix is important to make me fece the reality, while still keeping believe the possibility to be able to be a good sub regardless of his or another. Thank you for your comment I was not trying to belittle what you are experincing right now. I understand, more than you realize what you are going through right at this time, and I can sympathesize with the agony. I can not however, agree with the tone that is in your words...they sound too much like this man is trying to break you.

lilmado -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 9:43:23 AM)
Guess you remember the same kind of feeling you had before[:)] Knowing everyone have had this feeling, or this trouble of strong feelng without knowing things much, makes me believe that I can grow from here...thank you.

lilmado -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 10:04:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tikkiee I was not trying to belittle what you are experincing right now. I understand, more than you realize what you are going through right at this time, and I can sympathesize with the agony. I can not however, agree with the tone that is in your words...they sound too much like this man is trying to break you. Having seen your pf and known you have the same role, I never thought you belittled what I'm going through. Honestly, I just wanted to thank you for your comment.... Sorry, because of my poor english, I don't really understand what you meant at the last part, but I wish he could break me and my fear or weakness...so that I can stay with my first love kinda thing.

Tikkiee -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 10:08:48 AM)
quote: Sorry, because of my poor english, I don't really understand what you meant at the last part, but I wish he could break me and my fear or weakness...so that I can stay with my first love kinda thing. YOur english is fine [:)] I should have elaborated more. By breaking, I mean...emotionally and mentally to the point of actual HARM being done. A good Dominant or Master will build up your self-esteem and respect for yourself, not try to lower it. From what you wrote here, it just seemed to me as if he was trying to lower yours; ie break you . Not everyone who uses the word 'break' does so in the same way. I use it to refer to emotional, physical, and mental HARM or injury. edited to add: His idea to withold contact from you, while you are in such a fragile state, is what seems like harm to me. I would think that he would want to encourage your emotions, not cause them to run rampant and out of control.

Iskander -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/8/2006 8:02:22 PM)
Ahhh I see your point now Tikkiee.. Well said... Iskander

MadRabbit -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 7:44:51 PM)
I agree with Tikkiee. All my mentors in the community have taught me the same thing with female submissives. To DISCOURAGE and help them to discipline themselves from emotional attachment in the beginnings of a relationship or in play, especially with inexperienced players. BDSM is intense stuff and even one scene can bring out very powerful emotions in the bottom/sub and they often expect the Dom to be able to return those emotions when the Dom often cant. This Dom is actually ENCOURAGING emotional attachment after only knowing this very inexperienced girl for only a few months by showing her "how much she needs him". This is very unhealthy behavior and I beleive this man should be avoided. I dont see a weak person in you lilmado. I just see a person experiencing very powerful stuff for the first time and is being led astray by a bad Dom, a Dom who should be teaching you not to get attached, that you dont need him so early in a relationship, doesnt attempt to break you and lower your self esteem, and helping you to understand all these new fealings and issues. That is the responsibility of a Dom, to protect, guide, cherish, and teach. And this man, at least from the limited information I see, is not doing any of that

Owned1 -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 8:25:07 PM)
First off I want to say, this is about control not mental pain and torture. Any relationship should not cause you this amount of stress and concern. It sounds to me this is not an in person relationship. Not everyone is suited for long distance relationships, they are more difficult than you can ever think. When starting out in a Power Exchange relationship there needs to be time to learn what is expected of you, to learn what you can do to please the Dom, just to name a couple of things. Not every submissive is suited for every Dominant. I would suggest if this is causing you such an amount of pain and discomfort (not the good kind) this is not the relationship for you. Only you can know if this is what you are looking for. However emotional warfare is not BDSM, withdrawing from the relationship is not BDSM, of course this is my opinion. All the best and do what is in your heart Owned

ownedgirlie -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 8:38:36 PM)
lilmado, About 2 1/2 years ago, I could have written your same words. The difference in my relationship is that he continually told me I was not pleasing enough to him, and he did not know if he wanted to keep me, so I would have to go days at a time not being allowed to see him or contact him while he thought about it. I wasn't even allowed to email during that time. It was torment. And it was cruel. I was a weak person when I met him, and what happened with him, made me crumble. I believe those who are speaking harshly do not know what it is like to be pushed down so low while thinking it is normal. It was the kindness of others that helped me to realize how unhealthy and abusive that man was to me. Those who told me how weak I was, just made me feel like I must deserve to be treated so badly. Through the kindness of friends and strangers, I realized what I was going through was BAD for me, and I was able to leave. In the hands of the right Master, I learned to become strong, wise, and confident. My days with that former dominant seem like a lifetime ago, because I am not the same person anymore. What you wrote about reminds me of those former days and of how horrible I felt all the time. No one, weak or strong, deserves to be abused. I so rarely tell people they need to get out of a relationship. But if you are feeling bad more than good, if you are feeling scared more than happy, if you feel worse about yourself and not better, then I would have to say this is not a good relationship for you to be in, and you should remove yourself from it. Best of luck to you.

Tikkiee -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 8:51:01 PM)
Beautifully said Owned [:)]

jdtallfem -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 9:18:00 PM)
Exactly. Any time your self esteem is suffering that greatly it isn't fun anymore, it's abuse and you should get out of the relationship.

lilmado -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 11:18:28 PM)
Thank you all for leaving me a comment, OK...I don't know how I can explain things in English...ahaha Don't even know if I am really understand what you meant above. Yes, I guess he encoraged my emortional things, and succesfully or not I've gotten so emortionally involved (anyway, I guess I am too easily emortionally involved though)..but now I feel he is not paying enough attention to my feeling out of control...My feeling is probably too much like "falling for my master", which I probably should not have yet?..but cannot help, ...and I guess that was not his intention...so I think he is trying not to mention it. I just need to be mentally taken care a bit more...As long as I'm getting it, I am so fine with anything..... It's like ...waiting my owner comming home all day, but when he comes back, he goes strainght to bed when just his pat for a minute can make me feel that it's worth waiting him all day. And because he goes straight goes to bed...he doesn't notice I am really getting mentally sick... I thought he knew what I need...so that he talked to me...

dombill32 -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 11:31:42 PM)
lilmado, reading your profile and then reading your original post is like reading things written by two different people. If you found the man that you decribe that you want in your profile I dont think you would be feeling and experiencing what you are now. Experienced or not, you are being being taken advantage of. Your intent is good and his is not.

pyrobabe -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/9/2006 11:44:42 PM)
I think your just way to new and that he was taking advantage of you being that new. Though I can't say for sure since I don't know the circumstances well enough... but I would take the advice of the people above and leave him. He's definately has you trained to the point where you are dependant upon him what training is suppose to do... or tell him you want a "break" from this until you to sit down and talk about how you feel. My other thought was could he be punishing you? We also don't know his side of the story so no one here can say exactly what is happening. It sounds like he's just being a insert any nasty name you can think of here I think what makes a good sub is just the willingness to serve and make other people happy... if that is in your heart then nothing else matters. That is how I feel anyway. He may not be the right dom for you. this is just my $0.02

lilmado -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/10/2006 5:54:04 AM)
Thank you for both of your comments >dombill32 About my pf.....I don't really know I sould have rewriten or stuck with old one...don't even know what I'm doing ...[:(] BTW, I like your pf...esp. the part your saying "she is amazing"[:)] She must be a really happy sub!! quote: ORIGINAL: pyrobabe We also don't know his side of the story so no one here can say exactly what is happening. It sounds like he's just being a insert any nasty name you can think of here No...he is not a bad dom at all...started to notice it's just the difference between what he can give and what I demand at least at this point. Probably I've been wondering two questions ....am I expecting (or have feelings) too much in a short period? meaning I shoud wait for a while or it's not gonna change? Also it comes from my fear of unknown....not knowing the deffirence between normal relationship and this relationship, I don't know how to act...I don't know if I am at least allowed to claim him what I demand ..... Here, I've been talking about pain I've been getting from the relationship, but...he is the only one who heal the pain and make me happy...so having a trouble...[:(]

dombill32 -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/10/2006 7:18:58 PM)
lilmado, thanks for the compliment, and she is a pretty special person. When you say you dont know what you are doing maybe you feel that way now, but I think that may not have been the case when you wrote that. Im not going to say you should or shouldnt leave him, thats up to you. I think you do need to at the very least take a step back and recenter yourself and think about what it is you really want without any outside influence that might pull you away from path you want to walk. Also I think you need to rethink what you said about him being the only one who can heal the pain you feel, you have a much better chance of being able to do that yourself.

deltadawn -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/10/2006 7:39:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilmado Hello all, I am still an inexperienced sub, having been with my very first dom for a couple of months. With him, I am happy to give up being a girl and become his pig, and I feel very happy to do anything to hear his saying "good pig" to me, so that I wish I could always do what he expect me to do. However, when I'm apart from him...meaning most of the time, I don't know what he expect for me to do. He usually limits my contact with him to make me realize how much I need him and only talks to me on a planned date, allowing me to send him only one email or text everyday. Last time I talked with him was more than a week ago, and I was supposed to talk with him yesterday, but he didn't talked to me. I know it was on purpose (it's not just an accident), but don't know why.....I'd missed him so much while not being able to talk with him, so I'd kept sent a long , maybe too much emotional email everyday. Although it was only one everyday as he told, now I feel like it might have been too much...? or Knowing how much I'm suffering from not being able to talk with him, he's just enjoying it...? And I don't know whether I should just shut up until he tells me to speak or I should keep telling him that emotional "i miss you and need you" kinda message until he tells me to shut up.....? I feel like I am mentally too weak to be a good sub, hell worried about every single tiny thing......are there any suggestions...? lilmado, I have not read all the posts here and apologize if I am repeating something already said. It is hard when first becoming involved in a D/s relationship to understand what is good for us and what is bad for us. If you are feeling weak and insecure it is very possible (if not a definate) that you are in the wrong relationship. A good relationship will not have you feeling bad about yourself, it will lift you up and make you feel good. Please remember you are on the internet, things that may seem great are really not great at all. So you are just beginning, and yes you have an emotional tie to this 'DOM' but if it feels wrong, guess what? It is wrong. Think clearly and do what you know to be right. dawn

deltadawn -> RE: What makes me a good sub? (10/10/2006 7:42:21 PM)
Forgot something. lol This line is a real red flag as far as I am concerned. and I was supposed to talk with him yesterday, but he didn't talked to me. I know it was on purpose (it's not just an accident), but don't know why.... If he said he would talk to you and did not he is not an honest man anyway. Do you really want to start a relationship with a dishonest man? dawn

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